Category: To You

Dear N,

Do you remember the time we went to see the Bodice Rippers and the Extra Action Marching Band in Oakland? The pounding beats and sexy dancers fueled our desire for each other. We danced until our feet were numb. Sweaty from our gyrations, we could barely keep our hands off each other on the drive home. I recall attacking each other as soon as we walked in the door, kissing and groping each other and pulling clothes off as we stumbled to the bedroom. You sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me close to help me take off my corset. Our skin slipped against each other as I climbed on top of you.

You had a unique smell that I could never quite figure out. You may or may not be aware of this, but the sense of smell is more closely related to memory than any other sense. Due to the fact that the olfactory bulb runs from your nose to the base of your brain and has direct connections to your amygdala and hippocampus (areas responsible for processing emotion and memory), neuroscientists have suggested that this close physical connection between the regions of the brain linked to memory, emotion, and our sense of smell may explain why our brain learns to associate smells with certain emotional memories.

Environmentalist that you were, I knew you didn’t shower every day, but you did on the days you saw me. I could tell because your long hair and Gandalf-like beard were always damp when you got here. You had an earthy smell. Maybe it was the soap you used or the detergent you used for your clothes. It wasn’t body odor or dirty. It wasn’t off-putting in the least. Or offensive. It was just …you. I loved how my sheets smelled like you for days. I’d hold the pillow close to me, and it felt like you were still next to me. A slender, lithe sleeping cat who would roll over to spoon me.

Your long arms reached over to the nightstand and took a condom out of the drawer. With your arms above your head, you skillfully took it out of the packaging. You reached down to roll it onto your cock and pulled me down on top of it -all in one smooth move.

Our bodies moved as one. I could still hear the pulsing music from just hours before thumping in my head as I rode your beautiful cock. A wave of orgasm coursed through my body. You shuddered in response. I loved how your whole body would twitch after coming. It was like you were offering every last drop to me. Finally able to catch our breath, we opened the window to let in the cool air as we snuggled close and fell asleep. A perfect ending to a perfect evening.

A year later, it was not so perfect. You had come over to say that your primary partner was asking you to close up your relationship and that you would no longer be able to see me. We talked for an hour. I cried. You hugged me as you left, and you blew me a bittersweet kiss as you walked out the door.

I walked over to the couch where you had been sitting and picked up the pillow you’d been leaning on. I buried my face in the pillow, hoping to breathe in your familiar scent one last time. But…nothing. I smelled nothing. It just smelled like…a pillow.

It feels crazy to say it, but I believe it was my body helping me move on. She would not allow me to clutch this pillow to me as a reminder of you and soak my despair into the fabric. You had moved on in every way…And so would I.

J

If we meet again on this dismal planet
I would have to walk past you
Without a mere hello.
Your presence would make this hurt come alive.
It would be volcanic ash smoldering,
Sizable burns on fresh wounds,
A questionable eruption of thousands of once dead butterflies coming alive.
Spring would awaken, stomachs would somersault by the first lock of pensive eyes.
I could never stay in the room more than fifteen minutes again with you
Or I’d be stuck forever, paralyzed by this moment In time.
I have wasted years on a love gone cold.
I cannot waste a second more.
Not this time.

I always forgot how to spell home during
The times we spoke and you laughed at the
Simple pronunciation that I could never pin
Down correctly.
It was as if I was saying it while gargling salt water.
The taste of it never felt right
And my mouth was filled with an ocean I could
Never swallow whole.
I never liked the way you teased.
It felt like poetry but the kind that misfires.
I kept insisting I was the intended target
And you kept cackling
Stating I never knew how to even spell home
Let alone feel it.
Years later, I think you were right.
Hostage in my own bed, the light dwindling from
The night sky.
I know I was always expressing it to the wrong person.
And yet tomorrow when the next person comes,
I still hope.

Words.

Oh I got em. And I’m good with them too, or at least I’d like to think so. But those same words seem to so quickly turn into excuses or false promises. My intentions are good, but my words betray me.

Nope, just kidding, my words, in and of themselves, are innocent. I betray my words and myself with my actions. Maybe it’s not even betrayal, maybe it’s sabotage. Maybe a bit of both. It’s like a well-thought plan. I have one, but what is that worth without the commitment to its execution? By any and all means.

In the end, I believe actions are more meaningful than words, and results are more meaningful than actions. So, I know it doesn’t matter how many words I put together, or how eloquently, if they ultimately ring hollow. That’s not what I want to be – a man whose statements and beliefs and acts are separate entities. That’s what’s called a hypocrite. They should all be in alignment, and I know I’m not nearly there.

You are, of course, right, about pretty much everything. You always have been. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, lolz, but there’s a bit of a maturity gap between us. I could talk about the crushing despair I felt inside every time you asked the same question: “where are you living now?” The truth is, I never knew I could be so selfish. But those are just more words, and how crushing was that despair really if my behavior barely changed at all??

There are so many more words I could give you, like an unending filibuster of my love. But they would just be what this entire letter is: just words devoid of any meaning beyond attached actions and resultant outcomes.

You deserve better than that. And while I wish I could offer you more than stupid words at the moment, I can’t. I am trying. I really am. To put that aforementioned plan into motion. The actions are starting to match the words, getting there at least. But, at this point I know you need results. And if they come, hopefully soon for my own sake, you’ll know. In the meantime, I’m inclined to stay in my dark place and just focus, but I can adjust that position.

Short of results, I feel like I’m just wasting your time. The picture in your head, it deserves to be real. That is the most truly honest set of words I can give you right now.

Well, not quite. I think about you often, every day. And it always makes me happy :). I love you.

It’s been many months since you left , I considered sending you a card and gift for your birthday tomorrow , I won’t though you left for reason and I know you don’t want me in your life so I’ll stay away , Happy Birthday Linda 💋💋💋 Enjoy your day I sincerely hope you don’t feel as bad as I did on my birthday , I cried a lot today I missed you . I know you don’t understand me but someday you might , it’s not right the way your family treat people it’s not right that your mother shows a picture of a crying 3 year old and says Linda’s never happy laughing we both now why the little girl was crying , This night last year I was planning our little trip away I know you didn’t enjoy it or appreciate it but it was my best effort I spent a lot of time planning our few days . Happy Birthday my love . Goodbye 💋💋💋

Happy Birthday !!!! I got you a card and wrote it and gave a gift to the Ukrainians on your behalf as I wasn’t going to give it to you , they seemed to like it , Last year I blew up all your balloons and got your cake and took you on our little sight seeing trip and cooked your your Birthday dinner we got three days out of it 😂😂😂and it wasn’t good enough , hopefully this year what your getting is good enough take care . I love you goodbye , I’m sorry for everything .

Hey again , it’s the end of the day , end of your birthday day thank god , I haven’t seen or heard from you in months , I miss you I really do but that’s life , I bought you a present and card today and had cake with my workmates in your go out they didn’t know it was your birthday but we had cake , I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday with me last year I done my best to make it nice for you , but I’m sorry I don’t know how much I could have don’t differently but still I’m sorry , at least this year your with your family that’s where you’ve always wanted to be I know that that’s why I sent you home and no anywhere else , I’m sorry that your family and I don’t get on but I tried my best at all times to keep away from them and that worked for three years I don’t understand there need to put other people down and mock them and all the things that they do or to be honest all the things you and your family do , anyway thankfully your home with them and I’m alone the way ye all wanted it and yes I’m heartbroken every day I keep busy and hope for better times , I was seriously upset yesterday morning I cried very very hard today not at all so far I thought I would be awfully upset today thankfully not yet . I know you hate me and wish me all the worst maybe someday you will understand my feelings and that’s it’s not nice to be treated badly by your partner to be made feel bad about being yourself I know I’m not brilliant or fabulous but I never claimed to be I’m a ordinary man , you know any person in this world would condemn your family’s behavior full stop it’s not normal to have a big laugh at everybody and everything everyone else does and for them to be so brilliant but it’s them who laugh at you and say nasty things about you , I know I’ve lost nothing but i still hurt but I feel you have lost the only person every to stand by that little girl in the picture the one your mother laughs at and says you were never happy ……….. I wonder why that little girl wasn’t happy !!!!!!!! Your family are animals and your “ parents” truly belong in jail for many many years hopefully you will see this at some stage in your life and you won’t feel as alone as I feel , you never had my back I always had yours ,

Take care and Happy Birthday

I feel this for me is the absolute end I wanted to get over this birthday of yours I managed my birthday and Christmas and new year alone now for me I feel I’m strong again

Enjoy your life , Goodbye

V,

Wow, I guess that’s it. Was it really that easy to cut me off? One mistake? To make matters worse, it took me a full 2 weeks to realize. I guess I was so busy making you a cd I was gonna give you today to realize you don’t want any part of me in your life. I’m such a fool.

Maybe I deserve it. I mean, there’s no way I was ever going to change your mind, so what’s the point of keeping me around where all I can do is cause damage. Of course, from my perspective, I felt like I had to try. But as usual, it seems like I just made up a lot of shit in my head that was never real.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. How does a person fall in love with someone convinced that the feeling is reciprocal when it’s not? Was there ever anything you felt for me? Maybe you just felt bad for me and wanted to be nice. It doesn’t matter now I guess.

I definitely did/do love you. It took me awhile to realize how special you are because I’m a stupid idiot. There’s not a thing I would change about you. I spent so much time fantasizing about having a life and family together with you when we never even went out once. In reality, I’m such a mess. I hate myself so much and I already hate myself even more now, not that that’s your problem. But that voice in my head, it’s been saying this whole time I was never close to deserving someone as amazing as you, and I guess it was right.

I’m gonna disappear for awhile now. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything drastic. It’s just like, when you lose a lot in life, each new loss compounds on the previous ones, like a snowball. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to recover from this, but probably a long time. The thing no one tells you about rock bottom is it’s not some finite point. There’s always more room for things to get worse. And if I don’t take some time to grieve, it definitely will. It probably will anyways, but here I am, the consummate loser, as optimistic as ever.

In that same vein, I’d like to think I’ll see you again some day. Maybe I’ll finally have my shit together and things will be different. But I’m probably just being delusional again that you would ever want that. Either way, I love you, and I miss you, and I sincerely hope the next chapter of your life will be as wonderful as you deserve.

Love,
E

John – I would like to thank you. Thank you for those couple months that we were together. Though it was a relatively short time you helped me learn so much. So much about myself, relationships, and just life in general. You showed me how I should be treated while in a relationship. That I should not be settling for what today’s culture believes a relationship is or should be. In today’s world gentlemen are hard to come by. So now, knowing that there are nice guys still in the world who want to treat a girl right is something so valuable for me to be mindful of. Though I was very upset at the breakup of us I can see and realize that God put you into my life to show me how my relationship with a guy should be in the future and that my ideas of an ideal relationship aren’t too out of this world. Also, thank you for making me realize I also needed to make a change in myself. I know you said you didn’t want to change people… but it’s in a good way I promise. I’ve now seen that I need to make a change in myself to better myself and become the person that I should be and think I deserve to be. By being more conscious about my decisions and beliefs and why I’m thinking the way that I do or why I’m doing something. Not just following with what everyone else thinks I should do or feel about a certain thing. But really focusing on the details and forming an opinion that is truly based on me. I’ve been going through important topics that are present today and becoming more informed on them. Seeing both sides to issues and deciding where I fall. I’ve also been able to look at my past decisions and figure out why I thought or did something at that specific time. And while I may not still follow though with that today it’s made me the person that I am today and has helped shape me. Thanks to you I have been able to become a better version of myself. I’ve also started reading the Bible again as a way of connecting to back to religion and having it take larger importance in my life. It’s often been pushed to the side or further back which I hate to admit but is true. And I’ve also learned so much from those few readings that I have done so far. I’m nowhere perfect or where my ideal version of myself is right now. There’s a lot of improvements and work that still needs to be done. But I’m working towards being the best for myself. And who knows what that will look like exactly in the future months or years from now. Though we didn’t work out and that’s hard to think about, I think we were really good together for that time. And we needed to be together to each teach some kind a lesson to the other. I hope you’re also able to take things about me and that I showed you during the relationship and take it with you or learn from it. Hopefully it was as beneficial to you as it was to me. And I really do wish you the best in life and everything. I know your wishes and dreams and hope that you’re able to achieve all of those and more. But I also hope that you don’t focus on the future too much. That you be here in the present and be grateful for the here and now. Thinking about the future too much can make you feel a little lost sometimes. So thank you again for our time together. Whether that be going on all the dates or just simply watching a movie at your house. I enjoyed being with you and truly wish you the best in life.