Farewell

V,

Wow, I guess that’s it. Was it really that easy to cut me off? One mistake? To make matters worse, it took me a full 2 weeks to realize. I guess I was so busy making you a cd I was gonna give you today to realize you don’t want any part of me in your life. I’m such a fool.

Maybe I deserve it. I mean, there’s no way I was ever going to change your mind, so what’s the point of keeping me around where all I can do is cause damage. Of course, from my perspective, I felt like I had to try. But as usual, it seems like I just made up a lot of shit in my head that was never real.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. How does a person fall in love with someone convinced that the feeling is reciprocal when it’s not? Was there ever anything you felt for me? Maybe you just felt bad for me and wanted to be nice. It doesn’t matter now I guess.

I definitely did/do love you. It took me awhile to realize how special you are because I’m a stupid idiot. There’s not a thing I would change about you. I spent so much time fantasizing about having a life and family together with you when we never even went out once. In reality, I’m such a mess. I hate myself so much and I already hate myself even more now, not that that’s your problem. But that voice in my head, it’s been saying this whole time I was never close to deserving someone as amazing as you, and I guess it was right.

I’m gonna disappear for awhile now. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything drastic. It’s just like, when you lose a lot in life, each new loss compounds on the previous ones, like a snowball. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to recover from this, but probably a long time. The thing no one tells you about rock bottom is it’s not some finite point. There’s always more room for things to get worse. And if I don’t take some time to grieve, it definitely will. It probably will anyways, but here I am, the consummate loser, as optimistic as ever.

In that same vein, I’d like to think I’ll see you again some day. Maybe I’ll finally have my shit together and things will be different. But I’m probably just being delusional again that you would ever want that. Either way, I love you, and I miss you, and I sincerely hope the next chapter of your life will be as wonderful as you deserve.

Love,
E