Category: To You

Dear E,

I just wanted to share with you a thought dump that I had in my phone in 2020 a few months after we fought because I was provoked by your post. Looking back, it feels silly how much pain I was in that time but you know, I needed to feel it to be able to move past us:

“There are things that I can’t explain. All I know is that deep inside me, you’re still there. I find myself reminiscing all those moments we shared. Ask me if I remember it and I’d probably say yes. I remember when we cried and you said we deserved a chance. I remember how tight you held my hand while we crossed the road going to [removed to protect the privacy] then. I remember how much you cried when we fought. I remember how emotional it was during the last night we spent together. I don’t know why I threw all of that away and putting all the blame on you when I was one to blame too. You held me so tight that night and I remember telling myself that I was scared to lose you. We both know I lost you that night. Sometimes, I find myself wishing you were still in my life and nothing changed. If that happened, where would we be now? You know, it kind of sucks that you used to be my best friend whom I tell everything to. I know I took those moments for granted because I thought you’d always be there for me. I thought you would always be crazy for me but I was wrong. I forgot the very fact that we were not even supposed to be together. We were never supposed to fall in love but I did, hard. Now, no one knows that I still have that love for you somehow. Right now, I want to message you bad but we both don’t deserve that. I want to deny it but it’s obvious how much you love her and I used to be that girl. Sometimes, I wish I still was but I am not. I don’t want to ruin the peace that you have because I wouldn’t have wanted you to ruin mine. I miss you and it hurts to remember because I know you’re trying hard to bury them too.”

Well that’s that. Tbh, I envy you have your little family now.

– I

My artist girl Annette over in the Ukraine is back online and has been sharing the going ons in her country ranging from the Crimea Bridge destruction, missile maps of where they’ve been hit, and videos of them huddled in the Kiev subway as air raid sirens blare.

Today she shared a video clip from Russia. A group of people marching with a mascot cartoon missile chanting To Washington.
It made the hairs on my arms stand up, but I know that the group of people I’m looking at is much smaller than the groups that are fleeing the country to places like Finland and Kazakhstan to avoid the draft.

When I attempted to talk to my mom about it, she gets aggitated saying that it’s our fault because of the Nordic Pipeline and that she won’t talk politics with me.
I feel it’s unfair to lay the blame squarely on our shoulders , but anymore if I try to talk current events with mom she becomes fixed in this aggressive we’re going to war verbiage, which tends to have an argumentative lean towards anything I have to divulge on the situation to me doesn’t do well for actually hosting conversations, but I still think it’s important to see so I send her and a handful of friends the links anyway.

I have to forgive myself for the years I’ve wasted on you.
You can take me out of your rotation of women you cycle through.
I managed to stay out of that for 8 years, only to see you again and get sucked back into it.
What you is no better than a panhandler begging on a corner.
I really hope the career path I turned you on to works out and with a little luck, you’ll
either die as a hood ornament, road pizza, or you’ll just finally leave town.
All those sound good to me, so long as I can go back to my life without you.
5 months I dodged the bullet that was your texts, seeing you as I drove through town, your texts… 5 months, only to get stupid at month 6 because I was feeling low after another failed romance with someone totally not on my level (a bad idea from the start)… you hit me up as you do and because I was suddenly desperate for companionship closer to my own age, I texted back.
Correction, I texted back something other than Go F# yourself..I made a mistake, a few, dating someone 20 years younger and then agreeing to spend any time with you when I would have been better off just going to the bar and picking up a random guy, wouldve ended better than another round of F#kery with you. You waste of time. Go back to your air mattress on the floor, you live like a crackhead, you are such a bum. My bed is too comfortable without you in it.
I’m so ashamed of myself for ever letting u step foot in my place much less in my bed. I feel sick at the thought.

Remembering eyes slippery
As ice, heart feeling
Love generate, coil and
burst.
Others never saw
The way a heart frenzied
Of floods and thunderstrms
They never saw chaos
From lips
In silence, in grins, in centuries.
Winter felt so hot,
Love felt so near.
Eyes slip still
When snow falls
when fall leaves…
There is only familiar hums
Bouncing down the alley
That replenishes the heart
that mends fingers to touch
There is eyes
frozen to the
beauty of seas, mountains and trees.
The start of a rude awakening.

It’s been almost a week since I feel down the stairs as I was on my way to pick up my daughters sick time makeup work from her school.

It was the first time the air had been knocked out of me in years. Initially I knew that I had at least bruised my ribs on the right side, maybe fractured my foot, my knee was definitely protesting in pain too. Nothing that I felt was serious enough to warrant taking up a busy doctor’s time and did my best to walk it off.
Today I feel I may have underestimated my injuries and chest pain became an emergent fixture of my day. If I press down where I hit my side, I feel the pain radiate through my chest. A fractured rib maybe, the symptoms match. However even if I did take it to the hospital at this point in time, I read there’s not much the professions would be able to do to treat it, and honestly even with insurance I really don’t want to throw money down on an xray to be told there’s nothing we can do. So I’ll probably be whining about the pain for a minute, maybe see if some of those cbd gummies can help a lady out and carry on.

Dear E,

Do you remember the first night we really talked about us? I told you I was scared of falling in love with you, of risking it with you. You told me we deserved the chance, that we needed to take a leap of faith and if it does not work out, at least we tried. You know, I always feared that. Us not working out.

The first time I encountered an issue with your ex, I cried to my friend, J. You probably know who this was one is because he was the first friend of mine you met. I told him that the issue at hand was a non-negotiable for me. I wanted to walk away. I really did. But something told me to risk it for once. So I did.

Looking back, I knew I did not love you right away. I think what got me invested was that I was able to bring out a part of me that I never brought out with A. I tried harder for us. I loved the way I was in it with you. I fell in love. Then we started losing it. Somewhere along the way, we did. Maybe because we let her in too much. You did. You did not defend us. All you did was to tell me to stop dealing with her. I dealt with her because you won’t.

Do you know why I started pulling away in 2016? I saw you falling out of it. You became a little more tired asking me how I was. You started exerting less effort. You refused to listen. You were my best friend when we started and I lost you in 2016. I pulled away because I needed you the most then. I was going through the most difficult time of my life and all you could tell me was “Why do you always see the worst in me?”. I was tired. I was fighting hard for a relationship with you but you kept letting your lies, secrets and your ex ruin it.

It hurt when I realized that breaking it off out of good faith thinking I was the one cheating was stupid because I found out later on you cheated on me. Why? Why would you ever do that to me? I always hated people from that school and you promised me you would never do that. Why did you? Do you remember that you never even apologized for that? As if it was not enough to cheat on me once but there was a fuck buddy all along. Do you know how traumatized I was after that? I let go of myself in 2018. That’s how traumatized I was. I lost myself that year trying to prove to myself I can be happier than you are. You never properly owned up to what you did to me. It still haunts me to this day.

You know when we fought in 2020, that was bottled up feelings. I was asking myself how the guy who traumatized me can be happier than I was. How you can easily tell me to let it go when you never took accountability. You never had the right to tell me to just “move on” because it’s in the past. That’s not how trauma works.

At the end of it all, I gave myself the closure I needed. I tried to heal on my own and I must say, there’s no fully healing from that. I was traumatized forever. But still, all I wanted out of it was to have a mature conversation with you. None of the “let it go. Move on” but helping clarify where it went wrong so that maybe we can avoid that with our partners now. I really want to once and for all, close this chapter with you. I closed the book, to be quite honest. But some days, it just gets me. I want to find it in my heart to move past it with no bitterness.

Truth be told that despite all the bad things, I was thankful for you. You were my best friend, my rock. That’s why it hurt too much when you hurt me. I was so used to having you in my life. Having you support me then poof, you were gone. It was hard to recover. But I’m sure there was a reason that for some unfortunate circumstance, that had to happen. Maybe because I had to experience the ugliest side of love to better appreciate the best side of it.

Ayun. I’m hoping that before you take another step or milestone for your future, we could close this part. Just reach out to me because I will never have the guts to reach out to you.

From the end of days to the dawn of the time
I’ll always love you like you were mine,
My love for you, it knows no boundaries
My love burns hotter than a million foundries.
It erupts from my soul, I can’t explain it…
My love is fire and so it’s tainted,
My love is scarlet and never jaded,
The wild flame that never faded,
I’m sorry it’s the way I made it.
I strayed from my heart to keep yours cradled.

Love,
AK

Whenever it’s cold, I think to myself, it’s not as cold as my heart.
Whenever it hurts and I feel alone, I remember I’m in the dark.
I tried to make you see my light, but yours was much too clouded.
And once we get to hell I hope it won’t be very crowded.
See life is pain, life is darkness, one thing is for certain,
Life’s a puzzle, life’s a stage; let’s peek behind the curtain…
What is love? What is life? I can only wonder…
For I am death and I’ve awoken from my peaceful slumber…