Semper Fidelis

Dear E,

I just wanted to share with you a thought dump that I had in my phone in 2020 a few months after we fought because I was provoked by your post. Looking back, it feels silly how much pain I was in that time but you know, I needed to feel it to be able to move past us:

“There are things that I can’t explain. All I know is that deep inside me, you’re still there. I find myself reminiscing all those moments we shared. Ask me if I remember it and I’d probably say yes. I remember when we cried and you said we deserved a chance. I remember how tight you held my hand while we crossed the road going to [removed to protect the privacy] then. I remember how much you cried when we fought. I remember how emotional it was during the last night we spent together. I don’t know why I threw all of that away and putting all the blame on you when I was one to blame too. You held me so tight that night and I remember telling myself that I was scared to lose you. We both know I lost you that night. Sometimes, I find myself wishing you were still in my life and nothing changed. If that happened, where would we be now? You know, it kind of sucks that you used to be my best friend whom I tell everything to. I know I took those moments for granted because I thought you’d always be there for me. I thought you would always be crazy for me but I was wrong. I forgot the very fact that we were not even supposed to be together. We were never supposed to fall in love but I did, hard. Now, no one knows that I still have that love for you somehow. Right now, I want to message you bad but we both don’t deserve that. I want to deny it but it’s obvious how much you love her and I used to be that girl. Sometimes, I wish I still was but I am not. I don’t want to ruin the peace that you have because I wouldn’t have wanted you to ruin mine. I miss you and it hurts to remember because I know you’re trying hard to bury them too.”

Well that’s that. Tbh, I envy you have your little family now.

– I

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