Category: Thoughts

She calls me the other day to ask I’d I had spotted anything unusual up in my perch that might have led to her broken windshield, I think she suspects the other neighbor lady’s son and while I can’t completely discount the notion, as I’ve seen him bounce around on my car a time or too but I report on this occasion I saw nothing.

She then transitions over into asking if I knew about the previous owner committing suicide in her home. I flashback to a few weeks before when I awaken in the middle of the night to a coughing fit and the sound of singing bowls ringing through the walls at 3 am. I don’t mind the sound, I find it calming but I’m allergic to sage and wonder if it’s bleeding in through the ventilation somewhere. It probably doesn’t matter , I live in a place it lives in abundance anyway.
Fast forward to currently I admit to being very present that somber night and tell her I hope it doesn’t detract from her enjoyment of the space. She kind of laughs in response and says no. Going on to report strange happenings in her abode that she doesn’t feel are malevolent but are significant in proving to her there’s a spirit present. She tells me about a tea cup with yellow roses showing up in places that it shouldn’t and of flickering lights that she called an electrician out to investigate but found no issues with the wiring.
I admit we also have been experiencing the flickering lights despite changing the bulbs and then divulge what I did know of the person that lived there before her.

We end our conversation me vowing to contact the other previous owner about moving his armor work bench for his society of creative anachronism stuff out of the garage this week and planning a ladies night with the girls sometime soon. In thinking on it, I think Sean and April would hit it off splendidly. I suppose I’ll see for myself.

I have done nothing wrong. You’ve told me so. I know it in my heart. But the thing about trauma is it really doesn’t give a factual shit about who’s a good person trying their best. I keep trying to give you more than 50% because I thought I was such an open book but more and more I’m realizing that I never tell you the things I want to – that I’m hurting and I need you, that I had a fucking awful day and the only thing that helped was your voice.

The thing is, I don’t know how close is too close – not for you, but for me. I don’t know how much it’s ok to rely on another person before I’ve put myself in danger. And even though I know you’d never hurt me, I’m still in this place where being weak for a moment is so intolerable I get a little sick thinking about it. I want to share my real self with you, but I’m so scared there’s nothing worth sharing – that I’ll tell you I feel this stupid twisted sadness more often than not and it’ll be too much to take.

It’s so stupid because you’ve shared things with me no one else in the world knows, and you probably already know the places I go when my mind tries to drown me, but I still feel like I can’t talk to you about it. You of all people! If not you, the. WHO?

No one, I guess. This is not me blaming you at all – I blame me. I wish I could be brave enough to be my true self around you all the time, not just when I’m caught off guard. I just want the real me and the real you to have a life together and I feel like I’m the thing in the way. And how stupid is that? Things are going great! You probably don’t even think anything is the matter. I guess nothing *is*, not anything anyone can do anything about, anyway…

I just hope, one day, I can be brave enough to be as honest with you as you’ve been with me…and for you to not turn away because of it. I don’t know. It’s happened before. The first time I ever fell in love, in fact. I was “too fucking emo”. I’m an adult and I still haven’t gotten over how bad that stung and I’m so fucking angry about it because I want to have normal relationships and talk about it when I’m down, but I feel this stupid crippling shame about BEING DEPRESSED of all things.

Such a rant. What I’m saying is, I’m sorry I can’t be better for you. I’m saying it here because it sounds like an excuse to me, and I wholeheartedly believe you deserve better than that. I just want you to know that I’m trying. My God, I’m trying.

I gave a gift but asked for an evaluation in return.
He said they were looking a little flat, could benefit from more yellows and reds with a more readable light source for shadows, followed by a proper glazing added to my painting mixture and suggested youtubing some of the tutorial resources available. I know what he means , I just need to figure out how to execute them properly and probably keep an eye out for good deals on framing.

My mom felt the urge to have my brother at I join her for sunrise service out of town , my kid and husband would have joined too but she had the sneezes.
There are a handful of cars parked off a dirt road where people have gathered singing by a cross to watch the sun come up. I’m not too impressed by the sermon, something along the lines of if you are not dutiful in your attendance to the church you are viewed as dirty in need of cleaning like a dish in the sink. He actually uses an analogy of house servants who play while the house lord is away and then later akins suffering on the whole as something God plans for you to be closer to ‘him’, rather than the chaos that it really is, beyond the control of any one thing.
The food at the church was good though, I was suprised to see my old boss there and everyone was quite friendly and welcoming.

We later visit my brothers farm. He’s lived there for years but is now getting the paperwork done for purchasing it. I get him some of the fungis my husband and I enjoyed the day before, him and his partner then show me the path their likely to take on their walkabout, beyond the chickens and ducks, through the horse pasture and into a Grove of trees growing at a bizarre angle. The space nestles nicely in the shadow of the mess, and is about 20 feet away from river access. I think they have a beautiful time ahead of them.
We head back to my mom’s around 3 to rejoin my grandma and them for dinner. Mom made way too much, She was really eager to make the space welcoming for Zachs partner, and even invited fewer people this year to make sure he showed. They arrive with gifts of fresh duck eggs for us.

I planned a family game if bingo with mom, we normally werent the type to do games at family events but I thought the cornhole tournament at the family reunion was so cool and wanted to do something grandma would enjoy . I picked up a bunch of prizes before hand for the winners and when the game was a bigger hit than I expected, mom had some mystery wrapped gifts we were able to toss in.
I used to love playing bingo with grandma at the Elks. And I was really glad to see her have such a good time playing with our family, mom called numbers and everyone won at least once, except for grandma who was the grand Victor winning a whopping four rounds and getting prime pick on prizes.
We’ve had a hard go cheering her up after great grams passing, so I was super pleased when this was such a success with her and the rest of the fam.

Going on a magic mushroom journey around my hometown stomping grounds and today got to be that day.

After enjoying a morning of family festivities for the holiday, my husband and I left the kid to do some baking with her grandma’s while we went for a hike out of town.
The hike actually turned out to be a number of stops from the Kokapelli petroglyphs on down to white bird, cow canyon where we saw a large group of deer, and then finally the State Bridge site where we were able to wonder around a bit more. I let my husband have a greater portion so I could guide things if I needed too.

The communion with nature was intense, we hiked up a Ridge overlooking a pasture of grazing cows and took on the mesas for a bit . It was a perfect spring day with all the wild buds peeking out of the baked earth , and nice breeze.
I caught site of some encroaching rainclouds though and thought it might be best for us to get closer to the truck in case of a downpour. What ended up happening though was much more satisfying, once we got to the truck and it hadnt started raining yet we explored a little cave area through a gulch and then settled into a little alcove to watch a show in the clouds. They were smoke like in their darkness and wisp, but they just seemed to hover in place overhead in weaving patterns that shifted like ocean waves. If I stared hard enough it appeared there was a kaleidoscope like grid manifesting itself in grey tones in a private scene if wonder.

As it got later I needed to get us back to town to take my grandma to work but my husband would say it was the perfect reset the mind day , and I gave myself a little pat on the back for guiding a safe and enjoyable experience where we were still able to come back and rejoin my family for food and egg dying activities, sharing the tale of the day with my brother and having some genuinely good laughs with everyone.

Two people who belong together will find each other.

Steaks, tempura Greenbeans, and some experimental sage and chive potatoes that came out wonderfully was the culinary conclusion to tattoo and mattress delivery day.
My husband returned from Old Larimer street tattoo to suprise the kid and myself during the walk home from school. He revealed a very beautifully rendered cabin in some deep dark woods against some very red skin that his buddy Oz did. He’s very vocal about his tender bits.

The next day we visit petsmart while the kid is in school. The idea is just to browse since babies are starting to arrive with the spring season, and maybe see if they carry an automatic treat dispenser for while we’re away.
It was very difficult when we got thereunder are greeted by some very friendly fur babies behind glass. One of them sticks out as a possible candidate and he is just the absolute joyful sort, the kid to chase his tail and play fetch, however there was some ongoing stuff with thevperson who vrought ut in for adoption.Husband struggles to say let’s wait a little longer.

We then visit the lumber store next door to get quoted on prices for our next home renovation and find some nice options. We tell them we’ll be back with the proper dimensions for the material split.

In the car however, my husband is having a meltdown and can’t drive, he’s all worked up about the kitten we met and I am cracking up. So I drive home, we re measure the living room and continue weighing the pros and cons of another kitty in our home, ultimately making another trio back to the pet store in an attempt to bring that cat home. After filling out all the paperwork though we were blocked off by a previously unheard of limitation of 3 pets in a home in our city, lady says something about being legally bound by their middle man provider contract to reject the sale. Now that it was out of our hands though, the husband could finally relax but talk of a new kitten didn’t halt all together, we still looked online at shelters and eyed a little buddy named Ned nearby that could meet all our needs. If we get rejected again it’s fine, it just means we wait until a better time.

It’s a nickname we gave our daughter from Futurama because although she is cute, she can shit a 300 ton cannonball that consistently clogs the toilet of anywhere we go to.

This morning was particularly harrowing, so much that it made her late for school this morning and me being unable to successfully remove the clog while my husband was at work.

A new neighbor starts moving in. I’m a little suprised at the speed of turnaround. The wife of the guy that offed himself over there sold the place to a rental company that was able to lease the place pretty immediately, surprising considering the rent is 1800 (we currently pay 800 but that is with ownership and a few refinances under the belt).

I first catch sight of the lady and her adolescent daughter through my window overlooking the parking lot. She bares a striking resemblance to Toni Colette. We become more formally introduced over her need for the garage key. I haven’t asked about what brought her here but she willingly offered up that she was a teacher of Reiki healing. I reckon if ever there was a space that needed energetic healing that unit definitely constitutes and I ponder the chances of her being drawn to that location for such an effort to be achieved.

My husband and I helped her move some boxes into the garage and I printed off a key so she wouldn’t have to stress about it anymore. Some of the items she’s trying to get rid of hint at her previously coming from a much larger home and when she tells me her daughter is with her father for the weekend and an older son in the military, I understand the likelihood of recent divorce but I don’t want to pry so instead I tell her about a shop a little ways away called Ritualcravt that I think she would really enjoy exploring before we part ways for the evening. She seems like the friendly sort.I hope her stay there is comfortable, and the neighborhood shows her a good time.