Month: January 2023

You really hurt me, I don’t think it’s been a long time since something hurt me so much. I never thought you were capable of hurting me like that, you destroyed my self-esteem, you made me feel like the most morbid and disgusting person in the world, today I feel better but insecure, vulnerable and sad. You have to leave behind so many toxic precepts you have and respect people and be impeccable with what you say to them so you are not irresponsible.

Im letting you go.
Not sure why just now but its a good a time as any. I won’t look at your Instagram, won’t see what woman you have fooled. Won’t worry about her mental health, think about her crying with her back against the door. I won’t want to warn her to run or save herself. Thats not my path now.
If I write this to you then it will be true. Your power had gone a long time ago, but still as you promised, you have haunted my thoughts.
I see you’re working with teens now. Really? Sarah – it’s not your path – you can let him go.
I could write and write and write, about all the wrong and spread the blame, enveloping everything you are. But hat has brought me no joy in almost 9 years. Maybe one day I could forgive you. That could give me some real peace. But for now you can fade into silence. That silence that heals and births new life.
Yes, I could do that. Once day.

Through out the days, weeks, months, now years, something always seems to bring me back to you. Cacophony. Im reading a new fantasy themed book series and the word cacophony threw my head and heart into a frenzy. But not like it used to, where I’m ultra depressed and missing you like my heart had been stolen and drowned at sea never to be seen again, no. This time it was joyous. I smiled at the thought of our cacophony moment. It was a twilight smile, genuine and joyous. I remember it like it was a heart skip away, we were cuddled up in bed and the blankets were a mess, all tangled up in between us. You were complaining and called it a cacophony. You were clearly sleepy but I couldn’t hold my laughter back, oh the taunting after that. I couldn’t stop giggling and asking what In the world you meant. We looked up the definition just to be sure of the meaning and you were far off. The was the first time I head that word. One of the hardest giggle fests I’d ever had. You were always the best for that. You made my heart sing and laugh and feel deeper than ever. This is the first time I felt genuine happiness while looking back at us In over 2 years. I don’t believe I will ever love anyone even half as much as I loved you. The acceptance of that is difficult. They always talk about how time heals all things but that’s not entirely it. The time allows you to separate and accept. It’s a cradling ancestor that will never leave, will allow you to walk for as long as you need in the depths of solitude until you are ready to re-emerge. It’s the acceptance that heals. When you’re finally able to accept this new reality, that is when you truly begin to heal, to move forward, to try bolder things.
I miss the you I knew, but the monster I tore myself from, know I hope you find peace. A healed mind and peace.

You were what my intution told me.

I promise a bit of time to my neighbor April who wants to gather the other neighbor ladies in for the night so she can demonstrate her singing bowl technique.

It’s 7:30 ish and I’ll be the only one showing up, but I got my best duds on with my Gremlins Sweater and am open to seeing how this sound therapy session might be different then the probono Reiki session I got from my lady Dee quite some years back.

We have some chit chat, she talks about how before the pandemic she was trained and had taught classes over at Isis/Goddess books and this was her tip toeing back into practice. The session itself is relaxing enough, she stumbles over her words and ceremony a few times but otherwise conducts herself well enough. It does turn out to be similar to Reiki in that after she plays her music on her quartz bowls, she does some energy work with her hands over my form while I hold a shard of Amethyst. I can feel the warmth of her hands and she prompts some pleasant meditative visuals.
As I leave she sends me off with a massive helping of food, which I take home to fuel the stay up til midnight with the kid. To her credit she makes it to the fireworks, which we cantoo. Nicely
from our balcony. The husband is asleep for work in the early morning , but we save some goodies for him too.

Somehow we found our way back to each other. Being best friends at 16, you know a sacred piece of my life that many people in my adult life will never know. At 37, I marvel over and am insanely proud of the man you have become. It a huge honor to be able to be a part of life with you again.

We talk everyday, and whenever we do, my heart falls a little more in love with you; you are the sweetest man I have ever known. I feel safe around you, and I know and trust with my whole heart that you will protect my feelings. I have never experienced this level of comfort, ease, or confidence in any relationship.

You, my love, are so vulnerable with me. Because I know how hard that is for you I will always promise to keep your feelings safe, and to keep your secrets tucked away in my heart. You are always at the forefront of my mind, and I can’t imagine it being any other way. You tell me the most random stuff about your day, but also talk to me about things that are hard for you. It’s the best and most meaningful thing in my life.

So, why are we just friends and why can’t we be more? I am going to be patient, because I love you. I love the way you say my name, I love the way you send me voice messages when I’m driving because you want to keep me safe from texting and driving, I love how deep and sexy your voice is, I love how you consider me in the things you do, I love how your arms feel around me when you hug me, I love the inside jokes we have, I love seeing you laughing and smiling, I love competing against you in Mario Kart, I love that you help me feel seen. I love you so much. You don’t know it yet, but I’m going to marry you one day, and spend a lifetime being your best friend forever.

These will be my loving vows to you:

I vow you never stop being your friend. When times get hard, I will stand by you and we will weather that storm together.

I vow to always be playful with you and bring fun into our lives.

I vow to be someone who you can trust and who helps you see all the good that you are.

I vow to do everything I can to be the support you need in the the easy time and hard times.

I vow to let you win sometimes.

I vow to never stop holding your hand.

I vow to be your partner for the rest of our lives.

I vow to always do the dishes after you cook for us.

Here is to us, dear. 💛

Treat you real nice like, and your adventures enriching.

Unlike how I had performed gifting ceremonies as a child, my family unit had adopted a slightly different approach than I was used to by having the primary package eviserations br done on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day. Mostly this was due to the fact that we were always visiting my husband’s family and that’s how they did things there

This year however we had no travel plans, but I realized Iris had gotten accustomed to doing the gifts on Christmas eve now and her expectations needed to be met to some degree.

At my mother’s behest, I did the whole elf on a shelf gig with my kid for the twelve days leading up to the big day. I’d write a little poems and give her a little hint about her big gift with sticks I ordered of her favorite show Bee and Puppycat. She loved it.
Then on Christmas Eve itself we went on a drive to look at lights, and I arranged the gifts so it would like like Santa had visited while we were gone. When we returned , we got down to business. She ended the day totally blissful about her new poster and puppycat stuffy, she got lots more but those things were actually probably the hardest to pull off as it’s not super well known content yet. The kid got her dad a dragon mug, and I got him a puzzle book, Adventures In The Abyss A Dystopian Activity Book In The Modern Age. He loved it, we spent the whole next day working through what we could.
As for myself, I didn’t have any gifts to unwrap but that’s okay, we got a shiny new playstation and I got to pick out a lovely little terrarium of eye flowers from my lady friends newly opened etsy shop.
The following morning was a lazy start day before I got going cooking the dinner goods, I ran a few plates over to some of out neighbors for hospitality sake. Made our rounds of family calls and established some budding plans for a trip to Mexico with his side of the family in the following year, and a Montana trip for a family reunion on my side.All in all, the food was good, we had a nice time and it felt great not to have to deal with any of the travel hubs this year.