Not in front of the children

You tipped over 5 chairs, kicked our daughters’ two dance bags across the house, ripped the entryway mat, and scattered the contents of both trash bags down the hall. You were absolutely vile. I only care because you did it in front of our 6, 8 and 9 year olds. You terrified them. You terrified me. I hyperventilated. The front door was open. You opened it. The neighbors heard and saw. You forced our 8-year-old son to leave with you. Put him in a terrible position. The girls missed their holiday dance performance because of your tantrum. It happened 9 hours ago and I’m still quivering inside. Only because I am heartbroken for my kids. They can never unsee that. You are a terrible person.

Diamond in the trash

Almost every single day I get told how awesome I am. How great I am at my job, or how I treat people the right way, with respect and compassion. The validation is nice, of course, but I don’t think I really need it. I know this already and then some. Someone comments how hard I work, always going the extra mile to help people or just even brighten someone’s day or make them feel special or at least seen. And I appreciate that, but that person doesn’t know that even in that moment I have that smile on my face for their benefit when I have 9 dollars in the bank, haven’t eaten in 2 days, haven’t been touched in going on 8 years. And this isn’t like rock bottom or anything, I’m doing a lot better than I have in a long time, this is just what my life has been like as long as I can remember. No one needs to know any of that. But I do, and I know no one else, no one else, can do what I can do. There is no limit to my capability.

And that’s the great conflict for me, is that no matter how hard I try, I can’t get anyone to buy into what I have to offer; it’s like I have these extraordinary gifts, and the world looks at me on one hand and recognizes that, and then on the other hand says “but you still have no value.” Thats how I feel at least, pretty much all the time, from employment to romance to friends and even family. It just doesn’t make any sense to me, it never has and it never will.

Fear of leaving is destroying me

I’m terrified of you leaving me. My trauma with abandonment is going to be the death of me one day. I hate the thoughts that go inside my head, even when I know I have no reason to be scared. I’m scared, even after everything we’ve been through, that deep down you don’t need me as much as I need you. I’m scared that you can go through the day and even weeks without me, even though you tell me you need me. I can’t control my thoughts and I don’t know how to tell you.


Dear Linda
First time I’ve seen you in well over a year , I feel guilty if this is the level your reduced too , what are you doing to yourself , what are you doing , why would you be hanging out with these sort of people he’s old enough to be your grandfather , I know what was done to you when you were young would not have helped ypur situation but is there really a need for grandparents dating really , I ignored you and tried my best to avoid you was best I don’t ever really want to see you again to be honest , I hope your unhappy seems to me you are and will be if this is your effort at a relationship. Anyway I’m kinda happy seems to me like I’ve confirmed all you ever said or done to me was a lie and that makes me happy knowing I’m not missing anything only bullshit . I know you don’t understand me but I love you I really do even though I will never speak to you again I love you everyday .

I love you
Yours Always Michael


We got a portion of our holiday gifts set up little early. A doorbell camera that keeps an eye out for us at home, and a car camera to record the stuff that happens on the road.
An added bonus of the doorbell camera was it connects you to the neighborhood, with others sharing their alerts on lurkers, missing animals, etc. Unfortunately that perk is also a bit of a disappointment because now we’re seeing exactly how many lurkers are hanging out in the surrounding neighborhood testing doorknobs, getting into cars, and tis the season for package nabbers. I’d rather know than the suprise of a 3am intruder though.

Other than that, we had a few weeks of getting pounded by illness that the kid probably picked up at the playground. First came the flu, days of swimming in child vomit. Then came a feverish cold that knocked her out of school for just about another week.
It’s a relief for things to finally recover a sense of normalcy where I could get back to my work studies and daily challenges.

This weekend my mom’s bringing my grandma, brother, and her husband up for some early Christmas adventures. We’re going to have our yearly fondue indulgence at The Melting Pot and then hit up Camp Christmas for some kitchen, gaudy, fun. After the last few weeks, I am deeply looking forward to the spot of pampering.


I’m sorry this always happens.

As soon as I have alcohol in my system I become unfair. I start believing the truths about myself that I only reveal late at night, when no one is there to look at me with those pitiful eyes and ask are you okay?

I take it out on you because I feel strongly about you. I would say it’s because I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before, but that’s a lie. I wish I could tell you what’s really going on. I wish I could be vulnerable to you before it destroys us. I wish.

I’m sorry.

Dear my sister, Im sorry for not being a good sister to you and I wish i done better because i just feel like absoloute shit that i was never able to help you even when i wanted to due to my mental health not being okay. I miss being the good sister i was but my depression is quickly getting the best of me and I just want to be the best sister you have since you’re younger than me and I’m so sorry for all the times i’ve gotten mad at you and even though you may not see this I still love you so much Kaykay.