Leaving you in the past

Next month it will be ten years since I walked into that store you worked at. That moment is seared in my mind, you in light wash jeans, and your hair black as your t-shirt. There was no denying the sexual chemistry between us. You came out that night to meet with our mutual friend. We kissed that night outside the bar and the following night I was lying naked in your apartment. You were only the second guy I had slept with. We went on to date for 3 months before you sent me a text ending it all. But not really because we kept sleeping together for at least another month.

There wasn’t anything special about our time together. You weren’t some great love that I can’t get over. We barley had a title to our relationship. We mostly hung at your apartment and slept together. But now you keep popping back up and I can’t seem to hold you in my past. You married a woman I have a mutual friend of and your wife’s sister works in my new office.

Sometimes I wonder if your wife knows everything I do or if she just knows the new you. The you that apparently found god. The you that’s married with a baby. Does she know that during a 5 year relationship you had a 3 year affair? Does she know you used to slept with a heroin addict? Does she know how many women you laid with before you got in her bed? Because I know all these things. I know how you lost your virginity. I know your mom had you dad go to jail for not paying child support. I know you were there when your brother cheated on this wife.

Maybe it’s just because now there are daily reminders that I keep thinking of you and our time together. I remember going to your stepdads retirement party and you fucking me on your kitchen table afterwards. I remember our last night in your apartment before you broke up with me, it was almost Christmas and we exchanged gifts.

Maybe it’s the shame from that time I can’t let go of. I didn’t tell anyone we were together. You were 7 yrs older and going no where in life.

But now we live in the same suburb. I’m married to a different man, a better man, a better lover. Someone that knows every hope, dream and fear my body holds. Someone I’ve built a life with. Someone I met 3 months after you.

I hope in writing this out you leave my mind. I hope if I ever run into you I can pass you without a second thought. Because I truly want to be done. You ended it then and I wasn’t ready. But now I’m choosing to let go of the things I wish I didn’t put up with… you.

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