First I was flattered you thought of me so much. Then I kept listening to the song over and over and it seemed like you were shifting all the blame on me. Then (in true INTJ fashion) I made you an itemized list of why you should not feel that way. But whatever, blame it all on me.
And, in the interest of candor, I must confess that I am engaged. He pushed me to talk to you and see where it goes because he wants me to go into marriage with no regrets. Weird guy, no?
Telling you I loved you was the stupidest mistake of my life, in one way. It meant no more you, I could have kept silent, never let you know, and then, well then I could have been seeing you all the time, in reality if I had done that, undoubtedly we would be good friends, but then the part of telling you that was right, was it meant, no more you.
You see yesterday I dreamt of you, we did get together in my dream and yes it was perfect, obviously since it was a dream.
But if you were in my life I know still the agony of it, for of course no you wouldn’t love me too, you cannot suddenly find me attractive, and yet if you did, just as I knew then, I cannot betray someone, I was with someone then, and whilst I told you, I never could have caused that heartbreak, and so I knew it was as well you did not love me, because then what?
And over time I have considered that, would I have left everything to be with you?
Whatever way I don’t have to wonder, both because you don’t and never were going to love me, and it is too late. You hated me for telling you, and no doubt being with not the least attraction, it was always inconceivable, but me, I have had no change in all this time, you are still everything that anyone could want, and I am in no doubt that if dreams came true-Not the kind like I had yesterday, but the “Be with me forever” dream, that life would be all I could ask for.
You were then absolutely all I could ever want, not one thing is different.
But it is as it is, life goes on and to my last day I will still feel that way.
I hope actually you found someone to have that from, I want that for you, I want to believe they wake up and see everything good and perfect and are grateful for the fact they can look at you and say “I love you” and to hear you say it back.
Some people dream of untold wealth, maybe they have sexual fantasies, maybe any number of things, me? Waking up beside you, or sat on the grass under a tree next to you, looking at you and just saying it and hearing it, and holding you close.
Let that be what life is for you at least, you deserve it.
4. I grovelled to you begging forgiveness and you seemingly accepted.
1. We were never exclusive
2. You had someone on the side as well
3. You got married and played me (making us even, even regardless of points 1 and 2)
I think about you every day, you know.
Sept. 2
hope you’ve had a happy birthday, Goof.
Brat
I thought that the words would come to me when I decided to write this. I thought I would become a poet of sorts, sobbing over words that truly told how I feel. The truth is, I am not sure how to feel. You were my best friend, or so I thought. Now I know the proper term was grooming. Do you know how long it took me to understand that? Do you know how long it takes a child to come to terms with that broken trust? I hoped I would have some powerful statement that would make you think back and realize how truly evil what you did was. I am lost. I try to pretend to be strong. That I am a survivor of CSA. Truthfully I do feel like a victim. I spent the years you were in prison separating the child you abused from the person I was becoming. Now I am a grown woman, with an identity crisis who cant come to terms with the fact that little girl IS me. Why did you do it? Did you not think about me? Did you think that I would just get over it? I trusted you. I trusted you. I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU. I want to scream it. Sometimes I think that it would be more bearable if it was a stranger that did it. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wouldve just not told what you were doing. SA is weird. They say to let the abuser face justice, however the victim is the one who continues to pay. I cant go where you chose to work. I cant go where you chose to live. I cant get past what you chose to do. There is a reoccurring theme there, huh? YOU get to choose, and I get to pay. Maybe someday I will have stronger words. I will write a letter like this that is empowering, shows strength.
But for now,
Tomorrow is the silent auction fundraiser Arise! Being hosted at one of my favorite crafty nooks and tattoo parlors nearby ( I met the husband and wife duo and each a respective owner of the different shops and a circus themed birthday party some years ago) .
I messaged the shop owner after receiving their call for artists to donate their works to the auction benefitting The Colorado Doula Project. I sent her a picture of a few of my paintings to choose from and she picked my not quite finished Jurogumo . My husband wasn’t too keen on her pick, he was wanted to keep the spider lady around a little longer.
Ultimately I felt this was a fitting means to part with her , though I’d recieve no monetary gain for her sale she will be among other peers exceptional works for display before a significantly sized audience. If she recieves any bids,her sale will benefit womens & wellness.
So I took a few days to polish her up before delivering her to the location. The people that tecieved her were very kind and thankful and I was able to pick up my personal favorite Fiddlers Green Magazine while I was in the area.
I’ll be able to catch the tail end of the auction tomorrow, as my husband will have the car for work. I talked a few lady friends into going with me and I’m excited to see what other contributions will be on display.
It really sucks knowing that all you want from me is friendship & sex… I get the friendship I could’ve settled at that eventually but now I just feel used..
I cant be your friend, it’ll never happen this way.. I care about you in a whole different way than I do my friends. I think you know this too..
I know you want me to be your friend because you think I’m always going to be in your corner.. and I would be, but that means sacrificing so much of myself for you, and I already have wasted so much time waiting for you to hopefully see that I’m good enough? But obviously at the end of the day it’s not me that you want & likely never will.. you just want someone who will love you unconditionally and be in your corner..
I honestly don’t know how to do this anymore, I can’t keep keeping my feelings in and being hurt by being your friend.. eventually we’ll be “friends” and you’ll meet someone and I’ll still be the friend watching it happen and hurting.. that’s how it goes.. I need to have you completely removed from my life so I can move on and hopefully meet someone that I won’t compare to you everyday ..
You have so much of me, it’s insane.. you have my love, my dads love, my kids love and even my moms love.. I’m never going to get that in someone else, I struggle with dating because I look at their lips & wonder if their kiss will ever compare to yours or if they would hold me with the same intensity that you did before.. I wonder how am I even supposed to move on when all of these feelings are all so very much at the surface, even 3 years later.. I don’t know but I think its time to try.
I never expected a relationship from you right away either… I liked taking it slow, just as long as we were on the same page and showing consistency and the end game was being together.. I don’t know why relationships are so scary to you, but maybe it’s the same reason dating is for me now .. I never expected your undivided attention, or 24/7 conversations, being together everyday even.. I like my space, I just expected similar effort to meet, plan dates, message or call every other day to say hey I didn’t run away…
Who knows… I just know that I’ll never be able to be your friend, not right now and not for a long time at least
All those damning secrets buried in your garden….
Does it ever get lonely, watching the wildflowers wilt one by one?
Or do you revel in the secrecy?
Tongue tied, I am deciding to leave the enclosed stone wall
For a babbling brook, or ducks who arrive in Winter,
Or even a silver frosted forest.
I’d rather be shivering these days then keep warm
And pretend to know what flowers you like most.
