Words.
Oh I got em. And I’m good with them too, or at least I’d like to think so. But those same words seem to so quickly turn into excuses or false promises. My intentions are good, but my words betray me.
Nope, just kidding, my words, in and of themselves, are innocent. I betray my words and myself with my actions. Maybe it’s not even betrayal, maybe it’s sabotage. Maybe a bit of both. It’s like a well-thought plan. I have one, but what is that worth without the commitment to its execution? By any and all means.
In the end, I believe actions are more meaningful than words, and results are more meaningful than actions. So, I know it doesn’t matter how many words I put together, or how eloquently, if they ultimately ring hollow. That’s not what I want to be – a man whose statements and beliefs and acts are separate entities. That’s what’s called a hypocrite. They should all be in alignment, and I know I’m not nearly there.
You are, of course, right, about pretty much everything. You always have been. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, lolz, but there’s a bit of a maturity gap between us. I could talk about the crushing despair I felt inside every time you asked the same question: “where are you living now?” The truth is, I never knew I could be so selfish. But those are just more words, and how crushing was that despair really if my behavior barely changed at all??
There are so many more words I could give you, like an unending filibuster of my love. But they would just be what this entire letter is: just words devoid of any meaning beyond attached actions and resultant outcomes.
You deserve better than that. And while I wish I could offer you more than stupid words at the moment, I can’t. I am trying. I really am. To put that aforementioned plan into motion. The actions are starting to match the words, getting there at least. But, at this point I know you need results. And if they come, hopefully soon for my own sake, you’ll know. In the meantime, I’m inclined to stay in my dark place and just focus, but I can adjust that position.
Short of results, I feel like I’m just wasting your time. The picture in your head, it deserves to be real. That is the most truly honest set of words I can give you right now.
Well, not quite. I think about you often, every day. And it always makes me happy :). I love you.