I’m sorry for our past, and for the very real harm you did to me. I’m sorry I can’t just laugh it off or forget it like you want me to. I know you’ll never acknowledge or take responsibility for any of it, and I will never get any closure and will always struggle to trust you. But you’d rather have it like that, right? Maybe call me a bitch or something too, just to really drive home the point that this is my problem, and only mine. Besides, telling other people how they should feel seems to be very in nowadays in some circles.
I’m sorry that I have never been exactly what you wanted. I’m sorry you never really tried to be a part of my life where you could help facilitate positive change. It would’ve been so much easier for you if I was just always perfect right? I’m sorry you never let me in more than an inch where I could’ve done the same for you. But you already are perfect right? So that’s probably why.
I’m sorry real two-way communication just isn’t nearly as important for you as it is for me. All the times I tried to tell you I was hurting, or feeling sad, or lost, or even exuberantly happy and proud of myself, and you never listened to a damn word did you? You certainly never replied. But you’re entitled to that, huh? By how you were born??? ‘Leverage’ is such a sexy concept, don’t you think? I’m sorry I’m not just content with an attractive face, but that I actually have the audacity to want a real partner that I can share everything with. What have we shared? Honestly asking here because if I answered I’d be worried I’d made 90% of it up in my head. Because I’m “delusional” and a “lunatic” right? And you call me a gaslighter lmao.
I’m sorry it was always so easy for you to take me for granted. I guess it usually is for your plan c or d or whatever I honestly was. You never deserved my loyalty, but I gave it to you anyways.
That’s on me I guess. Really, I don’t think you know me at all, other than what narrative you’ve painted over the years. Let me guess, I’m just like everyone else, all the other dbags out there who just say whatever it takes to get what they want. Maybe if you’d taken any time to get to know me since idk the Obama presidency, you’d realize that not only is that not true, but I’ve actually grown a lot as a person. Oh, I still have some pretty considerable flaws that are gonna be tough to shake, and you’ve made it abundantly clear I’ll have to do that completely on my own, but I am not the same person you think I am. You cant imagine how frustrating it is to hear all these people in relationships bragging about their sex life, and cheating, and how to manipulate people to get what they want, and me just sitting in the corner silently thinking life isn’t fair. And then telling myself you’d fall for their bs before you even gave me the time of day.
I’m sorry that what has become the status quo is no longer sufficient for me. It never was, but I tried because that’s what you clearly wanted. Nothing more, nothing less. All this time, you’ve been in total control, you’ve set the rules, you’ve set the venue, you’ve chosen what doors remain open and which are forever closed. All to remain squarely within your comfort zone. I didn’t complain that I was constantly forced to leave mine, you certainly have never cared how uncomfortable I’ve been. Honestly, most of the time I don’t even think you like me. I’m just a husk of a body you desperately wish you could change everything about and implant all of your values and ideas into. That doesn’t feel good.
Mostly I’m sorry there is nothing I can do to fix this without your help. Lets say I win the powerball tomorrow and you reach out. Is that going to make me trust you anymore? No, probably less. What can I do that I haven’t already tried? You’ve said it yourself many times, you’re not attracted to me, you don’t want to be friends, I’m not even worthy of the smallest bit of your recognition. I know you don’t want to hear this A, but the ball is in your court just like it always has been. All I can do in the meantime is just keep trying everyday to be a little better, for myself. Not super romantic I guess, but believe me I have a few complaints in that arena as well. Having to go to prom alone, twice, is just the very tip of the iceberg, so you have some idea of what I’m talking about.