Day: July 19, 2021

I expect more from the two of you than anyone else on earth, because I know better than anyone but yourselves what you are capable of. And I am also more forgiving with you two than anyone else I know.

What duty you owe to family has been one of the most enduring questions I have ever grappled with. After a lot of different role models, both fictional and real, I decided upon the example set by the best person I’ve ever known. Family is absolute.

I’ve told you not to look to me as a role model. That’s a cop out. At least partially. I SHOULD have been a better example. But I wasn’t. And seeing you guys following my footsteps in so many ways hurts bad because not only do I feel even more so like I failed as an example, but because I know the pain that you’re gonna feel someday as a result of bad choices I’ve already been through. I know it’s just growing up. But I wanted to spare you as much as I could. What’s been eye-opening for me, having not listened as much as I should’ve to those who tried to help me, was seeing you guys make so many of my mistakes even though I know you don’t listen to me at all. Maybe it’s just genetics. But I also accept that the version of me that was around in your formative years was not a very good role model. And thats all on me. I’ve been trying really hard the last few years to be a better person, but I fear I missed my window to positively influence you in any meaningful way.

I wish I could say all this to your faces. Instead it will never be said at all. I’ve played it out 14 million times like Dr. Strange and there has never been even one scenario where I adequately expressed my frustration and you never talked to me again. I’m a pretty bold guy, but that’s a risk I cannot take. I fly off the handle so quick. And, in the moment, I know I would say unforgivable things. I really don’t like passive-aggressive behavior, but this is the best I can do. To put my own mind a little more at ease, if nothing else. You know what they say, Patience and Faith.

Sometimes I wonder if you did see this coming or what you saw at all. What if you’re just not that intelligent?

I have some serious work to do on myself. I never imagined that it would be you that broke me though and then left me all alone to figure it out. I’m going to take all that unwavering faith I had in our relationship, the deep felt confidence I felt in your love for me and the complete trust I had that we always had each other…. I’m going to take you out of those…. And turn it into unwavering faith, deep felt confidence and complete trust…. For ME. For myself. I can visualize now, my future self. I am starting to believe there’s a possibility that I can actually accept myself fully. That I will be able to love myself, not be ashamed of where I’ve been because I will be so proud of who I am.

I have desperately felt the need for you to tell me what it was I did wrong for you to leave me and to abandon the babies. Because for so long I have held you on a pedestal as being a more admirable and respectable person than I could ever be. I had been feeling that there must be something inherently wrong with ME, that I caused you to do this because the person I felt that you were was much to honest and trustworthy and loved those kids too fucking much otherwise. I am starting to understand things differently now. Now I’m desperate for the day that I cry over something else, that I’m not sad anymore and that I can look back to this experience with you as something I grew from…. Not the thing that broke my soul. I am so desperate for that day.

It might not be today, but I know one day you’ll miss us. I know you’ll even miss me. And when that happens I hope you reach out to me and we can reflect on our relationship, the good and the bad…what we did right and where it went wrong. I hope at some point you’ll have figured out why you chose to end things this way and when you do, I hope you’re okay with that answer. Its not often in life you find love like we had. I hope the reasons behind you throwing away ours was worth it.

Every day I get up and get on the computer and print out a fresh set of documents relating to my business. Some have charts, some have graphs, but all of them are important business documents that I need to conduct my business transactions. You think I’m a workaholic just because I was at the office until late and forgot your birthday dinner? Well excuse me for living! Where do you think the money to pay for that birthday dinner comes from? That’s right, it comes from me and my business documents. Of course I love you, you’re my wife for a reason – because we fell in love and got married. But you have got to get off my case about how much time I’m spending with my business documents.

I’ll be 32 and I’m reflecting on what an action packed month it’s been and the pleasant sights that seemed foreign to me not that long ago, several years ago I was in a space of deep depression at how hopeless it seemed to get the finances together for a small space of my own with my three cats while I was attending college and working 2 jobs (even in my highest paying position I was woefully short of the funding needed to establish my footing in an apartment in this city). It still seems strange to me that entering a partnership with my now husband turned that all around and flipped it with his patience to take all that on even including with the suprise of a child and all.

Earlier this month we hired some cat sitters and flew out to Idaho with my fam to visit my husband’s side of the family for the weekend of the fourtb. They kept us running around nonstop. My partners step dad rented a speedboat our first full day there and we spent the entire day on the very massive Priest lake with his folks,grandmother,pre teen sister and her friend, where we would find different beach like spots to anchor down and eat up. The trees in this region are so impressively tall and the lakes so big you might mistake being on the beach coast.

On the holiday of the 4th itself his folks got us passes to the Silverwood Adventure park, handing us his sister for the day so they could celebrate their own Independence day

I really loved you, although I never met you.

Dearest Hubby,

I love you with all of my heart. You know that, but there is something you are not sharing with me. For a week now I have been waiting for you to touch me. For the past 4 days, I started touching you. I thought you might need incentive. I thought maybe you wanted to feel wanted and needed. But you just roll over and ignore me.

Wth?!

I don’t get it. Do you not want me anymore? I’m sorry, but as a woman who as part of her Love Language needs touch… well, I NEED you to touch me. And I need Words of Affirmation…. Please, if you still DO want me after 25 years, PLEASE touch me.

Baby, we’ve been together since Middle School. If you don’t want to touch me anymore, I get it. I’m getting older, wrinklier, ugly… let me know so I can go find attraction elsewhere at least. Don’t take it as a threat. It’s simply a need/desire that (if you no longer desire me) you can’t meet.

Please understand. I love you.

Love me enough to give me what I need. Or talk to me, because this has been an off and on issue for years now… if it is not that you don’t desire me, WHAT IS THE ISSUE?

I’m sad. I want you to care. I’m trying so hard to maintain boundaries and give you what you need, but what about what I need?

Do you care? I don’t know. I think you do but your actions are confusing.

I want to make things right but how can I if you pull away every time we become intimate?

I love you so much. However, I’m starting to think for my sanity, I need to move and refocus my attention on my career because it seems at this point… it’s all I will ever really have.