Letters I'll Never Send

To Stephen Tyrone Colbert.

Hi, I type this to tell you anonymously that I have the biggest crush on you. I have had a crush on you for two years now.

I have a crush on you because (and these reasons are in no particular order) you are brilliant, you can talk circles around most people with your knowledge of politics, Catholicism, and of course The Lord Of The Rings. You are hilarious, even when I am in my deepest darkest depression your humor always makes me laugh and cheers me up. Also, I have a crush on you because you are (in my opinion) the sexiest hottest man on the face of the planet.

So, that’s it that’s all I wanted to say anonymously is that I have a huge crush on you and I just want to thank you for sharing your humor with the world. GOD bless you, Stephen Colbert.

Your biggest fan in Toronto Canada
Anonymous

S,
I wish we never met. I would have have been perfectly okay with that. To not have known and explored this deep passion left unreciprocated. I blame myself this time. I already knew but I still treaded on in your vast sea of indecision and baiting every time it was convenient for you.

I think of you every day. Every time a book or film picks my interest, every time the news reads politicians’ incompetence, every time clowns in the debating community reveal themselves as such.

I am itching to talk to you but I can’t. If I know any better, I will not. Not with the knowledge that I only serve as a temporary distraction when your boyfriend’s not around. Or when he’s just too elementary to talk to you about Camus or Gerwig’s work or Khaled Hosseini’s books.

It’s just…oh babe, I’m sorry I’m too selfish to wish you happiness right now. Please don’t expect me to be around anymore. I am only human. If you only know how you’ve shattered me to such little pieces. As a final act of self-preservation, I am finally committing myself to erasing you in my life. I don’t want to drive myself to another drinking problem again when I worked so hard to be out of the rabbit hole I was once in.

So I guess this is goodbye babe.

Dear universe
I am so tired of living.
I don’t feel capable of much lately.
Please send good thoughts.
I could use them
Love, the girl by the pond.

Sometimes it breaks out, sometimes it stays quiet. Sometimes you’d think it’s finally cured. And then, when the immune system is weak it suddenly shows up again.

I’ve never felt so wholly or completely loved by anyone else. You see so much of who I am and inspire to me to be better. You are the best person I know, absolutely. You’re generous with your time and energy, you lift people up, you value yourself and remind people of their own worth. Watching you from across the room….it’s so fun to see you light people up with your attention. I love you and would always be by your side if we had found each other first.

Feeling like I’m missing you.
Hoping you miss me too.
Thinking that you probably don’t.
Knowing if you did we’d be closer.
Wanting to be closer.

I loved you in ways that I still don’t understand.
There’s no way back and no road forward.
You’d get it if you heard that.
Some type of personal understanding I think we’ve shared.
Some connection that still breathes.
Across space and time.
Take care.

Dear You,
I still think of you all the time. I miss you so much. Not sure if you think of me, even if at all but I’ve had you on my mind, lately.

Mom told me that it appears you are no longer with your wife and I feel bad for you, honestly. I know the type of guy you are and I know you’re hurting because you have not been able to see your children. Either way, I pray that you can work it out with your ex-wife to co-parent effectively and move on, respectfully.

I just keep asking myself what happened? Wishing I could talk to you. I still check my email every day to see if you’ll reach out. I am ready when you are to speak.

With love,
Love <3