Category: To You

Sad and angry

I confess I am angry, angry you are a believer, not just any, but that particular group. I wish I could argue you out of belief, but that won’t happen, if I tried I would only alienate you totally.
And anyway it needs the person to realise, you won’t or if you do, you will be married by then, and given what you said, to someone the same.

That makes me even angrier, that is because I would do anything to be with you, and whilst some would say you can’t fake it, I damn well could and would, better than most who are according to them, genuine believers.
But I am years too late, and worse I’d believe if you said you loved me, wat else could bring you to me but a god.
But no, you don’t and won’t and I hate it, oh I understand how easy to fall in it is, and that too really grinds me up, it’s a faith you were brought up in, you did not get choice, but I cannot even tell you that much, you believe now so there is no talking you out of it.
But it isn’t fair, it isn’t. I love you, I would respect every rule and part of your faith if it meant being with you. I would spend y life making you happy because just being near you makes me happy. I know that is so selfish, and greedy but I can’t help it.
I heard what you said, and I mean listened properly, so I would respect your wishes, I would honour you always.
Now maybe some would say never put her on a pedestal, but you are a princess in my eyes so how can I not. How can I not love you and want to make every day perfect for you.
Tortuous life why do we seek gods at all? Because it is all so unfair, when we love we hurt, so we want a greater power, a promise that if not now, then one day, all will be as we wish, re-united with loved ones, and that old tale of he has a plan for you, what you want now, he may have more in store than you know, yeah if you believe, then it hurts but you have hope.
The promises and rewards in our minds hold more power than anything anyone else could offer.
How sick that it is this way, you will never never know how I feel, never know that I would walk through fire and hell if it were real to save you, and I hope whoever you end up with, will love you half as much as I do, you deserve to be loved this much, you are one in a billion and I could write a million more words, but they all come into a sentence that if you think about what it says and take it truly, you will understand. I would do anything for you, because, I love you absolutely no matter what

So sick

Dear L

I am so sick and tired of being your so called friend. You are such a bitch who cares about nothing but herself, how you look and where you live, oh and what stupid ridiculous designer purses hang in your closet. You have no shred of empathy, of human decency.

You help me out once or twice, but you are a crazy thoughtless bitch who would rather make everyone suffer all around you. You don’t even know where your son is!

How can you compare motherhood to my experience? When I literally want my child and spend time with him every day WHILE working? And being sober as fuck? I would give anything for my family, including shoving you off a cliff overall, I think you have done more harm than good in my life, and I am ready to see you fall. Heck I might even be the one to push you over the ledge.

Go fuck yourself.

Do you care at all?

When COVID hit you I was devastated, sick with worry because you know I care about you, I know that you don’t know how much but even so you know it is a lot.
Why else do you think I was so concerned, yeah chances were slim anything bad would happen but when you love a person you are going to worry.
Anyway I did tell you I would be there whatever you need, course you got family around but all I wanted was you to know, I care, I was worried.
And I did my best to keep your spirits up, I knew not to overdo it, and I accept since we are not together I didn’t want you thinking this freak won’t leave me be.
But what hurts is, there was not one single call or message of how am I.
But you have been in touch with others.
I know you are not doing great and of course I would not be on your mind often. But heck I did think we were closer than absolutely nothing.
I feel so stupid, I wish I didn’t love you, wish when I see you again I could happily ignore you for a bit, but being the damn fool who loves you, of course I won’t instead I will be like a damn puppy happy to see its master.
But inside I will be just a bit, no a lot cut up that I rated so low to you that you wouldn’t even once have wanted to know how I was doing.
I know how selfish I sound, and I never worried or checked up on you, or called you, or tried to brighten your day, in order to get thanks, or anything, I did it because you matter.
And not one how are you.
And don’t assume any readers, this is non stop, it was not.
I know when I am not wanted, I just had till now believed we were friends at least, based on your actions not my expectations.
Well I shall slither into the background and just do my best to keep away, when someone’s not important, not wanted to speak to, then the message has come through. My apologies for caring

apology

to mom – I acted like a jerk when I first moved back all those years ago. I also am absolutely done with the unpacking of childhood issues and would appreciate it if you don’t bring them up.
Jess – I am sorry that i have such a hard time letting you go again.
W – I’m sorry i didn’t trust you
She – I’m sorry i told your biggest secret to mom. I live in fear that she will tell you that she knows.

Thinking of You

Hey love,
Its A here. You’ve been on mind a lot lately. I wish I could talk to you and wonder if we’ll ever get the opportunity to. I’m sure we will but I’ll have to be ready.

I sometimes wonder what that conversation will look like? What would we be talk about? Would you be transparent about what has transpired in your life over the last 7 years?

I wonder how if we’ll end up together. I hope so. I pray that we’ll have a happy, prosperous, and long life together.

I will do ANYTHING!

There’s some stuff that you and I will know but in the outer reaches of possibility that you ever come to a place like here, I want you to know, I just am too afraid to say it to your face and stumble over the words and look like an idiot.

So, you have a particular fantasy, you told me when we sat together in the office.
You like a particular brand of shoes.
And your reasons not to be with me, we have debated if they can be overcome or not.
Well the first thing that needs be said is, sure whatever happens, whether you read this or not, I will always try to be what you want, I will make occasional jokes but never once will I push you for more than we are, never ever will I expect it.
I asked you to tell me if things change, so I will hold out hope that it can happen.
All I intend to do to move toward that end is, give of myself to you.
Support you any way I can, show you that whatever you say or do, you can lean on me, I will never judge you, never not be there for you, never break your trust, will be everything I can.

I love you, ok scary whoa slow down man, of course you think that, and you probably would think that is some hell of a pressure even if we were right now free to be together. Well no.
But I would have to love you to have a future with you, I am just not the sort to get one thing and go. Which we have spoken of already.
I see what you said, and if they are all that you worry about, then consider those issue carefully, you know how much I respect you and everything you hold dear, so you know I would do everything to uphold those things, there are certainly two things beyond my ability to change but one of them is not a good reason to not be happy, and be honest unless you told anyone, who the hell would even know?
Another it would hardly impact you.
But any argument I make is irrelevant, what I would like is you to wipe all that aside and consider what could we be. As I said, I don’t want to leap into a physical, I’d love to take time to know you better, what is your favourite food, your perfect day, perfect date, ideal wedding-And not just location as you told me already.
Films you love, clothes, everything about you matters, there is nothing about you I would not want to know, but nothing that I would demand to either, literally I would be blessed to be told anything, but happy to take what you feel safe and comfortable sharing.
I respect your boundaries, we all have an inner me that hides something. I would tell you any part of my life though for with you I truly feel like you are a part of my soul, my being, that I never knew was missing until you made me see you complete me.

Is it too much to tell you, maybe,, but my heart bursts with happiness to be around you, to come home to you, that would be , I haven’t the words to describe it.

I told you I would do what you think I cannot, but I would, because how could I not, if you loved me, then all things are possible.
Okay I know my current situation, and as I said, it has to be resolved, neither quick or easy or painless. But after years knowing it just wasn’t right, the second I knew what I felt for you, I knew if there was a way, I did deserve to be happy
I could write so much but I think I must resign myself to this, I will take what I am given, but every minute of every day I shall try to be what you could love, I will go to my end trying to earn it, if I fail, I will have tried and for some while, have known you, and even if all we remain as is friends, I am already blessed.
I love you now, I will love you tomorrow, I will love you for all my tomorrows.
You are the sun that lights up my heart.
I will be there for you in whatever way I can, and pray to god that if he listens, if he will help, he will make me all that you want and need, so that one day I can be all that makes you feel this happy because you deserve to be loved like you are the most amazing woman ever, because, that is what you are.