Category: To You

Jens birthday is in Castlerock in the evening, and my neighbor Jade does a dress swap with me so that I’ll have something to wear. I give her a cute little purple and black plaid killstar dress that resembles something Wednesday would wear and in return she gives me a lovely little peasant dress dotted in sunflowers, perfectly enough it resembles my maid of honor outfit for the birthday girls Halloween wedding and it looks nice on.
When we arrive at Jens house a few other guys that I recognize have arrived before us. Greetings are made, wine is poured and her fiance is starting the burgers.
Jen tells a tale of being haunted by a poltergeist lately, and of objects moving without external force. I take that as my queue to bring Nate into the conversation. Jens friend Nate once worked at Domino’s, a wife, child and was murdered one night on the job. The killer then used his uniform to disguise themselves as an employee of domino’s to gain access to, shoot and kill a parole officer. Nate body was abandoned in a meadow. At the end of Jens retelling of Nates life being abruptly thieved too soon, I give a toast to honor the memory of the friends unable to be here with us.

After some lightly charred burgers, David pulls a magnificent little cake out of the fridge designed to appear as a gold dragon resting on flaming curls of frosting. The bakery did a masterful job on the strawberry champagne flavor of the recount. Afterwards we end the night around the patio fire surrounded by fairylight , recounting various concert and friend adventures that we’ve had together and various plans for future courses for fun. Jen threatens me with the amount of bustle I’m going to be having to help her button up on her 3k wedding gown.
I leave my friend with two board games I picked up the night before from 2nd and Charles, The call to Adventure and Key to the Kingdom. One box depicts a woman holding her sword to face the horizon of a fantastical landscape and in a like manner the other box illustrates a man carrying his sword to face the horizon. They like having game nights and it seemed appropriate. It was a pleasant night.

I thought Brittania was an exemplary depiction of the savageries that set in motion great cycles of change that would eventually lead to attempted safety networks like child services, or any other organization built for the sole purpose of protecting ,providing security, and even light hearted distractions to children of trauma.

Also the actors are all quite excellent in the history of such dark matters.

I’ve been working in the operating room. It’s safe to say it’s not my calling but I tried. Who am I really? What gifts do I have that can lead me to that lifelong career that’s fit for me? I look around and so many people my age have it figured out. Money I know is everything. But what’s truly rewarding is helping people out. That much I know. I looked up sonographer and I’ve done some research. How do I know for sure though?

I’m sorry. There is just nothing to talk about and I’m not sure when to tell you that I’m not sure anymore. You are a good guy but all we do is sit in silence. I should be happy and grateful but I keep thinking back to that tall one. Why do I not feel happy in this.

Unearthed emotions
Going through the motions
I will be alone tonight
I’m losing sleep again tonight
As the rain slicked cars go by
I can’t find a reason why
I can’t surrender to slumber
Instead I lay in bed and remember
The promises you made to me
One glittering night at 3:30
And so I will be alone tonight
Wondering if you’ll sleep tonight
There’s nothing I can do
Aside from missing you
I focus on my breathing
And count the tiles on the ceiling

I cannot fathom why you’re still on my mind so often. You don’t deserve to be. I used to think that you never intended to act the way you did, that I was just collateral damage. But I’m no longer convinced. You must have known exactly what you did to me. How could you have not? Even now I feel as though you continue to taunt me. Trust me when I say I wish for nothing more than to erase you from my memory. You should have never approached me, and everyday I regret that I responded to your attentions. And here we are so close to the anniversary of the day where you might as well have spat in my face, and I cannot seem to expunge the memory of you out of my brain. If my situation was different, I would have disappeared from your life years ago. Forced myself to forget you until that memory became nothing but a fleeting thought. But our worlds are so damned intertwined, and there is no one I can talk to. I fear looking and sounding delusional. If only they could see your cruelty forever what it is. If only they knew how you treated me. Please. I beg you. For the love of God leave me alone. You’ve already ruined me. Is it not enough? Stop making me miss you. I can’t take it anymore

You of all people, after all we’ve been through
Started out an angel and now you get away with murder
Made our home into a crime scene you know I’d never hurt you
I’d say call the paramedics, but I know it’s too late

Still don’t understand this
How long had you planned this all?

You made my heart stop with just a few drops
Now it’s a race against time
Was it the water or wine?
Some kind of poison
Can feel my blood boiling
But now I know there is no antidote for you

I thought that my story would end more like the movies
In a black and white car crash or on a crazy Vegas night, right?
But this is medieval. We’re on some game of thrones shit
At least you stabbed me in the front, not in the back… thanks

I don’t understand this
How long had you planned this out?

You made my heart stop with just a few drops
Now it’s a race against time
Was it the water or wine?
Some kind of poison
Can feel my blood boiling
Now I know there is no antidote for you

You made my heart stop with just a few drops
Now it’s a race against time
Was it the water or wine?
Some kind of poison
Can feel my blood boiling
And now I know there is no antidote for you
And now I know there is no antidote for you

I spend a pretty large portion of the day out in the yard, keeping a loose eye on my girl child while she plays with the neighbor kids. It’s a slow start to the party with kids mostly just showing each other things on their respective tablets. The guns are still out today but as I was telling the other moms, even though guns weren’t largley present until my paintballing years, I still participated in violent video games like Mortal Kombat and was a passionate WWF fan in my youth. We conclude that kids are psychopaths in general as another mom brought up how her niece would tell her what breed different horses were in Red Dead Redemption before killing them. That mom goes on a coffee run while the youngest kids dance around in the sprinklers for a bit. When she gets back the kids migrate into her house where the more mischievous older boys try to prank the younger kids. We check on them periodically. At one point we hear yelling from outside but it turned out that the were playing FBI.
As its Sam’s favorite game to play I theorize that perhaps his caretaker grandma watches a lot of the csi type shows. I suggest The Ballad of Buster Scruggs as a good western type watch for one of the boys to watch with his ma. It’s a good time time, but after the intermission and I’ve had my social fill we don’t rejoin everyone in the evening. Besides now I have chores to catch up on.

My kid and her neighbor friend are reading books on their tablets in her room when I hear a kids voice shouting FBI open up!! From my downstairs entryway. It’s Evan and another neighbor kid I’m less familiar with named Sammi , toting around their very large assault rifle looking play guns that shoot water bbs. Their looking for the little boy upstairs and the Sammi kid says to me “Tell them to come down or we’ll shoot them with real bullets!” Evans smirking behind him.
I say No sternly and whatever my face says, the kid alerts his eyes from it in a fearful manner. The kid upstairs is shouting down that he doesn’t want to play because of the guns and because they’re mean to him. I tell them that they can play upstairs if they leave the guns behind but they loose interest after that and continue to play outside with their guns the remainder of the day.

I bring the incident up to the moms later. The gun addicts mom says there’s not much she can do because he buys the guns with his own money and the other kids not hers, I mention maybe just keeping the responsibility talks going and send her off with a box of food from my pantry because my mom hauled up way too much food for us to eat by ourselves in good time.

The second half of the day was much improved with a return to the movie theater for TMNT Mutant Mayhem. I love it, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying and I remember how I got into the arts in the first place.
My kid sings three non blondes the whole way home and it feels like a naustalgic joke and revival I get to share with all the other buddies that grew up liking the same things that I did.

But I was looking for a scene from Brittania where the dead man is meeting the assassin lady in the rain and they exchange some sort of funny dialogue about weather feeding off interactions. YouTube didn’t have that for me. But this was nice.