Do you care if I don’t know what to say?

Unearthed emotions
Going through the motions
I will be alone tonight
I’m losing sleep again tonight
As the rain slicked cars go by
I can’t find a reason why
I can’t surrender to slumber
Instead I lay in bed and remember
The promises you made to me
One glittering night at 3:30
And so I will be alone tonight
Wondering if you’ll sleep tonight
There’s nothing I can do
Aside from missing you
I focus on my breathing
And count the tiles on the ceiling

Stop

I cannot fathom why you’re still on my mind so often. You don’t deserve to be. I used to think that you never intended to act the way you did, that I was just collateral damage. But I’m no longer convinced. You must have known exactly what you did to me. How could you have not? Even now I feel as though you continue to taunt me. Trust me when I say I wish for nothing more than to erase you from my memory. You should have never approached me, and everyday I regret that I responded to your attentions. And here we are so close to the anniversary of the day where you might as well have spat in my face, and I cannot seem to expunge the memory of you out of my brain. If my situation was different, I would have disappeared from your life years ago. Forced myself to forget you until that memory became nothing but a fleeting thought. But our worlds are so damned intertwined, and there is no one I can talk to. I fear looking and sounding delusional. If only they could see your cruelty forever what it is. If only they knew how you treated me. Please. I beg you. For the love of God leave me alone. You’ve already ruined me. Is it not enough? Stop making me miss you. I can’t take it anymore

ANTIDOTE

You of all people, after all we’ve been through
Started out an angel and now you get away with murder
Made our home into a crime scene you know I’d never hurt you
I’d say call the paramedics, but I know it’s too late

Still don’t understand this
How long had you planned this all?

You made my heart stop with just a few drops
Now it’s a race against time
Was it the water or wine?
Some kind of poison
Can feel my blood boiling
But now I know there is no antidote for you

I thought that my story would end more like the movies
In a black and white car crash or on a crazy Vegas night, right?
But this is medieval. We’re on some game of thrones shit
At least you stabbed me in the front, not in the back… thanks

I don’t understand this
How long had you planned this out?

You made my heart stop with just a few drops
Now it’s a race against time
Was it the water or wine?
Some kind of poison
Can feel my blood boiling
Now I know there is no antidote for you

You made my heart stop with just a few drops
Now it’s a race against time
Was it the water or wine?
Some kind of poison
Can feel my blood boiling
And now I know there is no antidote for you
And now I know there is no antidote for you

The kids are all right, most of the time

I spend a pretty large portion of the day out in the yard, keeping a loose eye on my girl child while she plays with the neighbor kids. It’s a slow start to the party with kids mostly just showing each other things on their respective tablets. The guns are still out today but as I was telling the other moms, even though guns weren’t largley present until my paintballing years, I still participated in violent video games like Mortal Kombat and was a passionate WWF fan in my youth. We conclude that kids are psychopaths in general as another mom brought up how her niece would tell her what breed different horses were in Red Dead Redemption before killing them. That mom goes on a coffee run while the youngest kids dance around in the sprinklers for a bit. When she gets back the kids migrate into her house where the more mischievous older boys try to prank the younger kids. We check on them periodically. At one point we hear yelling from outside but it turned out that the were playing FBI.
As its Sam’s favorite game to play I theorize that perhaps his caretaker grandma watches a lot of the csi type shows. I suggest The Ballad of Buster Scruggs as a good western type watch for one of the boys to watch with his ma. It’s a good time time, but after the intermission and I’ve had my social fill we don’t rejoin everyone in the evening. Besides now I have chores to catch up on.

Discomfort

My kid and her neighbor friend are reading books on their tablets in her room when I hear a kids voice shouting FBI open up!! From my downstairs entryway. It’s Evan and another neighbor kid I’m less familiar with named Sammi , toting around their very large assault rifle looking play guns that shoot water bbs. Their looking for the little boy upstairs and the Sammi kid says to me “Tell them to come down or we’ll shoot them with real bullets!” Evans smirking behind him.
I say No sternly and whatever my face says, the kid alerts his eyes from it in a fearful manner. The kid upstairs is shouting down that he doesn’t want to play because of the guns and because they’re mean to him. I tell them that they can play upstairs if they leave the guns behind but they loose interest after that and continue to play outside with their guns the remainder of the day.

I bring the incident up to the moms later. The gun addicts mom says there’s not much she can do because he buys the guns with his own money and the other kids not hers, I mention maybe just keeping the responsibility talks going and send her off with a box of food from my pantry because my mom hauled up way too much food for us to eat by ourselves in good time.

The second half of the day was much improved with a return to the movie theater for TMNT Mutant Mayhem. I love it, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying and I remember how I got into the arts in the first place.
My kid sings three non blondes the whole way home and it feels like a naustalgic joke and revival I get to share with all the other buddies that grew up liking the same things that I did.

Wedding at Brittany Hill

My husband and I arrive at the venue about 20 minutes ahead of the ceremony start. We’re greeted by a barrage of hail hammering at the car and preventing us from running inside. It takes a few minutes but when it does clear up the most vibrant rainbow appears hanging over us and the clouds have dissipated to reveal the beautiful blues.
When we enter the venue, my husband gravitated to another co worker he spots and soon that group grows quite large as all of the grooms work buddies find each other. I’ve partied with most of them a handful of times and catch up with the other wives before the ceremony.

The wedding is held outside, overlooking a pristine view of our city and the mountains. Black and white cloth roses line the walkway. It is a very elegant display. Travis and his bride shortly follow with their walk down the aisle. To our surprise much of the talking points of the ceremony are about their recovery as addicts and how the couple found each other in that space and despite warnings about the hazards of addicts in recovery forming those kinds of relationships, they still chose to let love bloom.
We’re then released back inside for delicious snackies while the professional photos are done.
As we’re congregated with the rest of the work friends by the front entrance outside there’s a pair of butterflies getting friendly hopping from person to person, in particular they seem fond of the guy wearing a cowboy hat.
We stick around until after cake at around 9 because the big man has to work it the morning and will get lucky if he can squeeze five hours of sleep in before shift. We do the ballroom goodbye shuffle,making sure we give our friends love and thanks before making the trek home.

The Tempo is Slow

Can I admit something pessimistic
And quite frankly fatalistic?
No one comes close to stealing my heart away.
The churchgoers keep preaching about the ultimate idyllic love.
The romantics keep knocking on the doors of the suffering to say it only hurts because there is a deep joy hidden in the muscles of the heart.
This poem isn’t about you.
It’s about how Love stowed away their beautiful sweetness in other rooms
And all I had was imagination to feel its pulse in my life.
Now the secrecy is
I have grown so long without it
In bedrooms with half assed lovers
And false fair boyfriends.
I seemingly don’t need it’s divine presence.
Instead the fire of my heart churns
On the platonic
On the way you smiled
On the way she heard
And the way they danced.
Its hard to open up to anyone else
Because even an attempt to throw caution to the wind
Never brings anyone close.
So when I see friends after years of pilgrimage elsewhere
I don’t think I will be saddened by no arm to share life with.
I have always thought I was better off
And still instinctively in a small gaping crevice of my perilous thoughts
I wish someone would prove me wrong.

To Caleb

Right now everything seems to be really confusing. I don’t know if there’s a change in your feelings about me or just your surroundings. We are never meant to be but I really want us to happen. I’ve never like anyone like this as if someone’s ripping my heart out of my chest. Every love songs I hear, my mind thinks of your face, and I think I’m going crazy.

We will never happen but if you can, please make your departure out of my life painless. Make our last moments filled with happiness for tomorrow is not promised. If you are not sure about me, just know that I am always sure of you. I’ll always be proud of you, future engineer.