Category: To You

Someday I’ll meet someone who loves me for who I am, doesn’t toy with me just for fun, doesn’t abandon me the second they become bored or find someone ‘better’, and is genuinely interested in my thoughts and in sharing theirs. I have to believe that, otherwise what is the point of life.

What am I to you? I guess I’ll never know. At least I got to experience all the shitty parts of a relationship with you, and maybe there’s a personal moral victory somewhere for me to celebrate someday that I stood by for so long without even a whiff of the good parts. On second thought, it just makes me feel pathetic, but I already knew that and you still don’t care.

Our relationship ended but I never got the chance to say how much I appreciate you. I never got to thank you for every little detail you did for me and I would give everything in this world just to be able to show you how much it meant to me. Whether it was getting me gifts or walking me out to the car with an umbrella even though it was 20 feet away from your door. I insisted you didn’t but I’m so glad you did. I so glad that you showed your care and admiration better than I did. I would do anything to get the chance to care for you again, love you again, and be with you again. It’s my turn to walk you out with an umbrella.

. Been here. What can I say. Taught me so much.
Glad I came. Happy for you.
stars and winter can gather my heart into yours.
I know this has been hard to say the least. But I’m glad and I now pray I don’t return to England low spirited like before.

Really hoping. I haven’t lost you. If I have there’s a pub down the road from me from now on. 😏
I was young I must remember and say to much on that note.
For what words can’t say. I’ve ventured this time with or without you. There was only one place I couldn’t go as it would have been a waterfall upon a waterfall.

I just need to know.. do you think of me?
Send me a sign. An email. Just a work one. Anything.
I just need something that tells me you think of me.
I miss you.

Dear Anas,
I had my science exam today, and the exam paper was quite lengthy. I thought I had time to fill the answers in the sheet but turns out I was wrong, I solved the questions but I couldn’t fill the sheet completely I panicked. Got an anxiety attack, at that moment I couldn’t breathe, I thought maybe this will be the last attack I go through I would not survive this one. Unfortunately, I did. I knew that I would not score well in this exam and I tried to explain it to my parents and to be honest, I thought they’d understand. They didn’t as usual. I don’t know why I expected otherwise. And at that moment, I wanted you. I just wanted to hold your hand and just listen to your heart, beat calmly unlike me.
I wanted you so bad, I needed you and now I realise that with all the panic attacks and anxiety attacks that are yet to come I wouldn’t have you by my side, the only person in this world I ever trusted enough to open up to. I cried for hours because I am doomed without you. I miss you terribly. Please hold me. Please.
I cannot do this without you. I need you.
Yours forever
The person you once promised to love forever.

Felt the urge to remind you of some of the messed up things you’ve done to me. But why rehash what you’re just going to deny anyways. Instead I’ll say that if I’m being honest, I am definitely attracted to your brand of crazy. Probably even addicted. There’s a fire there, a passion. Add that to my own, can you even imagine? I know you’ve thought about what our sex would be like, I do too. I’m getting turned on right now just thinking about the sheer intensity, all that yearning and pent up desire.

So let’s try something new babe, why don’t you turn that fire into making this work and building something with me instead of burning everything down. We can still support each other while improving each other too.

Hey you, I was told I was special my whole life, but I’ve never felt more ordinary than I have the last couple years.

Hey you, I haven’t been touched in so long or even close I don’t even consider myself a sexual being anymore.

Hey you, I’m so scarred by rejection I don’t want to even bother putting myself anywhere outside of my family where I feel safe.

Hey you, the loneliness took a cost, a part of me I don’t think I’m ever getting back.

Or we could go more traditional.

Hey you, I’m crushing it. Things literally could not be better. I’m scoping boats and real estate. Turns out I am perfectly functional and then some without your help at all.

Hey you, you’re pretty sexy, but I have so many options. Maybe we should just fuck and I’ll change my mind and actually want you more than once.

Hey you, you’re perfect, you’ve never done anything wrong and I just want to take this moment to thank you for all the positive things you’ve added to my life.

Hey you, I need your help. Turns out I have more money than I could ever possibly spend, can you help me?

Which would you prefer?

I promised myself a while back that I would stop writing letters to those that I love, specifically you. I thought I could move on past that phase of my life, but as it turns out, I’ve never been one for change. You’re never going to read this anyway since I’m sending it to myself in a couple months, but if you were to ever read this, I think I would be completely mortified.
Disbelief passes me day by day that the boy I once loved could turn into someone so vile and crude. However, memories from this summer often eclipse over that hate so I am never truly able to say loved in the past tense as I should. My mother had gotten especially mad at me one day in July or August from how often I spoke with you, but it was also that day when we sat on facetime almost until 3 a.m. I distinctly remember feeling bare at that moment. Bare not only from loss of makeup and fashion, but bare because that was one of the first nights in months that I had truly been myself. You brought that out in me. The later it got the less we both said. But the beauty of the unspoken is precisely that. I long for the way you looked at me that night; not like I was beautiful, but that I was real. Stared, glared, and studied are all too negative a connotation for that moment. But you gazed. Like I was the every star in the universe. And to me you were the sun. Playing dumb, I asked why you had kept your eyes fixed on me. The most poetic moment we’ve ever shared was your response. A flower you said. I was a pretty flower you just couldn’t take your eyes off. And if I was made with wax rather than blood, I would have melted on the spot. But instead I smiled. Because you gave me one right back.
So no, I guess I don’t really miss you. The Cooper who creates tension, emits arrogance, and stands with the problematic. A problem causer rather than solver. A man whose ego could fill that of a thousand.
That’s not someone I ever knew.
But, once upon a time, I had met a man, who saw me bare to the bone, and still chose to try and win my hand.