Category: Thoughts

Getting to know

Sometimes people add me on Facebook from abroad. I enjoy getting an eye outside of my home territory when I get a chance because it allows me some different insight into how other people think and function.
Sometimes if it seems like a fishing scam, I’ll report the conversation.. other times I’ll find something unprecedented… like a whole string of public execution videos being talked about and praised. I watched a man with a tire hanging around his next get burned alive. It was too much, I dont know if reporting does a damn thing to the sheer quantity of violence I saw openly and in Facebook’s realm.

Most recently, a man from Bangladesh who added me from some time ago but never attempted conversation before was messaging me. His posts were well regarded in his community. Initially I used google translate to attempt basic conversation back, basic how do you dos. Perhaps I mistake that he’s asking about art stuff because so many of the ones that do find me are artists. He or they try to video call but I say no and make him a little portrait instead. He asks me how I do, so I show different art support links, but he attempts to video call again , so I end the conversation and tag it for potential suspicions. A few days later, I’m recieving a barrage of video calls again, I say no and stop but it’s like some horror movie bullshit. Hes sending calls so frequently I have a hard time accessing block from the interruption . I report it but just yesterday I got a page invite from the guy. My husband says that that sort of open friendship should probably cease , only accept invites from people I know. He doesn’t think I should delete the whole Facebook account, that’s a lot of family friend/communication storage .

Sub

One Halloween during my time working at The Breadboard I was borrowing a dominatrix costume from my girlfriend to host a party at my house. I invited more people than I expected to show up and just about all of them showed up and plus some. I sure was glad I made that 6ft sub sandwich.

This was me making a joke after a sad night my now former boyfriend came home with cigarette burns all over his arms from some other bar goer he challenged, even scarring his theater mask tattoos . I guess it was my weird way of trying to make sense or redefine a situation more humorously.

Introspective

During my late teens/ early twenties when I was dabbling in pharma culture with my metal singer/ former navy badboy boyfriend I had a lot of night terrors where I would wake up screaming. The dreams would very often be about rape or being chased, sometimes I’d wake up in a lucid state and see spiders on the wall.

In my desire to shift my focus to different spaces I latched on to mythology and folklore as an outside anchor. While I was working at Shiki’s the japanese restaurant in Cody Wyoming, I put my previous cultural knowledge to work by getting into my own artistic representation of the Jurogumo ( a spider woman that would feast on handsome young men).

Recently I revisited this theme, playing with a sketch to see how my skillset took to the task so many years later. I haven’t touched it in a few weeks but my husband was telling me how he woke up the other night swearing he was seeing spiders pouring out of the ceiling.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about….

May I have this Dance?

“Have you thought about taking a nice girl to Prom next week?’, my Mom asked as I grabbed my lunch and backpack and turned to the car. “No, I don’t think I wanna go.” “Well, that’s ok sweetie but if theres a girl you like you should ask her!” “I’m just a sophomore, I still have two years to go. Can we change the subject”. “Sure thing”, my mom said as she started the car and drove me to school on that momentous day.

Well, there actually was someone I had a crush on: you. I sat behind you in math second period. We’d never really talked before. I had lent you a pencil a few weeks before during a test when yours broke, but I doubt you remember that. Still, something just kinda drew me to you. I sat behind you all year, quietly admiring. Sometimes, you’d just move your hair or cross your legs just so, and I couldn’t say why, but it really did something to me.

Now, as I got out of Mom’s car, I had a couple hours to figure out if, and how I should ask you if you wanted to go to Prom with me. I’d seen in a million movies how girls really like big, elaborate displays, but I wasn’t going to have time for that. Maybe I could just send you a Facebook message in math, like ‘Hey, look behind you, its your Prom date!’. No, no that would be weird. We weren’t even fb friends. While our teacher droned on and on about some nonsense algebra or whatever I racked my brain about what to do. Agonizing, as I saw the minute hand of the clock march closer and closer to the end of the period. Then the bell rang, jolting me back into reality. Now or never big boy. I shot out of my chair before you could pack you backpack, nearly stumbling when I caught my foot on the back of your chair. “Hi. Do you wanna go to Prom with me?” You cracked a wry little smile. “Maybe, if you tell me what your name is.” I let out a nervous little laugh and introduced myself. I couldn’t stop smiling the rest of the day. I couldn’t believe you said yes!

As my Mom drove me to your house, my mind raced a million miles per hour. What would your parents be like? Could I execute a perfect corsage pinning in the moment of truth? Should I ask you to dance? Lol, that’s definitely a no. Were you expecting me to kiss you at the end of the night? Do I need condoms? Whats a magnum? How do you use condoms? The car stopped and Mom told me it was time. I was greeted at the door by your Mom. “Hi Mrs….” “You bring her home by 11, got it?” “Yes ma’am.” And then everything slowed down, almost like slow motion you walked into the hallway. For what seemed like a lifetime, I slowly, and gluttonously drank you in: the way your heels defined your shapely legs, the accentuation of your lovely curves, the way your pretty pink dress matched your pretty pink mouth and would make me adjust myself frequently throughout the night. I picked my jaw up off the floor to tell you how beautiful you looked. It was a little embarrassing when your mom had to help me with the corsage after I pricked you a little (Sorry!), but otherwise the night was off to a great start.

When we arrived at the dance, we took our seats at a table in the corner of the room. You had some friends there that stopped by to say hi and how good you looked, while most of my friends didn’t go. Most of the night we just talked and actually got to know each other. We talked about places we wanted to go and books we enjoyed, dreams for the future and fears of the present. It was so crazy how quickly we clicked when we’d been sitting 3 feet away from each other all year without exchanging a single word. Throughout the night, I noticed every once in a while you’d take a glimpse of your friends dancing. When a slower song came on later in the night I abruptly stood up rather formally extending my arm and asking in the worst British accent ever “Madam, may I have this dance?”. You giggled a little and took my arm. I never intended to dance at all that night, but just being with you put me at ease and gave me a newfound confidence. With my arms around your waist and your head against my chest, we slowly swayed the night away….

And I got you home on time too, your Mom was very impressed.

Gone Daddy Gone Girl

You are gone, at least the way I knew you.
You are dead.
You are gone.
You lifted my spirit higher than its ever been before.
then you left and abandonded me,
much like the little girl i was back when i was a little girl.
when my mom left and didnt come back for year.
Is that why, then,
that i keep imagining that there will come a time,
in the future,
a time when you will come back
and you will be there.
again
at last
forever more
make it right
do it right
be good to me
once again
and hopefulyl never change
never go away again.
?
is this a flashback
is this right

i think that make ssome sense, there, but
i never thought of it in that way
until just now.
but it seems to be making some kind of sense
realizations
perceptions
inner reflection.
something you can never do.
not for yourself
or anyone else
and that is to your very own detriment,
my friend.
because you are the only one you ar ehurting my holding in the hurt
the pain you feel is descending therough your body
like blood in your veins
it fills you
in every way
and alqays
and it never will, stop
and i feel for you,
i do.
i think you do know that muich.
but i akso know
that feeling for you does nothing
and will never mean anything,
to you.
so whats the point?
i cant help how i feel.
but i CAN help how i think
how i process and how i deal.
how i cope
its a tough road ahead
the past has been
and its not over yet.
not until
not until i can look at myself with the same glow i did before
when you lifted me so high
i can never see myself that way againsince tyouve gone away
and i hate you for it,
as i hate you,
for so many
so many, many other things, related
this incident struck me and stopped me in my tracks
and you just sit where you sit
and you just be you and moe on and
act like i was
NOTHING
nothing at all.
well,
now,
that is exactly
exactly
exactly how i feeel.
and i swear to God that I love you but i also just want to punch to square in the mouth.
and i hate myself.
i want to blame you for so many things,
i know it isnt right,
but i want to put it on you
maybe because i feel if i do that,
if i out it all on you,
then somehow
maybe
you can take it all away.
mayve one day
if you ever become self aware
maybe you can understand what you have done
what you have
REALLY
done to me
by coming and going
by taking me on a hot air balloon ride and then dropping me off at THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE ADVENTURE.
AND NOT FEELING A THING ABOUT IT
JUST MOVING ON AS IF I NEVER EXISTED
THEN, HWEEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP MY NAME
YOU TAKE OFFENSE AND GET ANGRY
YOU SAY i AM RUINING YOUR LIFE
I AM MAKING YOU FEEL GUILT THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN
ALL BECAUSE i was alive at one point
and now im dead
and you dont want to have anything to do with it.
you want to walk away as if i never existed .
but you made me who i was when iwa swith you
and then you took that babygirl with you
when you left
and now its just me
here
here
here
here
missing you
missing me
missing it
missing that.
and thats okay
because it doesnt make any difference anyway
anyway,
im sorry you are who you are
but i am also so happy yu are who you are
or were who you were,
rather,
but now youre not that man and im devastated
abnd you cant come back and revive the art of me that is gone
but you wouldnt even if you could
you can
you wont
the sad oart is
i would let you
at least at this poit in the journey
i still
i still feel i would
i would let you
i would let you try
and i hope one day taht you do
i hope the day comes before one of us dies
iu hope you love me again one day
i hope forever
i will not feel this way
so dissarray
so full of dismay
i sit here
and cry
and i still wonder why
and i need to know
but you wont et me go
and i cant ever grow
because only you know
and it dfoesnt kill you
sodtly
pr slowly
or at all.
not at all.
and im sorry i am who i am
that i am not more worthy of that
thatkind of love you once gave to me
i am sad
so sad
i am saddneded
and broken
and gone from who i was before
i am sorry.
i want you to be here
and make e feel
so happy again.
but i know tht will never happen
but
but i still hope that it will
that you will come back
and make it eright
like my mom did
eventually.
and im sorry
because it is so
damned
pathetic thast i am sorry.
that you hurt me this way.
that you left
me
right when i needed you most
and you promised youd stay
that you were on my side and
you wanted to be there every day
in every way
i was the light of your day
you said you wanted it all
all of me
all of it
this life
do it right
with a smile
and im a fool
oh
i am a fool.
im sorry taht i am
i
am
a
fool.
forgiving myself NOW.