Category: Thoughts

I’m so fucking sick of how rude and disrespectful everyone in my life is to me. Seriously how did I get so lucky to be surrounded by so many people that shit on me over and over again and lack even the basic self-awareness necessary to realize they are doing so. Like, yeah of course it’s ok to just ignore me or never do what you say you’re going to. Who am I to deserve even the smallest measure of fucking human decency? Go ahead, just dump all your shit on me and then pretend I don’t even exist. Selfish, ungrateful fucking people need to grow the fuck up. I am so done with everything. Can’t wait for someone to need my help so I can tell them to fuck off.

The difference between me and everyone I know who became successful, leading productive and happy lives, is they had someone by their side supporting them, and I didn’t.

I am 61, I am a veteran, I have seen third world, I have been blessed to grow up in a place and a time when my friends were just that, my friends, no color, no economic strata, I have worked very hard my whole adult life, I have a destroyed spine but press on, I have responsibilities, I hurt 27/7 and I do hate the pain and when my legs turn to stone beneath me, I smoked for 45 years, I came very close to death due to a freak intestinal issue and spent 8 days on such heavy duty pain meds in the hospital I was hallucinating and in paranoid agony, I left the hospital as a weakened shell but I don’t smoke anymore, PLEASE DON’T SMOKE OR VAPE, it ain’t cool and it will rob your life, SMOKERS DO NOT GO OUT WITH A BANG,THEY GO WITH A GASP, I have been married for almost ever, I should not have married when and why I did, sympathy or guilt for someone else’s issues are NEVER good reasons and they NEVER become good reasons, marriage is a beautiful thing but is not a guarantee to a happy fulfilling life, at 22 I thought I knew so much, at 18 I left my home to Texas for basic training, then to Homestead Fla. and then to Korea, I lived 3 lifetimes in those 4 years, I thought I was so worldly, I wasn’t, my father was a career Army officer and I now wish I had gotten to know this man, I so wish I had a chance to go back and learn from him, God I do so wish that, I think he and his brother had been molested by their parish priest back in the 20’s and 30’s, I believe he carried that enormous stone his whole life, he was an alcoholic, a functional never miss work never hurt the family always respectable alcoholic, but one all the same, he met my mom while

Used to work as a medical receptionist, a few years after she left the circus. When I was a child she’d take me into the office and would act as mail clerk for a little while, folding up odds and ends to be sent out. I enjoyed scanning over the names and getting the edges all nice and neat. I made puppets out of the office supplies. My moms boss after learning I had an interest in art, hired me to do a pastel copy of Van Gogh’s Starry Night for him. It was a kind gesture that I like to think made a positive impact.

I have trouble saying I’m not ok or that I’m sad. I thought I was getting better at it but my gf asked me how I was doing after I sounded off on the phone. I even up saying I’m alright. idk why bc I wanted to tell her so bad that I wasn’t feeling good. But I couldn’t. I’ve told her many times before that I was tired and when sje asked if I was ok she asked if I was just tired which I said no to bc like I said I wanted to tell her the truth. and tired isn’t a lie. It’s a really good way to describe it. I’m tired of waking up every morning and going to my Job that I hate and doing it almost every day. I’m tired of not being able to be care free or switch jobs bc we don’t have a car and it’s more convenient this way but im so tired. I wake up and I dread the day and I just want to go back to sleep

I just learned how to cope with it. I just sought the “right” help at a time where I was most in need. I knew deep down that if I didn’t make an effort to find somewhere new to live soon, she would try to further destroy my happiness.

I am 29 years old and broken.

A number of years back they canceled Bingo in small town here, but one of my fondest memories are nights with my grandma at the Elks lodge. I would get a Crunch bar and bar tap Coke before sitting down with our group of ladies and taking the colorful ink blotters to the game sheets.
Elsewise I recall times there with my great grandpa, mocking pool with the kids of his friends and attempting to watch Jem on the projector screen in the game room, back then there seemed to be more static with the tech. Seasons spent there seem a wholesome treat now and a structurally sound point of reference in the framework of my memories for role models.

In his eyes reflected decades of absentee love. Love never to be realized, caress of touch never to be felt, love’s glint chasing across eyes met, never to be seen, the possibility that lives intersected was purposeful and meant would be discarded. The field of sunlit flowers dies away in time, it leaves fleeting glimpses and times fog on memories. The child is grown, the dream is gone. Sadly only husks of the child’s heart remain, cold winds overwhelm the warm breezes of a hopeful man’s youth. Playful words tinged with the adoration of his youthful desire are erased, slapped from his lips by realitys cruel hand.If ever doubted, please know all is written in complete honesty and true remorse of a past life denied. That childman will be missed until he too vanishes into time’s relentless fog. I hope these innocents, tarnished by time, will rediscover this soft field and get it right in the next life.

Her name is Astrid. My daughter had a dream about adopting a little black and white kitty, so we took her to Petsmart and let her pick out a kitten. She saw Astrid and knew immediately.

We have a tall cat tree, and Astrid being the battle cat she is will instigate combat by swatting at my heels before pouncing onto the tree and flip flopping back and forth while she tries to catch my fingers. I like to distract her with the right hand while I give her pets with the left hand while she gives me the frustrated fangs stuck between the posts and the wall. It’s great.