Category: Thoughts

What was categorically a blizzard and most of it is already melted away. My partner was miraculously able to make it home in the thick of it in our little Hyundai, only getting stuck when pulling into the home lot. All this time living here and we still hadn’t invested in a snow shovel, I’m out there in my long coat trying to get the snow out from around the tires with a child’s shovel, which isn’t doing too bad but it’s still a relief when our neighbor shows up outside to help.
The next day the kids on the block are sledding on big hills made from the plows and we’re making small talk with the other parents. We make loose plan to have a dinner night at Black Sky Brewery sometime in the future while building a snowman together.

unkissed kisses
felt so real
while kissing

I am not okay, and I am finally admitting it. I am in a weird rut in my life at 29. I know I should be grateful for my health, employment, have a roof over my head (even if I still live at home with my mom). This pandemic has highlighted and exacerbated my depression and unhappiness.

Most people hear that I live at home and still get mixed reviews, but still, it bothers me. I am getting tired of nodding and acting like I am okay with it. Truth be told that I wasn’t smart with my finances, and it caught up to me. I am working on paying things off and planning. My mom has been so gracious by allowing me to stay here, and I am truly grateful.

Secondly, I am in a relationship that I am not happy in and have been in for the last 12 years. I told him before the new year that I wanted to end things, but he did not listen and acted like nothing. He has made it abundantly clear that he is never leaving me, and I don’t know what to do. I am stuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

Days go by and I’m unable to locate any explanation of what I witnessed outside of my home, but there’s an exp of numerous other reports on various other shootings that happened in town within this short window of time and stranger still a party riot over at CU Boulder where hundreds of people participated in and culminated in a few destroyed cars and trashed streets. Here I am though, still no answers on what transpired in my own area.

I’m playing team battle in my game and get shot down by PoPoKnowsBest when I notice the lights outside. My actual streets been blocked off by police cars and it stays that way for a good bit before I see them turn off the lights and officers start combing the area with flashlights. Another fifteen minutes or so pass by and I hear a series of pops nearby that sounds like gunfire and my anxiety skyrockets. I start trying to google any possible hint of what’s happening out there but it’s still too soon. I’m not sure how well I’ll sleep tonight .

I can handle anythingheart break is nothing new. Judgement is water off a duck. Want to or need to stab me in the back? pick a scar to put your knife

Doesn’t affect me doesn’t surprise me any more.

But ask me to stay sober? That for me is the true hell…
I’m an alcoholic, have been for a long time and every reason to stop has proven it’s self to be not worth the effort. If if one did come along the psychological withdrawal is enough

Is watching Requiem for a Dream with roommates who scoff at the downward spiral message and then call your boy from jail to ask him to remove the syringes taped under his dresser so his parents can collect his furniture after he destroyed his parents house while they were out of town in a very out of hand party.

Never have I ever, will I ever, could I ever fathom crossing that threshold of destruction. I guess that’s one of those assessment points where I clearly has to define the space of oh, these aren’t the people I thought they were.

Conversations I’d hear in Wyoming after someone I did not know but was connected to the group I traveled amongst OD’d.

Very quietly they’d ask each other ” do you think he knew? Was it intentional?” As if the threshold for healthy drug consumption was consistent and universally known for all of them and the only way they could have possible let themselves slip away was if it were intentional.

I’m reminded of that Puscifer song Breathe, where the chorus is quite literally a reminder to ‘don’t forget to breathe ‘ and perhaps there where moments in my relaxed state where I had to tell myself to inhale because I was so comfortable that this function that is taken for granted as autonomous eluded me. I was just lucky that my experiments didn’t take me somewhere blacker than the deepest pitch.

I knew guys who would go to people’s houses, pretending their car was broken down so that they could use the restroom and raid the medicine cabinet. I knew guys who would enter into relationships with people who had crippling disabilities.. not to provide comfort for that person but to exploit their monthly prescription for personal use and were abusive in their manipulations and the poor girl was so love hungry and guilt ridden over her own personal history that despite my best efforts I could not help her get into a healthier space. (I’m sorry Christina, when I read about your death I was shook but they frightened me too much to intercede further, especially when you yourself were unwilling)

At one point the son of a local cop, and fellow high school attendee robbed the pharmacy with a friend by climbing through the duct work. The only reason they were caught was because they wouldn’t shut up about it at parties.

I had this naive sense that the big guy I was with could protect me from the other unsavory sorts I had already experienced previously and sure maybe our home for a time was safer than others but ultimately his desire for a particular lifestyle cost us that safety and trust. I don’t blame him as I am also responsible for the peices I participated in and accepted as just natural behaviors of those I was surrounded by, I had just hoped that given his proclaimed history of trauma that we were both of the mindset to craft something better.

To escape I didn’t exactly take the path of complete sobriety but chose the process of elimination to take out those things I found most detrimental to my personal wellness.

Today I am far removed from that which was but my experiences crafted something more fearful in me about the greater state of our social climate and I hear

I just feel so broken. It’s been this way for years, as long as I can remember. But lately I really feel it. How can anyone live this long and have no one? Sure, there are people who pretend to care. But they’re all way too self-involved to even lift a finger. And it’s always been this way. It can’t be like this for everyone else. I see the pictures, smiling, happy with their significant others, their babies; their families and friends. None of them are so alone they find themselves talking to themselves out of sheer loneliness. Like I’m doing now I guess. I have these dreams where I’m surrounded by people and I’m funny and flirty and liked and wanted and then I wake up to the same nothingness I left behind when I went to sleep. Every damn day. All these thoughts racing around my head and no one to share them with. What did I do so wrong that no one wants to be a part of my life? Family, friends, potential lovers, just rejection after rejection after rejection. I have to feel like I don’t deserve this, but I must. What other answer is there? “Hey, just love yourself and drink water and everything will be better!” Says everyone who has no fucking clue what my life has been like for so long now. Why don’t you love me and drink some water with me? Oh, I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself again, time to go back to sleep. My life is so much better in that state.

Today really sucked, per usual. Nonetheless, I was off from work for the last two days on PTO. I was alone and stuck in my thoughts for the most part. I don’t have any friends, so it’s hards to really talk to anyone about what I have been feeling. I tried the therapy thing, and it did nothing for me, honestly. So sometimes, I come here and I write about you or the other person who is often on my mind.

However, today is a different day bc I realized that I need to focus more on myself. I need to regroup and figure out how to get out of my funk. I am really bored and low keep depressed. I know I shouldn’t be complaining bc I am in a much better space than most people. I have a roof over my head and I still live at home with mom. I have a great job with a solid compensation package, and I am healthy despite having COVID several months back.

Honestly speaking, I feel tired…tired of everything. Tired of worrying about everything.