Author: Anonymous

to my love

to my love
it’s been over a year now, but i’m getting tired of you bringing up your first love. i always heard people say ‘it sucks when they’re your first love but you’re not theirs’ and i never understood it until i heard her name for a year. you don’t bring her up as frequently as you did before – granted, you hardly bring her up at all now – but yesterday when you told me how much you loved me, you felt the need to say how you only ever loved one other person like you do me, and it was her. it’s been over half a decade since you last spoke to her and you only dated her for 2 months but i know you still search her up on social media and i know you think about her more than you let on. but what about me? it’s been over a year since we’ve been together – a longer and more serious relationship than you ever had with her. after over half a decade of no contact, it’s so unhealthy how you just haven’t stopped thinking about it or let it go. sure, maybe you think about it much less now, but you need to let it go and forget about her. i hate knowing that you think about her even though its been so long and it was so short lived even when you were with her, long before we met. i hate hearing about it and i hate that you think about her and i think its so unhealthy that you’re still dwelling on it years later when you have another girlfriend but i can’t tell you any of this because it’ll just hurt you or anger you, and it’ll only negatively impact our relationship. i wish you would just get help and fucking forget about her once and for all. let her go. stop stalking her on social media. stop thinking about her and stop thinking about what you had with her. i can’t deal with it anymore. i hate being second place, and i hate being second place to someone who did you dirty and who is no longer in your life, who has moved on herself and who exists only your mind now. i hate being second place to a memory. but i love you too much to tell you any of this, or to walk away.

Memorylane

Mom started reliving the event where she was stuck at JFK in conversation.
Almost out of nowhere just strange because that same morning I thought about you deeply.
Lots has changed since back when.
Listening to her stirred my own set of memories. The only time obvious you stepped out of your comfort zone. Yet it didn’t seem a bother to you at all, it felt as if this was a natural reaction. No big deal to you just showing you care. Or so you made it seem.
Putting all other circumstances around it at the time aside and other situations you failed over the years thereafter.
Your heart is beautiful if you let it and this man I had the fortune to get to know, in so many beautiful moments,
is the one I will always love!
Maybe one day, Lady Fortuna will send me one just like that to be by my side to ring out the rest of this crazy life.
If not, I’m fortunate enough to have a heart full of beautiful memories of how things could be without having to settle for less. I haven’t, I won’t.

Ms. New Booty

I had a dream about you last night. You’d gone missing and your mother was rallying a search effort. You were actually Britney Spears, but it was definitely you and definitely your mom. Specifically, there was a bunch of bad men in and around your house who your mom thought had kidnapped you. As soon as I heard the news I went to your place and took care of the bad men. But you weren’t there. A little while later you came back, you’d been off to have butt implants. Idk why you thought you needed them, I like your booty quite a bit, but that’s where you were the whole time. That was it. I’m not a psychiatrist so I don’t read into these things too much, and I have a lot of crazy dreams. But it’s gotta mean something you keep popping up in my subconscious when we haven’t seen each other in years.

Pain

Pain is what I feel. Pain so mind numbing I wish for death for it to stop. Pain as I cry for the love I lost. Pain in the knowledge that the one I loved saw no worth in me to fight for. Pain that I am here and he is there. Mind numbing pain that I was a fool. Pain that he is with another and a child they have been blessed with. Pride brimming in his very veins for the gift that the heavens have blessed him with. A baby, a beautiful baby boy. I remember my prayers of before, my lamentations for the thing I so longed for. Scared and doubtful I reached out but my fear overtook my senses sending me running away from the one whom I thought was my answer. Alas I came up wanting. What is it about me loving were I am not loved. Needing were I am not needed. Giving were nothing is given back. What is this cross I bear. None have cried for me. None have needed me. None have seen me worthg to stick around with. None have wanted to help break the walls that so ruthlessly keep me prisoner. Mind numbing pain at my failure for love. Mind numbing pain for loving that which does not love me. Mind numbing pain for seeking that which does not seek me. Mind numbing pain for needing that which does not need me. Mind numbing pain for praying for that which does not pray for me. UMind numbing pain. Is this my lot, this pain I so bear. Tears trickling down my cheeks I ask myself what is the use of life if one cannot attain that which brings life to everything, which is love. For without love all is in vain. All is for nothing. For love is life. Love is purpose. Love is grace.

#womanwalksalone