after all this time

I wish I could find the old letters I wrote about you on this site now more than 13 years ago – shit, after all this time. I wish I remembered what they said and how I felt about you. Because I did really like you and felt like every song was about you. I would drive to school and listen to all the CDs I burned. And then I think I just got scared. And we were so young, but I remember feeling like it was so deep with you. It’s like it wasn’t even about us liking each other, it was about us seeing the core of each other so easily and with grace. Which sounds crazy because we were just 16 but now I’m 28 and I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure myself out and it’s like you’ve understood me since we were kids? Before I even understood myself? The way you spoke to me and got me and were so patient with me.

Now that we’ve reconnected over the past few months, I find myself thinking about you all the time. There has been a lot that’s happened since we knew each other. Stuff that you don’t know about that has made me a person who is terrified of men. I believe that all they do is hurt and I work every day on not feeling that way. I say that I hate men but it’s really just protection. I don’t feel safe with any of them. I get tense and hostile. But when I think about you……my shoulders drop. And I’m starting to think that’s something? That counts for something? I know without a doubt in my mind that you would never hurt me, that you would care for me, that you would always be there.

I was talking to my friend about you the other day (I know, shut up). I said, “I’m worried I’m too weird for him” and she said “he already knows you’re weird”. And we laughed but that’s just it. You’ve always seen me and let me be. And I just think about that on repeat lately and I didn’t think about you for years and it all just seems so weird to me. There’s something in me that thinks I’m going to marry you. I don’t know how or when but when I think about marrying you, it’s nice. My shoulders drop. I think about how, for a person who takes care of everyone else, you choosing me to take care of you would be such an honor.

And I wonder what you think about me. If you think about me. If I’ll ever say any of this to you.

You were probably the first person I really loved. I just didn’t have the words for it at the time. After all this time, maybe things could be different.

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