My cousin Tracy

She passed away a few days ago. My mom called to deliver the news .On Facebook the pictures on my cousins page radiated beautiful smiling faces and our dearly departed elderly, the news mom delivered to me over the years regarding her had been sad to put it lightly.She struggled with addiction and alcoholism, but was a mother of a few beautiful children. My mom when last she had brought my cousin up , had said the kids had been taken away by court order and from what was describedto me, there was child endangerment involved. Sometimes I wondered why mom told me, maybe she wanted me to reach out? Or maybe she was just relieved I chose to step away from my own extreme vices.

There was a considerable age gap between me and the rest of my cousins by about ten years give or take a few, and the distance that rests in between all of us could make it challenging for keeping updated on the dailies in each others lives.

The last messages I sent to Tracy were awhile ago, I had told her that I ran into a friend of hers getting a ride to the airport, and funnily enough my husband’s friend and coworker.

I think maybe I’ll always feel like I should have gotten in touch more. Our family is just so big, it’s mostly holidays, events, and the biannual family reunions that I get the change to reconnect.
I think I would have rather liked hearing about her finding a better space of being for herself instead, I would have liked that, it would have been better for the kids.
Can’t force a person to make healthier choices for themselves, but when they’re gone the loss feels unreal, a bad joke, and resolutions that never arrived.

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