I expect more from the two of you than anyone else on earth, because I know better than anyone but yourselves what you are capable of. And I am also more forgiving with you two than anyone else I know.
What duty you owe to family has been one of the most enduring questions I have ever grappled with. After a lot of different role models, both fictional and real, I decided upon the example set by the best person I’ve ever known. Family is absolute.
I’ve told you not to look to me as a role model. That’s a cop out. At least partially. I SHOULD have been a better example. But I wasn’t. And seeing you guys following my footsteps in so many ways hurts bad because not only do I feel even more so like I failed as an example, but because I know the pain that you’re gonna feel someday as a result of bad choices I’ve already been through. I know it’s just growing up. But I wanted to spare you as much as I could. What’s been eye-opening for me, having not listened as much as I should’ve to those who tried to help me, was seeing you guys make so many of my mistakes even though I know you don’t listen to me at all. Maybe it’s just genetics. But I also accept that the version of me that was around in your formative years was not a very good role model. And thats all on me. I’ve been trying really hard the last few years to be a better person, but I fear I missed my window to positively influence you in any meaningful way.
I wish I could say all this to your faces. Instead it will never be said at all. I’ve played it out 14 million times like Dr. Strange and there has never been even one scenario where I adequately expressed my frustration and you never talked to me again. I’m a pretty bold guy, but that’s a risk I cannot take. I fly off the handle so quick. And, in the moment, I know I would say unforgivable things. I really don’t like passive-aggressive behavior, but this is the best I can do. To put my own mind a little more at ease, if nothing else. You know what they say, Patience and Faith.