You keep telling me our lives will not touch
And I’m starting to believe it.
Unlike the time my sister sat me down almost
3 years ago
And told me this herself
With worried eyes and palms extending.
And the worst part of waking up from that terrible nightmare
Was realizing that even you were imaginary.
A quiet Sunday night, light rain outside. We cook a nice salad and pasta for dinner, working together so well as a team. I wash the veggies while you cut them (cause you’re good at slicing!). While the pasta is boiling, I offer you a glass of ______, your favorite wine. We eat and drink and laugh. After dinner I take care of the dishes, which I hate, but you worked really hard this week and I just want you to relax. We finish the night cuddled up on the couch watching an animal doc. Maybe something about aquatic creatures, to match the vibe of the rain outside?
Its Day 4 of our first beach vacation together, but really time has lost all meaning for us. I insist on putting on your sunscreen for you, just to give me another chance to touch you all over. You pull out a book while I curl up next to you on the beach. I ask if you wouldn’t mind reading to me a little. You tell me that’s silly since you’re halfway through the book and I probably wouldn’t like it. But I tell you its ok, and I watch the waves come crashing towards us, the hot sand on my back, your voice in my ear, til I fall asleep for a little nap.
The year is 2048. Due to a recent promotion (Great work hunny!) you have an exciting new client: Spacificor Holdings Ltd. Your first meeting is at their offworld headquarters, and because the trip to Mars will take a few months (thanks to new advances in FTL travel) you invite me to come with you since that would be too long to be apart. Taking off was scary, but I grabbed your hand and held it tight and told you everything was going to be ok. When we left Earth’s atmosphere, we looked through the window at the blue and green orb that was the only home we’d ever known. It was so beautiful, and there’s no one I’d rather be with to see it.
Anywhere, anytime, as long as we’re together, that’s all that matters.
Dear Flash,
I’m so sorry I was not everything you needed, when you depended on me to be that. I tried – we slept so many nights on the floor in the closet, soothing away thundermonsters. We walked and trotted so many paths; you fetched as much as I could reasonably allow an old dude to run and swim. We had fun together, and I tried to keep you safe from yourself.
But I couldn’t keep you safe that day, just after we just went into lockdown, when we had to go to the vet and you – always scared, always breathless with anxiety, and aged into laryngeal paralysis – had such a hard time with the change in procedure. And when you struggled and the tech lost her grip as she was loading you back into the car, your already overworked airway got choked. We tried to calm you with every trick we had, until at last you needed to rest in the yard. The sunshine and grassy slope always made you feel better.
And still it wasn’t enough. I held you and told you your story, of a brave dog who persisted – who learned so many new things, even though he was frightened. Who came to love children even though they surprised him with their sticky fingers and sudden movements. Who cuddled with the cat who taught him how to be cool and aloof. Who loved to play games to find his toys or his treats, so he didn’t have to think about where lights blinked or shadows moved. You were the best dog. I hope you weren’t scared when you sighed at the end.
I loved you so much, and I’m sorry it wasn’t enough.
mom
Then you leave me lonely for weeks at a time.
Why?
What’s wrong with me?
Your eyes. gosh. From the first moment I saw them, I knew I was in trouble. And you were so friendly. Seemed a bit shy at first. I think “shy” is my type.
Starting a new job is scary. I don’t like being “the new girl”. I didn’t know anyone there. We had two shifts together. That’s all it took for me to fall for you. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always looked at peoples lips when they talk. The eye contact is too much. But now, because we’re wearing masks when we’re working I can’t do that. So I look at your eyes. And they make me weak. Your gaze is intense. There’s something here. I feel it. You feel it too right? So I casually flirt with you. Nothing too obvious. You flirted with me too.
You were done with your shift 30 minutes before mine. You came over and stood by me, making a list while we talked. I thought you looked a bit nervous. I thought you were going to ask me for my number. I would’ve given it to you. I asked you when you were working next. Turns out we were both working the day after but you had the morning shift and I had the afternoon one. You laughed said that it sucked because you wouldn’t have anyone to talk to during your shift.
We had an overlap of 90 minutes. I came in earlier so I could talk to you. Just you. I blowdried my hair because I think you like my hair. I got to work and couldn’t see you anywhere and I didn’t want to ask anyone about you. I’m new. I didn’t want them to know I liked you. That’s who I would become “the new girl who likes (you)”. I started my shift and thank god for the masks, no one could see how upset I was that I didn’t see you. Where were you? Our 90 minutes were running out. I wasn’t scheduled to work for the rest of the week. I didn’t know when I would see you next. I already planned out the conversation we’d have when I saw you. 60 minutes pass, I still didn’t see you anywhere. I gave up. I figured they changed your schedule and you weren’t working today. My heart sank. I wouldn’t get to see you for a while. Then just before your shift was supposed to end, I saw you. And then I saw her. You didn’t see me. You walked with her to buy something and went to pay for it. Then you left. On your way out I looked at you and you saw me. You waved and I had the quick conversation I planned out while she stood behind you. Waiting. You gave me a small laugh. And you looked uncomfortable. She smiled behind you and said bye to me. And you left. With her. I watched both of you walk to your car and drive off.
The rest of my shift went by in a blur. I couldn’t wait to get home. I felt stupid. So stupid. We never spoke about being in relationships. You were being nice and friendly to the new girl. I thought you were flirting with me too. I thought you felt something too. Did I really just imagine all of that? Did I say something that put you off? I’ve replayed all the conversations we’ve had together, every glance from across the room and every moment you looked at me and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t felt like that in the longest time. I almost forgot what that was like.
I don’t know when I’ll see you next. I don’t know how to act around you now. For my good, I need to distance myself from you. But how can I? When all I want is to look at you and I want you to look at me. With those gorgeous eyes.
There are some things that I have to express and they’re confusing. The girl I used to love (and still might just a little), how do I even begin to describe her? I met her when I was 11 or maybe even 12, an age where I was so bitter and angry that when she approached, heart on her sleeve, hands reaching out with friendship all I could do was recoil and spit venom at her. With most people, they would have seen the violence in my eyes and given me up as a lost cause but somehow you must have seen something else because you never stopped approaching me with nothing but compassion in your eyes. Sometimes I wish you would have stayed away, maybe I wouldn’t have hurt you then.
At a speed I could not have anticipated you became my best friend, not that I would have ever admitted it to myself, and I would go to you with girl problems and I never noticed that even then I was hurting you.
And then we fell in love, and that was the beginning of the end for me, everything revolved around you, I swear that it was like gravity shifted and I was caught in your orbit. I don’t know if you ever felt like I loved you less than you did me, but it’s not true.
I loved you with everything in me, in spite of everything in me. I swear it was like I was drowning, the way I loved you felt like I was always on the cusp of imploding. It was violent and my heart tore at my chest to offer itself unto you.
When we kissed my skin felt like bursting into flames and lightning charred the inside of my veins and I was lost, lost, lost in you.
I loved you so, which is why I couldn’t keep going, I burnt out, I couldn’t keep up. I made you unattainable when I already had you. But I was losing myself and I couldn’t afford to.
But the worst part, is that it wasn’t always passion and burning.
The moments I miss more are the ones where you would become unbearably human. Memories of sitting on your feet because you thought your toes would fall off. Memories of shampoo in my eyes that you would tenderly wipe away. Of gel and hairbrushes and your capable hands taming these wild curls. Of snow days spent watching movies. of handholding that would light up my soul. Of drawings that you would make of the two of us. (I wonder if you make them for him) Of gentle singing when you were focused. Of earth-shattering worship that would bring down the Kingdom. Of tight sock buns and even tighter hugs. Of front lawn conversations in the dark. Of slow dancing, of learning how to dance because I wanted you to have a partner in me. We fit, you made me feel needed in a way I craved, I was ready to give up everything for you.
Suffice to say, I miss you. Today more than others. And I’ll probably never stop loving you in some capacity, you were my first love, but I hope you aren’t my last.
I was thinking of you the other day.. Especially on the day of your birth 17th July ,a day I will never forget even tho I think that you think that I did lol .Some of my passwords are still your birth date I just never bothered to change it after all this time. 1707
I am sure you had a very happy and blessed birthday with those that you love and who loves you. You have 1 of the kindest souls I have come across in my life. A Strong woman that can overcome anything life throws at her. I really miss you sometimes, not for what but just the talks we use to have and the laughs or stupid arguments.
You are unforgettable! ❤ 1 Of The Greatest Love’s I have ever known. You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I hope you keeping safe with all that’s going on with the coronavirus and your family is doing good and well..
I will and have always Loved You. ❤
N.Carter
8/10/2020
It’s been four years now since you suddenly passed, and today feels just the same as that night when I got the call from the county coroner’s office. There is a pressure in my core that perpetually swells, filling me with anxiety and emptiness.
Things could have been better growing up. They always could have, and I harbored an unwarranted resentment towards you. But I was a kid and I didn’t fully understand everything. Even as a young adult, things took their time making sense. Once I was married and gifted you your first grandchild, things changed and the threads of healing were finally being sewn.
Then you fucking left. Heart attack they say, and you were gone before the paramedics even arrived. It may be cliche, but there was so much more that I needed from you, Dad. Namely, how to handle this crippling depression I inherited from you. Because leaving like that, yeah, it fucked me up more than normal. Despite being surrounded by my own family under my charge, I have never felt so alone. This is the fourth year in a row my wife forgot about today, and the fourth year I have to pretend like I’m okay because it’s not okay to not be okay.
I’m spiraling and can’t stop it. I love you and I miss you so damn much. I needed more time and it was stolen from me. I’ve tried releasing this anger and resentment, but I just can’t. So I bury it and forget it for a while until it decides to rise to the surface. I don’t even know who or what it is directed at. Only that it is eating ferociously at my sanity. I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I need to be where you are at all costs, wherever you may be. And some day, I’ll likely make the journey. Not just because I miss you, but because wherever you are is a hell of a lot better than this nightmarish cesspool we call Earth.
I guess now we just walk away?
You left something with me.
Another kind of weird thing I witnessed at the call center was the interpersonal relationships that would form in the short time that you could. I watched a married woman with two kids in my class bond with one of the few single men present and then slowly dismantle her home marriage in hopes he would take the bait, and he did. Our class started as a pretty friendly bunch but as they got mucked up in each other they started getting weird with the rest of us, which for the record definitely affects the group vibe.
Another older man, started out friendly enough with me but as his own long term partnership came apart started being a little bit too sweet on me, it started with wanting to read a script that he wrote and lent me an art book. it would have been fine at that had he not gotten so flirty with his verbiage and gestures and That made me really uncomfortable being very forthright about my homelife.
Other teammates I enjoyed ultimately decided the position wasn’t right for them after a bad day of verbal abuse from callers , there was a very high turnover rate for a reason and that reason is the shit was too deep to wade your way through to the rewards.
