• And if not, it can’t be helped.

    by  • August 15, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I always knew you were gravitated away from drugs for personal reasons, so I was surprised when you asked if I’d be down to eat the edibles I made together. You ate half of one, I ate 2, and I think your remaining half. I guess my tolerance was just a bit… high, hehe you

    This isn’t me.

    by  • August 15, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I just realized, I don’t like myself anymore.
    All of the things I used to like about myself,
    I replaced with the things that I don’t like about you,
    while I was trying to get you to like me.
    But now, I don’t like me.
    I don’t know who this is.
    This isn’t me anymore.

    Damn It to Hell

    by  • August 15, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I want to beg you not to leave. I wish I could! But that is not my right,nor within my willpower. We don’t talk, not really, but we do communicate with our eyes. And I can sometimes hear your brilliant mind clicking away. You have so much on your plate, and I am constrained to not add more. Thank you for being sweet and a gentleman at all times. My mind has opened up and the next step literally takes my breath away…..letting it all go again, and retrieving back into my self made protective shell. This is gonna hurt like hell, and you have no idea that I remotely feel anything like this. And I am trying so hard to not let it show! Yeah, your cool headed self got to me…..

    The other week

    by  • August 15, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I’m sitting in my car and in my minds eye? Sometimes it just feels like mental conversation with Megan, in it I’m asking her as she is a very open practitioner of the Luciferian Order if she trusts her faith to keep her safe from physical harm, and I see my friend Megan and it’s like watching a movie where she’s rolling over in an car accident but we are also together outside of the accident talking about it and it feels like playing truth or dare. I’m telling her I understand if she doesn’t actually do it though because that shits dangerous.

    Yesterday Megan posts on FB that she had come out of a rollover auto accident mostly unscathed, to attend a wedding after. In the comments her best friend Sophie calls her Her lady luck. I message her to ask her how she’s doing empotionally and whatnot. She tells me it’s all feeling pretty surreal. I invite her to a craft/ dinner later in the month but she’ll be in Norway. We agree to get together when she gets back. I tell her I love her and I’m glad shes safe.

    I mean, there’s lots of people I feel I can speak with telepathically and as I explore it more the setups become more intricate manifestations that play out into my life as I watch it bloom. She was being devout in her belief and that’s what happened there. Whoa.

    I needed you sooner and I need you now.

    by  • August 14, 2017 • 0 Comments

    JF,

    We liked each other in high school. You waited until I had moved out of town to make a move. I told you my ex and I are breaking up, in hopes that you would understand. You didn’t. We had a fiery few hours a year ago, and then the distance again.

    I saw you the other night with your new girl. I can tell you don’t like her, not only by the look of exasperation on your face when she shows any sign of affection to you (as a territorial display), and when her back was turned I saw the look of love, adoration, and pain on your face. I know you still feel for me. I understand why you’ve got the new girl though. I live in another state from you, and now I’m married.

    But, JW, I’ll be frank. When the loneliness in my own relationship hits me hard as I face yet another loveless night, I go to the special place in my mind where you and I are together. I feel your hands in my hair, your lips on mine, and your body pressed against me before we bring to a head this star-crossed affair. Sometimes I just think of the loving expression on your face while your girlfriend was looking the other way and I feel butterflies again.

    And then I wake up. I’ve wasted my life. I got married to a man who thinks affection is sitting in the same room together, and then had children that wouldn’t mind if I fell off a cliff. I am young, yet I feel so old. I wish I had said something sooner. I wish I had told you how I felt about you so long ago, and I wish that I hadn’t wasted my fucking life.

    I’m so glad you’ll never read this.

    Figuring out what everyone else already knows.

    by  • August 14, 2017 • 0 Comments

    I spent the best years of my life trying to make your life better. Once I did, you left me for a younger, prettier, more fucked up version of myself. You never told me in so many words, but now that I’m out in the world I realize what it is that you find so unappealing about me.

    Real independence is ugly on a woman.

    I can gain or lose some weight, change my hair, get a tattoo, wear a dress, do my nails, wax, shave and pluck every hair from my body that isn’t on top of my head… but I can’t change how bad I look when I don’t need you.

    Apparently it wasn’t enough that I loved you. That I wanted you.

    Now I’m too old to be cute, and my life is just too put together for anyone to #saveme. I’m not looking for a hero or sugar daddy. I just want good sex, weird food, travel adventures, and good conversation. Unfortunately, today’s maybes are tomorrow’s disappointments. Interest gives way to the next swipe. Everything is possible, so nothing ever moves forward. I’m just one possibility in a sea of connections. If you just keep looking there might be something better…

    I’m just now figuring this out. All this shit that everyone else seems to know. And even so, my desire to force back the truth and bury myself under purposeful naivety is strong. Because MAYBE I’m not the only lost one. Maybe someone else out there will see me and not see the ugly veil of independence that so many mistake for unyielding strength. For the record, I cry all the fucking time. I’m just not going to let them see it. Not if they’re just going to leave anyway.