• Pdro Luke

    by  • April 23, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I’m sorry for the way things ended. I acted like I didn’t care but I cried for days after you left. I wanted you to know, I just didnt know how to let him down. I had told him but with injury he had, he acted like I didn’t say anything. He tried to break

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    Conflicted

    by  • April 23, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I miss you. It’s taken me awhile to come to this conclusion. To realize I am hurting for you. I’ve been filling my time and my bed with distractions. Keeping my mind from wondering to you. But today you hit me. I remembered you so unexpectedly, and it all came back. And suddenly nothing seems

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    Modern

    by  • April 23, 2014 • 1 Comment

    Modern is a very ugly word.

    All I see are tall building, run down apartments, homes cramped together.

    I see these ugly thick gray slabs known as roads, where kids are hit and left to die on, and drivers revving their sickly metal beasts, uncaring.

    The food I eat doesn’t resemble Nature. It clogs my heart, it makes me weak.

    Suits and ties, celebrity glitter: No more Sinatra who went to the common club to sing his tunes. No more gatherings of people to enjoy music without the need to get wasted or laid.

    Grow up, go to college, get a job, and work. Be quick about it, because there’s very little opportunity left. It’s all about standards now: opportunity is the past, son. It’s the past.

    I can’t even have a moment to breathe and get my head together. It’s one thing after another.

    No newspapers, just internet where the light burns your eyes from hours spent, or rakes out the devil in you because your face isn’t visible.

    Kids are growing up so fast. No. Slow down, kids. You don’t know what you’re doing. You’re letting your youth go. Slow down. You don’t have to grow up yet.

    You don’t have to act like an adult. Slow down. Be respectful. Be kind. Don’t spend it on illicit lovers or sole dedication to a thick textbook. Spend it on the world, what you can see on the four corners and the people you may meet.

    I feel terrible for you, son.

    You won’t get a chance to taste real food, unprocessed.

    You won’t get to sit down by the fireside every night listening to verbal stories from your grandfather or mother.

    You won’t get to find kindness as often because of cold metal devices. You won’t meet as many people as you might have in the past.

    You’ll think your life is together because you have a small house cramped in the neighborhood in a city that never turns out the lights for the stars to come out at night.

    And maybe it’s fine for you.

    But you’ll never see the stars at their brightest. You’ll never know the myriad smell of pines, or the dew that sticks to the leaves of a meadow.

    You’ll be unable to understand that there are different ways to happiness than the modern standard.

    You’ll realize that you’re devoid of opportunity and that even a diploma can’t guarantee a job you’ll love.

    You’ll witness more death than I will.

    You’ll witness people glorifying death more than I will.

    You’ll realize the government no longer listens to it’s citizens.

    You’ll never have those freshly baked muffins or pies unless a papa and mama shop chances in the city.

    I wish I could have given you more, son.

    I wish the things from the olden days were still here for you.

    Love dove

    by  • April 22, 2014 • 1 Comment

    You know, I love you so much
    From the smell of your hair to the feelin of your touch
    I wish we could always just be together.
    But no one knows about us, they’ll probably never.
    I wish you needed me as much as I need you
    I want this to last forever. I wish you did too
    Constantly getting the response of I don’t care
    Leaving you is impossible. I wouldn’t even dare
    People always ask me where’s the one place you wish you could go
    But they never ask me who I’d go “to” it would be you so
    You’re the one place I find peace, they say out of sight then out of mind
    I feel you stay with me so I don’t cry, oh you’re too kind
    I always feel like a burden. You just want to have fun
    I’d stay in on any weekend. I love you a ton.
    My best friend and my love dove. the feelings plain as can see
    I want to tell you this so much. But for now I’ll let it be.

    Saying Goodbye and Letting You Go

    by  • April 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Lying in bed with my eyes closed thinking of you and wondering if you’re thinking of me too. Curiosity fills my mind; wondering what would have been, how you’ve been, and what you’re doing now. You were so many firsts to me, imagining you not in my life seems unimaginable, though unfortunately true.

    You were my first love, my first, the first man to ever treat me like a princess. My best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my confidante, my everything. My future, our future, seemed so certain. The world was a few shades brighter everyday with you in my life. I was brighter, happier, sure of myself, and who I wanted to be. A school teacher, a sister, a daughter, but most importantly I wanted to be yours forever.

    Now when I hear your name I feel a pang of pain in my heart. When I see photos of us and how happy we looked I wonder where we went astray and what I did wrong. The glass rose you gave me is inside a box with all of the other items you gave me. I have wished so many days that it was real so that it could die like we did and I wouldn’t be reminded of what used to be. I wish I could throw it away like you did to us and our memories, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I want to break it like you broke my heart but I can’t because that would mean I was actually giving up on us and the possibility that you may change your mind and come back to me like you did before.

    I want to be over you more than anything. Over wanting to be with you but the memories are still there. It pains me to think that I thought we were so happy and so perfect together, yet you weren’t. You said I knew you better than anyone so how did I not see that you were miserable inside. I feel as though I failed you as a friend and a girlfriend. I keep telling myself that I could have done something to make things better or make us work. That would have only prolonged what was bound to happen; life and you telling me we weren’t meant to be.

    You made me so happy and I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone to make me feel like that again and that scares the hell out of me. While I’m glad I got experience how amazing truly being in love is at least once, now I don’t want to ever be without it. I don’t want to live life without that feeling of happiness and that love high every day. I feel empty inside and like a part of me is missing. While I’m sure I’ll find other people to fill the hole you left in my heart and temporarily it will subdue the feelings I have for you, I worry it will never be the same as what we had and won’t be enough to make me truly quit missing you.

    I feel as though I didn’t even know who you were, who I am, and where to go from here. I’m doubting everything in my life. It’s crazy that you leaving me has done this to me. I never could have imagined you leaving me and even now I still can’t. I keep hoping I’m dreaming but the ache in my heart and the tears I keep crying prove that I’m not. I dream that you’re still here with me and that we’re still together and its almost as good as the real thing but waking up and knowing it was all a dream makes it even worse, because then I miss you more. I can’t believe that one person could do this to me and I hope I never have to feel this way again. I honestly don’t think that my heart could handle it and I would rather die than have to feel this way again.

    I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, nor do I need you to. I just need someone, somewhere to see it. I wrote this journal entry 2 years ago about you and I can’t stop looking at it, nor can I stop crying every time I read it. I have nightmares about you and how much you hurt me for weeks after I see you, until the next time I see you. I can’t keep living this way. I’m happy now. I have the most amazing boyfriend who treats me better than you ever did. He makes me feel like the most special girl in the entire world. I have amazing friends who love me more than you ever could. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. So I just need to make you and this journal entry disappear. What I’m really saying is I need to finally let you go. I’ll always have a special place for you in my heart and I will always love you but I have to say goodbye. For good. I wish you best and hopefully you’ve found the happiness that I have.

    Love
    Me

    I am Not Her

    by  • April 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    My boyfriend and I met in the freshman dorms the first few days of college and he broke up with his ex (not for me, they had been having problems for months) two weeks into the year and we began dating two weeks later. We’ve been dating nearly six months. Yet he still acts like we’re not serious? His Facebook says he’s SINGLE. While I don’t want us to be Facebook official, it does bother me that he says he’s single. In the beginning it was more understandable, like, okay it’s been two weeks since you broke up with your girlfriend of almost three years, and at first he didn’t want her knowing I exist, but then she found out about two months. Okay so now she knows, which means other people can know, right? Apparently that’s not the case. He still can’t admit to people that he’s moved on. YOU WEREN’T MARRIED OKAY it was a high school relationship and most high school relationships don’t work out. What did you expect? Yeah at one point you did think you would spend the rest of your life with this girl. But she turned out to not be the right girl for you. Why are you so hesitant to get more serious with me? What about me is holding you back? What will it take for you to be fully engaged in this relationship? Why am I put on the back-burner? “I’m going out with the guys. I’m playing video games. You’re going to bed? Wait an hour for me to finish my video games and then I’ll join you. Mom first. Gym first. School first.” When was the last time we went on a date? It’s been almost six months and you STILL CAN’T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME? I know you do. Everyone knows you do. You’re so sweet, so why won’t you say it? What will it take? You act like I’m the perfect girl for you, but there’s always something more important and at the same time there is not “I love you”, rarely introducing me to your friends, no evidence of my mere existence on your social media, and I haven’t even met your lovely mother yet. I get that you were close with her, but really, mom? Your son has been in a happy relationship for six months and you don’t want to meet the girl because you’re afraid of getting close and having it not work out again? Of course I can’t get as close with you as she did because this isn’t high school. We live three hours away. It’s simply not possible for me to spend as much time with you as she did but can you at least give me a chance to show you I’m a good person and I care about your son more than anything and I care about being even a small part of your family? You spent major holidays with her and even took her to Mexico with you, twice. You also hung out with her, like a lot. Will I ever be a part of your family? Will we have to become freaking engaged for you to accept me as his? Will you even accept me then? I have never had issues with moms liking me before. In fact they all loved me. You seem like such a nice and loving lady from what I hear, and then you refuse to meet me. It just hurts. I know in your culture divorce has a stigma and is a really big deal. But your son didn’t divorce. He wasn’t married. It was his first high school relationship! Please just give me a chance. I feel like our relationship can’t go much further from here if we don’t make some changes. We’ll just forever be the couple that doesn’t go on dates, doesn’t say I love you, and doesn’t grow with each other’s families. This is the first time I’ve actually seen potential in a relationship but how can there be potential when one party refuses to advance the relationship? I don’t know how I can even talk with him about this.

    Dear Mom and Dad,

    by  • April 22, 2014 • 1 Comment

    Dear Mom and Dad,

    No I am not mad at you for getting a divorce. I’m 23 years old and I’ve known this day was coming since one morning when I was 13. Do either of you remember the day I’m talking about? It was a cold snowy morning. It was a school day, and I was waiting for Dad to get home from work to take me to school. Dad you pulled in the driveway, and then came inside to make sure I was ready. I don’t know what started the fight, but all of a sudden you two were screaming at the top of your lungs. Dad you told me to wait in the car, but I couldn’t move once I got outside. I just stood by the car listening to you two scream inside. I couldn’t focus at all during school that day. I had to go talk to the guidance counselor or somebody I don’t remember who, and all I could do was worry and try not to cry. From that day on you two tried to keep the family close, but you knew that the marriage was dead and so did I. I’m sure I probably knew before then, but that day sealed it in my mind. The only reason you two waited this long was because brother three of three is graduating next month. You should have waited until after to announce this decision, but you didn’t, and now I have to be in the middle of this shit trying to keep any family ties together. Anyways, that’s not why I’m upset at you two. I’m upset at both of you, but for different reasons. Dad, you just had to tell me you were seeing someone else. That’s not the first reason I’m upset with you, that’s just the biggest. First off, how dare you tell me two weeks before Christmas that you are going to tell mom you are going to file for divorce. Why in the hell tell your oldest son about your plans at all? Just simply file for divorce and tell me after. That’s not what you did though was it? So I had to sit here three hours from home for two weeks knowing that I had to pretend everything was ok the week I was home for Christmas. Then while I was home you threw the giant curve ball that nearly knocked me off my feet. You were seeing someone. The fact that you were seeing someone didn’t upset me. It wasn’t a reaction of a little boy. I wasn’t upset that daddy wasn’t with mommy. It was the fact that you didn’t even have divorce papers filed yet. There was no ink to be dry and you were with someone else. Then you had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to meet her. Hell no I don’t want to meet her. Here I am trying to make sure my younger brothers are ok and you want me to me some chick you found? No way in hell. If you had met her sometime after everything was finalized I would have met her in a heartbeat. I would have been happy you were finding some joy. That’s not what happened, you found someone online while you were in the same house as your wife. Now I know damn well the divorce was going to happen. I knew this was inevitable, and that you had been miserable for years, but show some respect. I love you no matter what, but you have been an ass since this whole process started. Now mother dearest. You have a lot of growing up to do. I understand how difficult it was raising three children. I understand the added difficulty in the raising of two children with certain disabilities. I also understand that the four men in the house did not help out enough. I was never home, dad was never home, and the boys were boys. You have every right to be upset that the house was always a total mess, and that we didn’t do enough at home. That being said though you are no fucking saint. Some of your decisions over the years, and your fucking stubbornness have not made lives easier. First off, go ahead and be mad at dad for not helping around the house, but know that since you weren’t always working there wouldn’t be a fucking house to help around in if it wasn’t for his income. Now I respect you greatly for deciding to go back to school and get your 4 year degree. That being said, you did this at a time when things were at their tightest financially, and you got a fucking degree in a subject with hardly any jobs in the area. You successfully went back to school, and have a degree and have not done one fucking thing with it. You were offered a very nice job at the college right after graduation. It wasn’t a job in your field, but it was perfect for starting out and making some money. You didn’t take it though, because you don’t like cubicles. I don’t like cubicles either, but starting out the money would have solved so many of our financial problems. Also, I get that you want to be free and go out and do things and explore, but you can’t afford it and you have a family that comes first. I’m not saying you don’t deserve a vacation, but you can’t have a traveling lifestyle. You decided to get married and be a mom, so don’t live your life trying to make up for past mistakes. Let the past go. You have let go of some things from your twenties, but you haven’t let go of your immaturity. Now mom and dad, both of you have reasons for being mad at the other. Years of built up anger and frustration will soon be over, but you both have things to work on for this family. Dad you will have to work in order to keep a relationship with my brothers. They are not happy with your decisions of late. It’s not the divorce, it’s what’s going on outside of it. You will also have to eventually stop trying to be my friend, and start being my Dad. Mom, you are going to have to grow up, and this is when you are going to have to do it. You are no longer going to be able to depend on Dad for financial stability. You are one of the lucky people in this world with a degree. You worked hard and achieved something I hope one day I will have. Now is the time to stop doing what you want to do, and starting doing what you need to do. I love you both, no matter what. I just hope you love yourselves, and start becoming who you were meant to be, if you aren’t already them.

    Damn you’re good!

    by  • April 22, 2014 • 3 Comments

    Dear Kept in the dark,

    He’s a keeper because you don’t know what he said about you. You don’t know the endless shit talk and scam he ran. You don’t know how he tried to triangulate the situation. You don’t know how he said all the disgusting things he said. God only knows the shit he said about me in the past. I’m pretty damn sure he cheated on me too. Oh and he admitted he was a narc BTW. Let’s see what other shit did he run past me? Oh yeah, that you weren’t attractive, smelled, and were fat. Oh yeah, and that he was desperate when you met on the dating website because your profile picture looked way better than you in real life. Hmm, what else did I wish I never knew? Oh yeah, that he was sick of you pressuring him and you trapped him. Cliche right? Hmm. Don’t even get me started on the pics he asked for and what he tried to get me to believe. Oh yes. Sick bastard. Said you were bpd or a narcissist. Oh he blamed so much on you. If I was anything like him, I’d be a selfish bitch and hurt him with this info. But he knew I would never do that. You are innocent and don’t deserve any of this. I’m not fucking evil like him. I feel bad knowing all of this. I feel like I was a party to it even though I didn’t know the real truth until recently. He was a real pussy bitch about it all too. I had to find all this out because motherfucker never admitted Jack shit! Here’s a tip. You’d better keep your job because he needs money. You’d better keep yourself in shape because otherwise he’ll degrade you to any chick he finds more “arousing” than you and that includes porn. He can be quite attentive right? Well he said he had to manufacture those feelings for you. Sick right? Yes he used the words manufacture. Last but not least, his ace in the hole is guilt. And crazy making. He can make you feel like a princess right? And then pull the fucking rug right out from under you when you least expect it. Unless he has come clean with this, like I did btw, unfortunately everything is suspect. You just might realize one day you never knew him at all. And isn’t that scary? The most twisted thing of all is someone else will always be at fault. It will never be him to admit he played both sides. I’ll be known as the crazy delusional ex and you’ll be known as the insecure delusional GF. I wish you luck even though you are living blissfully in the dark. Thankfully I am no longer blind as I was for so many years. I can guarantee you he will never understand the pain he has caused. He will never understand nor care about anything that doesn’t benefit him. On the rare occasion he “acts” sorry it’s only because he doesn’t like feeling badly about himself. It has nothing to do with your actual feelings. It’s all about him. I could go on and on. And I have. I’m ashamed actually at how much energy I’ve expended on this mistake. But I guess that’s what happens when someone you trust mindfucks you.

    *note to anyone reading this- yes I know I was stupid for believing. I know.