I’m not over you, but I don’t feel so obsessed, so desirous of your attention. The yearning for you that was so loud it was palpable day and night has died down to a negligible background hum.
It has been nice, but at the same time I miss it. I don’t miss the lows of obsessing about when you will contact me, feeling paranoid as to whether I’ve said anything to upset you and make you ignore me, but I am missing the buzz I used to get when you would turn your full attention to me – that high of feeling like I am special to you, a key player in your life.
I don’t want you to become just another face in the crowd, but I’m guessing that’s the way it may have to be, because I think that’s probably who I am to you – a somebody rather than a Somebody – and continuing to conduct our relationship as if I am more important to you than I am is just delusional on my part.
The fact that I feel sad but resigned at this realization instead of desperately tortured tells me that I’ve turned a corner.
But still, I hope that you will chase me around that corner and tell me that I’m mistaken and that I mean more to you than I think I do
You won’t, though. Even if you value me more than I realize, you’ll likely let me slip away and a year or two from now will wonder what happened to me, and assume that I am happy doing whatever it is I’m doing, getting on with my own life just fine without your company, as I did before we met.
That’s just the way you are.
Your unassuming nature is what I fell in love with about you, and now it’s what bugs me about you the most. It probably serves me right as that’s how I interact with most people myself. I bet you’ll never believe that, because you’re one of the few people who have been privy to my intense side; I knew that with you I needed to show every side of me, rather than just the ones I let everyone else see.
I’m still not sure why, exactly, but it was important to do so.
Maybe it was all for me. Maybe I was looking for permission to love myself, and I could only do that through you, and that’s why I have clung to you so tightly. I hope that’s not the case, but I have to admit that it’s a possibility. And if it is true then I’m sorry, because I have not been loving you for who you are, but for who I am able to be when I have your attention.
From now on I promise to love you exactly as you are, take you as you come, even if in doing so it feels to me as if we’re losing some of the depth of our friendship. I think that will be the best and healthiest thing for both of us. Let’s see how that goes.