I want to play with him so bad. So very bad. Yet I’m not, because of you. You little confusing fuck. Why do I bother listening to you? I am my own being and you are your own being. We are separated in very distinct worlds. You are kind. While I am not. I constantly
We’ve had our talks, and many are yet to be had. I’ve been thinking a lot. April will come soon and that’s when your first year in college ends. We’ve been over a year strong and have had our ups and downs. I think we both know what comes in April other than the obvious. You’ll move back home and even though you’re only a walk away I’ll rarely see you. I’m not good enough for your family and we both know it. Even if I am good enough for you, it’s not enough. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. After you move back home I figure you’ll be living there for the rest of your schooling years. Realistically we won’t be staying together. Your family dislikes me, you have to focus on school and that has always come first. Earlier on I knew it wouldn’t work out. I’m struggling right now with the option of ending it now or waiting for when it naturally comes. You’d never expect it now. Things are so great right now and I wish it would never end. I love you so much.
Dear head and heart,
How many times do I have to let other people break my heart and mess with my head until I learn? Learn not to open up or let people in.
I’m 19 and I’ve got a heart that welcomes everyone and anyone. I like to think of myself as kind and friendly with a couple rough edges but the more I try to love, the rougher those edges get.
My flaws include:
Things that for most people, lead to a happy life but for me only cause pain and heartache. At what point do I give up on hope and stop listening to the comments like ‘you’ll find someone’ and ‘you deserve better’. There is only so many times you can get cheated on or messed about before all those hard edges surround you and at 19, I should not be fast approaching that point. I may. It be the only one but being disregarded repeatedly is the loneliest feeling there is. I’m a giver, making others happy gives me joy so why is it that nobody ever gives back to me? Maybe they look at me and think ‘she is happy enough’ but it’s all a mask. The joy I feel is only ever temporary because I’ve never had someone care enough to try and smooth out the rough edges surrounding my heart or help create order to the mess in my head.
All people do is take and I have not much more to give without losing myself and all that I value. I don’t want to become heartless all I want is to be loved as much a a hear will allow.
Is that too much?