• It’ll always be you

    by  • August 28, 2015 • 0 Comments

    The dream of you and I seem endlessly elusive and I’d like to think I’ve made my peace with that. Or maybe I haven’t if somewhere deep down inside me is still hoping we could be a possibility one day.

    Am I crazy and stupid and naive to still have hope when you’re halfway across the world from me?

    Every moment with you felt like a movie and whenever you held me, kissed me, whenever I was with you, I knew that there was no where else I wanted to be and everything else in the world was irrelevant. You and me, just you and me, was always more than enough for me.

    Now here I am, 3 years later, and your stupid face and smile that I love so much is still tattooed to my head and heart. I don’t like to admit it, but I’m crazy about you and no one, I mean no one, is ever going to compare to you.

    I know there is someone else out there for me and I know I deserve that. But sweetie, I would give anything in the world to one day find out that the person I’ve been waiting for is you. I would give anything to hear that you’ve been waiting for me too.

    Babe, it’s always going to be you. You have my heart and soul.

    allergic to “impossible”

    by  • August 28, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Perhaps you are right. It’s just… I’ve experienced so many situations in my life where people told me what was impossible. I had coaches who should have inspired and supported me, but the best thing they could do was spreading doubts and finding mistakes in my upcoming ideas. I also didn’t ask for much help, because I always thought I had to do everything on my own and I was convinced that no one could give me the support I needed. So I think I contributed to this situation and made it much harder for myself.

    I lost a lot on my way. I got weak and lazy and I fell into depression I’ve not fully recovered from till this day. I didn’t give up and I finished the “impossible”, but I don’t feel proud of what I’ve accomplished. It took far too long and it was much too hard to feel happy about it. If it were only about the outcome, I would say it was a major mistake.

    On the other hand, when I put myself back in time I still feel that it was the best of choices I could have made considering the sea of mistake options I was swimming in. And I also feel some kind of satisfaction that came along with the knowledge that I’ve acquired in the process. I’m convinced that, if I’d do it again, I’d do it much faster. Just because of the simple fact that I know now what I didn’t really believe then. The “impossible” was possible.

    I’ve learned that you don’t have to invent everything on your own and that it only makes sense in a few areas that really matter to you. I’ve learned that it were my own insecurities and fears of failure that were holding me back. I don’t think that my instincts were completely wrong. I still wouldn’t fully trust my supporters I had back then – they had far too many fears on their own – but I would be more faithful that there are people out there who could help me. I think I should have invested more time in trying to find them and shouldn’t have taken the criticism I got from “my supporters” so seriously.

    Hey…

    by  • August 28, 2015 • 0 Comments

    You make me want to be the best person I can possibly be.

    Thank you.

    I love you.

    If we were ever on a date, I’d want everything to be perfect.

    I’d smell good, you’d smell good. I’d look handsome, you’d look beautiful. Everything would be clean, romantic, and pretty classy.

    Also, if we were to have our first date, I’d obviously buy you flowers, I’d open every door possible for you, and I’d buy you a nice dinner.

    I’d do anything to be with you, anything to make you happy and I think you know that.

    I love you M.

    Always.

    – A

    Dear God

    by  • August 28, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Dear God,

    Remember when I was suffering from depression and I turned to you because I was too afraid to ask anyone else for help? And then do you remember when I wrote a poem about you expressing my teenage self “wondering if you just didn’t care or if you weren’t even there”? I remember it so very clearly.

    I remember that I called you my lifeboat when I was drowning in this overwhelming darkness that suddenly appeared in my life. I remember begging to you to “help me” and “make me feel like a person again.” I remember whispering to you at midnight how afraid I was to tell my mother what was going on inside my head while my pillow became wet with my tears.

    I remember analyzing the Bible for anything that could explain why I was being punished. I must have committed some pretty hefty sins. It was my fault, right?

    I remember the guilt I felt for wanting to die when I was just a stupid teenager in pain while others would kill for the life I had. I remember reaching out my arms to the ceiling to ask for you to hold my hands. No hands reached back.

    I remember when my pain mingled with my new found anger that I had been begging for you to help me for the past year and nothing had changed. I resented you. I pushed you away. My guilt disappeared but my pain still lingered.

    I remember four years later, my pain still hidden from those around me, I worked up the courage to ask my mother to save me. I went to the doctor. She told me that “all teenagers feel this way” and that I will “get over it.” I remember the hopelessness I felt that day.

    Now I’m seventeen. I thought it would go away by now, but it hasn’t. And I don’t know what to do. But I’ll never turn back to you.

    – Mickey

    Unfinished Business

    by  • August 28, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Not seeing you for almost 10 years didn’t seem so bad. But then you came to my town and I took it as a sign. Of all the places you could have gone you ended up 5 minutes away from my new home and this could be the last time I would ever see you again. So I answered your message and I saw you..for maybe 20 minutes. I wish I had stayed away. Opening that door again regardless of how small just makes the unfinished business we already had that much more complicated. We talked while you were here yet only got to see each other for such a short amount of time. It was like a tease and it’s so fucking frustrating. You went back home and we haven’t talked since. Not a day has gone by since I found out you were here that I haven’t thought of you or wanted to talk to you and just finish whatever it is between us so I can move on. Everything I wanted to ask you when I saw you in person couldn’t be brought up in such a short period of time. So you go back to your wife and I stay here with my boyfriend and act like everything is fine. Maybe in another 7 years I will be almost over it again.

    I wonder…

    by  • August 27, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Do you seriously not have my number saved?

    I hope you never deleted my number on your phone because I’ve never deleted yours when I had your number.

    Seeing your name in my address book always made me happy.

    I wish a lot of the things between us were different and I wish we could change how things are right now.

    I love you.

    Always.

    <3