• Day Off

    by  • April 26, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Everyone Deserves a Day Off Dear anyone who has worked for something, Every day seems to be like a pattern, get up and go to school, then to tennis practice, then work, and finally homework. I feel like it’s Friday when Monday has not even started, so many times I want to just give up

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    For X

    by  • April 26, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Dear X I’m very emotional these days and I miss you a lot. I dont think there has ever been anyone else you in my life. I failed to tell you this when I still had the chance but you are the only person I’ve met who could reassure me, made me feel safe when

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    You

    by  • April 26, 2015 • 0 Comments

    Dear You,

    It’s Sunday morning. The sun is shining through the window and it woke me up early. After this long winter it feels nice to be woken up naturally by the sun. I have a lot of work to do today, but that’s alright. I wish more than anything that we could snuggle for a little bit and have some coffee in bed. Not talking or on our phones or watching TV. Just being close. Then we can go to church and spend the afternoon in a coffee shop working, but still together. That would be a perfect Sunday.

    I wish I knew who you were or if you will ever be a part of my life. Everyone else has one, I can’t help but wonder what it’s like.

    One Screwed Up Kid

    by  • April 25, 2015 • 1 Comment

    Mom and Dad,
    I sit here not fully knowing what I want to tell you. Throughout my therapist appointments, I have been able to see that many (if not all) of my current psychological and emotional problems were caused by your divorce.

    You divorced when I was four. I’m sure you were worried about me and my brother. I’m also sure that people consoled you, saying, “Don’t worry, they won’t remember this” and “they’re just kids; they’ll adjust.” Oh, how wrong everyone was. Time did not heal all wounds. Time only made them worse.

    You did your best, I know that. You both remarried. You have a good relationship with each other. There is no fighting, no legal issues. That doesn’t mean that, 16 years after your divorce, I am perfectly fine.

    I have abandonment issues. I assume that every argument will end in a break up in friendships and relationships. I have a low self esteem and an even lower sense of self worth. I think I’m annoying, needy, and that I am the reason people are upset. I panic if I think that someone is mad at me. I am underdeveloped emotionally. My need for a family has led me to engage in unprotected sex in the hopes of getting pregnant (which didn’t work). While my fellow students are dreaming of graduate school and career success, I dream of an intact family. I dream of being a wife, a mother. There is nothing I want more in life than to have a family of my own.

    I can almost hear you say, “But you have a family right here.” You see, that’s where you’re wrong. I am twenty years old, and I have never once felt like I belonged anywhere. I don’t fully belong with my dad and step mom, and I don’t fully belong with mom and step dad. I was forced to split my holidays in half for you both, in your insistence that you both spend time with me on those special days. While you were so concerned about seeing me, you never took into consideration that perhaps all this chaos would negatively effect me. Today, I cringe when I think of holidays. Of being forced to spend time with a family that I don’t quite fully belong to.

    While I don’t remember your divorce, my inner child still does. Those feelings of abandonment, confusion, guilt, fear, and loneliness have stayed buried deep inside only to emerge halfway through college. I don’t blame you. You couldn’t have known. Sometimes I just wish I could tell you.

    I wish..

    by  • April 25, 2015 • 4 Comments

    I had been the one you married…

    I think..

    we would have been so fucking perfect together…

    I hate..

    pretending you mean nothing to me…

    I hurt..

    when I think about it…

    I want..

    closure.

    For C

    by  • April 25, 2015 • 0 Comments

    I’m still laughing at your believing that I was going to let you drive up here, and that I was going to hand you money. You’re an idiot, if you think that I don’t know what’s going on. And btw, is this some of your moving writing on here? It sounds like something goofy you would write. “Butthole”…seriously? That you would think that would provoke arousal in someone, proves to me that your secret lover, must not have much class, or intelligence. And he doesn’t. Ex-con times….? But now that both of you’ve spent time in the pen, you can swap stories.

    I’ve news for you; YOU AIN’T ALL THAT. And his teeth are so yellow, that the traffic slows on the highway, when he smiles at you. You’re digging yourself deeper and deeper, and this time, I won’t be there to bail you out-literally, or figuratively. I’m done. T can listen to your BS from now on.

    AJO

    Whatever For?

    by  • April 25, 2015 • 1 Comment

    37,

    It’s been awhile since we saw each other, 18 months or so. For about 6 months or so, I didn’t think of you at all. Out of sight, out of mind. Circumstances had me so pissed off all that time ago, I was glad to see the back of everyone.

    Now I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s absurd that you occupy my thoughts as much as you did two years ago. Whatever for? I clearly wasn’t in yours.

    I think I love you.

    That realisation is more devastating to me than that day 18 months ago.

    I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do now.

    29

    Just The Start, Sweetheart

    by  • April 25, 2015 • 0 Comments

    You know before you go to sleep, scenarios that you imagine to happen. Or, in other words, your greatest, most passionate desire. Well, that conversation we had? I dreamt of that. Thought about it. I never thought that it would actually happen. But it did. I wanted to start getting closer to you and I knew I had I to start somewhere because the times that we talked were getting less and less often. Everyone loves you, but no one more then me. You are adored by many, but no one more then me. I don’t know if you know anyone who would die and suffer for you, but just let me tell you, that person is me. We talked for about forty minutes. The longest amount of time that we’ve talked. I know that it made people jealous. I know that people were confused. But I put caution to the wind and hinted at things just like I’d imagined a million times in my head. I didn’t want to give you too much information because we were around other people, and I wanted to have you wanting to talk to me more. We hugged twice that night. We talked for that long. My whole class. Your whole class. I was so distracted and completely intoxicated after that. You know that dizzy warm tingly feeling you might feel when you are nervous? Imagine that, but an exhilarating, finally happy and nervous and content but at the same time shaking. That was me. Five days ago. I thought for sure that we would talk again very soon, because it was left open, for sure. The whole point was for me to talk to you again. My birthday was three days later. And I was going to see you that day. Something in the air was very, very wrong. If the feel was a smell, the smoke alarm would’ve went off. Instantly I felt in a bad mood. But it’s all just a game, right? What does any of it matter? So I brought myself to come up to you, and you hugged me and briefly said some crap. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t that. I didn’t expect you to act overjoyed and congratulate me and act all hyper and weird about it being my birthday, because it isn’t you. I just instantly felt sad because it made me realize more that if I wante to continue telling you about me, I have to initiate it. And because of my stupid feelings, and my assumptions, and me over thinking, I talked to one of my friends. For awhile. And it only made me more sad because I talked about you, which was probably a mistake. I didn’t, would never, admit my true feelings about you but I just felt so hurt and vulnerable that I talked about Wednesday how you only paid attention to her and acted like I was invisible and you said that you saw people get jealous when me and her talked for all that time. Worst of all, I went home feeling like crying my eyes out. Which is unusual for me. But I couldn’t. I had to spend the night with my family. And I will admit, the night with them was pretty good. When I didn’t think of you. Which was never. Which IS never. I’m so done and I’m so sick of people being outspoken with you or with anyone and they have it right because who cares and what does it even matter? Take risks! Talk to who you love. Talk to who you want. I’m going to make you see the goddamn best of me, and compared to me, they will look stupid. I just love you so much. And I know I’m making progress, but as me, I like things coming easy for me. It hurts me, to my gut, deep inside, to feel this way. I just feel like I’m in an ocean. One minute the water is so clear and everything is bright and I see exactly where I’m going. And bam, there’s a tsunami and storm and darkness and murkiness and I just want to let myself drown in it because I can’t see anyway. I’m throwing caution to the wind, I’m throwing logic to the wind. I’m throwing your idea of me and everyone else’s to hell. Everyone is about to see the best, most powerfully faked parts of me. Especially you. Everyone is going to just get more jealous of my relationship with you because it’s already began. Think it’s bad now? Well this is just the fucking start, sweetheart.