Don’t mistake the title because I am talking to you regardless if you like being called something different.
Let’s take it back a few years….Remember when you were obsessed with my best friend? Remember bugging the shit out of me to get me to talk to her for you? Remember when me and you were actually civil to each other?
I never really understood why you all the sudden hated me after you and my best friend starting dating. I took it as you just being a psycho possessive jealous girlfriend but even then I tried to be nice to you because regardless of you, me and my best friend were still best friends.
Now let’s kick it up a notch. Remember when me and my other best friend were planning a fun day and your girlfriend (my other best friend) called and asked me to come pick her up? Remember when I did you came out of your apartment pointing a gun at my gas tank and telling my other best friend to stay behind you?
I told one to get in my car and she did and your girlfriend took off running away from your apartment while I drove away. Did it ever occur to you that you are fucking psychotic?
Let me close by saying this….you have no idea how much I wanted to beat the absolute shit out of you. Not for myself. For all the fucking people you act like a bitch to. Why couldn’t you come out of your house and fight me? I was right there! Waiting! Instead you get your mom to call my best friend to try and convince her not to go to the police. You are weak as fuck. I then learned that the gun you pulled on me was unloaded. You have no idea how bad I wanted to drive back to your apartment and beat the shit out of you. Instead I went to the police station.
Later I learned you were involved in a murder. Doesn’t even surprise me. That poor guy. When I heard all the details all the anger boiled up and I was ready to beat your ass all over again.
I hope prison taught you something. I hope you change. But most of all I hope you know that I will never call you by your nickname again because when it comes down to it…..you don’t scrapp you pull unloaded guns and talk shit.
I no longer hate you…I pray for you!
We were friends for 10+ years. I invited you to my wedding.. but you didn’t give me a gift.. you sat there saying “This is our anniversary my boyfriend is getting us a room!!! Nothing out of the blue.. a relationship lasting a year or under coming before us..
Forget E&T radio.. Fuck you.
I was here for you for 15 years. You were never there for me.
Sucks I still care for you.
Waking up with a bad conscience. Before I know why I think of you. Your hatred has become my daily reason for self hatred. Not that I would have loved myself so much without your “help”.
I’m sorry for not doing what I could and in some way contributing to why you left. I hope your life is well, I look to your past guidance to be my future. I would do anything to get you back in my life and say the things I never said. No matter the context. I fear yet don’t that what little understanding of emotion I hold that what I feel looking back now and in those moments, I felt in love and happy. You’ve heard my I don’t want to marry or have kids speech. My stance on contact and affection, but for you I would have changed it all. You were my exceptions and my riffs to stability. When things went wrong you were they, when things were right you were there. I’m sorry I sucked at giving that back to you. You always told me if you could give me one thing it would be confidence, I want you to know that you did. You bring a smile to my face, I don’t and could never hold spite to you. I’d change my whole life for you. For everything you gave me and could give me. Thank you for it all. Thank you for everything and letting me be there for you when you saw fit. I still check in hopes that you’ll pop up and start our cycle up. I’m probably a spec in the past for you, you’ll never come back. With those thoughts thank you for it all. My two years of bliss and going through it all with me and not eluding much of yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder, you needed what you gave me for yourself, but you wouldn’t accept me when I try to gave it to you. Thank you, I hope your dreams are coming true and that our paths cross again and lead to recogizition
It’s been a bit more than a year since you told me you could not talk to me anymore. I told you about my growing feelings because I, too, needed things to end. But I need to know: were we friends? Did we have a connection? I feel crazy when I’m reminded of you. The swiftness with which you cut me off was remarkable. Made me feel like hammered shit but again, it was the desired and predicted result. I sometimes wish we could be chat buddies again…
What was that you said?
I couldn’t quite hear you over the noise of this website.
How long have you been here, I wonder? It’s hard to imagine you stalking me on the net just to read my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Hopefully you understand why I write here. Our conversations never really go anywhere and everything ia still left up in the air when it is all said and done. No resolutions.
This intrusion of privacy is insulting, but well deserved I suppose.
The truth is that I fear you and the damage you could cause if I truely let you. It would be so easy. I don’t trust you, because I somewhat don’t trust myself I guess. A realization that has taken me too long to understand. Even finding you here begs the question I must ask myself: Were you here stalking me? Or were you here for someone else? Or is it really you?
Until we speak about this in person, face to face, I will not be, can never be sure.
All of that aside, I want to trust you with all that I am. But I can’t. I wonder if I am even capable of trust anymore? I prefer to be smart, and keep myself safe. So I guess I make up false images in my brain and fall in love with them. They are safer. There, in my fantasy, I can love freely and be loved by anyone I so choose. I just have to be careful. It is easier at times to portray these images onto real people. This convinces me that I am in love with these people.
How psychotic am I? I am so afraid of true love that I have made myself crazy running from it.
I guess I need help.
I am sorry.
I love you.