Joker

Put on a happy face.

That’s all I can do anymore. There’s no room for showing emotion apart from the ones that make you happy. During every interaction with you, I roll up my sleeves to conceal my heart because you can’t handle the truths that swirl within it. Out of sight and out of mind — as long as I appear perpetually content, there must be nothing wrong, right?

I’ve become the Joker, but you were never my Harley. I waste away beneath the shadow of your dark knight, unable to be my true self because of the way my depression affects you.

So let’s bow to the queen, put on a grin from ear to twisted ear, and see what sort of mask I must don today. I get the privilege of being your anti-depressant, suppressing all that I feel every day to make sure you survive the night. You don’t need to know about the interest in self-harm, the demented daydreams, or the suicidal inclinations, because of course I can’t act on any of it without collateral damage. A sense of unconscious blackmail, so to speak.

I’ll just wither away internally — silently — as my insanity continues to build. This conversation with you has become so trite with repetition. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Except I’m not sure I ever expected a different result from you.

Oh well, back to my perfect life.

Getting Signs, I think…I am super optimistic

Hi there,
For as long as I can remember, I have always wondered if the possibility of getting married and having a family would ever happen for me. Lately, I feel that possibility is very much in my favor. This pandemic has allowed me to take the time and truly reflect on what is important and what I want. Usually, when I write here, I post about you or you.

Today, however, that will be different. I feel different too. I feel optimistic and spiritually connected to the signs I have been getting. Signs you have introduced to me to the spiritual and god-like messages from Pastor Michael Todd on his ideologies around relationship goals. You have also introduced me to randomly viewing Chachi Gonzales’ youtube channel and really looking “what healthy relationships” and being loved correctly looks like. It was genuine, heartfelt, and made me feel very excited when it’s my turn. Now I know for anyone reading this, may say…well that’s youtube and social media. That’s not real life. However, it was enough to get me to change my mood and look forward to the future.

For a long time, I was concerned with finding the right one and having a family. Spiritually you told me that I have to work on myself first to obtain all the things I want. I finally understand.

I am ready to receive the messages and reach the trajectory I meant for. I am ready to put everything into action.

to me

I know you love me,
There is always a way to receive love like we have never received before no matter circumstances.
Are you willing to ride the wave or you are keeping self sabotaging yourself hiding in a cave
not speaking your truth?
Will you ever be ready to receive ? When?
When do you start seeing you are perfect and you are worthy of love
Worthy of receiving love first but foremost from yourself.
When will you see how beautiful you are
When will you love yourself
When will you respect yourself
When will you get obsessed with healing yourself
you are the only one who can Pick up your broken pieces and glue them together
paint them with colours of art, music, hope, joy, bliss, peace, respect,
then dance sing listen music run jump swimm, splash your wings and fly
There is never a better time than now.
Your heart will sabotage you until you speak your truth
until you express your truth
until you create it and share it ,
until you serve it on a silver plate
and Spread it with love.
Once you know how to love yourself unconditionally
Once you will accept yourself unconditionally
You will vibrate with Love and unconditional love will find you.

Ice Queen

Fell into my well of tears,
Bubbling to the top was an
Assortment of fears.
Tangled up in my bluish stare
You opened up wounds
That inflicted pain everywhere.

Thoughts drool down my cheeks
Memories clash the cymbals
You can’t hear me speak.
Anger amounts in a rubbish pile
As I wince from it all,
you give off a devilish smile.

Your heart might me bright
and three times
The size to those you love
But it coils as a viper to strangers,
ready to strike from above.

You are pathetic
when you are so blatantly mean
Nothing is beautiful
about your face
when you are an evil Ice Queen.

Fell into my well of tears had you
And mocked pity with a false care,
Nothing lovely grows
from you indifferent glare.

Stop pretending,
its a farce just as cruel
As your throne,
The only reason you’re in office
Is because of your sly tone.

I’ll never vote you in to the kingdom
Of the kind,
never understand your banter
And its tomfoolery design.
You might think I am being harsh
But I am tired of your blows
There’s no place for you here,
so off you go.

This is different

When it comes to you, everything I have done so far has been the exact opposite of what I want to do. Every signal I have thrown, every time I have turned my head or passed you by, every word I have said to you, none of it was ever what I truly wanted. And if given another chance, I would blow that, too. I have tried many times to write how I feel. I wrote one lengthy letter to you years ago and even that ended in obscurity to where the letter, true and nice as it was, didn’t really express how I felt about you. Every time I try to write about it, I can’t think straight. I can’t get it out. I clam up even when I am all alone with just my thoughts. Even the thought of you makes me nervous but not in the sense that I am intimidated by you. I can’t explain it so I don’t even try. But nothing I have done has matched up with how I feel and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. This is the most I have allowed myself to ever even get into it and even this is vague af. I can’t help it.

Outdoor daydreams

I see my own eyes in the reflection in the pond and my first thought is that I wish I could see yours again. I feel the light breeze on my skin and wish it were you touching me, lifting my skirt just enough and gently moving my hair out of my face. I think of how hearing your voice would be a perfect complement to the peaceful sounds of nature. I am jealous of the birds working together to make a nest and prepare their little ones for life – how many times have I wished to do that with you?

I have always found peace and belonging in nature; now I think I find that in you.