Let me bite you.Read more →
I don’t decide quickly, unless it’s exactly what I want. This doesn’t happen often. The good thing is that I usually don’t have regrets afterwards, because I knew what I was doing. This case is different. I don’t know what to think of it, don’t know how to process it. Confusion is an understatement.
and used to see almost every day was fun and weird and quirky and loved me
She used to be the girl I could talk to about anything and I could be weird had not be judged, and she would even go along with it
But now that person is gone because she’s too worried about the future to realize what we could have right now
Now she gets annoyed with me
Now she doesn’t care
I just wish I could have her back, the one I fell in love with
Because what I have right now is nothing like that girl. She’s paranoid, angry, and sad all the time.
Where do I begin. I want to make this work. I want this to be fixed. We were not supposed to end like this. Not this soon, not this way, not over something so trivial. I want you to get yourself figured out, as you said you wanted to. But I want to be there for that. I really do. You’re “unsure” of your love for me, when in all seriousness, you act like you love me without even saying it. What’s so scary about verbalizing it? Why is this the reason you “need space”? I’m so confused. We were doing so well. You weren’t even getting distant like others have in the past when they pull this cop-out reason for a breakup. I don’t even think it is a cop-out for you. I think you actually believe you’re “unsure” of what love even means. I want to be able to form coherent thoughts when we finally talk again next week, but I get worked up and nervous every time I think about this conversation, and how it might possibly be our last. I really thought you were the one. I don’t know who’s to blame, or if it’s just some cosmic screw up that we ended the way we did. I love you, and I want the best for you. You’re my best friend. That’s what I miss the most. I wanted to call you and tell you I finally went on my first jog after my knee surgery, or I finished out my online statistics class with an A, because I know those are things about my life you would want to know, and things I want to share with you. Sure, I miss all the cute, cuddly, couply things that we once shared, but I miss your friendship the most. That’s what meant the whole world to me. I want to hear about how work was today, or how excited you are for the upcoming school year, or how much of a wonderful time you had catching up with your high school friends. I can’t believe that this is where we are now. I took for granted all those silly puns you made, all of those “Did YOU know….?” random facts you were full of, the moments when you would explain some complicated science theory and sound so smart, and so excited to prove a point. I miss that. I miss your laugh, your smile, the way I’d catch you looking over at me when you thought I wouldn’t notice. How could you possibly convince yourself this “might not be love”? Look at us! What we had was so big, and something much bigger than either of us ever have felt before. I know I “did nothing wrong,” but I want to fix this to make it work again. What we have is special, and nothing you could possibly say could convince me to throw it away. If you need time to think, so be it. I’ll be here waiting until you figure it out. I’m here for you, and to make you happy. And that is exactly what I’ll do. I’m tired of the chest pains from the heartache, I’m tired of feeling absolutely breathless when I think about you, tired of that sucker punch to the heart whenever I hear your name, or stumble across a memory of you. I love you, and I will do my absolute best to prove it to you if you’ll give us a chance again.
Why do you ignore me? I thought we were friends, and when I see you in person I still think we are – but any attempt to talk to you by Facebook or text is ignored, and my pride will only allow me to make so many attempts before giving up. It also won’t allow me to ask in person, because it sounds self-centered and presumptuous and silly. You turn down every invitation I give you to come and join some group activity, yet when we’re in a group together we always gravitate towards each other and have wonderful conversations. You very deliberately chose to come sit down by me on Sunday night, even though you were closer to all the empty seats on the other end of the table once you’d gotten your food. But then I try to message you tonight, and I get nothing, even though you’ve been online all day.
Do you know? Do you suspect? I would never do anything to hurt him, especially since he’s said he trusts both of us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love to just be around you and talk to you. Would you really deprive me of that, when you know I’d never take it any further? Or is it because you do want to take it further and refuse to put yourself too much in the way of temptation? Because I can respect that, although it hurts a lot and I refuse to believe your self-control is so poor that you wouldn’t be able to withstand simple friendship.
I miss you. I miss talking to you about silly, stupid things, and I hate that I have to wait until I happen to see you to get to talk to you at all. I’m greedy, maybe, but I want proper friendship, not this intense acquaintanceship that flares up at meetings but dies between. And as much as I keep telling myself I don’t want to push things because of how much it would hurt him, part of me wishes you’d let yourself be tempted even a little.
It is so hard to tell you this. After all i’ve given to you i can’t fully believe i’m giving up. But i’m to the point where i can’t even bring myself to care anymore.
You have cheated and lied and i have forgiven you time after time.
I finally see that i can do this on my own and being happy means being without you.
And while i will miss you so bad i won’t miss what you have put me through. I will miss the person i thought was my best friend and my husband, but i won’t miss how you have made me feel.
I am finally at peace.
I know what I’ve done wrong.
I know how much I’ve f***ed up.
I know that you would never ever forgive me if you found out.
But I like him. A lot…
He makes me feel things that you don’t. He’s made me face my fears. He pushes me to go to my limits.
He’s got this infectious smile.
He’s amazing in bed.
He kisses me and I’m immediately calmer, less anxious.
I get butterflies when he texts me.
He does these adorable things. Like writing our initials in a heart, on the windshield of my car.
On the other hand:
My boyfriend, I know he’s the one I’m supposed to marry one day.
Something about him just makes sense.
I know he loves me, and I love him.
I have two of the most amazing men in my life right now.
I wish things were different between us,
I wish you could love me like I love you and not just in a friend way.
I wish you didn’t love the one who has your heart but that’s life and sometimes life sucks.
See to me you are my soulmate but to you… Well I guess I don’t know what I mean to you apart from being your bestfriend and you loving me dearly in a friend way.
maybe you will read this maybe you won’t but just incase you do happen to stumble upon this letter I want you to know that I’m here writing this to you because I guess I’ll never have the guts to send it to you.
(CATT) I hope you remember what that means? Well you are the one that said it in the first place..
Anyhow if u read this just know that I love you so so much, so much more than you will ever truly know I always will.
I hope I get to see u soon I really miss you.
It’s so inane, yet so common and normal. I want you to contact me and tell me that everything, really, is ok.
I was waiting for you to say, “thanks for being there for me and giving so much of yourself”, “thanks for staying classy”, “thanks for being honest” “thanks for listening to me rant”, “sorry that I spent an hour on the phone with other people when you were there to visit me”. “Thanks for understanding my pain”.
After all of that, what I didn’t want to hear was, “why don’t you wear more make up, you never dress up for me”. “You’ve gotten too comfortable”. “I only said those things to be nice, I didn’t really mean it”. “Why do we have to talk about work”? “We can occasionally have a beer together”…
I know that you gave me compliments out loud when I did something that you liked or admired, but it was like you were approving/surprised of my behavior as if I were an animal who did something right. I wasn’t doing ANYTHING to get any compliments, my self esteem was not that low. Maybe yours was…
Ok and so now that I’ve re-read, and remembered how I felt when you said those things, FRIEND, I ask myself why should I want to be in contact with you, because MAYBE you’re out there for status and a bit more glamour than I can provide. Yet there was something deeper and fluid between us, I felt it and I KNOW you did.
Yes I am angry about it. Yes, it would be great if you understood and actually held value enough, and had the balls to want to turn around and realize these things. But I think it’s easier for you to keep going. It’s easier for you not to look back, I get it. I never thought you were a bad person, I wanted to accept you for being merely human. I’m not perfect either but the truth is, we would have been GREAT once your hurt was demolished. I felt it, but you wanted a lot. I should be relieved that this tug of war is over…
Will I be better off without you?
But would I still accept you if you reached out?
Not a chance…