So much has been through.
I don’t want to talk about it. after some weeks of rage, I start to feel lonely again. But I am not as weak as before. And I have stopped hoping for help or understanding.
Well. At least now nobody gives me black faces.
I just hope I can get some good rest.
I hope I can make myself happy.
We lay in the dark,
Cause We’ve got nothing to say.
Just the beating of hearts,
Like two drums in the grey.
I don’t know what We’re doing,
I don’t know what We’ve done.
But the fire is coming,
So I think We should run.
I’ve been married for almost two years now.. I love my wife more than anyone… But recently I was messaged by an old girlfriend who I was crazy in love with just wanting me to know she was happy for me (That’s all she said). We haven’t spoken for at least 4 years after she left for a guy on the east coast. I don’t think it means anything significant, but my head is all mixed up now.. I can’t stop thinking about the past and, you know, all that stuff..
I need some help.. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I could always talk to my wife, but I know it won’t come out right and I might hurt her feelings or something. This girl is a poison.. I just wish she left me alone. I just want my head right again.
Can anyone give me some advice?
I love you, miss you and every day that passes, I lose more and more hope that I will ever see or hear from you again.
My head tells me to forget you, and find somebody else, you probably have by now, but my heart cannot.
What to do… ?
Happy birthday you worthless lying whore. Although you deserve the worst I can’t bring myself to want it for you. Enjoy another birthday with yet another douche who treats you like you deserve while those of us who really did love you and wanted to make you happy are alone and can no longer trust anyone even if we did find the right person. Have fun with the only asshole you’ve actually been loyal to questioning every Happy Bday text, call and FB post/message you get and pretending to be sweet and loving until it eats at him a couple of days and he pulls the same crap he always does. It’s only fitting that you have someone who suspicious and accusing you of cheating all the time when you aren’t, after all the people who you cheated on then told everyone they were “checking” up on you and accusing you of cheating rather than admit that you were cheating on them. I guess if you tell the same lie enough it will come true. And that’s the crap you call love. No wonder you are almost 40 and still can’t find a “good man”. What really blows my mind is that you make excuses for him doing it. Every time he says he will stop you go along with it even though a couple of weeks and sometimes a couple of days later it happens all over again. You lie to cover it and make excuses when someone does it, but when people aren’t doing it and are trusting, loving and believe in you you lie to everyone and say they are doing those things. Your “friends” and family after years are still living with the lie that I didn’t trust you and was holding your past against you. All the times you’ve supposedly changed you’ve never bothered to tell them the truth. Now that someone is actually doing it you lie and tell them he’s not, even though he puts it out there for the world to see. Do you really think everyone is as dumb as you? Happy F**cking birthday. Enjoy whatever is good and happy about it, because you know the misery is coming again right after.
I feel a hatred growing within me, all directed towards you. And I can’t stop it. I hate the things I used to love about you and about the way you are with me. I hate texting, because it’s disconnected and pointless. I hate texting you, because you have nothing to say.. I hate calling you, because I have nothing to say and you don’t try. I hate trying to make plans with you because you’re flighty, unpredictable, forgetful and disrespectful. I hate when everything is my decision. Even breaking up, because you can’t see how broken our relationship already is. One more year, you say, and we can move out. Because you don’t want to struggle. But really you don’t want to work. You don’t want to try. At anything. Our relationship, life, school, a job. Too much work. I hate that I blame this all on you. I know I’m guilty, too. I hate the person I’ve become, because I lack the friends I used to love and the hobbies that kept me sane. I hate the person I’ve become with you, because I lack the sexuality that only recently flourished and the happiness I once felt radiate through my body. I hate the person this relationship has shaped me into; someone who pushes others away and doesn’t remember how to make or have friendships. I hate this toxicity. I hate that I once loved it. I hate that my biggest fear at 20 years old is dying alone. I hate feeling that without you I will die alone, even though I know it’s not true.
I love you, I loved you. But now I hate you. And I hate you more everyday. I want to marry you, but is it out of perceived desperation? I’m too young. I’m too old. I want to go, I need to stay. I hate you. I hate myself for hating you.