I don’t know how to feel right now. It’s a long story. I have a young son and am pregnant with my second. My fiancé is the father of both children. He has issues stemming from childhood and his previous relationship; they were married a few months and she cheated on him.
He shuts down all the time. Ignores me. calls me names. Leaves me. Lets me do everything for our son. He doesn’t work right now, and I am a stay at home mother. I get up with our son every single day. His dad has never been up with him. He can wake up at 12pm and thinks that is ok. I bring him coffee every single morning, and never get it back because I don’t get to wake up whenever I want. I’ve stressed to him a lot of times that I could do with some help. Or more sleep. I’m growing another baby and it can get exhausting. It would be different if he was working, but he’s not. If we need to go out, he gets up 10 minutes before we have to leave the house. Puts on some clothes and deodorant. That’s it. His personal hygiene is bad. He showers once a week if i’m lucky. Never ever washes his hands. Brushes his teeth maybe three times a year, if that. The last time he did it was over 6 months ago.
He’s depressed with not working and having no money etc. He’s got plenty of experience and qualifications but nowhere is paying decent. I suffered from post-natal depression after the birth of our son. I still did everything. I came home from hospital the day after giving birth and I still cooked dinner that night. He complains when I go to bed too early. He complains that I don’t watch much tv.
He complains about the food that I cook. I mainly do convenience food because it’s cheaper, quicker and I hate cooking. He has never cooked a meal for me in the 2.5 years we have been together. He gets jealous over people I follow on social media. To the point where I unfollow. To the point where I deleted facebook over a year ago.
I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m not the girl I used to be and that hurts. I love our son and this unborn baby more than anything, and I know I would be able to do it on my own. I pretty much do anyway. I worry about money, but don’t we all? I worry what would happen if I left him. He told me he would kill himself if I did because he has NOBODY ELSE (this is true) or would have literally nowhere to go but stay in his car.
He has told me numerous times that he doesn’t trust me (I cheated on my ex, who cheated on me at least twice). He said he thinks I am a serial cheat and even accused me of sleeping with an old classmate a few months ago. He’s also told me that I am the reason he has nothing. He had two dogs when I met him and I was left to feed them and get up at 7am with them every morning when I was pregnant with our son and needed my sleep. I was left to vacuum up after them. When our son was born, he gave the bigger dog to his friend and saw her a lot. I couldn’t handle her (and a newborn). She was far too big and excitable for me. I couldn’t look after two dogs and a newborn. We kept the smaller dog and I still looked after him and the newborn. This dog was put to sleep last year due to cancer slowly killing him. Now I’m told that it’s my fault that he has nothing.
He woke up this morning and was pissed off with me. I asked why and he said ‘because in my dream, you flirted with another guy so I slapped you across the face and left you’. I was taken aback by this.
I can’t handle it anymore. The accusations, the arguments, the gaslighting, leaving me, the ignoring. All of it. I’m made to feel selfish if I have an opinion. I feel worthless, useless.
First time I’ve felt spark from a woman s touch in a long time. I came in with my hair down, letting it dey after a shower. It was almost dry when you walked up behind me and said ” man you smell good!” You ran your fingers through my hair at that moment. Me being new I thought you were going to be a co worker. Come to find out you a are a customer. You came in the next day and asked how I was doing after you asked what perfume I wore. I said I was doing great and ready for a busy day. Little did you know my heart was pumping hard. I went to the restroom and had to compose. I hope you sit in someone else’s section. For some reason you make me nervous. Your eyes pierce. I’m just not ready for anything if that’s what your aiming at. Tammy told me you liked women and had told her you liked my ass. That was the first day we had met. Maybe that’s why I get nervous? I will have to say you are quite the looker. I’m just not ready.
To: The Looker
From: Your Waitress
Maybe someday we can catch a movie!
Long long ago you told me you felt it, and since then you have told me and you have shown me that you still do. I wasn’t sure way way back then, I remember feeling like I was melting into you while driving around but I thought the emotion and the resulting actions was from drinking/smoking too much and I just thought it was so cute when you told me what you felt. But in recent years, the feeling was felt first, even before the memory returned. I’m pretty sure we both feel the same thing when it happens, like when you stood beside me at the table or when you walked behind me at the bar.. I feel you there, and I always know why you get in that space
I wish you didn’t give yourself up to another woman like you did
You claim not to have had any feelings for her but i know you. You did. You only said you didn’t because you wanted to ease my pain.
You didn’t ease the pain. Telling half truths is equal to telling full lies. So you chose to lie.
I have had sleepless nights for over a year now. I cannot get thoughts of you waking up in the middle of the night just to chat to her. I cannot get over how you claimed you were out with the boys but i know you were with her.
I never tell you but i see her every now and then and I’m forced to relive pain over and over.
I was naive when I chose to stay. I wanted to prove i could win you and i did.
Today i crashed from all the pain i have been carrying over the last couple of years. I crashed because my mind and body could no longer carry the pain.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and it hurts deeply
I ready to let you go now. I cannot wake up and look at the man who broke into pieces one more time. I cannot continue to look at a man who broke my trust
I love you. I really do. But I cannot forgive you if i haven’t forgiven myself. For accepting all pain you have given me. For staying and taking it.
You are free now. Actually NO I AM FREE.
Goodbye to the man who used to be the love of my kife.
I’m sorry for the suffering I have caused to all of you, and I regret the suffering that’s happened to me, whether it was from you or from me. From the chicken or the egg.
I hope you can move on. I hope I can move on.
I need you.
I have always hated myself, but I’d never tell any of you that.
I hate myself for so many reasons. It makes me feel sick to think positively of myself knowing how much wrong and sin I am responsible for.
Well, thought I should give you an update on my life. Realized that, after cutting me out of your life completely, you’d really have no clue whats going on with me now would you?
So yeah, I basically moved. I quit my job. Maybe Ill come back, maybe not. Dont see alot of reason too. Doesnt matter whether I lived in the same city as you or halfway across the world, you still wouldnt be a part of my life. I know it would require you actually considering my feelings and treating them as valid to understand this, but I havent been happy living there for a long time, but thats where you were, and so I stayed. And I like it here, I like the life I have. Surrounded by family and just normal people. Noone emotionally abuses me or makes me feel like shit here. People here, they actually remember about my goddamned birthday unlike you ever have.
I dont know I guess I just thought you should know. You know, your whole plan of me stalking you at your home or workplace and sweeping you off you feet, remember how I told you that would never happen because its fucking creepy and I dont feel like making myself any more vulnerable to you when you wont even respond positively to one goddamned effort Ive ever made to reconnect, yeah well maybe you will believe me now.
In the meantime, you do you I guess. I mean clearly you were too busy to wish me a fucking happy birthday, so Im sure youll do fine without me just like you have BY YOUR CHOICE for the last almost 4 years now. Maybe you can go explore your sexuality some more, thats always a fun time, no?
In the meantime, I will try to figure out how I could have ever fallen for such a genuinely self-centered person, utterly incapable of even acknowledging my entitlement to my own fucking feelings. Someday, your spell on me will be broken, and I’ll remember what it feels like when someone actually cares about you and doesnt just keep your around to control and for amusement.