My dear, I’ve been thinking about you over the last two weeks. I’ve been traveling in Kansas and TN. I’m finally sitting down to write to you after having been away from home. I’m writing to you, because I need to ask for your forgiveness. I realized why you left me and I don’t blame
Time flows widening the gap Its difficult to hold your hand Circumstances not conducive Test of patience always to give To just leave is the feeling The helplessness is frustrating Yet the love is so overwhelming Just can’t run away caught waiting…
It took some time but you got what you wanted, I moved on with out you. The only way I know this now is, I don’t care anymore about what happened or about you in any way shape or form. Nor do I think I ever will again.
This indifference towards you; someone who I really did love once, is not a victory for me. Nor do I consider it a defeat. It’s what happens when you give up on someone who wasn’t worth your time in the first place and knowing that turning your back and walking away was the right choice.
I know you’re not sorry and you have no regrets and frankly neither do I.
The light shines ahead of me, and I follow
Darkness falls behind me, and I continue on
My heart pumps blood through my veins, as I declare the color of my aura
Red, I shout into the void
The void that is you
My feet trudge through the mud on the ground, looking clean but I feel the real matter of it
My heart stops time and time again, refusing to stay stopped
My head plays a whistling wind, into the distance
It speaks a name, a name I have been following for so long
Lights flash in all directions,
North, east, south, west, all directions, birds flying back and forth
Black crows land at my feet
Ravens fly above my head
As soon as I look, they disappear
As soon as I try to prove the darkness, light surrounds it
The tunnel is long and full of terrors
You are in every corner, anchored to your own
My spirit spills into the air and turns to black smoke, just like the others who found themselves in the turning tunnel of souls
But mine turns to red fire, and lights everything ablaze
It is short lived and small, but still unheard of
The tunnel of lost souls has seen my spark, if only for a moment
And it shall return, and burn all of the darkness
I ask myself often, when will this end?
When did this even begin?
When did my thoughts become only you and every day become a struggle to stay sane. To thrive on this insanity.
I realize that even though I have talked of dance like it is my passion in this world, it isn’t. I talk about dance with a light in my eyes because you come through. I think about who I have learned all I know from, of who watched me grow.
You, the real passion of my life. The real light.
When I am standing in that room, and the music is blasting and there are the most entertaining of routines going on, I can’t even watch them. My attention is fixed elsewhere. My ears not hearing music, my mind not registering movement.
Just my mind hearing its own song, this song it refuses to end. It is an intoxication that I cannot stop or control. It keeps playing and all my eyes will register is you. You, even just standing across the room, it is overwhelming.
The grace that you have, the beauty that you carry. I cannot look away, and I haven’t been able to for years.
You were walking towards me and my eyes were fixed on you, and I felt the urge to look away as you were coming closer but I did not. And you looked at me looking at you and your eyes did this click of emotion, as you smiled at me. Briefly, then back to your constant intensity.
I am the undying, unfailing storm in your midst. A hail storm pounding on the roof of your car.
The roof of your home.
A hurricane, longing to tell this story.
The year is coming to a close, and I cannot fathom the speed of time. I have accomplished much this year with you. We are close. We are closer then you are with most and yet you are closer with some.
This storm never ends. It’s a realm of constant hail. An infinite set of storms, only causing pain for the storm itself. Causing contentment for those around it.
Your eyes are the eye of the storm itself, and I am the hail.
One day I will tell you what I have been. And it will scare you.
But the storms, they do not stop. They never have and they never will.
You came at the perfect yet most inopportune time. I was searching for someone who understood me. Someone who felt, truly felt the darkness. You did. Instead of trying to save me, you invited me into your world. A world that drug me into a whirlwind, double sided, amazing yet destructive spiral. It was fun and crazy and I was finally able to be myself and not be scared. I knew we fed each others addictions yet I couldn’t stop. I knew somewhere deep inside that it would cause something that I may never come back from but I didn’t care. I needed you. I needed to feel “normal” in a world where I never had before. When you stopped talking to me I wasn’t hurt because I knew that whatever reasons you had, you were giving me a chance to finally save myself. Now I am in hell but it’s okay. I can finally get the help I have needed for a long time.
So Thank you!!!!
Thank you for showing me so much in such a short time. You may have held my hand while we descended into hell but in the process you helped me SAVE MYSELF.
And I hope that someday you can find your way out too.