Ill never know how to tell you how i feel about you, so much time has already passed from the moment we met, to how hurt i still feel right now. I tried moving on , i swear i did. Every new interest i found was met by your friendly “how are you?”, “lets hang out soon?”, since we agreed on being friends after all. As soon as i see your name on my phone my heart breaks and rejoices at the same time, i think, “the love of my life has finally come around”, while also thinking of how much i’m about to hurt myself again because i know i cant resist you and that we end with the same heartbreak, or at least i find myself with the same pain i was left with a whole year ago. I thought i had prepared myself for our separation, no contact, give you space, no one prepared me for when you actually kept coming back into my life for a friendship that you don’t know is causing me so much pain. i expected you to talk to me maybe once after. Not this often, its almost as if you want to remind me you’re still there, because you feel me forgetting about the heartbreak.
Its just odd, you always came back when i found someone else to spark my interest, as if a sixth sense, that you could feel me moving on. Or maybe part of me thought you were getting jealous and wanting me back. Every time we begin talking, i drop anyone i’m talking to as fast as a pen, i go back to waiting for that moment where you confess how much you still care about me, but it never comes. Instead, i get the constant update that you’re feeling amazing and this year has been great to you, the best year as a matter of fact. Its as if every time i start to think i’m moving on you come back, like clockwork. I’ve began to notice that its every 3-4 months you come back for one of your checkups, i find myself waiting for them since its the only piece of you i still have left, and in that short moment we talk, i find myself hoping, maybe this will be the time, i win you back.
I’m so happy you’re having such a great time since we split up, i love you and want the best for you, and ill always want you to be happy, even if it isn’t with me. Hearing you say that was like a hole in my chest. This was the worst year of my life, since we’ve parted ways. Id go through it all over again if we could be back to the beginning. But you’re different now, or i’m different, maybe we’re different. I tried to change so much about myself to move on but when i see you all that melts away, and i find myself in the same place i was before.
I don’t have the strength to send you this letter, but i hope one day you find it. I hope so badly you find this, and know its from me. Then you’d know how much ill always love you. I’ve seen you run through girls like nothing, i always wonder if they fill a void that was left by me, if the cared for you the way i do. Maybe that’s why you always come back, because they don’t. Or maybe i’m just a time filler until the next one comes along. Do they know your favorite places to be held? Words to soothe you when you cant sleep? The way you like your ears to be rubbed? That’d you say i was the only person who’d ever done that, and the only one who could do it right. I wonder if you think of my hand in yours when your hand is lying empty, the way mine does. Or when someone else is filling my absence, if i’m still there in the back of your mind, even though you are always in the front row of mine.
I keep trying to tell myself, you were my first love, but you will not be my last. Yet i cant find anyone who makes me feel half of the emotion you still cause to surge out of me. It isn’t as if i’m deliberately comparing everyone to you, there’s honestly no way to compare. No one compares to you. I’m becoming scared ill never feel that way about anybody else. Ill always love you, I’ve come to terms with that, our friendship means so much to me, even though its a constant knife in my heart. How can i think of another man in terms of “us”, when i used that word to describe me and you so perfectly? I wonder how you can look at me and not feel a pain in your heart the way i do. Do you really see us as friends? What do you tell people about me when they ask who i am?
I was hoping writing this to you would be a form of goodbye, my goodbye i never got to tell you. i feel as if this is the last time i can put myself through another cycle of our friendship. I need to move on fully, not necessarily with any one new, just with myself. I want to let go so bad, but i don’t know how. All i can say is that i love you, you’ve hurt me so bad, and i love you.
We are over, i have to accept that. We are friends, i have accepted that’s what you see us as, but i cant handle it anymore. i have to cut the ties before they wrap around my neck. I cant wait anymore for you, I’ve been waiting so long it feels like. But, now i need to gather my strength, and not be there in the next 3-4 months.
I met you almost 5 years ago now, and back then things weren’t right for us. You came back to me a few weeks ago and we have been inseparable since. Today makes 10 years since I have used drugs. 10. Long. Years. I’ve struggled every single day with my sobriety. Then here you come, with your pain and your pain pills that you decide to take right up the nose. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to see that shit?! The problem is…..I refuse to let you go. I know that every time I get on you about it, you slow down. But today I realized that you keep sneaking around, where you think I can’t hear you crushing up the pills in the house. I know that you are in a lot more pain than normal right now because of the cold. I also know that my health problems cause more pain than is bearable for most people. I cant take anything for the fibromyalgia because…lucky me…I’m allergic to it all. I also know that with my addictive personality, that I can’t self medicate like you. I think that is why I get so mad at you all the time. You can take something for the pain and I cant. I have to deal with it. Every day. I think the reason you’ve been sick for the last 2 days is because you’re taking too much, but I won’t tell you that. You think I don’t know about the extra little bumps here and there. I love you, dammit!!!!! Stop killing yourself!!!!! I got myself clean….I will do everything I can to help you. I promise you that.
I’m in love with you, but the thing is, you are yet to be found.
I know you are out there, and I keep wondering; when our paths cross, will we be able to recognize each other in a crowd?
Sometimes I imagine how our life would be together. How happy we will be when we finally find each other.
Waking up every morning, each one being a reason for the smile of one another.
Everyday, every moment passes I get more anxious to find you, to meet you.
But right now, I’m so conflicted. I love you but I’m also so afraid of love. I am afraid that I’ll never find it, and I’m even more afraid that it’ll break me when I do.
Still, I want to find you, because I believe when I do, you will erase that fear from my heart.
And I know that nothing will come between us even if we are worlds apart.
I love you, and I will find you.
I want you to know that it wasn’t me that wrote that letter. I do want you. I have now for a number of years. Look in my eyes and you will see the truth. I did look in your eyes and I saw that you wanted me. That made me so happy even if I may not have looked like it. Why do you think I kept looking at you too. Why do we keep communicating on here? I’m tired of being on here when we should be communicating in person or on the phone or something.
I don’t want anybody else. I just want you. We are soulmates. I know this and for the years that have gone by and we both still feel this way…shouldn’t we be doing something about it? Ask me on a date or heck I’ll even ask you out for coffee. You just need to see me again so that I can ask or you can.
We are always waiting on each other. Let’s finally do something about it, because neither of us is going to be happy until one of us steps up. I dream about you all the time, but now I want to make those dreams a reality.
I don’t want to be friends. I want to be lovers, boyfriend and girlfriend, fiances, husband and wife. I want to grow old with you and have children. That’s right. I’m looking to being with you forever. What are we waiting for?? Let’s get started.
Show up again in my life somehow. I will ask you to coffee. I promise.
I’m sorry I let you down – got you angry and upset. Maybe you need time to sort things out and come to a conclusion yourself… but I needed to make something clear that I didn’t in my previous letter. If you want to keep reading you can or you can just stop reading this letter and move on…. it’s your choice.
I know it was confusing and it seemed like I was leaving or I was with someone else- but that’s not what the letter implied at all. I was just trying to tell you that it makes me feel great to see you happy… that’s all. There wasn’t any other message in the previous letter; the girl in that letter can be anyone. If it someone else, I would still be happy seeing that you are, that’s all that I was trying to communicate. Maybe the letter was a bit elaborate and confusing because I was just writing my feelings and thoughts… the previous letter was quite unfiltered. Also, it would nice if you could mention your initials at the end and where you are from if you want to write something to me… that way I have no doubts about who the letter is for.
P From Sydney, Aus., (who submitted a letter titled “M” on 8 Jan,’18.)
I don’t even know where to start. You meant so much to me. You were my best friend, my princess, my crush, my best friend, my everything. And you betrayed me. You left like it all meant nothing to you. You hurt me so much and you didn’t even care one bit. You left, and you blamed it on me. Like it was my fault. Like I didn’t deserve a reason to be mad. We made plans to get married to have kids using Cameron’s sperm we picked out names for the kids… you were doing that with Kaydin and Cameron too. It’s been at least 50 days and I can’t go a day without thinking about you and it gets me so mad because ii miss you so much and hate you at the same time. You ruined my relationship with Celia sure you didn’t mean to, but you still did. You let Johnny play me.you let me look stupid. I stood up for you when no one else did. I talked you out of doing stupid stuff I forgave you multiple times. I put my friendships at risk. I gave up my friendships. I got in trouble because of you. I lied for you. And you did nothing for me except leave me. You ruined me. You take away my happiness. ever since you left I haven’t had one night where I didn’t cry my self to bed or when I didn’t want to die. I have all these feelings and I can’t even tell anyone because I have no one and no one cares. When people where calling you ‘’hoe’’ ‘’slut’’ ‘’whore’’ etc. I always stood up for you…but you never even thanked me. Not once. But Cameron sticks up for you one time and he your best friend and soul mate and you thank him. HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? Oh, wait it doesn’t. Then 37 days later you hit us all up talking about your self about how you are ‘’going to miss me if I landed you in their’’. I didn’t land you in your depression did. I had every right to be mad at you and you need to stop acting like it was my fault. You betrayed me. You broke my heart and so much more. You didn’t even have the nerve to ask me how I’ve been. If I was okay or anything. You just didn’t care and that made me sad. And every day I’m turning into you a little bit more and I hate myself for it. The thing with you is that everything is always about you even when you aren’t here. When you first left. Everybody kept coming up to me asking me about you. Asking me how you are or when you’re getting back but not one person asked me how I was feeling. It was always about you and it always is. You were a big deal for me. You were the first girl I ever liked. The reason I came out. You made me happy at first. I loved you and not the kind of love where you just say you love them. I actually did love you. I see you in my future. You were my future. I wanted kids with you. A wanted to come home from work and see you. But none of that is going to happen now. You where the first person I thought about when I woke up and the last when I went to bed. You were the reason I liked school. The reason I wanted to go. You made me happier then I ever was. There wasn’t a minute when I wasn’t think about you. I would have done anything for you. I put your happiness before mine. You used to be the first one I told good news to or bad news too. I told you everything. I miss you. I miss telling you I love you at random times. But I shouldn’t miss you. I hate myself so much for missing you and still wanting you.
I met you. I loved you. You hurt me.you left me.you blamed me.
I’m not sorry. I won’t ever be. You should be the one sorry. Not me.
I hope the best for you