I wish I could tell you how happy I am to be leaving. It’s so exciting! I finally will get to be with my family again and the possibilities are endless! However, it’s bittersweet… because we’re saying goodbye. You know as well as I do that it has to be this way. For, even if I were not moving away, we would still need to part.
We’ve had some amazing times together! But lately, not so much. It’s nobody’s fault. We’re just not right for eachother. It took a long time for me to accept that because I love you. Even though we are not good for eachother and we bring out the worst in eachother… I love you. For the longest time, I kept telling myself as long as we loved eachother we could overcome ANYTHING. But sometimes love just isn’t enough.
So I sit here now, with you sitting across the room watching tv. And this is the only way I can tell you… that because each of us is about to embark on a new journey of rediscovering ourselves and reconnecting with family, I am so happy! Because each of us will be free of the pain we have caused eachother, I am SO happy! Because we love eachother, I’m SO HAPPY! However, because we are saying goodbye… I feel broken.
I am so emotionally exhausted. I just want to have fun and forget about some things. I got my heart broken (not the serious kind) just “fell” for a man I cannot have a viable relationship with. Now i am misty blue. All i need is time…time heals everything. And a little prayer goes a long way. I wish i had never fallen for him. He has been attracted to me for years And now that i finally giving him the time of day everything has gone downhill. I definitely regret wearing my heart on my sleeve. I shouldnt have said anything! I am so down right now. I hope I may start falling for people who are right for me. I dont want to say I hope he feels the pain that I do. Because i would not want any man to wish the same for me..seeing I am causing a few heartaches but it is not my fault. And it is not his fault that I am infatuated with him. I just hope he comes back around. And he empathises with me
Stop using LOL. And stop using every variety of the whole “laugh out loud” idea. We criticize so many people for using “um” or “ah” as fillers in their speech, but we openly encourage the use of lol as a filler. It may be that most people assume that it is slightly more intelligent sounding since it is an acronym, but it isn’t. It is just as frustrating. Using lol is simply a way to respond when you don’t know how else to or to fill up space in a text or conversation.
If you don’t have something intelligent or heartfelt to add to the current conversation, don’t use lol. Change the subject or don’t add. People won’t see you as rude, especially if you do add to the conversations that you feel passionately about and have the energy.
Why am I so nervous? I’m making an effort here. Will you notice? Will you fall for me all over again? Will you care? Probably not.
It’s late and I’m just lying in the darkness, listening to music and thinking of you.. I’m not supposed to love you, it’s wrong and unfair and a recipe for disaster, I know all of that.. And in the day I can convince myself really well that I don’t care for you, we’re just great friends who have a bit of fun together but there are times at night when I’m so lonely I’m sobbing into my pillow, when I lie awake and try not to wonder what you’re doing and when I admit to myself I miss you.. I want you to want me too, the way I want you.. I know I can’t do this to you and its really not fair at all and its not like you’re doing this on purpose, but when months go by without any contact, my heart aches for you.. I can’t ever say any of this to you but I really do love you.. Wish things didn’t have to be this way..
I was eight years old when I met you. I didn’t like you from the first moment I met you and grew to hate you every second of every day for the rest of my life. The word hate is the strongest emotion one could feel. I honestly feel bad for anybody that has to experience that emotion because you can never explain it. I used to have dreams of you standing over me and I would be scared, alone, and crying but I didn’t have anyone to comfort me and that was your fault. You took away my mom from me. You made my brother and sister scared to even put a finger down. You made me disappear from the hell hole of a life because you knew I wasn’t afraid and if I was I sure wouldn’t show that to you. You monitored everything that went on in the house in other words you are a control freak. You made me take five minutes or less showers every other day or every two days. Do you know what its like to come home a three hour long softball practice and not be able shower for two days. You made me to be the smelly kid in school. You made me scared that every time I came home from school I would just stay in my room and pretend to be sleeping just so I wouldn’t have to deal with you. Your the one that because of your selfishness and anger you caused me picking up a few of my favorite things and leaving on a whim not knowing if my mom was going to be okay and forcing me to comfort and calm down my little brother and sister not knowing when the next time we would be back. Its funny because we all have the one memory in our childhood a day we will never forget. Mine was when you told me that if you were ever my dad you would kill yourself. You know I kind of wish you were my dad just for that reason. I blame you for all the nights I had to call my friends and sleep in their rooms and leave before their parents would notice. I blame you for all the times I would drive to my grandparents house balling my eyes. I blame you for making my mom insane. I blame you for pushing me down and slamming the door in my face. I blame you for holding up my brother by the neck threatening to beat him. I blame you for showing my sister that this is a healthy lifestyle so now when she does create a healthy relationship she will do a million and half things to screw it up because shes so confused. This is all on you. This is for the times you put Tabasco sauce on my brother and sisters lips and made them eat it as a form of punishment, which I now found out is a form of child abuse thought you should know. You took everything from me. You made me feel disgusting and alone. At the age of 13 I drank bottles of vodka everyday and you know thats all on me. I broke down and let a guy like you tear me apart. I thank God everyday for the savior that walked into my life. He saved me. He helped me decide to move out and not to feel bad leaving anybody behind. He was also my partner in crime. Yeah it was us we slashed your tires on your truck and put sugar in your gas tank, but that back fired because you being the cheap ass you made my mom buy all new tires for it. When you got in that motorcycle accident you know its funny because I didn’t cry one bit I did feel bad though but for my mom because she had to help take care of your sorry ass. When your snacks would go missing in your snack cabinet yeah it was me and I ate it in my room to. Oh and by the way that “spare” key you had hiding in that rock yeah theres copies and I made sure to give one to all my friends who also have some anger for you. I do give you props though for going to anger management classes on wednesdays to bad they didn’t help though or my mom would probably be there still. You made me feel anxious and out of control every time I saw you. The worst part she made me apologize to you so I could move back in after college for that short time. I didn’t mean one word and you started crying like a little bitch. Then proceeded to give me a set of rules. And you wonder why everyone thinks that your a control freak. You should just be happy that I didn’t include everything that went on durning my childhood, because right now you would be dead. Im not focused on that anymore because you don’t own me. I am free from you but my hate for you will never ever go away. If we ever cross paths which I hope we don’t you better watch yourself. Now I am stronger than before. You think your so tuff you can push around a girl. Well I am standing my ground and I will take you down. You are nothing. I always used to think your kids were assholes along with everybody else in Sauk Rapids but now I don’t blame them if I had to deal with you for the rest of my life I would be a bitter asshole to. I hate you. I blame you. Who I am today you are nothing apart of. This is all me rising above you.
Maybe I’m wrong but I always got the sense you weren’t super thrilled with your body. Little things you said made me think you were somewhat unhappy with your boob size, butt shape, and weight. If I’m at all right…seriously girl stop being silly. You are fucking gorgeous just the way you are. Your body is very proportional, I think it would look weird if you lost weight. And your ass is a wonder to behold, whether you believe that or not. You’ve got that Sophia Loren beauty….you’ll still be a smokeshow when you’re 60. Can someone say GMILF?
If i was to make you nasty and hate me i thought it would do the trick, and for a while it did, you hated me and were so nasty that i was angry and didn’t care, it helped me crush what i felt, it stamped out the grief of not being near you, the sadness and regret were gone.
But that is temporary i still miss you, i still think of you more times a day than i do anything else.
Well i guess it confirms to me that i knew anyway, i will always have a flame burning for you. It is easier in some ways but hard and hurtful in others because i can’t help but wish i had thought harder and longer and how i wish i could go back in time. If i could i would go back and none of this would ever have happened and i don’t know if everything would be great but it would be better than it is. And what is worse is, i thought that i would feel better having done what i did, now i realise that was not so because if you were in my life i could be happy, now you’re not even there anymore for me to explain to the whole mess i made and why. So i have nothing left but to say sorry for what i did, sorry for what i said, sorry for it all, you live and learn but i can’t apply the lessons learnt because there is no one but you i want to apply them to.
For readers of this which won’t be you an if it were you wouldn’t even know this was for you any way, all i can say is it is not better to just dive in and see what could be, take your time, be sure of what you are doing, and think things through. That is the hardest, to stop before any action and think what will the realistic result be?
But whatever the issues in life, do do that before you “do” whatever it is.