• just a memory

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    It’s hard to believe that some memories still hurt even and others make the guilt worse, but that’s all they are just memories. I try to concentrate on the good ones but none can have the good ones without the bad ones. Fact of life.

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    Currently

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I’m number 2, He’s number 1.
    Tonight:
    1.Just forget it.
    2.So you’re giving up?
    1.I’m sick of trying.
    2.You haven’t even tried.
    1.Really?
    2.What have you done?!
    1.This is unhealthy, it’s torture.
    2.Then just leave, no one is forcing you to stay.
    1.I just don’t want to go through this again.
    2.Go through what?
    1.Heartbreak..
    2.Then quit giving up every time it get’s tough.
    1.Don’t give me that bullshit Shelby.
    2.Quit being so damn selfish, Nate.
    1.What do you want me to say.
    2.Nothing, I just want you to try.
    1.I can’t fix what’s broken.
    2.Well you don’t have a choice, because I’m pregnant.
    1.Get out.
    2.If you leave, There’s no second chance. You either stay and deal with what’s hard, or you leave like a coward.

    *He leaves. I’m all alone.

    Dear Bunny

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Dear bunny,

    A short note from #28 on the 28th.

    I miss you, and I’m envious of everyone being able to spend their time with you. You should know by now, how bitter and jealous I get when it comes to other girls. It has always been like that even though I’ve acted all cool on the outside. Nothing has changed. My feelings towards you remain and I am still the same person you knew a year ago. Still curious. Still craving you. Still wanting you.

    I love you. And as much as I hate sharing you, the thought of losing you hurts more.

    “Kiss me hard before you go.” – Lana del Rey

    Xoxo, Kimmy.
    28.10.14

    Dear Bunny

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Dear bunny,

    Did not expect to see you at the shop earlier. It was really a pleasant (maybe not to you) surprise for me. I thought you probably would’ve left already. I did not plan to go over, but since you wanted the Pomade, and I was there, thought I’d get it for you anyway.
    That’s just how things are for you, always. I’ve always gone all out for you, just to make you that little bit happier.
    It started from Bali with your tee / always trying to save a part of my family parties so I can share them with you / waking up in the morning wanting to tell you I love you before you go off for your riding / getting St Christopher and blessing them for you knowing you will always be safe in His hands / checking with my doctor friends if I should be worried with your blood tests / your birthday cake / always thinking how to surprise you / even ordering the Simpsons mini figures for you because I knew how much of a fan you are.

    Did all that mean nothing to you? To be frank, my heart is in pieces.
    You break my heart over and over again by doubting my Love for you and with the way you have been treating me, I do not know why I can still hold out this long for you.

    Coming Saturday, is the Run. All I want, is to go together. A short weekend trip together, just you & me. Every part of me wants to just scream at you and ask you if you will come with me, even though I already know the answer will be a strict definite NO. Yet… my heart insists what my head knows I shouldn’t.

    I showed Chris some of the little things we did for each other, and she was so shocked over the Heart shaped notes I did for you for Valentine’s and how much of my Pride and Dignity foregone for you. She agreed, she did not know I had it in me; to be able to let go of my “face” and do this much for somebody.

    Yes. As “hidden” as you are… most of my closest friends know about you and of your existence. All I did was praised you in front of them.

    I hate you. So so so much because I love you this much. I feel so stupid at times. For someone who does not reciprocate, all I want is just to immerse every inch of me into your life. Every little thing I see, I wish I could share them with you. I have a tiny folder of everything You on my phone, on my Chrome, even in my emails. Even though you have always been unhappy for never being the official One, please know, you are definitely embedded in me and in my life, and I’ve always seen you as my partner, and YOU were the one I gave myself to. No, I do not regret it as it made me felt bonded and grounded to you, it only made me love you more.

    They say : First cut is the deepest. Perhaps, that is why I find it terribly hard to let go of everything just yet. I know they weren’t to you, and perhaps I may even be number #28 for all I know, yet… many of the things we did together were a First for me.

    I am falling terribly ill and my hormones are all over the place. Not a single how are you from you. Even though I do things (probably insignificant to you) for you, I do not do them hoping for something in return from you. Yet, deep down, I do wish that you still love me and cared for me. It’s okay, I get it. I really shouldn’t be asking / expecting anything from you.

    I tried. To be distant. To be cold. Not to be nice. Yet… there is always a soft spot for you, and every inch of me yearns to help you in whatever obstacle you face, and offer you help when you need it, to tell you my stories, listening to yours, laughing together. Oh, how I wish I could be as tough as you. As cold hearted as you. I wish I could forget you like how you so easily forget about me. I wish I could reject you like how you reject me in a heartbeat. Do you know? How much pain you are causing me now? ????????

    I read something earlier at Auntie Lis’ place, and it sums up how I feel about you most of the time :
    ??? (I’m sorry)
    ???? (Please forgive me)
    ??? (Thank you)
    ??? (I Love You)

    I really do.

    Xoxo, Kimmy
    25.10.14

    Unheard of

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    You always have this annoying habit of having your say first. What you say is law I suppose in your world. You are always calling me out on my stuff and I have to tell you “that way you do” is your way of complete avoidance of the truth. I’m just going to beat you to the punch and just tell you how I feel it is and it’s true so, whatever you say is disregarded. I could continue and say a lot more but you know what. You can keep it just how you think, it should go. A little while and it will not even matter any way. I would’ve just wasted time trying to fix something that wasn’t my doing anyway.

    Demons

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I’d never never thought I say this to you but Thank you. This whole experience has made me see my darker side more clearly I now know what my demons are and I’m putting them back in their cages. I am sorry for hurting you and I forgive you for hurting me. I still don’t know if I’ll contact you when my demons are lock up and sleeping because even though you helped me to see what they are your still one of the few people that can wake them and neither of us wants that to happen.

    Best of luck
    A

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GFQYaoiIFh8

    Serendipity

    by  • October 31, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Dear G,
    Happy Halloween. I wish you would actually be the recipient of this message; I wish I could decorate that amazing porch with loads of goodies to make you smile but I know you are set in your ways and have probably made up your mind – and the hopes of you being on here resding it is good enough at the moment . I know you would never get on a random website and read anonymous letters unless I showed it to you. I love you and miss you. I love and miss every one of the forms I knew- all million of them ;). I’m not sure which part of you , part of us I miss the most…our innate intimacy with eachother …our candidness about EVERYTHING…our red wine conversations while Otis Redding played in the background ….or our in between never ending conversations that have persevered through decades of failed relationships- you were always the voice I couldn’t wait to hear ….I was always the girl you ran from and to – in between – but you always found your way to me -you are always the projection of my stubborn faith in the universe that always reunited our voices – I believe you. Come back when you can choose to and be comfortable with the fact that we never stopped loving eachother – through it all. For once in our life , for the first time in our life , we are both single. Don’t run back to another attempt to escape…..it will never be us.
    Ilymte
    J

    Love is not..

    by  • October 30, 2014 • 0 Comments

    about attachment or permanence. Love is about spending time with another person, sharing moments, experiences, and each other. The moment I made it about keeping the other person, it became part of my ego, fears and insecurities. I know this and all I want to wish my person happiness and let go.

    I hate you

    by  • October 30, 2014 • 0 Comments

    whether you are here or not doesn’t matter. While you are spewing hatred out to me, please understand the feeling is mutual. Who do you think was more selfish? It’s all about you. Always has been — always will be. So, while you are busy hating me, I will be doing the same in my world. Perception is key, my friend.. oops – sorry – ex-friend.