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    by  • September 28, 2016 • 0 Comments

    You have destroyed us. You’re a selfish person and I wished I didn’t marry you. Deep down you know I know what happened that night… So why are you still the same person? You haven’t changed at all and I feel so sorry for you.

    Doesn’t do me much good

    by  • September 28, 2016 • 0 Comments

    Responding those memories now, as precious as they were. It goes completely against what I say about protecting those I love, my own precious memories with them and really it’s just not how friends talk.

    I know some manage polyamory with success, but that’s not the foundation we built on.

    If those are the only types of words we have for each other, then maintaining this last line of connection is just no bueno anymore.

    And I never tell you how I really feel.

    by  • September 28, 2016 • 0 Comments

    White sheets, are all I remember.
    Feet strapped in stirrups, (dysmorphic equestrian–!)
    Someone spoke a spell that caused the walls to buzz and shudder like bees without a queen
    Someone took my blood pressure.
    This isn’t happening.
    Time didn’t have time to stand still so it jumped from a tall building.
    And then it passed.

    […]

    He sat in a waiting room, while I with my cry eyes stood in line
    Trying to find divinity in the pattern of the carpet, because in this place, anyone that you look in the face becomes naked and none of us ever agreed to that.
    They handed me a form
    And I looked at the line on the paper
    And it said emotional support person, and it said relationship to you
    I left it blank to match his eyes and the way that I felt when I didn’t know how to answer the question.

    Even though when I was with him I was secretly thinking in threes and fantasies of families until
    [suddenly my body was empty]–

    We drove home. He remarked on polite topics.

    And I’m telling you:
    I wanted to take his face in my hands
    I wanted to turn it towards mine and to look in his eyes
    And demand that he tell me, whether or not he can tell that they’re empty
    While outside we ran red lights and people on the sidewalk dove behind posts and bricks and bins for cover
    I wanted the street to reflect my disaster
    I wanted the world to scream with me, I wanted to scream
    I wanted his eyes to mirror mine

    I
    Tightened my seat belt strap a little, to contain my chest
    I
    Turned the radio on.

    Eyedea and abilities told me to smile
    I swear that I tried, but you can’t put a brace around everything that is broken.

    I wanted to hold his hand.

    But instead I held my silence like a baby blanket because I know that the secret to never losing something is to forget that you’ve got it and fate amuses itself by punishing demands

    I stared at my hands that had broken so many things and hoped they would never break anything again.

    […]

    There are times our hands are broken, and our hands are tired.
    But some part of me is wired to believe we must be stronger than pallid palms
    And in that moment I prayed
    That no matter how small, let our hands lend us the strength, this time
    To create.

    […]

    I steamed rice in the pot that my father gave me.
    I applied red lipstick.
    I drove to his house and I gave him a flower.

    I love her so much I.. have to let her go?

    by  • September 27, 2016 • 0 Comments

    My girlfriend of over 3 years and I have been broken up for quite some time now. To my dismay, we haven’t really talked much since, but I still think about her every day. I still care about her. I hope all the time that she is well and that she is happy whatever she’s doing. Even though she broke my heart, I can’t help that I still truly want for her to be happy.

    Despite that, though — and even if she would have me back in the first place — I wouldn’t ever consider getting back together with her. It’s sounds odd to say, but it’s.. because I still love her. I love her in a way that she doesn’t love me back. I spent a lot of time bringing down my own level of self-respect in trying to continue to love somebody who didn’t love me back anymore. And I have too much respect for myself now to ever put myself back in that position: being in a relationship with someone who didn’t love me the way I loved her. I take responsibility, as my lack of respect for myself opened her up to treating me the way she did at times. But it’s just crazy to me to think that the reason that I wouldn’t get back together with the person I loved even if she did want me back is just that — because I still love her.

    I firmly believe that I can’t just make the decision to stop loving somebody the way I love her, even if I wanted to. Falling out of love with someone isn’t always as simple as just a choice that you make. I think it might just sort of finally happen as time goes on, the past becomes more distant, and we change as people and move on with our lives. And while she may have fallen out of love with me, I’m not afraid to recognize that I still care deeply about her and that it would bring me great joy to know that she is happy even if I’m no longer a part of her life. This is what it is to truly love someone, I suppose. I only hope to one day fall in this type of unconditional love with somebody who shares the same mutual feeling for me.