Did you have a good experience at the event? I wish I would have stopped you before you left and caught up a bit. From the looks of your presentation, you and your team accomplished some really great work. You’re great in front of a crowd by the way, I hope you know that.
On a side note, I feel a bit guilty for not keeping in touch. You’re my friend, and I don’t feel like I’ve been a very good one. You’re important to me.
It’s hard because I have a bit of a crush on you.
Okay okay, maybe more than a bit.
As much as I want to catch up, I know if I start talking to you again I’ll be unfocused and consumed with the jumble of confused feelings that I’m all too familiar with.
So please, I hope you’re aware that your admired and appreciated. I really hope you’re doing well. I’m done with the mush now!
All the best-
do you still think of me? or was i another girl. did this years mean anthing or just a fuck. i miss you as a friend, but hate you for a lover.
This is strange to me. I haven’t seen you for four years. We’ve both moved on. Maybe it’s because we never really broke up; you just moved away, as you were always going to. I dreamed about you last night. The night of my anniversary with my fiance and I dreamed about you instead. Want to know what you did? You saw me, ran to me, and lifted me in the air with a huge hug. It was like four years never happened, except we were so excited to see each other after so long. As the dream progressed, mysterious people were yelling at me to back off, and not to steal ‘her boyfriend,’ as they called you. I think I was the only one who knew your name in this dream. So we ran away. You brought my beloved cat back to life and we set out into outer space. We got lost and died when we ran out of oxygen, and I was still so happy just to see you again. But that will never happen. You’re not on a different continent anymore, but you’re still time zones away. You’re still with her, and I’ll never leave mine. I just wanted to tell you that apparently I can’t let you go so easily, even four years later. I still wish you a happy birthday every year, but I think you missed my last two. Who’s counting, anyway? Anyway. Today I listened to the songs that make me think of you: “City Lights” by Umbrellas, and “The World Spins Madly On” by The Weepies. I hadn’t heard them in so long, but when I woke up, I couldn’t get them out of my head. I do still believe that in a different life, we can be together. It’s not this one. We agreed. I’m sorry to have wasted your time with this letter.
Days roll by and all i see is your face, i wake up and i think, i wish xxxxxx xxxxx was with me. During the day i think of you, and last thing at night.
I love you so much, if you wanted the moon i would find a way to make it yours, it would be easier to do that than to make you love me back.
I could say so much, but you will never read it, so i just want to say it to God, or any being akin to a deity, please help me, it hurts unendingly, please remove the love for her or at least bring her back into my life, all i did was say how i felt and i lost her.
Is love so much a crime?
Angel i love you forever, God, please don’t leave me to hurt forever, i know many more have greater needs than my selfishness, but for an omnipotent being it is irrelevant who else suffers, for you need but think it an it is, so will you remove my love for her, or bring her even back into my life?
Please, if it needs i will die for her without sorrow or hesitation.
What did you expect? What should I say to all of this? I made a fool of myself. That’s the only thing I know for sure.
As the endearments grow, I can’t help but feel partly ashamed of myself. You give and give and I feel all I do is take. I live in both terror and certainty that I will surely disappoint you, and it eats at me during moments when I’m not with you.
I hate him. I have grown to hate him. My hatred is making me ugly inside, and as usual the timing of the most important people always seems out of sync with the state of my mind. For you to watch me be this way, so angry and vulnerable and fighting off a vindictive impulse from moment to moment makes my skin crawl. I am not worthy of you.
You have no idea how grateful I am that you stay. These things you do, you tell me, because you love me. I am slammed with wonderment and disbelief. Can it be that you really just want me, complete with present circumstance and petty bullshit.
I convince myself that I should push you away because you are not ready, no one is ready, to take on the kind of baggage you are taking on in the name of love. You are not ready to raise children who aren’t yours. You aren’t ready to be a partner.
Knowing, that all along, it is me who isn’t ready.
And I can’t bear it. Because I love you too. I love what we have in common and what we don’t. I love the sound of your voice, the touch of your fingers and the long way you look at me. I love the way you are. I love the way you frustrate, the way you lift my chin and tell me how much it hurts you to see me in so much pain.
I can’t bear to tell you to not be hurt, because I’m a selfish greedy bitch and I don’t want to hurt alone.
I have always been right when you were about to reach out to me. I hope I am wrong this time. Sometimes so much damage has been done, it will never be fixed. It’s not because I didn’t want it to be okay, but rather because I no longer trust you. At all. I can’t allow myself to be friends with you after all that. I’ve tried, but there is something there now that just wants you away from me to ensure I cannot be hurt by this again. It’s not about forgiveness. It’s about not wanting to hurt anymore. There were so many times I went over this with you and tried to stop the things that happened. You didn’t listen to me. You said you did things opposite the way you felt out of fear or denial, etc. I’m sorry but that’s just something else I am unable to believe anymore. Here’s to hoping you don’t miss me. Honestly.
What is there really to say? You won’t talk to me. You are ignoring every attempt I make. I know I messed up by not keeping my promise but you messed up by not keeping yours. Who screwed up first really doesn’t matter. When I think of it none of it should. If you loved me you would be here. I keep trying, but you never accept me fully, as me. I am who I am, you are who you are. What you continue to do is push me away when it gets too difficult for you to feel the things you feel. Does it scare you? Do I scare you? It hurts me to think you somehow feel betrayed or lied to. It hurts me to think I have manipulated you somehow. I am telling you the truth when I tell you I have never felt this way about anyone else. You need to believe me. If there is any explanation of my behavior over the last decade it can be explained by my inability to process what it was between us. I hope you understand this. I hope you don’t tell me its too late. I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me again, for rocking the boat too soon, and for letting it seem as if you were my number two. You have always been my number one and you always will be. Please don’t end this, because we both know this is in your hands. Tell me what to do to show you how much I care. I can say it a million different ways, but if you give me the chance I will never let you down again. I love you punk.