• God can you hear me?

    by  • July 20, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I lost Eric and now I’ve lost David. I really have nothing. Can u heal me and send me a man who isn’t afraid to tell me he loves me to my face? Can u send me a man who will not leave when the going gets tough or I’m being difficult? Can you send

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    Don’t explain

    by  • July 20, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I wonder if nobody in your days understands the references to the artists you love, the poems shared secretly, the letters, because I find it too painful to explain to those who spend mine with me now. It was always you, it always will be. What haven’t we experienced and understood except through the mirror that is our other? I have hated the image, or so I said, and so I convinced myself. But truly I only ever admired you, for what you’ve shown me and helped me face. I wonder if I’ll ever be free from loving you?

    Re: I’m sorry, I’m sorry too.

    by  • July 20, 2018 • 0 Comments

    Hiiiiii <3
    First let me say this… i think of all the letters you've wrote me; Your last letter is the one I love the most. And i love you.. but I know that only i can get myself out of the mess i put myself in. It sucks right now, it really does. I hate who i am now, i have for some time. I know me being supportive won't make a significant impact in your life but i hope i can make your days brighter. I hate to see you as down as i am. you are already more put together than i am. I feel pathetic at times when im there with you as i dont know where i am in my life..aimless and unending path to no where. the letters get posted late so our emotions get all crazily mixed up but know this, deep in the heart of me, you still remain. And i hope this letter expresses how i feel. I'm sorry too. *kiss*

    Neverland

    by  • July 20, 2018 • 0 Comments

    And you are like the tides.
    When you return you crash against my shore
    wash every wall, every ‘this is why not’ away
    and when you go, your undertow takes my hopes and my heart with you
    back into an ocean where I can’t follow
    because I am the land.

    Your surface is littered with love notes in bottles
    and hasty, angry words, ink smeared down the middle
    Receipts with ‘I’m doing fine’ and ‘I think it’s better this way’
    scrawled across their backs like paper stitches
    corks unopened, graphite running
    soul untouched

    I fucking hate metaphors,
    their substance reduced to anecdote
    like we’re all just one anxiety attack away from losing ourselves
    and if you are like a fish and I am like a bicycle,
    that knowledge will help us hold on
    while we’re trying to let go

    I don’t dream anymore
    I just see shadows on the backs of my eyelids
    and maybe one of them has a name that sounds a lot like yours
    and if I could only see it, I would remember
    what it feels like to hold your hand
    but the memory’s fading

    I never felt that before:
    never knew someone’s eyes could open the universe wide
    never knew all the answers were two palms pressed together
    never liked winter mornings until I woke up with you
    never liked the rain until we stayed in your room
    didn’t care for churchlight until the sun shone through your window

    And if being grown means agreeing that sometimes
    love just isn’t enough,
    it’s the first star on the right, and straight on til morning.

    Lost

    by  • July 19, 2018 • 0 Comments

    I went to skineateles to say goodbye to the hope of us ever getting together. I walked out on the pier and the wind lifted my hair, but I barely felt it. All I felt was the pain of losing you and my whole world coming to an end. I wanted so much to grab hold of your hand and beg you to stay, but then the image of her and her sitting next to you broke me and you were no longer there for me to grab a hold of.

    I wiped away tears as I slowly walked on the pier. I could barely see life, people, the beauty of the lake. All I could see is your face and the look of disgust on your face that I had actually been there while you were on your date. I hated myself for making you hate me.

    I realized then as I stood out there with old couples walking hand in hand past me and the music of every love song that meant something to me play in my headphones, that I love you….not David. I’ve tried to move on with him, but every time I do I see your face. I’m not sure I can with David. Then I think you have moved on with her. There is nothing I can do to bring you back.

    But the thought of loving someone else other than you is impossible to me. I’m not over you. I don’t think I ever will be. Living alone is so much more tolerable then waking up to someone I don’t love and have to try and make myself love them. It’s not fair to David. But being alone is miserable too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go and I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it. Pam knows that I had to go to skineateles where I saw you having a date with her on the bench.

    I watched the water and a lonely duck. I was lonely for you. I never thought I would actually madly and deeply fall in love with you. I thought I had until today when I realized the strength of my love for you and the depth. I dragged my feet after standing an hour on the pier and slid my hand on the railing and felt the metal. It was all I could feel. I felt numb and pain all in one. Is that possible?

    I walked past the bench where you sat. I wanted to sit there in the spot where she sat and imagine that I was sitting in her spot. I wanted you to read my letter and never believe that I hated you and going away thinking I didn’t love you and was going to sleep with another man.

    I can’t sleep with him. I can’t. I thought maybe I could but it’s no use. He doesn’t make my body sing the way you do when you look at me. I can’t.

    I walked past the bench moving in slow motion. Everything around me was alive and happy. Life was going on without you, but I was still stuck in the moment of us and what could have been. I so desperately wanted you to read between my lines of my most dreadful letter and see that I did care too much. That the anger you saw was in fact deep down pain and hurt that you left me for someone else.

    When I saw how beautiful she was I couldn’t help but realize that if that’s what you wanted I could never match her. My skin..my hair color…everything about me is so different from her. You chose her. It rang in my ears and made me remember that I was somehow not good enough for you to tell me to my face that you loved me. I was somehow not good enough for you to ask me out on a date to skineateles and sit with you on that bench.

    I pulled the car away from the curb and suddenly the tears came again. Somehow you felt so close and I knew that I was still carrying you with me. The road was the same. The cars were different. The air was short. Then it came. Waves of tears and uncontrollable sobbing that I never even knew was there shot through me and onto the steering wheel and my lap.

    All the way home was like this. Over and over again I relived that moment of seeing the both of you together. I had truly lost you. I felt as though someone had died and ripped my heart into pieces. Nothing mattered anymore. The sky turned black. The cars were a blur. The people were white pasty clouds of substance and all I could do was avoid going home until I could compose myself.

    I will try to just live. There is so much happiness and people around. I can’t see it, but with time maybe I will begin to. This isn’t a letter to make you feel sorry for me. It’s not really a goodbye either, because you will always be here…point to my heart. This may sound cheesy to you and everyone else that reads it. But it’s a way for me to get things off my chest to write about a moment that was very important to me.

    I feel lost without you. I’m staying in NY. But so many memories of you here…and so many we could have made. I don’t know what to say now. I feel like I’ve poured out my heart and now is the time to just live and try and face each day with bravery.

    That’s all I can do. There is no hope of you ever coming back. There is no hope.

    Always yours,

    Ashley W.

    What I’ve tried to Say so Many Years

    by  • July 19, 2018 • 0 Comments

    Eric,

    I wrote out of hurt and anger. I realize I was wrong to do that. I took the day off yesterday and sat by the lake and cried. It was so hard to see you sitting with her on the bench knowing you chose to be with her over me. I cried because I loved you with all that I was. I still do even though I know now I must move on. I am talking to David. He is kind, patience, gentle, and so many things. I feel that I’m messing things up with him too though. I did finally tell him yesterday about us. He was sad for me. I was sad and broken. The anger I had in my last letter was not excusable but it was coming from deep pain within that I didn’t know how to express except by saying I hate you…which is really saying I love you so much that this is the way it came out in anger.

    I will never hate you and there will always be a part of me that loves you for as long as I live. I’m moving on. I know you have too. I hated myself yesterday for not being the right kind of woman that you would want to ask me to be with you. I hated that every time we tried to say something nothing would come of it no matter how hard we both tried.

    I was there in skineateles before you and passed by the bench and you weren’t there. I wasn’t really expecting to see you, but when I did everything came back about how I felt about you. I looked back hoping to encourage you to give us one more try, but it was all in vain.

    It’s heart breaking and sad. I can’t help but cry now knowing that you are out there and I could never gain the courage to tell you how I felt. It’s been so long holding these feelings inside and only being able to talk to you on here.

    I wish with everything inside of me that I could have been the one for you. That I could have been the one sitting on that bench next to you with my black hair flowing off the bench and talking to you. Just one word. Hello. Anything. Everything all at once.

    I’m sorry I broke you and hurt you. I would never want to do that. Ever. But I have. I’m so sorry. I would do it all over again just to see you and to whisper that I do. I have always needed you. Always. She doesn’t know how lucky she is to have you, but soon she will and one day you are going to look at her and forget that I even ever existed. She will make you happy the way that I was never able to, because I never had the courage to tell you that I love you.

    I’m dying inside, because for the first time on the way to the gym I didn’t look for you. I made myself not. Knowing that you don’t want me at all has made me force myself to get up this morning and gain the courage to face the day even though I know you won’t be in it, because I know that you don’t hate me and you loved me too and would want me to live a happy life.

    I will only smile because I know that’s what you would want me to do. All these years are gone. All the chances I had are gone. All the chances that you had are gone. Tears pouring down my face as I write this. If only…..

    What kills me inside even more is I know you don’t believe my words anymore, because love needs action, wild love making, fighting, words, working together, loving each other through good and bad times….all the things that I wish we had together.

    I’ve fallen in love with you Eric writing to you on here. I only wish I had the courage to face you and cry in front of you and be held even if it means goodbye. I don’t even know when I fell in love with you. It just happened. I believe it was from the moment I saw you at the falls and even before that.

    I don’t know if our paths will cross, but I know you are trying to move on from the pain of not having me and being with this beautiful and gorgeous girl that I could never be…even though I know I could be because I’m gorgeous too. But I know you want to try and move on and I will do everything in my power to respect that wish and I will do everything to make sure to try and not be where you are at.

    I honestly didn’t know you were going to be there on a date and I didn’t know you didn’t want to see me. But I’m respecting your wishes even though it was not intentional at all. Sometimes I think God puts you there in front of me to punish me and show me that if I had been braved I could have said something to you. I could have done something. But like you said it works both ways and for whatever reason you chose not to say anything either.

    I’d give anything to be her. She has your lips, your heart, your eyes, your mind, your body. She has everything that I still want. If only there was one more chance to come up to you and say the words and if you were willing to say them too.

    If only God would give us one more try. But I know you need to go but I can’t seem to let you go. I’m trying for you. I’m trying to be strong, but right now I can’t breath and I can’t go one moment without reliving the memories of us trying so many moments.

    I’m trying not to love you but the more I fight it or get angry the more I realize it’s just because I feel so deeply for you things that I know that no one else can take.

    How do I say goodbye to a man who has consumed my thoughts for six years and who I’ve written to for so many years? How do I cry out to God to take away the pain and the deep sadness and sorrow? How do I get over the fact that so many times you could have said something to me…anything knowing that for whatever reason I wasn’t good enough for you to actually whisper or say my name or call me out in a crowd.

    It’s you. It’s always been you. But prolonging this goodbye and letter isn’t going to help. It’s going to make you hate me even more and despise my face. Two things that I hate myself even more for making come true.

    I wish you the deepest and most fulfilling happiness with her. I only wish it because that’s what you wish for…not because I want you to be with her. I don’t. I want you to be with me. I’ve wanted that for years since I first saw you.

    But it’s selfish of me to keep you reading this letter and drawing this out. I want to selfishly keep you here all to myself without her. God, if there was some way to take away this pain that we have both felt I would. But you are cutting yourself off from me. I’m crying out for you to hear me but it’s falling on deaf ears. Nothing can fix this now. You love her.

    One day I hope to see you one more time just in passing…just to drink you in as much as I can and see your smiling face with her and little ones. To see you smile would mean that you have found peace and that’s all I want.

    Karma has caught up with me. I deserve this and what I did to us. There will never be a day that I won’t forget and live with it.

    I love you Eric. Just you. Always have and always will. There is a song that I hope you will listen to. I realized this to late, but play it for me sometime. It’s called “You are the reason” by Scott Calum. It’s for the love that I’m mourning for right now. The words that I have tried to tell you for so many years and never could to your face. It’s for you.

    I love you, Eric. I love you so much. You will always have a special place in my heart and live there until my last breath.

    Love always,

    Ashley M

    Work rant

    by  • July 19, 2018 • 0 Comments

    After needing my schedule reduced for my husband’s work and requesting time off for a family vacation, my sales have dropped.

    My company is doing a pay raise to 12.00 for all stylists in the next few wakes but I have to earn my way in with adequate sales otherwise I get write ups , warnings and an eventual let go.

    Last night at work I needed to resolve a scheduling error two weeks down the line my boss scheduled me on one of my husbands work days, I simply can’t do it with one car shared between us and the baby to watch. It the second time I’ve received such a long and frustrating lecture and it came with a physical write up.

    Ultimately it sounds like I will be forced out. My husband doesn’t seem to stressed, he likes the idea of going to more shows he can’t currently catch with my work, but I personally would like to do more in supporting our family. I dont know.. I guess I’ll figure it out, maybe lift a few paintings I’ve been procrastinating on.