• To the man I would have liked to know (Or, A Woman in Battle with Herself)

    by  • July 27, 2016 • 0 Comments

    I look at you, and you look at me.
    You look at me, and I am moved. For the first time in a long time.

    A simple hello can lead to a million things, they say.

    I would have liked to say hello – and the rest.
    I would have liked to smile at you, with abandon.
    I would have liked to sit down beside you, and talk, and look into your eyes, and at your lips.
    I would have liked to feel your touch.
    I would have liked to meet you somewhere, with intent.
    I would have liked to know your thoughts, and explore the inside of your head.
    I would have liked to let go to the possible.

    But I hold in my hello, avert my eyes, deny my smile, and close the door on the million things, because someone else is relying on you, and someone else is relying on me.

    I hope, if ever you think of me, if ever you are not relied on any more, and I am not relied on any more, that you will not remember me as cold and cruel. I don’t know what else to do.

    Is there anything left?

    by  • July 27, 2016 • 0 Comments

    You said you didn’t want a relationship.

    I wanted fun, cuteness, intimacy, sex, friendship and company without the strings. Without the labels. Without the ownership.

    I don’t get jealous and I like my freedom. I love my freedom.

    I thought it was a good plan. Was it not?

    So how did everything become the opposite of casual? How and why did it get so bad?

    How is it that you were not yourself? That we were not ourselves?

    I can’t even fathom what changes led you to believe I was open to being treated badly! It’s not what I signed up for and you know it. Right? I didn’t sign up for emotional abuse. Outside of the bedroom, I didn’t sign up for anything that even so much as resembled physical abuse! I didn’t sign up to being yelled at! Screamed at! What on earth could ever lead you to believe I’d appreciate the shock of being kicked out of your house the middle of the night? Twice?

    You and I both know I was not, am not some girl you brought home for a one night stand. I at the very least expected in all the years of knowing one another, that you’d have valued me enough to treat me better than this! As a friend would!

    I have to hand it to you. You did a magic job at flipping this all around on me!

    I still standing at the finish line, frozen, shocked and devastated as a consequence of your inability to take responsibility for your actions!

    You have twisted everything to suit yourself, I can’t believe the extent to which you flat out refuse to accept anything other than the issues having anything to do with a relationship status! You’re just using a status as your immunity card, and in doing so I can’t hold you and you refuse to accept accountability for your actions!

    You were so cruel!

    How can you overlook the hurt you inflicted on me – not as a consequence of a status, but as a consequence of being so cruel – in favor of your own bullshit?
    How can you be so ignorant as to assume you know what my thoughts and reasoning are?

    I loved you. I loved you for you. I loved what we had and who were were. I wasn’t looking for any changes before it blew up n my face! Is that okay? Do I get permission to have my own feelings and express them in the way I see fit, – if all the while I maintain respect for you? Is that okay?

    I speak my truth. I feel like you don’t really know me at all when you overlook this characteristic as integral to my nature. Have you never seen me put myself on the line? Have you ever seen me avoid speaking the truth? To my own detriment, I never even leave space for others to read between lines.

    So there – if you can believe it- , what does my honestly tell you? Perhaps if I ever get the chance to tell you in person why I reacted as I did, you could consider treating my truth ad a valid?

    But we don’t talk anymore. I’m not happy about it. it’s sad and it’s crazy!

    It seemed like you had a bitter reaction when you said you wanted more. I have so many questions I am too afraid to ask. It’s especially tricky when I am to expect anything I say or do at this point will just be held up used against me, perhaps even twisted to fit you’re blaming everything on my supposed inability to value that which you didn’t want?

    Oh dude, It’s never going back to the way it was. Especially when it’s all wrecked.
    I’m at a loss. I don’t believe this is who you are and I find it hard to walks away without resolve. You seem to have zero interest in finding out what, if anything can be salvaged.

    I don’t expect you will ever come across this letter. But should you,
    I guess that’s why my accusations may seem quite aggressive. I’m still working it out! If you do, please call me!


    I miss you, that beautiful sexy man I knew before all this madness. At this stage, I’m hoping for a sign that you miss me also. It’s up to the universe. I really did have the best of intentions, and for as much as I have not addressed it in this letter I can be sure I was just as much a head fuck as you turned out to be. Perhaps the logical conclusion is to accept whatever we had, it just wasn’t strong enough to survive the drama.. If and when we ever get back to a place of mutual understanding, I know full well we couldn’t go back to the way it way, casual, and thereby lies the next problem I suppose.


    by  • July 26, 2016 • 0 Comments

    If I could pick and choose friends, I would. There would be about three people I wouldn’t pick and I feel horrible about it but it’s the truth. They seemed to have caused most problems in our friendship. It’s nothing like gossiping or being jerks. Our views are opposite and they aren’t open to others opinions and I’m not one who’s opinion changes easily. I haven’t been able to attend any parties lately and that makes me happy. Hopefully I will be able to drift off and make new friends.
    I’m really sorry everything happened the way it did. I love you all so much. You helped shape me but it’s time for a change I think.

    But These Nights

    by  • July 26, 2016 • 0 Comments

    By Day
    I’m happy.
    I’m calm.
    I’m the naïve boy.

    But These Nights
    I’m lost.
    I’m distraught.
    I’m a broken soul.

    I keep letting her hurt me.
    All she brings is misery.
    My happiness is with another.
    But she’s scarred me.

    By Day
    She’s kind.
    She’s playful.
    She’s the flirty teenager.

    But These Nights
    She’s a executioner.
    She’s a haunting ghost.
    She’s farther gone than me.

    My heart belongs to another,
    But she fucks with my head.
    I want her away,
    But the misery has become normal.

    Why is this world on my shoulders?
    I feel gone and useless.
    How could anyone care?
    If I deny myself a real life.

    Every Night I think about ending it.
    For the few who would care,
    I stay.
    But how much time can one spend in the dark?

    These Nights don’t seem to end.
    With her I’m in a hell.
    But the Daylight is right in front of me.
    I’m scared touching it would just make it dark.

    If I’m so lost,
    is it even possible to rejoin the world?
    The world of happiness and light.
    A world of calming rain and thrilling storms.

    Could the one I really love accept such a broken boy?
    This Storm I want to be lost with forever.
    Could I put her through my helplessness?
    What if I’m just too lost for her.

    My sleepless Nights.
    My painful dreams.
    The lost pathetic child,

    These Days
    Maybe things could change.
    But These Nights
    The world I carry is getting too heavy.

    Maybe just maybe,
    A better storm awaits…


    Now would have been a better time

    by  • July 26, 2016 • 1 Comment

    I said and did everything in my power to push you away. I’m sorry.

    I was the worst version of myself. I’m still ashamed.

    I couldn’t stand loving you as I did. I couldn’t breathe.

    I needed to regain control, not of you, but of myself, my life.

    Until then, I thought it was unrequited love. I never thought about the consequences. I never considered the feelings were mutual.

    And then you had me believing. It was as if I’d got it all wrong. You seemed to want me to believe it was reciprocal! I never agreed to falling in love this way! Could I have seen the consequences of doing so I would have fought it years ago. I’d have refused to buckle. I felt so betrayed when I seeing what I thought was you wanting more, I may as well have been a mouse, lured by cheese, deceived and consequently trapped. I could think of nothing worse than to be at your mercy. I didn’t want to be conquered.

    I was so afraid.

    In spite of my dreams for us, those dreams I have never shared with you, I could only cope with much as there was before. I wanted to come and go with no hope for better.

    Even in what looked like moving forward I was consumed with grief for what was.

    This new thing, something like progression, I as as desperate for you to help me overcome my fears, and I was for you to let me down.

    And if I wanted it to end, I couldn’t act on it. I didn’t want to, nor would I have been able to cope with feeling entirely responsible for leaving something I wasn’t sure of, something that could have been wonderful. I didn’t want to be responsible as the one to end it. I couldn’t. And yet, I was destroyed with the feeling I was only ever waiting to be hurt and disappointed.

    And yet, you remain without sympathy? Refusing to understand?

    I know it’s all wrong and on the same note, I did the best I could.

    I’m unable to tell if your ending it was something I pushed you into doing. I have to figure you would have put a stop to it anyway, you’d have legitimized my fears.

    I suppose I’ll never see you again, after all these years.

    I have no choice but to move on with my life believing you didn’t care, and yet my heart says otherwise.

    Things are different now, somewhat, I needed time to adjust, real time, it’s been six months and as much as things could be different now that’s what I mean when I say it needs to go slowly (and yet it’s been ten years). what the fuck is wrong with me? It can’t be all my fault. It just can’t be!

    I would be really to take a step forward, but I figure it’s too late this time, and it seems you don’t want me anymore anyway.I don’t know.

    I am afraid of seeing you even, I’m so ashamed for my reactions, I behaved in a manner that is foreign to myself, and that too was yet another thing that scared me.

    Gosh, please don’t say whatevs, please don’t minimise it.

    An Open Letter to the Man Who I Thought Would Change

    by  • July 26, 2016 • 0 Comments

    An Open Letter to the Man Who I Thought Would Change:

    Dear Ex,

    You need to learn how to treat others right before you trick another girl to fall for you.

    You broke my trust from the start, the choice I made to give you another chance was my fault. But the way you pushed my trust, that is on you.

    You cheated, lied, and never thought about how your actions affected me. I thought I could trust you with my secrets, with my problems, and my body. I felt like I was never enough for you.

    At the beginning of our relationship, I felt like you truly did love me and you did have the potential to prove to everyone you are capable of changing for the better, but then I was blinded by your love, that I didn’t see the red flags you were violently waving in front of me all this time.

    Whenever we hung out, you were always so quick to find other plans to fill up your time after you “had” to hang out with me. I would invite you to do things and you would come but then make plans to leave in front of me. I stayed dedicated and did everything you asked me to you. I sat in the walmart parking lot for 2 hours with you while we wait for your “best friend” who was two hours late to hang out with you, rather than going to a movie marathon with my friends.

    On my graduation day, you left with a friend who I didn’t trust during my graduation party, to get drunk and to go to a bunch of graduation parties, especially my ex-best friend’s party. But the worst part is that you were late to when you said you would come back. I felt alone at my own party. I was stuck in a sea of people who I didn’t know and the only person (you) I thought I could count on, left to get drunk.

    Even on my birthday, after spending a day with me and going to a late movie, you still wanted me to drop you off at your buddy’s house so you can hang out with him with 10 minutes before you would have to leave due to your curfew. You were always so quick to hangout with your friends. I always felt like I was a chore rather than a priority in your life.

    Then you suddenly were always quick to hang out with my group of girlfriends, which hurt that you didn’t really ask whenever you wanted to hang out with a bunch of girls alone. At the beginning, you used to ask me but it slowly started to go away. You started hanging out with them alone, while I would always be stuck at work or away on vacation. Then I would find out later that there were weird vibes or I should be concerned about certain friends with you. I confronted you and you were so quick to anger and making me feel guilty for even thinking that something was up. You tricked me into ignoring my instincts about people. I was so blinded by love that I replaced it with “surviving through a rough patch.”

    You knew from my birthday on that this was gonna end, but you waited till now to end things. You told everyone before you told me that this was the end.

    You constantly lied to me even though you convinced me you were telling the truth.

    I will give you credit for the mature break and break up… even though there were rough patches of you being a jerk and I doing the same to you. I understand that this was hard for you too, at first. (The key word in that last sentence was “at first.”) I understood the pain, I felt the pain with you because I was truly in love with you and I was holding on to the hope you and I could work out in the future. I prayed for you, I defended you, and I tried to be your friend, like you wanted. But then my not so loyal friends, started acting like spies to you. They betrayed me for you. One of them, betrayed me so she could use you as a cheap screw. She told me she was jealous of your size and looks. She just saw you as a piece of meat. Congratulations, a girl used you as a cheap screw and you used her as a tool to hurt me even further then you already had.
    I hope you don’t knock her up since sex isn’t pleasurable for you if you have to wear a condom. (How inconsiderate of you, by the way.)

    What hurt the MOST, is the fact after 8 months of dating and 10 months of being friends, you still didn’t understand or know my character or how I treat my friends. You attacked me with lies about how I treat my friends like dirt and that I am a horrible person. And sitting here, I realize that I am amazing to my friends. I take my friends on dates. I am there when they need a shoulder to cry. I give my attention to friends who I know would appreciate it and not take advantage of me. We differed in which friends were loyal to me. You don’t get to tell me who you think I need to remain friends with. I did nothing wrong and you have no right to make me feel like I did something wrong.

    And maybe you should take a look at how you treat others and how you treated me. Shortly after this drama with my ex-friends and you happened, your acclaimed “best friend” told me about how you have been smoking the whole time we were together. And when my best friend camp back from camp, she told me that you started smoking and told her, “Don’t tell Jill.” That absolutely killed me. You asked my best friend to lie to me about what you are doing. The sad part is that all of my friends knew you were doing this and I found out after we break up. You tricked me that well. I told you everything I did. I was completely honest with you in every way and you never could do the same with me.

    So this is what you have done for me, you have made me stronger. And you have helped me learn how to take the high road rather than sinking down to your pitiful level of immaturity. And if you want to prove that you have freedom, then you would not have hurt others and done stupid stuff to prove that. Freedom is when you can be responsible and prove to everyone that you aren’t as stupid as they think you are. You show them that you have grown up and can handle the real world, but so far you have failed to do that.

    So thank you, as my friend, who doesn’t even know you said, “You dodged a bullet.” I certainly did dodge a bullet because you obviously don’t know how good you had it. I did exactly what you asked me to do, so this is obviously not an issue with me, you are having issues with yourself. I am so great that you aren’t pulling me down into the problems you have. I just hope you don’t shut every single person who loves you out because I know you certainly did that to me. If you keep doing this to your family and friends who TRULY love you, then you, sir, have hit rock bottom. Some people think jail, alcohol, and drugs are rock bottom. But I think rock bottom is the point where you realize you have no one there. When you stand in a crowded room and you feel completely alone, that is rock bottom. And the people you pushed or shut out of your life, you realized are the only people who actually cared about you and your soul are now gone because YOU pushed them away. That is rock bottom is when you abandoned yourself.

    So I hope saying, “I am single, 18, and its summer, and I will do whatever the hell I want,” was worth it. Because I will never forget that moment when you shattered whatever was left of my heart. And you left me to clean up the mess you made. I had to clean myself up and I had to pick up my own pieces off the hot pavement on that horrible summer night.

    I hope you think about the effect you have on the person you are dating or possibly marrying someday, because whatever you do affects them; before, during, and after the relationship. Stop thinking with your dick and start listening with your heart and conscience, if you even still have one. Have fun hitting rock bottom alone, because I don’t know if I can even stick around with the small sliver of hope you could possibly change.


    The Girl who thought We were going to live happily ever after.