I felt I needed to get this off my chest, because it’s been a year now and I still can’t stop thinking about you. My friends and family don’t want to hear anymore. That goes to show how obsessed I am. I desperately want to pour my heart out. I really can’t keep holding onto to this. Nobody wants to hear my pain. This is how the story starts. I use to leave at a residential college. I lived there for one and a half years. I never had a boyfriend there or in my whole life. I just got rejected by two guys. I was always obsessed with guys. This good looking and smart Jamaican guy moves in next door to me. He is 10 years older than me. It was immediate, but he seduced me. He didn’t really I fall for people too easily back then. I was the first person he met when he first moved into town. I showed him around college. He was being really friendly. He invited me to his room often, but I have a lot of guy friends and this is normal for me, they are like my bros. I got the vibe he was a creep, he would always ask to touch my breasts, but I didn’t think he was serious and I just passed it of. He would say all this intelligent and inspiring stuff. Next thing I know I develop a crush on him. I ask him out to the tallest building in my town. That night when we get back he asks for a massage, and then I want to lie next to him because I have always wanted to know what it would be like to lie next to a guy. He warns me it could lead to sex. I say no I won’t lie next to you. He tells me to and I do. Next thing you know I lose my virginity. All consensual. I sleep with him for the next two and a half months. I get very attached. Some nights were torture because I got the feeling he was after other women. I couldn’t bear it. I tried to end it because I read the messages he went to my best friend at college. He of course being new, does not know she is my good friend. It confirmed what I suggested. I try to end it but he just brushes it of, I end up in bed with him again. I feel like shit, because I know deep down I am not the only woman. I don’t feel special. I keep sleeping with him. My friend in class, who also lives at the college, tells me that he tried to sleep with his friend. I breakdown. It was the night I left town to go home. He also took her to the tallest building in town, where I took him. I feel even more like shit. I am almost hysterical. I sleep with him the last time the day I finish my exams. I go home. And he pounces on another girl. He is in his mid thirties but he looks like he is in his twenties, that is what he likes to think. He targets young Asian girls that are barely legal, because they are easy targets. They don’t dob on him. I am Asian girl too. He makes me sick sometimes. But still I was so obsessed with him. Even to this day I can’t get over him. My heart aches for something I will never have. I wanted a relationship. I saw him a few days ago, my heart ache come back. When he saw me he didn’t give a damn about me. I guess I was in crowd of people. It was the first time I saw him in a long time. It was random. I was in the building he works in, I was sort of expecting it. Yesterday was the anniversary of me losing my virginity to him. He probably doesn’t even think about me or remember this. I listed to heartbreak songs all the time. My favourite is “Here without you” by three doors down. Somebody please console me, understand my pain. I know everyone says but you weren’t in a relationship it was all casual. It felt like a relationship from my end. A one sided one. Long story short I dobbed on him at college because you can’t have sex college and was played a role in getting him thrown out. One of the young girls complained about his predatory behaviour. I decided to leave too. It’s unhealthy but I just want to hug him again. I want to get in touch again. I know no good will come out of this. He has no respect for me or women. He is a sex addict. Needs it all the time. Even after I changed my number, he has no shame he still tried to contact me. No matter how hard I try I can’t help thinking about who he is with right now or where he lives.
Jesus Chirst I miss you so much tonight!! The last few days has made me realise how much I do miss you and love you. We say these things to eachother all the time but I think they very often get taken for granted. I can never ever ever truly express how much I fucking care about you and I’m sure you’re the same. It’s so frustrating and, I guess, funny in a way how everybody takes peoples nice and genuine words for granted. We’re so caught up in our insecurities and thinking the worst of everything that we can’t listen to the words that come out of family and friends mouths of encouragement and reassurance.
‘I love you.’ ‘I miss you.’ ‘You’re beautiful.’
These are just some of the things that go over our heads and are clouded by our own insecurities and bad thoughts which aren’t worth our time nor energy!
‘You’re worthless.’ ‘He didn’t text you cos he hates you.’ ‘Was that mean subtweet about me?’
Not worth a fucking bollox those ones. I never felt anything when people told me they loved me until I met you. The first time you said it just knocked me into a whole new dimension and I’ve never been happier to hear those words coming from you.
I miss you. I’ve been trying really hard to forget you, to forget we ever happened… but to say the time we shared didn’t mean anything would be a lie. At least on my end. I really don’t understand how something can seem so perfect, and fall apart so fast! I can’t stop thinking about how happy I was when I was with you, how nothing seemed to bring me down. Every single day was a good day… it almost felt like it wasn’t real. I can’t explain it… like that place when you aren’t asleep, but you aren’t quite awake yet. Just floating around in a dream. Thats how you made me feel. Like my heart was heavy and light at the same time.
I know things are complicated, but you you can’t deny that we were good for each other. We still could be if you would just open your eyes!! We’ve all been hurt before, but you can’t keep running back to your past because you’re afraid of the future and what it might bring. You’re throwing away something that could be wonderful, and last the rest of your life, for someone who has continued to lie and cheat and use and manipulate you for years. Why would you do that?! Be with someone who drives you to be a person you don’t want to be? You know as well as I do that she was the reason you tried to end it all. And did she come to see you when you were in the hospital? No. But I did. I was there for you when no one else was. I was your friend before we became anything else… though now I’m not sure what we were. Maybe I was just a rebound to you. But given the circumstances of our relationship- why would you use me as a rebound knowing what it would do to me and my family? Everything is ruined now… and I feel I’m to blame. I knew the consequences before anything happened, as did you. If you were’t sure about us, then you should have never crossed the line of our friendship. And maybe I’m to blame as well… I shouldn’t have let my feelings get the better of me. I should’ve known better. It’s far too late to change that now. I do wish that you would at least talk to me, let me know where things stand… let me know if there is any chance you and I could still be together. I can’t wait for you forever, and I won’t. I don’t deserve that.
There’s just so much I wish I could say to you, and I don’t think I’ll ever get the opportunity to. I really do hope you are doing well… and if you do choose to be with her, I hope for your sake, and for the kids sake, that it works out this time…. I just want you to be happy. I want the kids to be happy. Please be smart and think about them… I miss them so much it hurts… and I know my parents miss them. But we’ve known for a long time that there was a great possibility we wouldn’t get to see them.. She would have taken them out of our lives even if the things between you and I had never happened… We just moved things along a little faster I guess.
I wish I could tell you what you mean to me… I miss you more than you know.
I keep hoping one day you’ll see me. The real me. The husk of a woman you’ve left in your wake. But you never do. You see only you. Your own lovely reflection in the white of my eyes. You ruined me… The woman I was. And you’ll never understand the depth of that loss. You took a fresh, kind, naive, unspoiled girl, and taught her, with as much callousness as you could muster, that she was neither valuable, nor valid. That her feelings were inconsequential, and that even if uttered out loud, they would only fall on deaf ears. You made sure she felt silly, and small, and weak, everyday. Made sure her worries were silenced by lies, and shoved down into her core where they wouldn’t make any more noise. Your selfishness knows no end. And despite your deeply held belief that you’re a hero, set apart to change the world, deep down you know as I do, that you would burn it to the ground in a second if you thought it might bring you even a moment of praise or attention. But I can’t say that to your face. I can’t say anything of this to your face. So here it is B: I hate you. I love you, and I hate you for what you did to me when you were supposed to be protecting me. You’re a faint shadow of the man you believe yourself to be, and when you’re alone you’ll see that more clearly. You’re about to lose the only person who’s still on your team. And when you’re finally really alone… I hope the realization of what you did and what you are, burns like fire in your heart. Don’t do this to another girl when I’m gone. Have the courage to look yourself in the mirror and see what you really are.
Sometimes it becomes hard waiting, waiting to meet someone who is worth the effort. Someone who you don’t have to settle for, but someone who is exactly what you need. Someone who compliments your faults and enhances the best parts of you. Someone who you can finally think to yourself “hey maybe they’re the one.” Because isn’t that the most important part of life? Finding someone you can be your utmost self with, and them loving you regardless. Someone you can adventure the world with, and never doubt that they are exactly who you would want by your side while you experience these breathtaking things. To me, that seems like the most amazing thing any of us could ever hope for, all we have to do it wait and hope that something that could happen for us.
We have stayed up all night talking five times in the past few weeks. Talking about everything. You are so fucking smart. You know so much. You perceive everything. To hear from your lips that I am cool, and attractive, and smart, and kind was probably the biggest confidence boost I’ve had in a long time. But I know I shouldn’t be getting my self-confidence from the opinions of other people. No matter how cool they are. It’s not healthy. My self-esteem needs to come from within. But I guess it can’t hurt to have someone who will help me build it up.
I think you are my soulmate. You’re my best guy friend and I do think I’m in love with you. But so is your girlfriend. And I can’t do this. I can’t be around the two of you. It physically hurts my heart to see you two together.
What am I supposed to do when I think we’re perfect together but you’re already seeing someone else? How can I move on to someone else when I know that given the choice, I would always choose you? Is that fair to move on to someone new when your heart still belongs to someone else?
But then at the same time, why do you have my heart? I don’t have you, so why do you have my heart? Its not fair. Well, unrequited love is a bitch.
So, I don’t know what I want to accomplish in this letter. It’s nice to write it all out but then again it’s such circular logic that seeing all written down makes it even more confusing.
I think I’m going to walk away. Distance myself. If you notice and care, great. If you don’t, I’ll have my answer.
For you may be my soulmate, but what if I’m not yours?
Until you miss me,
your best girl (space) friend
Well, I’m in a bit of a pickle, aren’t I? What kind of relationship starts off with two people saying, “Whatever you do, don’t tell so-and-so?” Not the healthy kind, I’ll tell you that much. I knew the fact that we always like the same kind of guys would be a problem sooner or later. I feel guilty, like I’m getting a reputation as a man-stealer, even though he never belonged to you. But you met him first, kissed him first, so I guess you had first dibs, even though he told me in as many words that he couldn’t reciprocate your feelings. You never let on to how you’re feeling. If he hadn’t told me, I would have never known that you liked him at all. You never share, never open up, you’re never vulnerable. Best friend, I want so much for you to be happy. Your anger at the world, while justified, is one of the reasons why he was in my bed last night instead of yours.
He sees people, the way they truly are. He notices everything and he told me that I was kind. I don’t feel kind. I feel sneaky and selfish. I feel like a bad friend. I feel like I’ve been down this path before. It all seems eerily familiar. Of course, you’re a different person than the last person I “stole” from. You won’t curse me out in public like they did. When you find out, you’ll just slip away, stop answering my calls, never tell me another secret, never ask me for my help again, and I will probably deserve it.