• Just thinking out loud- Looking for feedback

    by  • November 26, 2014 • 6 Comments

    I’m so confused about everything. I know that when I met “Carl” I was still stuck on “John” and I wasn’t looking for anything. Even though I was having a great time with Carl for several months when ever John wanted to hook up, we did. I wanted things between me and John to workout. Even though I know they never will. He always makes it clear he isn’t interested in anything more than just sex. I then decided to end things for good with John and focus on me.

    During this time I also distanced myself from Carl and now months later we still hangout and I continue to get mixed signals from him. He calls and keeps in touch but when we go out in large groups he ditches me and flirts with other women. Then he still calls and wants to act like everything is okay. Well, I realized Carl and me aren’t compatible and since I was hurt, I hooked up with John again. Which made my confusion even bigger.

    I can’t stay quiet and pretend things are fine between me and Carl. I feel used and hurt. I don’t want Carl to call me or text me. He is so oblivious to my feelings or how his actions make me feel. I need space to think. I’m starting to have feelings for him and I’m afraid they aren’t mutual. How do I tell him without coming off as crazy that I need him to leave me alone. I need him to be honest with me.

    As for John, I’m not sure I want to continue to hook up with him because sex is okay but never great. If I do continue I will put distance between us so I don’t get attached to him again.

    I need some advice. Please no judgmental comments just looking for some honest feedback. Maybe the best thing to do is ditch both and find someone new. But dating is hard. All I really want is a good person who can give me companionship and emotional intimacy. A little physical love doesn’t hurt either. I just need to protect my heart. I care about people too easily.

    I hope you get better

    by  • November 26, 2014 • 0 Comments


    I will always love you. Literally always. And I know you still love me too. I can’t be around you when you’re like this. We’d destroy each other and probably everyone around us. So I hope you keep searching and you find your Light again. I am finding mine within myself and always sending love back to you.

    We said forever,

    You’re the reason

    by  • November 26, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Mom, Dad,

    I’m not really OK. I know every time we see each other, I act happy and I seem like I have things together, but really that’s all fake. But I can’t tell you why…I can’t tell you exactly what is wrong. Dad, you said you are proud of me. And Mom, I know you feel the same way. But when I hear it, I feel guilty. I don’t know what to say because if you knew what was really going on, it would destroy you. And I love you both so much that I can’t bear to see the smile fade from your faces. I know you would listen, and I know it would help to talk about things. And I know you would still love me and I would still love you, but I just can’t do it. I need you to still think of me as your little boy. Not as a man who has taken such a wrong turn. And since I can’t talk to you about it, I need to leave. I need to be disconnected from everything, from everyone. Even from you. I need to start over. To have a chance to be the innocent son you think me to be.

    But I can’t go. I can’t have that distance I need. Because I also need you. You are the reason I feel guilty, but it’s not a bad thing. I look up to you is all. I want to be like you both. Because you have done it right. And I have done it wrong. People say college is a place to change. And I sure have changed. But I hate how I’ve changed. You raised me properly – I had such a great childhood. But I’ve thrown everything away now. I need to get it back. And so I have to go.

    I’m sorry that I have gone full circle with this. I don’t want to mess with your heads. I just want you to know how much I love you, and how much it hurts that I have to say goodbye for now. I just need to fix myself. To make myself better. Because I want you to be proud of me, but I want it to be real. So goodbye, Mom, and goodbye, Dad. Please know that I will be thinking of you. Even though I won’t be able to contact you, even though I wont’t be able to see you. I will think of you, and I will return to you one day.

    I love you,

    Your son

    I dont know what else to do

    by  • November 26, 2014 • 2 Comments

    I left a Happy Bday note on your page. It was lost in the malay of all your friends. I left a poem I wrote for you on my page but you never said Thank You. I sent you some “Nice” pics as a loving gift I only share with you. You forgot to say Thank You. You forget a lot these days. I’m feeling way too convenient. How stupid was I to think I was in any way special. I just fill another need. I teeter back n forth between loving you and wanting to shove your face in the dirt and call you a womanizer. I’m way to nice to you. Yeah. I’m out dis b*tch! Hate it for ya. Way to lose.