It is literally all your fault. You made me this way. It is your fault I am an alcoholic schizophrenic fucked up child. I am fucking fourteen. What makes you think it is okay to manipulate me? Your own goddamn child! How do you think Ava is going to turn out? She is gonna be
Read more →I’m drunk sorta, well i’m tipsy. I just said what I said to you to act as if I didn’t care if the truth be told, I don’t want to think of u doing anything with (‘them) i’m sorry for saying it like that but it’s the way I feel. I want you I love
Read more →You’ll never know what you mean to me, You will never comprehend the excitement the jolts through me every time our eyes meet. I am grateful for the times we’ve had even if you don’t think twice about them or me for that matter; but things have changed. You are not the same boy who I could laugh and talk to about anything, the only person i could tolerate for such a long period of time. But things have changed, I am pushed into the abyss and forgotten. You were never mine but you have no idea how badly I wanted you to be. I replay that night in my head always, the night we kissed, the night I realized that you were more than just a friend to me. But things change, I can’t call you a love intrest, or a friend, you are now just a stranger with memories deferred into the depths of my clouded mind. I wish I could lie and say that I didn’t miss you or that I deserve better, but I don’t want better. I want you every flaw, every part of you. I find myself wondering if i ever creep into your mind late at night because I am always thinking about you no matter what. I see you everyday but you see through me for a reason I am unaware of and that scares me.
I miss you, not just you but the handful of other wonderful book stores that have closed their doors. I hate all the new technology that makes everything so easy access, cheap and cold. I hate having to try to find books on my damn computer, and then ruin my eyes trying to read the bright screen. I hate pressing the mouse pad too hard and skipping pages ahead, having then to search for where I was.
I hate having to buy books from amazon, and then waiting 3-4 weeks or succumbing to paying astronomical prices to get what I want right away (meaning in under 2 weeks). Doing all of these “convenient” things just means I miss out on the outing, it means I don’t get to visit my bookstore “friends” who are all put out of work. It means I don’t get to sit in the small cafes, drinking my chai teas while perusing the books I’m interested in. It means I no longer get to strike up conversations with new people, have opportunities to make new friends.
Borders was almost my second home and it’s already been, what 2 years? I still get a lump in my throat. Stupid amazon, stupid kindle bullshit…
The truth is that you won’t let go because you are afraid this is the closest to happiness or love you’ll ever have.
But feeling a shadow is not the same as feeling the real thing.
Let go.
Give yourself (and them) a chance at real happiness.
You’re a cock.
And I’m stupid, I know better than to trust you and have feelings for you. But I do, against my will almost and maybe it is just biology and our genes wanting to join – cos you’re not that great, you are just a fucking man, a cheater and really there are many more like you.
You had told me things then that made you evil, cos you were actually fucking women behind my back at the same time, fucking your future wife, doing it on purpose to punish me, punish me for hurting you. Making me suffer by drawing me in and letting me love you.
I never thought enough of myself to think I could hurt you then but I was still a kid, dont put this on me. This is about your ego, your pride, and your wife, your midlife crisis.
You know I’m good and my heart is open and I never deserved that sort of revenge. You know that fucked me up. I believe the guilt ate away at you for 10 years and you found me again cos you wanted confession, you wanted to hear you are not a cunt.
But I have always thought that you were good, cos I am stupid. And you see that now. Your charm worked, well done. I care deeply about you, cos I am stupid. In my mind our souls touched once, we saw everything. I’ve never met anyone like you, so like me, you got me really deep and you spark me. I was so convinced we would always have fun together. Cos I am stupid.
Just go away forever, be happy, be deeply in love, satisfied and with your soul mate.
Don’t let me fan that little flame, those stupid ideas about how you are my one. You know I harbour them and you poured petrol on them cos you needed to warm your hands. It is the same again. You are a cock, you had conversations you shouldn’t have and watched me burn up all my resistance to you. Then you realised what you had done and took your tiny balls and fucked off again. You are a cunt.
I hope you wistfully think of me as your sexual equal, and not the sad little stupid girl I have become because I couldn’t help myself.
I wish you could have seen how happy I was briefly when I just let you wash around my mind. That was nice, just like that small window when we hung out that night. But I knew then it wasn’t real and I am stupid and I did it anyway, but not stupid enough to give you 100%.
I will save that 100% for someone who deserves it.
If you cant be real with me don’t ever speak to me again.
I’m better than this, better than you and your fucked up soap opera drama.
The worst part for you is I believe you really love me, the way I love you, I believe you feel obliged to her and that if you don’t man up, sort your shit and grab this you will live one of those cookie cutter lives. Work hard, House, mortgage, kids, responsibilities, drinking and buying entertainment – cos you will be bored, a little dissatisfied. And that is how I will think of you now, you can come off your pedestal and crawl behind your white picket fence.
A sad little man, with tiny little balls, sitting and making stupid dramas in his life because he is bored and scared of having what he wants. I think if you let this pass I will lose my respect for you. I will think less of you and maybe for the first time I will see you for who you really are. I guess I’m not thaaaaaaat stupid…. you cock.
I feel like you are hiding because you are either abusing meds or you are abusing drugs and or alcohol. IF you are, you know I’m here for you if you want help.
I’m not over you, but I don’t feel so obsessed, so desirous of your attention. The yearning for you that was so loud it was palpable day and night has died down to a negligible background hum.
It has been nice, but at the same time I miss it. I don’t miss the lows of obsessing about when you will contact me, feeling paranoid as to whether I’ve said anything to upset you and make you ignore me, but I am missing the buzz I used to get when you would turn your full attention to me – that high of feeling like I am special to you, a key player in your life.
I don’t want you to become just another face in the crowd, but I’m guessing that’s the way it may have to be, because I think that’s probably who I am to you – a somebody rather than a Somebody – and continuing to conduct our relationship as if I am more important to you than I am is just delusional on my part.
The fact that I feel sad but resigned at this realization instead of desperately tortured tells me that I’ve turned a corner.
But still, I hope that you will chase me around that corner and tell me that I’m mistaken and that I mean more to you than I think I do 
You won’t, though. Even if you value me more than I realize, you’ll likely let me slip away and a year or two from now will wonder what happened to me, and assume that I am happy doing whatever it is I’m doing, getting on with my own life just fine without your company, as I did before we met.
That’s just the way you are.
Your unassuming nature is what I fell in love with about you, and now it’s what bugs me about you the most. It probably serves me right as that’s how I interact with most people myself. I bet you’ll never believe that, because you’re one of the few people who have been privy to my intense side; I knew that with you I needed to show every side of me, rather than just the ones I let everyone else see.
I’m still not sure why, exactly, but it was important to do so.
Maybe it was all for me. Maybe I was looking for permission to love myself, and I could only do that through you, and that’s why I have clung to you so tightly. I hope that’s not the case, but I have to admit that it’s a possibility. And if it is true then I’m sorry, because I have not been loving you for who you are, but for who I am able to be when I have your attention.
From now on I promise to love you exactly as you are, take you as you come, even if in doing so it feels to me as if we’re losing some of the depth of our friendship. I think that will be the best and healthiest thing for both of us. Let’s see how that goes.
The road that you and I have traveled has been a long bumpy one. And, yes, it has been one hell of a ride. Your mood swings, bad attitude, and stubborn personality made sure of it. But through everything I kept driving because I know the rough patches would eventually turn into a smooth ride, like always. You’ve built me up, and have beaten me down. You’ve confused me so much so that I’m constantly tired from thinking about our situations so much. Sometimes I want to pull over, get out, and just continue my journey walking, alone. We are literally the definition of dysfunctional. And no matter how much you piss me off, and make me want to scream FUCK IT ALL, I can’t seem to do it. Because when I lay in the bed at night and your arms wrap around me….I’m at complete peace. So for little moments like that I put up with all the horrible ones. The fighting, breaking things, and the occasional physical abuse.
I’ve never been this girl. The girl who gets hit, or that cries all the time. I’ve never been the girl to put up with things that at time can seem unbearable. But now I am becoming her. I’m learning to “deal” with my fucked up relationship, and even though I’m coping I still find myself asking, ‘Do I deserve this. Is God punishing me for my past mess ups, or am I really this weak?’ Regardless of what the situation is…..I’m tired of the bullshit. If you’re not happy here….THERE IS THE FRONT DOOR! Just make sure you lock it on the way out…..and please leave your key.
Hi,
Can you stop being so annoying? One, he has a girlfriend. Two, you can have anyone else in the entire world so please don’t rain on other peoples’ parades unnecessarily. Other girls are way more in need than you are and don’t parade themselves around, constantly talking about it like you do. And if you’re really going to go after him, WHY would you make it public? You honestly don’t realize how dumb you make yourself look. Your hot douchebags are at the right level for you right now. Just keep using your looks to seduce them and leave the meaningful relationship opportunities to the girls who actually can handle them (and have been WAITING for them). You honestly don’t know how dumb you look. People get really annoyed with you. Just stop it.
Any other dumb whore who has gone after him can read this too. Though I never would, I’m angry enough to beat the shit out of you, so stop.