• Writing

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    So here it goes, I love writing, I love expressing the way I feel, I love putting my feelings into words and I love elaborating. It’s something I’ve learned to love as a way of relief. Writing is self relief, a way I can let go. But I don’t like sharing it because people judge,

    Read more →

    Hurt.

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I am a walking mistake. I loved you so dearly. I destroyed you. You’re the most beautiful woman and godly. I fucked up. I am miserable. I want your phone call. Your anxious laugh. Your blushing cheeks. I didn’t believe in the puzzle piece but you are my puzzle piece. To my first love, I

    Read more →

    Knowing You Meant the World

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    Hello,

    I hope everything’s going well for you, that you’re enjoying your time where you are, like you were when you first arrived there. It has been quite some time since we’ve spoken, almost two years since we’ve met in person. And yet. I have an inkling you know, through a mutual friend, how hard it was for me when you left. How angry I was, how shocked and how filled with disbelief I was. I’m no longer angry, I’m glad you are on your own, away from your family and making a life all your own. Now, the disbelief comes not from your sudden absence, but my mind’s determined hold on the memories of you. How can it still hurt this much, two years later? Why do I still ache when I miss you? I have liked others, flirted with a guy in a year-long thing that never quite amounted to anything. I’ve kissed someone else, and enjoyed it, but I never kissed you.

    And yet my heart still aches when I think about you, that hole still exits beneath my ribs and threatens to collapse my lungs. I still, even after this ridiculously long time, miss you. I don’t want to anymore. In my mind, I either forget you entirely, or ours paths cross again and we create something new. It hurts to think about you. To know I still miss you, still love you for who you were to me when you were still here, and still want to know how you’re doing makes me feel insane. Like I’m fixating and can’t move on. I’ve tried so hard, but it doesn’t work.

    So hello, again. I hope your life is everything you want it to be. I hope you love someone and think about them the way I did you. Because while I feel awful because of it now, knowing you was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

    With all my love,

    To my favorite

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    E-

    Our friendship has changed this summer. You were already the most important person in my life and that fact has only become more apparent. The days we’ve spent together, where just being in the same room was more important than talking. The nights we’ve spent together that have taken our friendship somewhere that it hadn’t gone before. All I want is to be close to you always, but we leave here in a week and a half.

    L says I’m in love with you, but it’s not that simple. I feel the most complete when I’m with you and need you in my life, whatever form that relationship takes.

    We leave in 10 days. Then, we go back to chats and texts, not knowing when we’ll see each other again. Our lives are intertwined from a distance, coming together for only short periods of time.

    But maybe, just maybe, this summer has changed that. Constant companionship won’t be possible, at least not right now, but maybe someday soon. Perhaps.

    Fuck you, you fucking fuck

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 2 Comments

    The Kingdom will forever be out of your reach. You keep on knocking, but you can’t come in. May you lead a long life. You deserve what awaits you.

    My brain is out of control

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    I find my brain really hard to live with. I don’t wanna change it, I just need to learn to control it.

    My ex once told me I am hypersensitive. That term to me makes a lot of sense. I’m a very passionate person and I very easily can take all things to heart. So she was right.

    When I think about my emotion level on a daily basis I’m either super stoked and happy or super sad.

    My mind is the kind of mind that constantly races with ideas and thoughts al day. There’s a voice in my head that narrates fucking everything and never shuts up. I fight with it sometimes.

    I’ve always felt wired to feel more negatively as a default feeling. There’s not I can really explain but when I think about to how I felt as a child I always felt angsty and upset about something under neath everything. Surface Austin and internal Austin are two different people.

    There’s a lot of self hatred. There always has been and I usually wonder if it’s because no one hated me so at some point I nominated myself to.

    I know there’s a good side to all of it though. I’m really compassionate, patient, and kind. I need to focus on those parts.

    Negativity is just so easy.

    Ok fine

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 1 Comment

    Well, I don’t know where to begin, but i’ll start with this… You know I love you, right? Love you with everything I have. I’m sure I have loved you since the very beginning of all of this. I wish I knew how to make it right, make things better. I never meant to lie or hurt you. If I ever did it was secondary to my confusion, I could never hurt you intentionally. Every day you consume my thoughts, I miss you. Just being in your company makes me the happiest person around. I only wish for us to be happily ever after, I would run away with you if that is what it took. Have I ever told you that I torture myself with those playlists? Everyday, all day. I do, I just cant help myself. You are the one, I know this. Do you?

    Bittersweet – to M

    by  • August 22, 2014 • 0 Comments

    M,

    It frustrates me that this is the only way I can convey my thoughts to you- not knowing if you will ever see this, but I had to give it one last shot. Chances are, if you are reading this, you are here for the same reason I am, and I can say “mission accomplished”. I have the slightest bit of lingering hope that something will lead you to this site, your eyes to these words, and your mind back to what we used to be.

    I’m not angry at you for leaving me. I’m not angry at him because he has you and I don’t. I’m here to say that the person you fell in love with is the same person sitting here typing this message to you right now. I admit, I had some struggles with an addiction I was fighting at the time, but, thankfully, I’ve fought through that, and I’ve been sober for over a year now. Alcohol makes one say and do irrational things – especially when the heart is broken. I wish I had been given the chance to explain some things to you, though. Unfortunately, I believe some “friends” misinformed you on things. They even got in my phone and sent you some things that were hurtful, and it was embarrassing on my part. I would have never said those things to you. I did some stupid things, but I did not say those hurtful things. Whatever. That’s not why I’m here anyways.

    I just want you to think back for a second to the way you felt that night I first kissed you. Remember laying in the grass by the water? I remember thinking life could not possibly become any better for me than it was in that very moment. I remember the moon lighting your face and creating the most beautiful sparkle in your eyes. I remember the way your hand felt in mine and how it lightly trembled because you were nervous. It didn’t last but for a few minutes, but I want you to know I would go through the pain of you breaking my heart all over again just feel what I felt in those few minutes.

    Although it seemed, at times, as if we were rock solid and nothing could divide us, we were fragile. Every “I love you”, “I’m so happy with you”, “I’m in love with you” seemed to be another brick to the wall between us and the world. Little did I know, you would be the one to tear it down. It’s okay, though. We had our time, our moment in time where we shined, and I would not take anything in the world for it. For whatever reason, you saw it best for me not to be a part of your future. I couldn’t have given you the world, my love, but, I swear I would have made you feel like the only person in it. Our time came to an end long before my love did, but I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for giving me the best time of my life.

    So, I guess this is my last goodbye. I’ll be moving on. I will never forget the way you made my heart feel for the short time you loved me. I lived – while you loved me. I have to do what’s best for me now. I have to focus on making the best out of what life has given me. I have to let you go. Wow – that was the hardest line to type. Goodbye, beautiful. Don’t forget about me. If God decided to take me from this world, please know in your heart that you were loved with everything in my being. I wish you all the happiness life can offer.

    I love you always,
    - Me