Category: To You

Dear Ruby,

I’d like to start off by saying that I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Mental health is no joke and I know it can get rough, extremely rough. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, no one should have to experience half the things you have. I sincerely hope one day you do find the peace and happiness you so deserve.

This being said I have some things I’d like to get off my chest. What you did to me was cruel. And while I have some understanding of why you did it due to what you’re dealing with that’s no excuse to hurt people.

When we started talking again I was cautious I really liked you from when we talked 4 years ago and when we stopped then that hurt too. But you eased my worries. You told me you felt terrible about what happened last time. That you never stopped liking me. And to really send it home you promised you wouldn’t do that again. That you wouldn’t hurt me again.

I had no reason to not trust you. A promise is a promise and until someone loses my trust I’ll give it to them completely.

So we start hanging out again. And then we do more than just hanging out. We go to Flagstaff, we spend Halloween together, you introduce me to your friends and I introduce you to mine. And while I have a panic attack that one night you were so understanding about it. You weren’t angry, you didn’t hold it against me. You were just caring and gave me time.

It was like we never missed a beat from 4 years ago. We were Han Solo and Leia, Jim and Pam, but most of all we were Wubby and Cas. You came back into my life when I needed you most. You made my birthday so special, gave me one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. And when I visited my family for two weeks it was the longest two weeks of my life. All I could do was think about you and how much I missed you, I’ve never missed someone so much in my life.

And the love making and sex we had, I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. The kissing and moaning and going multiple times through the night. Watching your leg squirm as you came when I’d fuck you on the edge of the bed. But best of all was the cuddling after. Stroking your hair, rubbing your body and having you fall asleep in my arms.

And then the day I get back from Florida I come over to your place and in the midst of making love you tell me you’re falling in love with me and at first I was shocked but I was falling for you right back and you pulled me closer into you and gave me a kiss I’ll never forget.

Again things seemed so great after that. I’d bring you flowers and you’d always love them. Our late night shenanigans to iHop for coffee at 4am. We went sledding and had a wonderful time despite getting my sled stolen. And you fell asleep in my lap on the way home while I stroked your hair. When you got drunk playing Minecraft and called me your hero for saving you. There’s so many good memories I have of us.

We had a great Valentine’s Weekend. You seemed to love all gifts I got you and let me keep one of your spooky socks. We went and saw Lord of the Rings in theaters! And cried the whole time together. We saw the magician again at Chili’s and enjoyed frozen margaritas together.

You made me feel so wanted and loved. You always told me how big and wrinkley my brain was, how handsome you thought I was, how happy I made you. I loved everything about you and you showed me your insecurities and I loved those too. We made so many good memories together in such a short span of time.

It seems that was our last good weekend though. After that it was like your feelings for me had completely changed. I understand you wanted more time alone and to spend time with your family. You were and still are dealing with a lot. But it was like you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

It was agony. All I wanted to do was talk to my favorite person in the world but you didn’t want it back. I’d see memes I’d want to send you but never felt you’d want to see them. Or songs I’d hear that I’d want to share but you no longer wanted to hear them.

And then finally you tell me what’s going on. I knew it was coming, I could see the writings on the wall and I was waiting for the inevitable. You didn’t want a relationship right now. You need time and space to focus on yourself and get through what you need to get through.

It was like the last 5 months were all for nothing. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me like this again but you did exactly that. I would have supported you through it all Ruby, whatever it is you needed I would have been there to give it to you. You don’t have to go through all this alone. And I would have loved you to the very end.

I’ve felt so lost since you left. I can’t even talk to the person I love most anymore much less see them. You couldn’t even give me the chance to give you your last Valentine’s gift or say goodbye in person. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t eat. I’ve been questioning everything ever since. Did you ever love me? What did I do wrong? Did you meet someone else? Was I not handsome enough or did I not make enough money? Were you embarrassed to be around me?

I still think about you every day. I can’t get you out of my head. All the good times we had, late night discord calls and snuggled up weekends together. But thinking about it now doesn’t bring me happiness anymore it’s just pain. It just makes me tear up.

I still love you, maybe I always will. A part of me will always be your Cas. And I think what hurts the most is not knowing if you feel the same. Did it hurt at all when you had to leave? Why wouldn’t you let me say goodbye? Do you still love me? Did you ever truly love me? Do you miss me at all? I feel like I have no closure. I trusted you and loved you so much and it led me right back where I was 4 years ago only worse this time.

I’m not saying saying all this to hurt you. This has all just been eating away at me inside and I needed to let it out. This will probably be my last goodbye. Who knows maybe we can try again in another 4 years. I hope you feel better and achieve all your goals in life. Goodbye Ruby.

Love,
Casey

J,
at this point i don’t even want to know how you did it, how you got so close and especially how you feel like home even if i barely know you. this is probably a mistake, thinking about you how i do, i’m only going to get hurt, but why does that feel worth it in my head? i want you to need me as much as i need you and the fact that you don’t is killing me. i wait for a text that doesn’t come every single night, and then i fall asleep with a single tear, a little bit of the hope i put on you goes away with it. at this point, you made me hate james arthur. i miss you.

Why are you so quiet? U used to have SO much to say.

I miss the old days when we were just a couple of punks.

If you were a season you would be spring; full of sweetness, optimism and sunshine.
If you were a flower you would be a daisy; unpretentious and understated, but unmistakably beautiful.
If you were a colour you would be sage; cool, calming, and natural.
You have the soul of an angel and the heart of a saint, and there’s noone humbler or kinder than you.
You are delicate and vulnerable, yet forthright and strong. You are formidable, but welcoming. Private, but open. Careful, but generous.
You are special. Never change, and stay strong and true to yourself. You do not need to change.

Honey, it hurts me to see how Stockholm Syndrome got the best of you. Please self quarantine and make sure that you don’t pass it to other innocent souls.

Dear G,

We’ve never been together, and I’ve never told you how I feel, but I think you are pretty close to perfect. You are smart, principled, honest, beautiful, modest, and kind. I don’t think that there are any qualities you could want in a person, that you don’t have. You’ve not been 100% happy lately, and that makes me sad. It’s not my place to get involved as things are far too complicated, but please know I’ll always be there if you need me. I’m blessed to have you in my life, I’m only sorry we can’t be closer.

S

Of course, I understand it’s all about confidence. Like, literally, everything in life.

It’s rare, but at my very, very best, I am undefeated. If I care enough, I will not lose.

The rest of the time…. that’s where you come in. Partner.

Dear S,

i hate how much you dictate how i regard potential lovers now: guarded and skeptical. I don’t think your mind games deserve an iota of thought but here i am, fucked up and scared from your baiting.

i love you and i hate you. i wish i never met you. i wonder how happy I’d be right now if i never met you. i compare everyone to you. you don’t deserve to be a standard but im just so fucked up.

i am fucking tired. i’d appreciate it if id never be reminded of your presence.

Ironically lovingly yours,
H

“This is how she wants it.” That’s what the man said before I boarded the train. That part was crystal clear. But I woke up immediately after he said that. I thought about it all day. A lot of the dream is fuzzy now, but I know there was a burgeoning relationship between us. I don’t remember why I was living with your family, just that there were at least a couple times we were about to be intimate that one of your parents walked in and interrupted us, accosting me for taking advantage of you while I lived in their house. After one of these encounters I was told to leave. I walked by your room, to see you before I left. But your door was locked and it sounded like you were listening to sad/breakup music. So I walked out the door, (conveniently your house was right next to the train tracks), and I walked towards the train, seemingly waiting there for me. Then the man (train porter? your brother? Idk) came up to me and said “This is how she wants it.”

And like I said, I thought about it all day, but I figured it out in about the first 5 minutes I was awake. You want this to be Diana Prince and Steve Trevor, or maybe Princess Diana and Charles Windsor. Mary and Mr. Pamuk or Mary and Matthew. Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow, or Catelyn and Ned Stark, or maybe Talisa and Robb Stark. Juliet and Romeo. You want this to be a tragedy, in the classical sense. Two lovers who can’t be together because of impossible circumstances. But here’s the thing….

We can be.

Tell me I’m wrong.

do you ever think of me?
and if you do, what is it you think of?

remember always?