I’d like to start off by saying that I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Mental health is no joke and I know it can get rough, extremely rough. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, no one should have to experience half the things you have. I sincerely hope one day you do find the peace and happiness you so deserve.
This being said I have some things I’d like to get off my chest. What you did to me was cruel. And while I have some understanding of why you did it due to what you’re dealing with that’s no excuse to hurt people.
When we started talking again I was cautious I really liked you from when we talked 4 years ago and when we stopped then that hurt too. But you eased my worries. You told me you felt terrible about what happened last time. That you never stopped liking me. And to really send it home you promised you wouldn’t do that again. That you wouldn’t hurt me again.
I had no reason to not trust you. A promise is a promise and until someone loses my trust I’ll give it to them completely.
So we start hanging out again. And then we do more than just hanging out. We go to Flagstaff, we spend Halloween together, you introduce me to your friends and I introduce you to mine. And while I have a panic attack that one night you were so understanding about it. You weren’t angry, you didn’t hold it against me. You were just caring and gave me time.
It was like we never missed a beat from 4 years ago. We were Han Solo and Leia, Jim and Pam, but most of all we were Wubby and Cas. You came back into my life when I needed you most. You made my birthday so special, gave me one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had. And when I visited my family for two weeks it was the longest two weeks of my life. All I could do was think about you and how much I missed you, I’ve never missed someone so much in my life.
And the love making and sex we had, I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. The kissing and moaning and going multiple times through the night. Watching your leg squirm as you came when I’d fuck you on the edge of the bed. But best of all was the cuddling after. Stroking your hair, rubbing your body and having you fall asleep in my arms.
And then the day I get back from Florida I come over to your place and in the midst of making love you tell me you’re falling in love with me and at first I was shocked but I was falling for you right back and you pulled me closer into you and gave me a kiss I’ll never forget.
Again things seemed so great after that. I’d bring you flowers and you’d always love them. Our late night shenanigans to iHop for coffee at 4am. We went sledding and had a wonderful time despite getting my sled stolen. And you fell asleep in my lap on the way home while I stroked your hair. When you got drunk playing Minecraft and called me your hero for saving you. There’s so many good memories I have of us.
We had a great Valentine’s Weekend. You seemed to love all gifts I got you and let me keep one of your spooky socks. We went and saw Lord of the Rings in theaters! And cried the whole time together. We saw the magician again at Chili’s and enjoyed frozen margaritas together.
You made me feel so wanted and loved. You always told me how big and wrinkley my brain was, how handsome you thought I was, how happy I made you. I loved everything about you and you showed me your insecurities and I loved those too. We made so many good memories together in such a short span of time.
It seems that was our last good weekend though. After that it was like your feelings for me had completely changed. I understand you wanted more time alone and to spend time with your family. You were and still are dealing with a lot. But it was like you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
It was agony. All I wanted to do was talk to my favorite person in the world but you didn’t want it back. I’d see memes I’d want to send you but never felt you’d want to see them. Or songs I’d hear that I’d want to share but you no longer wanted to hear them.
And then finally you tell me what’s going on. I knew it was coming, I could see the writings on the wall and I was waiting for the inevitable. You didn’t want a relationship right now. You need time and space to focus on yourself and get through what you need to get through.
It was like the last 5 months were all for nothing. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me like this again but you did exactly that. I would have supported you through it all Ruby, whatever it is you needed I would have been there to give it to you. You don’t have to go through all this alone. And I would have loved you to the very end.
I’ve felt so lost since you left. I can’t even talk to the person I love most anymore much less see them. You couldn’t even give me the chance to give you your last Valentine’s gift or say goodbye in person. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t eat. I’ve been questioning everything ever since. Did you ever love me? What did I do wrong? Did you meet someone else? Was I not handsome enough or did I not make enough money? Were you embarrassed to be around me?
I still think about you every day. I can’t get you out of my head. All the good times we had, late night discord calls and snuggled up weekends together. But thinking about it now doesn’t bring me happiness anymore it’s just pain. It just makes me tear up.
I still love you, maybe I always will. A part of me will always be your Cas. And I think what hurts the most is not knowing if you feel the same. Did it hurt at all when you had to leave? Why wouldn’t you let me say goodbye? Do you still love me? Did you ever truly love me? Do you miss me at all? I feel like I have no closure. I trusted you and loved you so much and it led me right back where I was 4 years ago only worse this time.
I’m not saying saying all this to hurt you. This has all just been eating away at me inside and I needed to let it out. This will probably be my last goodbye. Who knows maybe we can try again in another 4 years. I hope you feel better and achieve all your goals in life. Goodbye Ruby.