Category: To You

There are 1,440 minutes in a day, 720 individual times appearing twice. So why do I feel like every time I look at a clock it’s your birthday?

Years ago, I was already in a similar situation. I was lucky to meet wonderful people, and they all changed me in ways I could never imagine. There was one person in particular who changed me most, and I will always be grateful for what this person has brought into my life. When this person disappeared, I was devastated, and I was so angry at myself because I let it happen. If I’m going to be honest, I still haven’t recovered from it. The fact that it was my own doing that caused it still haunts me.

Years later, you came like a breath of fresh air. I never thought you’d be the person to take that place I’ve reserved for someone else. A few days ago, I was about to repeat the same mistake I made years ago. I started shutting everyone out again, including you. It tickled my heart when I found out that you were upset when I didn’t talk to you-that you’ve been waiting for me, no one else. I’m sorry I’m not good at showing it, but I really appreciate you. Thank you for tolerating me, I love you so much. I hope you stay in my life.

I still think of you. No matter how much our lives has changed, you will always remain 1 of thee most beautiful woman in this world. I trust you are doing well.

N.carter

I’m sorry but I’m not just a warm body for you to confide your secrets and demons in. And I can’t just do the whole shut up and listen….right or wrong I took action I gave my advice I stood by your side. And you inturn consistency hurt me and stabbed me I the back…now it’s the same old story of the scared little girl who needs someone to pay attention, to listen, watch her self destruct and grind their teeth. Because I’m not allowed to express concerns, I’m not allowed to take action. I’m not allowed to love you the real you the sweetheart under you cold jadded and broken women you’ve become from all of your hell…

Fuck it stick your daggers in me make me feel useless, have me feel powerless I will shut up and listen, I will be that whatever you fucking need for the moment. Not for me but because I honestly give a shit about you.

I’ll take the risk the fourth time around just on the bases that I know you’re sorry and I’m sorry too. All I ask is please recognize that I’m human; another tiger trying to change his stripes. And above all I’m trying my best to forgive. Because I still owe you that debt of seeing what about myself I need to change to be happy.

We are the same type of broken and I’m willing to be your friend the 4th time around… however you know I’m no saint and I’m no fool there won’t be a 5th because as much as I love you and appreciate both the honest effort to forgive me and make up for what you’ve done to me…I’m finally at my limit.

Let me start off with I didn’t want to tell you I was moving to Portland like the way you found out. You looked so disappointed with me and it made me sad. I never want you to be disappointed with me. That disappointed look faded and turned into anger. I understand why you might disappointed with my move to Portland but anger I didn’t understand. I so badly want to ask you about it but what’s the point. It’s not like you are going to tell me it’s because you will miss me or still care for me. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could talk to you about it.

You promised me three times that you would not go back to her. Each time you gave a reason why. Her parents showed up at your house trying to fight you or keep breaking your heart and you tired of it, or you just don’t like her anymore. But after every one of those promises you have gone back to her. You lied.

I miss you. I hope you aren’t very angry with me. I really appreciate you, even if I’m not good at showing it. I love you so much.

From Russia with love

I recognize my value. It’s nice to have some people in my life that do too. I understand that most people won’t, and that is fine and perfectly normal. I want you to make me feel like I am good enough for you, but let’s be honest, when is that gonna happen? A recent jaunt to your neck of the woods, didn’t even bother reaching out. Not like you’d want to hang out or anything. It makes me feel a little sad, but it is what it is. I still like me, just the way I am, and with every potential to keep getting better. And if that’s still never good enough for you, I’ll find a way to be ok with that too. I cannot base my happiness on how you feel about me anymore; it’s well past time I look out for myself. I’ll always love you and wish you nothing but the best: what you deserve.

If there was a love note with your name on it,
It would be composed of each selfless, micro interaction
Where you helped my soul heal
From things I never could talk about
But somehow you always knew I needed to.
You were the exhale from my raging storm
And I will die peacefully
Still thanking  and kissing the steps that brought you to me.