Category: To You

to skater boy
its all bittersweet to realize that i find myself still looking at your stories or spotify profile to see the last artist you listened to but then the though of you not thinking of me runs over me and i doubt myself thinking i shouldnt think of you anymore, has it really come to this?

My neighbor April asks for a last minute favor to watch her daughter for a few hours after she was called in to help another nurse.
As I’m opening the door to wait for her, I’m instead greeted by my other neighbors son who speedily tells ne how their big puppy ran into his mother at the top of the stairs and caused their new baby to fly down the stairs. I realize the kid is starting to panic as hes getting stuck in the details of it and call my kid (hisbest friend )downstairs to distract him. The other kid comes by and heads upstairs to play some games. I get the kids some yoohoo and watch them playing the yard until his mother emerges teary eyed. I assure her it’s okay he knocked on our door and the kids had turned their attention to playing Pokémon instead of rehashing the mornings events. I take a moment to tell her about and incident where Iris fell down the stairs pretty early on and was miraculously unharmed after she tells me the baby’s at least eating and eyes seems to be looking okay, but they’ll still take her in to get looked at by a doctor and her other kids grandma was going to drive over to get him. I give her privacy after that.

When the little boys grandma arrives to get him, I send him off with a stuffed dino to help ease the transition. His grandma tries to get me and my kid to join them but I let her know that I have another person’s kid in my care today too and am unable to.

Instead me and another neighbor take our collective trio of kids over to the boba shop and then over to the pool. When I speak to the young girls mom again, she slips me a 30.00 gift card to the cheesecake factory. Their chicken Madeira is pretty awesome but I was secretly hoping to put any donations towards canvas and craft supplies. Getting a good meal is also essential. I appreciate it too, I’ll make a date with the kid with it.

Here’s hoping baby Lilah is resilient in overcoming both premature birth and her first fall in a matter of days.

I wish I could be better. I wish it hadn’t ended up that way. It was beautiful while it lasted but I guess we had to move on. I wish you could see that I tried, I maybe needed to be better. You weren’t the best either, but you were there when I needed. I wish we wouldn’t have become strangers. I want to hold you one more time, I want to hug you one more time. I wish you all the best and maybe our paths will cross sometimes.

My place is a safe haven, not just for my family and myself but for those that need it when they need it.

A few of my neighbors have called on me for childcare services, others instances include being present for inspection appointments, furniture moving, on occasion a shoulder to cry on.

Most recently my neighbor went into labor in the middle of the night and had to ask me on the spot to watch their other boy until they could contact family to watch him. I told them it was no trouble, and the kids enjoyed a wholesome array of activities for the evening before his auntie could retrieve him.

Also as a sort of part time gig I watch another neighbors pre teen daughter whenever she needs it. My own daughter really looks up to her. We’ve recently started a ritual of walking to the newly opened boba place together.

Sometimes the moms slip me a few bucks as thanks, sometimes they can’t and that’s okay too. I’m happy to help .

I don’t know what to call this and it may not be grammatically correct. However, loneliness has been at my door for quite some time. I am 31 years old and I thought my life would turn out differently. I thought I would have had the friends, robust relationships, great job, family, marriage and the life I wanted. I got the job part, nothing else seems to have happened. I am not with the person that I wanted to be with and I don’t have any friends. My family is never together and I am with someone that I am no longer in love with. If I were to say that I feel a sense of isolation and depression that would make sense, I guess.

Sometimes or should I say that I long for deep human connection and wonder how long my life will be this way. I may not know or ever will. Makes me think why my life is this way and was this my journey as a spirit living a human life my destiny. What destiny? When my heart is broken into a million pieces.

I don’t mean for this to come off as mean or even want for you to feel any remorse or sorrow for it…but I just don’t understand how you can tell me that I’m not a problem and an inconvenience in your life when it is too much to ask of you to want me to feel secure with you. But if after reading this…all ill get is silence, than I might as well give you a reason to be speechless.

You knew I was fucked up from the very beginning because of my past. You knew it would be hard for me to trust you and that you were going to have to reassure me of some things every now and again and I explained myself in full graphic detail of my past and how you shouldn’t take it personally whenever I start acting out over things I don’t know the best ways to handle because all I’ve ever known was the worst and most fucked up ways to handle the things that scare me. I have C****** and J*** to thank for that but that it wasn’t anything against you because unfortunately I am like that with everyone and not just you and you alone. You knew all of this from before you asked me to be your boyfriend on April 20th, 2014 at midnight on the dot.

Yet nowadays you don’t even try to make the effort..to even make an attempt to try to comfort me when I’m struggling with the things that scare me. You don’t even make an effort to even have a thought about trying to comfort me anymore and I know that because you won’t even acknowledge the fact that you won’t even acknowledge that I came to you with something I’m struggling with whether its something i am scared about, confused about or something that I just can’t get past because of how bad its hurting me mentally and/or emotionally…and its too inconvenient for you to have to engage in conversation with me to let me get whats on my mind (regarding us) off of my chest and you don’t really even care or want me to feel better about whatever it is.

Nowadays, you’ve completely abandoned me on every level of what a relationship should actually be and that has fucked me up so badly that I have become this wreckage of a lost person who is told I’m not a problem or an inconvenience but the way you handle me the most often…almost all of the time is to ignore me. There honestly is no better way to make someone feel like they don’t mean shit to you than to ignore their entire existence, every attempt to communicate and everything that matters to them. Honestly, can you think of a better way to let someone know that you don’t give a damn about them than acting like they aren’t even there and neglecting everything that is who they are? Going out of your way to hurt someone is still at least acknowledging that they are in existence.

With all of that being said, I think that it is understandable that I feel I am an inconvenience to you. To have to care about my wellbeing, my feelings and being there for me when I need you like a boyfriend who loves and cares for their partner should be happy to do for their partner and just being in tune with each other is far more effort than what I am worth to you and so I go without those building blocks of what a relationship actually is because if I were worth having those things with, you wouldn’t so quickly and so willingly choose to neglect me the way that you do.

Which brings me to why I believe that I am a problem for you… I go without all of these major pillars of what makes a relationship a relationship and it bothers me relentlessly because it hurts me so much to know how little I mean to you and how pointless I feel to you that it consumes the majority of my thoughts each and every day and each day that goes by is another day I failed to impact your life enough for you to want to stop being so impossibly hard on me and want to try to fall in love with me again. Every day is another failure and it doesn’t matter what I suggest for us to try to make things better between us, the answer is no. It doesn’t matter what gesture I do to let you know I was thinking of you like the simple things like buying you a pop when you haven’t had any in a while and didn’t even ask me for it, bringing home a greeting card I picked out just for you and what I was feeling for you at the time, bringing you a flower just because or finding a new song we’ve never heard before and sharing it with you because the best way you know how to communicate would probably be best done with music…over the last few years….A LOT of your music collection, you heard first with me and learned about because of me….liked and then downloaded. I mean, at least 75% of the music I listen to, i have downloaded and collected because I was inspired to because of you. There’s something you didn’t know about me. How about that? But the problem is…that it’s not always fun songs about being happy and being in love. Sometimes, it touches on a subject I can relate to when it comes to you and sometimes it more than touches on a topic I feel when it comes to you and is actually a song that every word breathes exactly my feelings about the topic…sometimes its the ultimate “fuck you” song because I’m angry that you’ve abandoned me and have literally left me behind. Literally pushed me down, beneath you and left behind without even a thought to slow down, help me up and live this life together…as US…WE…ONE…and it overwhelms me so much every day that it is rare a day goes by that I don’t at least make a comment regarding it or withdraw from trying to be close to you at the very least…because it is a problem for you to address these topics even when you know its beyond shitty of you not to because you know I’m not wrong for feeling the way I do about a topic and instead…you put me down for it, you threaten to leave me over just about any topic that has anything to do with YOU and what YOUR actions have been yet your quick to punish me for anything and everything. The ONLY things you will address between you and I…is anything that you can hang me and beat me in public for…you can’t address my feelings, my thoughts, my desire to be close to you again, my desire to know you better or literally ANYTHING that revolves around the TRUTH about ANYTHING in regards to you….so you lie to my face, about any and every little thing that pertains to you so that I can NEVER know you…because my desire to be what makes you feel like your home is a problem to you….so you use irrational rage episodes to instill fear in me so I will be less willing to want to talk about our problems so that you can continue to do whatever it is your wanting to do and never have to be held accountable for those things, knowing that it is destroying me beyond the threshold of emotional agony and cruelty without a care in the world because my feelings…are not your priority, are not even worth you caring about…you said so yourself…and I am a problem because I want to solve problems that you don’t see as problems because lying to yourself that those issues don’t exist is good enough for you to move along thru life but will NEVER be good enough for me to move thru life because the only person who benefits from ignoring their problems, acting like this or that didn’t happen when it did because you have excused yourself for what you would literally break down a door and beat me for…the only person who benefits from faking their own reality…is YOU….you are not even willing to compromise with me to where we both are okay….you only serve yourself without a second thought to whether or not I’m okay. You serve yourself no matter the cost that I will be left to pay thru my feelings that you don’t even care about. You have become an enemy.

I have never been so depressed and seriously distraught with no hope of figuring out a way to pull myself out of it as I have been lately….and it doesn’t help that I already know and believe in my heart that if I do ever pull myself out of it, it will be something I do alone because you certainly are never interested in helping me and truly don’t care if I ever reach a state of happiness ever again. You can tell me that you care about my happiness…but you know I’m not happy…you know i am far from happy….and have been for so long….and you know that…yet you tell me you care if im happy while never caring about my thoughts, my feelings or doing anything to let me know you care about me…but you will spend hours, days, weeks and months and waste all sorts of time on doing something to hurt me like talking shit about me to every single person you meet, every single day for over two years until you literally manipulated everyone around me into hating me because they barely spent time with me to actually know me but spent all kinds of time with you to be able to paint a false image of me with all of your overly exaggerated overly sensitive to any little thing i did or said EVEN IF MY INTENTIONS WERE GOOD youd twist to make me out to be the monster….all because i got off my ass to go to work everyday to support us while you became the mentally and emotionally abusive deadbeat boyfriend who never got off his ass to help support us because cheating on me in our own home, in our own bed and on the couch you literally lived on nonstop was more important to you while i was at work…you will spend all sorts of the time, effort and negative energy in hurting me but will literally spend ZERO effort in making me feel like i even exist to you…not even worth a text back to a simple message like “I miss you” while I was at work….you can tell me you care about me.. but I can’t see it…and you know I cant….and you are perfectly fine that I still can’t and probably never will…why? I’m not worth the effort in showing me that you care. Thats why. You can tell me all you want that you love me….you said it yourself recently…that you know I don’t feel loved….and I know that your okay with me continuing to not feeling loved by you because why? I’m not worth the effort in showing me that I’m loved. Only hated.

You have become an enemy..Like a target your aiming at with intentions to hurt more often than ever feeling loved. I am just a problem and an inconvenience because whenever I try to stand up for myself, its inconvenient for you and you react with rage and hatred and pack your shit and leave me….because I want from you what I should NEVER have to stand up for myself to get from a boyfriend in the first place?

For all of this and everything that I feel that you don’t care about is why I feel all I am is a problem and an inconvenience…and from here on out…I am going to actively try my best to not be those things to you. So yes…this is my last rant over texting you’ll get from me…you won’t see me contacting you first as I never am contacted by you first….unless of course I am able to do something to benefit you while your dogging me out and telling people how you want to rip my face off or knock my head off of my shoulders. I will no longer be a problem that you have to inconveniently deal with on a regular basis. All that matters is you and what you think and how you feel and how you can benefit from your self because that’s all you will have…is you. By the time you realize that I’m gone and no longer around for you to “care” about and “love” as much as you do, I will already have been buried 6 feet below the height at which your heart beats…beneath you.

Happy birthday. I hope it was the stuff of good memories for you.