Category: To You

My love is like a failing dam. It does not seep through until the city is flooded over time. It breaks and cascades and leaves those in its wake soaked with the intensity of it. Most drown, but I had hoped you to be a better swimmer.

I’m sorry. You deserve better.

A quarter of my life stolen for no fucking reason other than to amuse you. Absolutely nothing given back over that time. Look at the trajectory of my life since I met you. Why didn’t I listen to all the people who tried to warn me what an awful person you are and to stay away from you? They were right, you suck. Grow the fuck up. Or don’t. I don’t care anymore.

I understand now that I had no grasp on how bad your alcoholism was

and that you wanted ‘alone time’ so I couldn’t keep tabs on you,

and I became so unattractive to you because I always knew the truth

and you couldn’t handle it.

I know you better than anyone. better than the owners of the restaurant we work at, better than Lxx. better than your high school friends. better than Rxxxxxx or Sxxx or any other girl you cheated on me with. Better than your own family.

At least this version of you.

And you couldn’t fucking stand that I was always on point. I was so in tune with you I always knew when something was up.

You couldn’t communicate with me because you were always having this internal battle with yourself.

you lied to me for a very long time.

I understand now that alcohol took away all the best parts of you. Everything I loved about you. turned you into someone I don’t recognize.

a part of me wishes you told me the truth. trusted me enough to try to talk to me and work on it with me. I would have done anything for you. I thought even in our darkest times we were together forever.

But you made a different decision, I felt you slip away from me in my sleep. You tapped out. you saw me as something else.

I had the best part of you for a year, I can’t be mad at that.

I mourn the loss of the future we could have had.

The sweet taste of the celebration once you figured out your shit and reached sobriety.

But you never really wanted that. You still don’t know what you want.

You treated me horribly (not to say I was an angel, I take full responsibility for my shortcomings). A large part of it was due to the alcohol, but it was also you. A lot of it was just you.

You had it all baby, we had it all. I loved you to bits. I would have done anything for you.

In return, you burned this to the ground.

I wish you all the best. I am always sending you good vibes. I hate this version of you, and I doubt we will ever reconcile as long as you are still under the spell of that bottle.

This is goodbye.

p.s. also, for the record, I never cheated on you. You came up with that narrative to redeem yourself of your guilt and justify your actions.

Eventually, you ruined the concept of a night out together. The idea cocktails at civil and GS stopped feeling so frivolous and romantic. I went out with friends, most of the time Misha, and cried in public at the bar down the street from our house about how I was losing you. How this was all going downhill, how I could feel in my bones you didn’t love me anymore while they told me it couldn’t possibly be true.

So while you sat at home and drank yourself to sleep on those late nights, know I was medicating in the same way. I felt this coming for a long time, I was just stupid enough to think you loved me too much to let this actually happen.

I know better now. I will never let that happen again.

No one has ever made me feel the way I feel for you. I don’t know why that is, after all these years. It doesn’t feel the same to meet the gaze of another. It felt like a blessing at first, but maybe it’s a curse now since I’ll probably never see you again. I wish we were at least friends before these feelings hit. It would’ve made it easier for me to talk to you and just be comfortable around your presence. I’d spend the nights imagining how to greet you and how our conversation could go. But whenever I saw you, all the plans went out the door and I just forget the words I wanted to say. All we ever did was just stare at each other. The longer this went on, I felt like I was undeserving of you. My low self-esteem certainly didn’t help at all. I wish we had met at a different time or that I was different then because now I’m stuck here missing the things that could’ve been.

I can’t see you anymore, John. Why, you ask? Because you are dangerous for me. You are untouchable, and yet all I want to do is touch you. Have you touch me. And I know you want to touch me, I know you do. It’s the way you look at me. It’s just lust, I know, and I don’t mind it. I don’t care. I want it too. Hard against the wall or on your desk.
And I can’t touch you, so I have to say goodbye.

The date was October 29, a day like any other. After school I came home, watched some tv. Out of the blue my phone beeps. It was you saying I’d dropped my wallet in chemistry and offered to drop it off on your way back home, which was great since we didn’t have that class again til next week. I gave you my address and got back to my show. At the commercial, an emergency breaking news aired about some psych facility patient breaking free. They called him the Electric Killer because he had used to work for a power company until it was revealed he would use that cover to shut off people’s power before he broke in and murdered them. As if its not bad enough you have to pay for electricity, then the guy they send to fix it murders you in your pitch black home, amiright? The commercial ended and I remembered you were on your way over. Should probably throw on a shirt and clean up a little. We had been lab partners this semester, and had been in the same study groups a couple times but I didn’t really know you at all. Not in a conventional way at least. In my mind we were well acquainted. I had masturbated to your Instagram pictures countless times with countless scenarios. You linger just a fraction too long while bending over to pick up a pencil in class? Clearly an indication you want me to slam your head against the desk and ravage you from behind like a barbaric caveman while our classmates and teacher cheer me on. The way your mouth opened just a little when you were focused on a problem? And that lipstick? That lipstick!?!? You want me to fuck your pretty little throat don’t you baby? The word on the streets about you was that you had met a guy when you did foreign exchange the previous semester, and you hadn’t shown any interest in anyone since, so since you apparently had a boyfriend in another country, my hand sessions with some tissue was the best I could do. But damn girl, you are so sexy. In such an effortless way, like I don’t need to you flaunt it, I see it and I want it and who do I have to kill to have you….Ding Dong. Oh shit, so much for cleaning up. I open the door and when you handed me my wallet I assumed that would be the end of that. But you told me you’d popped a tire on the way over and that your friend was gonna come with a spare in an hour when she got off work and asked if you could wait inside til she got here because it was cold outside. I mean I didn’t need some wild rambling excuse to invite you in. I said yes and took your coat, immediately realizing how slovenly my place looked. ‘Mess makes them undress’, was that the saying? Definitely not. All of a sudden the nerves set in, I mean you weren’t supposed to actually come in. So I dropped the ultimate panty-wetter: “Jeopardy is about to come on if you like trivia.” You were very gracious in pretending like you knew what that was. So we sat, on opposite ends of my couch and watched Trebek sling some good ones. To my mild annoyance you got more right than me, but beginners luck right? After the show ended I noticed it had started blizzarding outside since you came up. You then got a text from your friend that she couldn’t make it due to road conditions. “Sorry to put you out, I guess I’ll call a cab.” “What kind of cabbie is gonna come pick you up when your friend won’t? Its getting late, why don’t you take my bed and I’ll make up the couch here for myself.” I laid down on my couch and peered at the light coming from underneath my bedroom door. Who would’ve thought this total sexpot would be getting naked and climbing into my bed tonight? If only it wasn’t for that pesky foreign boyfriend. All of a sudden the light disappeared, followed by a small shriek. You rushed out of my room still in your bra and panties and frantically began flipping the light switches in the living room. “Ummmm whats going on?” “The lights just went out. Didn’t you hear the Electric Killer broke free earlier tonight?” “Its probably just the storm outside right?” “Maybe, or maybe he’s about to murder us.” “I’ve got a bat in the closet if that would make you feel better?” “I can’t be alone like this, what if he comes in through the window? Can you sleep in there with me?” Far be it for me to benefit personally from a brutal psycho’s rampaging, but how I am supposed to say no to that? I climbed into bed with you, trying to respectfully keep my distance. You turned towards me, and the moonlight from the window shown just right on your face. “I’m really scared. Will you hold me?” I saw you there, trembling in the moonlight, and I knew you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I assumed the big spoon, pressing myself against you tight. Immediately, I began to harden, but you didn’t say anything. “Look, I know you have an international boyfriend, but I couldn’t live with myself having a goddess in my bed if I didn’t tell you how crazy attractive I think you are and how I’ve had the biggest crush on you since we first met.” You turned towards me and fired a quick slap across my cheek. “There is a psychopath serial killer on the loose, why are you telling me this?” “Because if we’re gonna die tonight I wanna kiss you first.” Despite your best efforts, a little smile crept out. “Well, if you must know, I don’t have a boyfriend. I met up with my cousin who lives overseas a few times during foreign exchange and some mean girls started rumors about me.” “Well, that’s a relief” as I began to lean in. “Wait” you said as you put out a hand to stop me. “I think you should know that I am a virgin, and I would never do this, but, I really don’t want to die a virgin.” Now was not the time to remind you that the virgin is the one who lives through scary movies. “Baby, if this is it, you deserve to feel like a queen before we go and I’m gonna do my best to make you feel special.” I touched my lips to yours, quivering from fear and cold and excitement. I kissed you tenderly as my hand moved to your waist. Your mouth opened and my eager tongue found yours. I rolled on top of you, careful to match my parts to yours. We continued to kiss and my hips went into auto pilot, gently grinding into yours. As your breathing increased, I understood this might very well be the only time any man was lucky enough to make you theirs and I had to make the most of it. I kissed you slowly down your neck til I reached your breasts, which I cupped in my hands as I proceeded lower. Your skin was so smooth to my lips and tongue. When I reached your panties, I could tell you were ready. But I refused to be murdered by the Electric Killer without first tasting your pussy. I pulled your panties down and worked my way up your legs, moving my mouth along every sexy inch of your inner thighs. You were turning me on so much with your soft moaning, I couldn’t help but bite you a little as I moved closer to your beautiful kitty. She was so small, and pink, and tight, and wet. I felt like Pooh devouring the sweetest pot of honey as I licked you. I could eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner baby, I want your pussy taste in my mouth at all times. When you pulled me up to tell me you were ready for me to take you, I was about to break you in half, but then you reminded me to be gentle. I rubbed myself against you, using your wet to lubricate me. I entered you slowly, just the tip, and you winced just a little. Rocking back and forth ever so gently, I inched into you further and further. You were being so brave trying to fit me in, I whispered in your ear “Good girl, I know you can take all of me.” And eventually you did. Whatever I felt licking your pussy couldn’t compare to what if felt to be deep inside you. With every small thrust, with every throb I could feel you trembling beneath me as your tight little pussy grabbed me and invited me in even deeper. I realized I had forgotten to wear a condom, but my primal urges were screaming to me that cumming deep inside of you with every drop I could produce was the most important thing any man had ever been called to do. But this was, more than anything else, about you and your pleasure. I looked up, saw you thoroughly enjoying our sex, and realized I was the luckiest man alive to be inside you right now, and the first you had ever let in between your gorgeous legs. You wrapped your arms around me and as I felt you cumming I pushed all the way in. You whispered to me “I want you to finish baby” and I filled you up so much it started leaking out when I removed myself. Without a word said, I spooned you again and we fell asleep.

All the while, had we not been so consumed by such mind-blowing sex, perhaps we would’ve noticed the faint outline of a man outside the window watching us, one who curiously chose to accessorize his straightjacket with a toolbelt….

A victory you can’t really share with anyone else.

Thanks to practice, I’d learned how to handle failure all alone.
But success is even more lonely and depressing than I ever imagined.
Grief and despair occupy the space reserved for joy and relief.

There is no victory here.