Author: Anonymous

As a final goodbye to my first love,

There is no pressure that could have led you to your decisions, and I hope that one day you’ll realize that your actions are no one’s but your own. An obligatory, defensive apology does not suffice. It breaks my heart every day to know that your apology was entirely disingenuous.

And I know- there shouldn’t be any “fighting” for a relationship. Of course our relationship had many ups and downs. I am not denying that I have done you wrong in the past. I still have a pit in my stomach thinking about February. Because you know how it feels to be betrayed, I thought you would never want to make someone else feel the way you felt. I sure as hell never want to make ANYONE feel the way I have felt for the past month. And unfortunately enough, this is why your actions feel intentionally hurtful. I could never imagine you invalidating a month of dates, sleeping over, going to a concert, and telling each other how grateful we are for each other. I guess it really did mean nothing to you- as you have told all of your friends.

I knew that our love had entirely run dry the moment I looked into your eyes and saw no remorse. The Charlie I had known was gone forever, and the person who had loved me for a year was completely unrecognizable. He had become a total stranger, and in those moments of vulnerability I could not help but wish I had never met you.

Every place is a memory of you. My bed, my shower, my closet where I cried on the floor, songs, the restaurants, my car. My own body is a constant reminder of every inch you have touched and how much of it I gave to you.

My initial reaction in your car that Saturday was because I thought everything would be okay- if you could love me through a year of ups and downs I could love you forever.

I lost my my best friend for a year, someone whom I thought I knew like the back of my hand. I just still cannot wrap my head around the idea that hooking up with the girl made you want to lose me entirely. Maybe it is good you finally made me realize who you really are- or else I would’ve had an inkling in the back of my mind for the rest of my life that you were supposed to be the one.

I will never forget the feeling of walking past her sorority house that Monday and balling my eyes out. Feeling sick to my stomach and not eating for days. Calling my mom on the phone at 3 in the morning in total despair. All I wanted in those moments was to be with the old you- who was gone for good.

I thought, until that Saturday, that you would be in my life forever. I opened the time capsule that was under my bed in October and read your letter. I cried on my floor, knowing that I couldn’t be with you now if I wanted a future together.

There were so many nights in September and October that I would hover my finger over the call button, staring at the phone as tears streamed down my face, wanting to be with you. Resisting the temptation to see you- wanting so badly to have you back. But I knew that at that point of my emotional maturity, I needed to be alone. I couldn’t hurt you again. I knew that if one more bad thing happened between us it would be done forever- and I never thought it would be your doubt in our relationship that brought us so far past any point of return.

I used to think “We’ve been through so much, this must be what love really feels like.” I really did love you. And I know I had trouble voicing that throughout the relationship, but I always meant every word I said. Saying “I love you” was never something I said to reassure my feelings for you- I knew those feelings were true. Saying “I love you” meant I was committed and wholeheartedly put my trust in the palm of your hand.

I thought there was a reason we kept being drawn to each other- some fate that told us we were meant to be together. There was a certain resilience to our love- one that brought us back time and time again.

I’m not sure I will treasure this relationship. What I have done since is grieve the loss of a boy I used to know. A boy whom I loved so simply, so easily, and so strongly. The C+C carved into that tree will never disappear. As will my love for that boy I used to know. But the pain in my heart will also never disappear. This engraving in my heart from a year of loving you aches, bleeds, stings.

I am grateful I met you on December 31, 2020. Now I know what it feels like to be loved- and I am one step closer to finding whom I belong with. I know what behavior cannot be tolerated, and I know what it feels like to truly be heartbroken. I know I should always, always trust my gut.

I was never going to give this letter to you, and I never will. There is no response I could ever get that could piece me back together.

No, I don’t ever want to see you again. Obviously it is unavoidable- but if you are going to act like I stranger I guess I’ll have to do the same. It is not a question of my maturity; I don’t ever want to feel the way I did that Sunday.

I really wish it didn’t have to end this way, I really didn’t. All I wanted was for you to check in, for you to at least be a friend to me. But that is entirely gone now, too.I just hope that one day there will be even an ounce of you that will realize how much you really hurt me. I am excited to start a new life without you in it. Create a person you don’t even know. New friends, new clothes, new perfume, new hobbies, new ambitions. Right now, it’s a distraction. Soon, it’ll just be me. Somebody you will never, ever get to know.

Goodbye for good,
C

You left me alone. Too often. I don’t trust you anymore.

A kiss & a heartfelt hug at midnight new year’s eve….
from you

Sigh, you know I dont spend a lot of time on the past anymore. But I do wonder about you sometimes. Im not mad, at you or anybody, for anything really. I just have everything I need. Blessed beyond measure.
When we had dinner last, you cast an impressive shadow, in all the ways a woman. You were a stunning prescence. And it was beautiful to witness. Like, maybe I hadnt been as terrible for you ad I thought.
Then the very last time I saw you, you looked, at least to these unfamiliar eyes, somewhat sullen and defeated. It felt sad to me. Im far too humbled these days to assume I know what trials or triumphs brought you back here. Im sure you had your reasons.
My hope is that you have found your way back to that strong confident woman I sat across the table from, whatever the path you took.
My path has been a twisted one but has led to a personal paradise. I cant ever be mad at the road that brought me to a beautiful destination.
Just know, there is no hatred, no harsh feelings of any kind. But there is an echoing wish that you have everything you need as well.

A Fight She Never Asked Me To Fight

I have luckily forgotten much of the fights I fought. She’s long gone. In a world all her own. It’s better that way. It always was but there’s an undeniable connection we share. Not romantic. Not as friends. Not as siblings or family.

What I do remember is welcoming you home. What I do remember is helping you experience something more than the fear. God the world was always a fiery red around you… wasn’t it. It was like the world of goblins and gods. Only I didn’t know which was which. Neither did you.

I’d point my spear at whatever you’d ask. Myths of women and men. Great beasts! I’d stand between them and you. For years and many wars. I was so tired. Not as tired as you. You found your vices and I found loneliness. Yet I’d fight.

Bruised and so so bloody. Do you remember that? Do you wonder how bloody I am? I’m no artist but it doesn’t take much to paint our picture. Two people who maybe wanted to be in love but just weren’t. Still I’d do anything for you, for the storm that did her best to thank me in so many ways but you never could give me what I wanted. There was no future for the survivors of our war. Not together.

So we ran. That’s why I’m writing again. You never met the woman I’m going to call my wife. You’ve never met my fat cat son. You won’t be the aunt to my kids or the friends I begged for. Because I can’t reach out. For the first time I’m doing my best to make a life for myself. And you always came here. This place was the white flag. So Hayl be well. Remember to me you are important and always will be. I forgive you for the pain. I can finally say I let you go. I won’t wash away all the blood because it’s part of me now. These scars won’t all heal and that’s ok. I won’t forget you. I refuse too. I hope you’re doing the best for yourself. I hope you remember that you deserve the best. I hope you give yourself a life worth living away from the fixes and bandages. I hope Hayley… that you’re okay.

I gave my husband a good laugh this year with gifting. I found a shirt of a band he loves Kreator, that plays on one of their songs ‘Satan is real’ with the red scrawlings of Santa is real on the back and a large menacing Santa face on the front. He loves it.
His folks also gave him a massive suprise. We open gifts the night before and they gave us a call from their Mexican resort around 7 to open up their gift . Inside there was a bag of lovely clothes for the kid and three custom thermos, but it was what was inside of the thermos that left us all shocked. The husband pulled out a printout that says student loan debt with the words crossed out in bright red. He’s stunned right and checks the website to verify what’s been done, and they really did it, they paid off 20,000. In student loan debt. In return though we have to make sure we get our essentials organized to join them in Mexico next year and with the savings their gift provides and the profit sharing he now gets at his job, it’s actually possible now.
We’ve never known his folks to be flamboyant lavish , and I tell him it probably was something they planned for awhile but only if he hit the right milestones like sticking around with a good job, taking care of family, finance, and home. Looks like he done good.

The actual day of the holiday we visited my dad and his wife for a steak dinner and mashed potatoes. Their house is mostly packed up for the upcoming move to Florida.
There’s still this disgusting strip of fly tape hanging over the dining room table covered in flies, his wife makes her usual ‘jokes’ about not wanting us around. Her son who lives in a renovated version of my old room isn’t around, he left with his girlfriend to go see her Kansas family. There’s still some good points though, the kid is laughing while she plays chase with her dad and my dad’s dog Coda in the yard. The movie was good and my dad does seem happy to have us visit to catch up, he always says we’re welcome any time but really that’s not the case. However I know his wife is the one to take the time to choose gifts for us. Sometimes I think her abrasiveness is more of a cultural divide in humor but then I remember the fly strip and realize that doesn’t quite fit either. For their gifts in turn I brought them a big box of food, frozen meats and whatnot since they’re in the moving process.

We watch Don’t look up as we eat and as we leave make loose plans for New Years visiting pending knowing the husband’s work schedule.

Back home we end the night watching Major Payne and it’s a good day.