To Hayley, To Haze, To Hayl

A Fight She Never Asked Me To Fight

I have luckily forgotten much of the fights I fought. She’s long gone. In a world all her own. It’s better that way. It always was but there’s an undeniable connection we share. Not romantic. Not as friends. Not as siblings or family.

What I do remember is welcoming you home. What I do remember is helping you experience something more than the fear. God the world was always a fiery red around you… wasn’t it. It was like the world of goblins and gods. Only I didn’t know which was which. Neither did you.

I’d point my spear at whatever you’d ask. Myths of women and men. Great beasts! I’d stand between them and you. For years and many wars. I was so tired. Not as tired as you. You found your vices and I found loneliness. Yet I’d fight.

Bruised and so so bloody. Do you remember that? Do you wonder how bloody I am? I’m no artist but it doesn’t take much to paint our picture. Two people who maybe wanted to be in love but just weren’t. Still I’d do anything for you, for the storm that did her best to thank me in so many ways but you never could give me what I wanted. There was no future for the survivors of our war. Not together.

So we ran. That’s why I’m writing again. You never met the woman I’m going to call my wife. You’ve never met my fat cat son. You won’t be the aunt to my kids or the friends I begged for. Because I can’t reach out. For the first time I’m doing my best to make a life for myself. And you always came here. This place was the white flag. So Hayl be well. Remember to me you are important and always will be. I forgive you for the pain. I can finally say I let you go. I won’t wash away all the blood because it’s part of me now. These scars won’t all heal and that’s ok. I won’t forget you. I refuse too. I hope you’re doing the best for yourself. I hope you remember that you deserve the best. I hope you give yourself a life worth living away from the fixes and bandages. I hope Hayley… that you’re okay.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.