i understand now.

dear alex and jack,
i understand now why you felt the way you did before you did the irreversible thing you can never undo. i know now they emptiness and loneliness and depth of feeling hopeless. i find myself needing reminders of the good things, of how this too shall pass and this pain is only temporary. i feel my head in my hands as though i were going to pass out and i am a child and floating. i wish i could shirk all responsibilities, could leave it all behind, could float. yet i cannot do such an unchangeable thing. i know i am loved. i know there is good in people. i am good. i am people. people are good.
time will let this go, and in a few months it will be gone to the wind. things will get better. i will make it through.
hell, in a week it should be better. i know alex, i know jack. im sorry. ui understand the pain now. im sorry i could not stop it for you. i can stop it for me. i love u both immensely. this will pass.
thank you for your lessons to me.

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