Gutted

I’m sitting in the under construction chaos of what was once my living room. My thighs are screaming from all the down low work I’ve been doing pulling up nails and staples to prime the floor for the new material. I swept up bags of dust from years gone by and make the not so far fetched connection that perhaps this is the reason I haven’t been able to sleep in my own bed without allergy meds for awhile.

This morning was particularly brutal in that as I was ripping out the carpet from the hallway by myself, our kitten Ingrid snuck out and zoomed up the tree in our yard. It’s a tall tree too, not easy for me to get access to climb. I spend about an hour trying to talk her down from a step ladder and filling the family in, before resorting to messaging my neighbors. One lady offers me her taller ladder on her way to work, and another one holds me steady the two few kids troubleshoot how to lure her lower. They get long pieces of construction wood and smear it with cat food to get her to the lower branches, laughing about how much fun this was ( I was not having fun) but the do manage to get Ingrid to a spot I can nudge her into the cat backpack and relief! We rescued her without calling in an emergency.
I promised the kids to treat them to ice cream later as a thank you before returning to face the looming project of ripping out more staples from the hallway and carrying up more cases of material to lay down for when the guy helping us heads this way.
Making progress even with the detour, but much relieved I didn’t lose my husband’s kitten.

Dear Ben,

Thanks for being such an amazing boyfriend. I know how lucky I am to have you. I wouldn’t last a day without you. Unfortunately, with me having Covid right now, I can’t see you in person, but I’m hoping that we can both have a meal together, soon. I miss you. Talking over the phone just isn’t quite the same as seeing you face to face.

I love you very much. I love you more and more every day. I truly care about you. Hopefully one day we can have our dream Disneyland wedding. I’m also hoping that certain people don’t try to quash our happiness. xx

V

The big day is upon us. More on you I guess. At this point I hope I am the last thing you are thinking about. Really not at all. I hope you don’t feel any regret. You’re making the right decision, the best decision of your life, and if I was in your white shoes I would do the exact same thing.

You questioned my love, but it is real. I never claimed to love you before I knew it was indisputably true. Unfortunately, as I’ve learned, love alone isn’t enough, and you can fall in love with more than one person in a lifetime. When I realized I had lost you, I swore I wouldn’t be diplomatic, I would fight and scream and gnash and claw til my dying breath. But the truth is none of that changes the fact that I had lost you, and for good.

Only in my wildest dreams about the person I actually am did I ever deserve someone as ethereal as you. It would have been a crime against all that is beautiful and pure in this world for you to settle for someone like me, with all my insecurities and demons. And still I hoped. Hoped that you could elevate me to what you deserved. That would never have worked.

The truth is….I’m not special, at least, not like you are. Special isn’t the genes you’re born with, or what people lead you to believe about your place in this world comparatively to all others; special is what you make of yourself from where you started, despite or in spite of all the obstacles one invariably faces in life. I’m proud of you and your journey, a lot prouder than I am of me and mine own.

You have so many great things ahead of you. Forget about me, now and for always, lest even my memory in any way hold you back in the slightest from all the amazing things coming your way that you deserve. I love you, and wish you the sincerest happiness for the rest of your days.