dear john

your favorite question to ask, “why are u so good to me?”
I loved how u handled me telling u no. it’s exhausting telling men no all the time and it actually
fucking hurts my feelings when they literally have nothing more to say to me after that.
While I’m glad to see them take their no and go, its just insulting. I’d actually prefer they
stick around long enough for me to say something they don’t like.
I just want people to like or dislike me for an actual fucking reason.
No different than if they asked me for a cigarette, I don’t like people who just
run around looking to get whatever they can get from people. I dont like users.
and getting a pair for jumping cables from someone ive spoken with several times with literally no
other motive than to meet my neighbors and have a conversation & suddenly finding myself in need
of something, that’s not using someone. but u….
You took the ‘no’ and were still there to talk to me. You actually seemed to like me, as a person.
I started looking forward to seeing you every bit as much as I enjoy seeing H & A
I cherish my friendships, they are so rare. They accept me for who I am and I accept them for
who they are.
You said my leaving u to fighter chic was unseemly? We were becoming friends & even though
I wanted to believe u were better than “that type of guy”, I wanted to not ruin a budding friendship with
my own values. It’s not my place to tell my friends who they should be with or not be with. or how they should
run their lives. Just because I’m perfectly fine to go months without sex doesnt mean I don’t understand that’s
just out of the question for some people. Who am i to judge? I may have wanted to believe u had higher standards
than that, wanted to believe u were better than but I was not going to sit there and allow myself to be
disappointed when i had no right to judge u if you weren’t.
I wasn’t upset with u that night I got up and left. I was upset with myself.

I wasnt ok with the thought of u going upstairs with her and that came as such a surprise to me, I was
asking myself “why do i care if he does her?” I dont care who my friends are fucking, its not my business.
I wasn’t wanting to go upstairs with u myself, i knew that, but why did i care if u were with her?
The answer came back, “because I like him, because somewhere I still want to believe & dare to hope there
are decent men out there” I didnt think I could sit there pretending I didnt notice u two went off together or sat there
and joked about it with the people who stayed. I didnt want u for myself then, I just wanted to believe u were
better. If we had stayed friends and u had brought a proper girlfriend or boyfriend for us to meet one night.
I would have been as happy for u as I am for X and Y, or C and what’s her name..
I want people to be better, but I can’t judge them if they aren’t. I dont live up to my own standards sometimes,
so who the hell am i to judge others by a standard too high for even me? I can’t.
I want people to be deeper, more meaningful, to try to be better than they were the day before, or the year before.
but its not my place to judge if they aren’t. and u had been so …so accepting of my crazy silly ass,
so accepting of being told “no, i can only offer u a friendship” that I felt ashamed and angry at myself for
expecting even more from u than that.
Accepting that no… and still wanting to be friends, its rare, it was a gift. my wanting u to be a better person,
who didnt just go hop in the bed with anyone who asked? that wasnt something I had any right to ask of u.
we were friends & as ur friend I wasnt going to allow myself to sit there and judge u
I am loyal, If I hurt someone it’s because I’m protecting myself.
I came back and found out nothing happened, but i was sure not to go back until I was sure I was going to be
ok with hearing that something had. its one thing for a guy to chase tail all the time, another for them to
turn it down when it’s being offered up. just because I didnt want u to be typical didnt mean shit. Im used to
not getting what I want. but finding out u didnt, that u hadn’t. well that raised my opinion of u quite a bit.
it did. I was surprised to find I liked u more for being better than typical.

I dont “shit test” men. life does that for me.
all i have to do is wait and see and be willing to accept what i see
and all the rest that followed was me letting my guard down enough with u to see if u got stupid &
forced me to hurt u for it.
I’ve literally never known a “whirlwind” romance before u.
I have a long montage of epic 1st date fails playing on repeat in my head every time some guy asks me out..
makes it even easier to say no, why would i want to add another 10 second clip of a disastrous 3 hr waste of my life to that reel.

Im sorry my past relationship reel got stuck on WITH audio. I was just being completely transparent with u.
I was literally opening myself up and not allowing myself any secrets from u once I was committed to u.
i wish u had read that astrology book.. the one that says X considers everything they knew, did, and were.. those things
are an entirely different era away, it was all BU, as in Before U. and i can’t and wont judge u on the things u knew, did and were before me.
life changes, the world changes when u realize someone actually sees u for who u are, wants to know more, when they find u their favorite subject
and i had so many questions, but u wanted to even play games with u dont even know my real name and shit like that..
ok, Mr. Mystery, fine have it ur way.
and i loved u for what I saw in u in the moment. in our time together..
and then i found out by ur own words, that I was the one fucking around?
that im the one that can’t be trusted?
that i was looking at ur phone when u were the one practically foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog over the fact that my phone got a notification?
it was an email by the way.
I may like people but i dont have them in my place, in my space, in my bed, in my life, in my heart and then shut them out of whats going on in my head
I love doing nice things for people, it makes me feel good to see them enjoy someone being nice to them for no reason
People light up from the inside out when someone’s nice to them, it makes them happy
theres a warmth that just radiates from them and i love to simply be in their company and enjoy the warmth of their happiness
i dont see auras, but i feel them.
when u were with me, and ur phone was constantly pinging away interrupting the harmony of my sanctuary?
that wasnt a good sign.
when u would read check on ur phone n ur whole aura, ur entire vibe was different, I didnt have to check ur phone to know
it wasnt good, not for me, not for us.
i didnt have to look at the damn thing to know something, someone had some kind of effect on u that disrupted the calm clear
perfect peace between us. I was tired of the peace and tranquility of MY home being disrupted by the ur presence,
u had to go. I had to break up with u. I couldnt keep trying to fix “the roof” when it was foundation that was actually shit.
I couldnt keep “talking” to u about things that werent even the real problem bc i only knew what u told me, so how could i ever hope
to fix the shit that was broken between us when i didnt have all the facts?
I knew something was wrong and u werent telling me what it was..
I knew it had something to do with sex because suddenly u were always incredibly horny
I knew u were trying to spice things up with ur ideas of toys and what not.. but i guess u really havent been in enough actual
LONG TERM relationships to realize, if u’re feeling the need to “spice” it up and it hasnt even been a year of fucking yet?
than ur probably with the wrong partner in the 1st place.
I was left with the conclusion that u were missing ur old fetishes that i wont participate in and maybe u were getting hit up to go
do some choking/sex, kink whatever thing.. but since we were together, u werent going to cheat but ..u still missed it
so what? knowing some kink shit was there somewhere for the taking, u decided to be a “good boyfriend” and work that shit out on me,
without my fucking consent?
basically, it really was some fetish chic hitting u and u feeling frisky at the thought, u stay “loyal” to me by
getting rough with me instead, like somehow that makes it ok, or better?
If someone was hitting u up for some freaky shit and u want that, than u should have been man enough to have
just broken up with me and left me the fuck out of it.
Seriously. You are a grown ass man, u dont need ur girlfriend to TELL YOU to close down ur dating profiles ANYWHERE and
everywhere.. you dont need a grown woman to tell u that having people who hit u up DAILY, as in every day, morning, noon, and night
arent in ur contacts list is SHADY AS FUCK!!
You dont need me to point out how fucking shady and fucked up it is to have apps on ur phone that automatically delete ur messages
Thats fucked up. I dont live that kind of life and the fact that u do.. and u tried to live that kind of life while begging to be with me?
You are super fucked up!
how fucking dare u!
how dare u ask me to be ur girlfriend, knowing i have standards, knowing i will drop kick ur ass to a curb than curb stomp u if u fuck with me
what the ever loving FUCK is wrong with u?
and then ur worried about what the fuck is on my phone?!
fucker! i have handed my phone to A without a second thought because i literally dont have any dumb shit on my phone, EVER
I dont live my life that way. there arent nudes or sexting or shit on my phone EVER.
I will NEVER FUCKING fuck a guy as young as u again, u dumb shits really think someone needs to TELL YOU that they arent doing any
dumb shit and not putting up with any dumb shit! you really had to be TOLD that?!
You really thought i was so stupid I had to see the bullshit ON ur phone to prove it to who, myself?
i didnt need to see ur phone to know something was going on
people wanna act like I curb stomped ur heart, well fuck them. and fuck you
The world can think its ok for men to go rolling around with locked up phones and secret apps and shit, thats fine for THEM
if people who text u DAILY, sometimes HOURLY are not in ur contacts?
dont tell me what day it is fuck head!
i wasnt born yesterday.
I hate u
i hate you
the memory of you in my bed makes me sick
the memories of how nice i was to u, back rubs, dinners, it all makes me want to puke
Ive already cried so hard you would think I believed my tears would be enough to wash away the dirty feeling of being
with someone who was just that fucking gross!
how fucking dare u!
I didnt do all those nice things for u because I thought u deserved it…
I did them because I’ve been waiting for years to do all those things for someone
Being sweet and loving and considerate and a total trainwreck is my thing,
I enjoyed being able to do those things because I like to do them, like my painting
i may not be good at it but i enjoy it, its me expressing myself
u never deserved anything i did for u, but i deserved better than to get left feeling like I did it for someone who had no idea how rare
it was.
you better hope i never see u again.
Do u remember how protective i was of u when i thought u were mine?
well u just hurt me, and Im super protective of me,
do not show up here, do not knock on my door
now ive said all i needed to say. I let u stop by twice so u could get ur closure, but I wasnt about to
tell u this in person because im sure u wouldnt have listened even though i heard u out those last two times and
at least twice before that.. because u never were willing to do for me what i was for u
I see that now.
I doubt u’ll read this. I honestly dont think u’ll read it anymore than u read that astrology book or the personality tests or anything else
I guess thats what happens when modern “courting” consists of “DTF?” lol
what a joke, u young people got life so fucking twisted.
T was an asshole, but at least I fucking understood what kind of brain damaged dumb shit i was dealing with…
OMFG. u young people think theres literally nothing wrong with being deceitful and using these apps like its not a big deal.
like its ENTIRE PURPOSE isnt to HIDE shit!! its incredible how “normalized” it is for u all.. i feel bad for u all for living in that world
its ugly, really ugly. u can keep it. dont try dragging me off into that dumb shit anymore.. cant fucking believe i found myself in that
world in the 1st place. THATS what u shouldve warned me about.. not the satan shit or whatever.. but the fucking shear level of shady ass
bullshit u kids got on ur fucking phones these days.. holy christ. no wonder u dont trust people.. fucking assholes all of u
it wasnt until after this last time that i looked into telegraph app and saw that it auto deletes messages, just like snapchat..

U got shit so twisted. backhanded comments when we were shopping? WTF are u talking about?
just got that message from u.. wow u really got shit twisted and idk even know u anymore
Where the fuck did that come from?

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