Month: March 2022

My kids had pneumonia for the last week and I’ve been housebound, at least I have some sweet toons. Keith F. is that you? Always sneaking up in unexpected places to remind me. It really is a wild frontier.

He was young, so how could he had been so fat. Nobody was *that* overweight in the ‘50s. And that excess of his never looked natural; with his bulbous face shaped by untrained, supple skin. For so long it made the kind of sense that didn’t, but the unease about it was largely unconscious since he wasn’t—and hadn’t ever been—around to make anyone really care about what exactly had been up with him. But within that something-is-off-here heft, he looked like he had been a decent and gentle man, like grandma had always said. And we didn’t have to share the genes of the asshole who came later—the one who we actually knew and for that reason did not get a funeral.

I never thought about it too much until she came home and said 30%. And then I still didn’t think about it through the ER visits, the precipitous surgeries collection, the marathon years of dialysis, the hopelessness of fixed incomes and never-worthy world views. And all of the medical people—except for the nephrologist—offered the generic treatment and contempt reserved for type II diabetics. Maybe it doesn’t really matter at the end of an organ’s service life; the aftermarket parts listing is the same for everyone. It changed her life all the same. It is what it is. Rather, it was what it was. And unlike with him, life could go on.

I’m not a good snowboarder. I’d just figured out the toe edge and pathetically toddled my way down the mountain thereon as people half my age lapped me time and again. I took one fall, two falls, three falls, to perhaps a total of six falls? The mountain had become sooooooo icy that day. I preferred to fall on my left side. So afterwards, that side was the one that hurt. But I managed to sleep. And the next night it still hurt. And I managed to sleep, get up, go to work, come home.

Then I couldn’t sleep.

I went in and pointed to the left flank. They took pictures. And that night I found out that in patient reporting, a radiologist’s interpretation and perspective is typically summarized by the word ‘unremarkable.’ But when it’s the first time ever hearing a doctor say “You have the most remarkable scan I’ve ever seen,” your 4-in-the-morning mind immediately questions whether you might have superpowers. The reality is, of course, far more boring.

“Did you know you have cysts? You ruptured several of them,” and the brief moment I had in the CT tube thinking ‘maybe this is when I find out for sure’ is then a premonition. A really boring one.

I came home and looked at late granddad’s picture.

Oh, it’s fluid.

God that must have been miserable.

I still think about you, and how you are doing. I miss the love we had for each other. It was very real. Although I’m in love with another man, I can’t help but think he doesn’t love me the way you did. He doesn’t love me as much as you did.

You and I would have never worked out even if we tried again. I still think the time I had with you, I was truly the happiest I have ever been. This is because I had loved you as much as you loved me.

It’s too late for us now, but maybe in another lifetime. I hope you’ve found your happiness.

One day I will
no matter how many more
failures
years gone by
disappointments

One day I will
have you erased from my heart
from my memory of coulda beens
erased completely
..from me

One day I will
you are not the first
you are the one that cut deepest
and you are the last
that ever will be the whole of me
and one day

one day
you will be gone and exactly that
is
what you already are

I’m All out of fucks to give. There’s not one person in my life that I can say really gives a shit about me. All you mktherfuckers are the biggest phonies on this planet. It must be me then. I’ve lost my shiny disposition I’ve lost the will to live. I’ve lost all hope that things will just get better. There’s no getting better. I’m surrounded with pain and hollow promises. I’m left to my own devices. I’m going to be completely strapped without anything in approximately 8 days. I need to make shit happen for myself cuz it’s clear that no one ever holds up their end of the deal. No one can be happy for anyone. No one is gracious with others. I wish I could just fade away from this life and just vanish. I tired of the hurt. I’m tired of the pain. And most of all I’m tired of the lonleyness that I have . I’m all alone. All of the time … And im saddened by it deeply saddened