There are a few things that I need to say to you.
I don’t know how to love you as a mother and I don’t think you know how to love me as a daughter. It’s unfortunate but it’s true. You always wanted me to be you friend but I needed a mother.
When dad died and I was 9, you put a lot of pressure on me. Everyone did. I was the oldest and people shook my hand at the funeral and said that I was to look after you all now. You emotionally blocked us out and then only let the girls and my brother back in. You said they needed you more because they were smaller. I just accepted it and just kept all my pain and loneliness to myself. I just wanted a hug and to be told everything would be ok. I didn’t try with people then because the shock of losing a parent specially so young shocks you and numbs you to your core. Everything inside you feels like it’s been iced over and cracking, there’s a empty coolness where you heart used to be. You are shattered and cracking and freezing all at once. I just needed to feel safe but I felt I wasn’t deserving because others needed love more. I decided to not get attached to people for a long time because I didn’t think I deserved to be loved or be happy. I was just here to be solid and strong for other people’s in pain, mine didn’t really count. This was the realisation I had at 9 years old and I carried it for a long time.
Fast forward over 20 years later, you haven’t been well. You’re stubborn. You won’t listen to what the doctors say. You don’t have any friends and you depend on us for friendship constantly. When you don’t get enough attention, you get passive aggressive and say cruel things, especially to me. You bully me. You say I’m too sensitive and you can’t talk to me. You say I’m moody. I remember when I was kid you said I better cheer up because I’d end up with no friends. You were wrong, I have found friends, lots of friends and even if you can’t see it I’m a good person.
The amount of abuse I’ve taken off you and only recently have I realised what’s been happening. You do it when no ones around and no one ever stands up for me even when you say things in front of them. I just want you to know;
I am not stupid.
I am not too sensitive.
I am not careless.
I’m not weak.
I am fearless .
I am resilient.
I am intelligent.
I am more capable than you ever gave me credit for.
You will never break me, I don’t need your love anymore.
I have my own.