Nothing matters. I have a great day, I live with it myself. I have a shitty day, I live with it myself. Hey surprise! No one contacted me today! Just like yesterday, the day before, the years before that, and don’t call me Nostradamus but tomorrow gonna be the exact fucking same. 2 things are true about every single person I have any kind of relationship with: I make 99% of the effort, and not a single one wants to spend any time with me at all. It doesn’t matter if I’m respectful and supportive, it doesn’t matter if I have a job or a car or if I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on someone, it doesn’t matter if I’m patient and understanding, loyal and protective, funny smart joyful, try or just give up, literally nothin fucking matters because I mean NOTHING to everyone. How is that even possible?? Like I look around, they all care about themselves, they all care about other people. If I wanna buy them something or give them attention or compliments they gladly receive that. But then, the second I stop giving and I don’t even exist anymore. ‘Oh but just be confident’ lol said every person most directly responsible for why I have none. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me. I am a passionate person with interests all over the board. I could carry on a conversation about literally anything. I know because I do, with my fucking self. In my head, sometimes out loud, but it’s just with me because no one wants to know what I’m thinking. Hey but some days I feel proud of myself. Uh oh time for someone to check me knock me down a few pegs where I belong, where society decided I belong the min I walked into school for the first time. I’m tired of being alone. I never chose this for myself. And I know it will never ever change. Dying alone, yeah I’ll probably get that someday, but it’s the living alone, ina world where you’re not even hated, not even an afterthought, just ignored into oblivion that’s even worse.
Good morning,
I was here to write a note to someone who, I knew, wouldn’t see it. Maybe a hand sticking out of the pit looking for rescue? Nah, I already knew she wouldn’t be there, no it was a system purge, an emotional puke kinda. I remember a lyric from a forgotten song that went “Standing alone in a crowded room” and your writing reminded me of that. I won’t pass along pity or the ” I’ve been there” because you don’t need pity and we all have our private islands that nobody else has “been” to. No, I’m no genius or prophet on matters like these, the fact I was walking along side you here to purge or reach out or scream into a pillow or whatever, shows maybe we are all alone in a crowed room. I feel less alone now, thank you. It’s a cold but beautiful morning here, I think this will be all I write today. TY