Bella,
Needless to say, things did not exactly go as we planned. We’ve laughed — we’ve cried… we’ve had our fair share of adversity yet somehow we always found each other again. You were my first kiss; first love, first everything I cared about. You taught me so much about who I was and who I could be, and you helped make me excited for the otherwise intimidating journey of life. Your spirit was just so kind… so pure… so filled with love and joy that even now, it fills me with residual butterflies. Just… the way you looked at me; talked to me, it was like I was living my own fairy tale and had found my princess.
I’ve spent a great deal of time lately in deep contemplation, transporting my mind back to those days of high school/college/tech school, tormenting myself with “what if”s. Given everything that has happened since, I can only concede that you made the right choice. I am more like my father than I’d care to admit, and now that he’s gone, I’ve lost my only resource for handling it. And in the years that have followed our separation, I’ve continued to lose more and more of myself. I no longer read. I no longer write. My faith is better defined by Deism these days and I just really have no sense of purpose anymore.
I continue to allow myself to dwell on my past in the same masochistic way, and I just can’t let go of the awful decisions I’ve made that have landed me here. It’s been years since we’ve talked face to face, but I know you receive updates on me from our mutual contact, even though I have heard absolutely nothing about you, which is honestly the best case scenario. I just hope you’ve enough discernment to know that life is anything but the white picket fence picture that has been painted for you. I’m a damn wreck — going out of my damn mind. I keep hoping for a freak accident to remove me from this world so I don’t have to do it myself, but I’m running out of patience. I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life, and I just don’t know how to be okay or move forward. And you were my greatest loss.
I loved you, B, and I still do. I don’t know how to stop loving a person once I start, and you have yet to truly leave my heart. I’m so sorry for hurting you the way I did. It was never my intention and I really was not in my right mind. If I could take it all back and cut it out of my life, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But what’s done is done and our paths are set. Reaching out to you personally would only be another mistake among many, and I’ve no further intentions of hurting you more than I have. All I can do is wish you well and hope that you are happy wherever you are.
Sincerely,
Jacob