Category: To You

You actually said “yes” to me once.

Last Saturday you told me that I’m a “really lovely person”. Last Saturday you told me that I can “come to you about ANYTHING”. Last Saturday you confessed a lot to me. But saying that, that was last Saturday. It’s now next week. Maybe you’ll be thinking differently about where you prioritize me seeing as SHE’S back. It saddens me.

You’re so confusing 😕

What makes you so unique from others? Tell me. I’m intrigued. You have to be a special kind of person for me to put full trust in you. What if you end up just deceiving me like a lot of others do? What makes YOU so special? You have to he able to prove it to me. Otherwise you’re just wasting time and I’ll end up finding out in the end that you’re just another worthless traitor.

I’m happy that your happy. But your life is one bajillion times better than mine, and I don’t want to be thinking about that every single day.

Now that she’s back home, you’ll probably forget all about me and abandon me. It’s okay. I’m getting pretty used to it. It’s all well and good telling me that you value me, but then the friend you like more is back now, so why not? After all, a lot of my friends use me as a shoulder to cry on or as someone to use for that short while. I can already see it coming.

I WANT to tell you. I NEED to tell you, but I’m trying to gather the courage to do this. It’s not that I think you’re going to judge me. It’s just that it’s eating me alive. If I’m being honest it wouldn’t mean much to you. I would still give you my last lung. Yet it’s still pointless. What sort of difference would it even make? *sigh* This is something I struggle with. Constantly trying to fight with it hoping that it stays at bay. Yet it doesn’t. I hope you can’t read my mind or my body language. It would feel awkward.

Over the years I’ve said a lot of fucked up things to you. There’s honestly expressing your feelings, and then there’s just being cruel, and I know I’ve crossed that line many times. How many, I don’t know, but I offer a blanket apology for all of them. The truth is being mean to you has never made me feel good for more than like an hour maybe, probably a lot less. And it never changed anything, so it was pretty pointless, destructive behavior. I still have a huge list of grievances that will most likely never be addressed, but I will work on myself to find more constructive ways to express that, even if only for my own benefit.

I don’t miss you anymore.
I think I thought I missed you before because I didn’t really know the true meaning of being lonely. But after so long in lockdown and not hearing from anyone unless I reached out. I know what loneliness truly is now and I don’t mind it. I won’t be changing a thing. I like this, there is less pressure to feel included, which let’s face it never worked out for me anyway.