Thoughts That Transpire At 4am

Sometimes, only on the days when I’m remembering what I shouldn’t, I think of you. I think of those nights we spent together that felt so short but in all actuality were way longer than they should’ve been. I think of the way I felt when you looked into my eyes….yours were ice blue painted over a demonic red. Your touch was so comforting until it wasn’t. Well, even then so, but no one can know that. Your kiss-simply put- made me physically leave my body where our souls literally intertwined. I don’t know where they fell, but at least it was together. How odd that the lips that could do that had just been on another woman hours before? The way you said “I love you” melted me like a candle which made sense because I was burning. Burning up in the lies you told me, but I still chose to burst into a firework. I refused to fizzle out. You held me so tight so no one else could have me, and I couldn’t get away. It’s a weird thought how claustrophobic I actually am. The drugs flooded your already frail body with promises of protection, and I let you stay sick as long as you were with me. I said honestly “I don’t care what you do anymore as long as I have you. I don’t care what you are— I need you.” You took off your mask and revealed a hideous monster, and I smiled with love in my eyes and said “you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” But, not all things broken can be fixed. I chose to continue attempting to use my life savings to find something that would fill the crater sized hole in you, completely ignoring that I, myself, was microscopic and way too small. I continued to get better while you were engulfed in your disease. The hits that once felt like love taps started to burn. Slowly at first, but more so overtime. The feeling of hate started to overpower that of love. I felt it every. Single. Time. You dug your nails into my skin while I bled. You were mine. I was only equivalent to the only gas station in a remote desert with no other options. I never completed my project or found anything that worked, but you will always carry all of those pieces I gave to you of me to try and save you. Sometimes, love isn’t what it should be. You were my everything. Life with you made sense in a sick, distorted way kind of like those kaleidoscopes we looked into as kids. I will always keep these thoughts close. They make me feel closer to you with hundreds of miles between us.

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