Category: To You

Button to Button

Dear Button,
This is a letter that will probably never reach you. It’s been about two weeks since we last talked. But it’s been even longer since we had real conversation. I still miss you so much. I miss you because we shared such a strong, good connection. I felt as though you were my best friend, not just someone I had feelings for. That is what makes this so difficult. I didn’t just lose someone I felt strongly for but someone who was my best friend. I could tell you anything, you supported me in a way I’ve always needed to feel from someone. I hate how this all ended. I can’t believe this all ended in such a horrible way. You used to let me in, tell me anything. Something so big happened and you pushed me away. You wouldn’t let me in at all. I couldn’t support you, talk to you, listen to you, I couldn’t do anything. I just don’t understand why we couldn’t of figured it out together. There is always a way to work it out. Couples work through and make a plan together all the time. I’m sure it must of felt scary. I’m sure you wanted to just jump in and fix it. I’m sure it drove you crazy that you couldn’t fix it. The unknown is scary, I know. Apart of me wishes I could take that night back that you picked me up. I wish I hadn’t of gotten out of the truck. Instead I wish I would of made you talk to me. I’ve never had you shut me out. We’ve always been so open and honest. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t know if I should try again, if I should leave you alone, show up at your house and tell you how much I need you. But I tried, right? You kept shutting me out. You said you wanted me but yet you abandoned me. I don’t do well with abandonment or silence. It feels like it was all mistake to you. It feels like another heartbreak I had to suffer. I spent so much time hoping my wish would come true for once. The wish that I finally found a good one, the right one. The one who wouldn’t give up on me, who wouldn’t leave me, someone who was kind, smart, funny, hardworking, etc. You were those things to me and a lot more. I loved how we would build each other up, talk to each other, let each other in, support each other. Why did that have to change? I still want to do all those things we talked about doing together. Visiting haunted places, traveling, cute dates, cooking together, building your business up and just finally being happy together. I feel so silly expressing all these things in a letter. It sounds so crazy but I feel so depressed. I don’t know why this feels worse than any other relationship I’ve had. Perhaps, I just felt something more. I hear people say after a break up, “if its meant to be, it’ll be.” but I really just don’t believe anymore. Not just in that but in love. I’m trying so hard to act like you didn’t hurt me. I’m trying to pull myself together. I feel like I fell for another guy that his words were just lies again. You were suppose to be different, you were suppose to be my button in life. You felt like my button in life. I felt so strong, together, happy, everything about me just felt better. I just feel weak, stupid, a mess, depressed, and so so not better. I thought on V-Day you would show up or send flowers. Sometimes I hope you’d show up at my door or even write a letter. But no, I’m wrong, aren’t I? I’m always wrong. I told you about that dream I had. Where we messed it up again and we ran into each other and you had your daughter and we tried again. That dreams probably wrong too, because I’malways always wrong.
I wish things were different.

Two things I’m certain of, you’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always wish the best for you. Even though you have hurt me, I do know your heart. I know it’s gentle and sweet. I hope you get out your toxic situation because you deserve better. I also hope you’re little girl grows up to be healthy, strong, smart, and kind. I’m sure she will because she’ll have you!

Always and forever,
Button

P.S. Maybe the point of it all can be for another life time….

Whatever is or wasn’t, ciao!

I loved you, in ways I still reminisce about. I fell in love with the idea of you, but some parts felt so real that I can’t separate fact from fiction. That’s what I’m most jealous of.. you know what was real and what was fake. I wish I had met you at another time or in another way or I could have trusted you at least. But it’s all some pathetic poem. I thirst for it on days when reality is tough but I’ll always take what is over whatever fake daydream you were selling. You were just a con man and I’ll never forgive you for that. I was selfish too but I never lied. I knew what I was getting into but not at the same time. I wish I had listened to myself at then onset. To whatever is and wasn’t, ciao.

Our Secret Garden

I revisit our garden so often.
I think I am the only one watering the plants
Or feeding the birds.
I keep adding to our base
Adding a swing, and bench to watch ducks
Being so boldly themselves.
I sit still, watery eyes murmuring hopeful
Verses out of a prayer book
Not even meant for God’s eyes.
I almost took the sign down the other day,
The one etched with our initials.
I couldn’t bare to think I am the only one watering the plants or feeding the birds.
I hope you revisit our garden.
You’d be surprised how much the roses bloomed this year.

Frustration

MAY312010

It frustrates me that I care
If frustrates me that I have this desire
It frustrates me that I hurt not knowing how you are
It frustrates me that I became attached to you
It frustrates me that I trust you
It frustrates me that I am so close to finding the truth on my own
It frustrates me that I can’t let go without knowing
It frustrates me that I love you

stupidity.

JUN12010

I said I didn’t want you.
I said commitment wasn’t what I was after.
I tried to stay distant.
She said you wouldn’t last.
She said we should be casual.
You said her opinion didnt matter.
You said you were scared to let me in.
You let me in.
I stayed cold.
I started to trust you.
Months went by.
I met your family.
I met your friends.
You got distant.
You left.
I was fine.
You came back.
You told me you loved me.
I caved and fell for you.
I said I loved you.
You left.
You came back.
You stopped responding to my messages.
We were over.

Through thick and thin I had your back. You never returned that favour. You broke down all my walls just to prove you could. You have a list of reasons why you’re too damaged to be with me. Its bullshit. You begged me to be yours and i swore I never would. You win. Every single night I have the same dream that you want me back. When I close my eyes the same scenario plays out in different settings… you still love me. I have several very successful men in my life now. You can’t pay your rent, but you’re the only one I see every night when I close my eyes. I dont know why. You made me feel unwanted almost everyday we were together. Every month that went by was torture, You came and went, you were mine and you were a ghost.

In the end all I know is that nothing has felt as real in my entire life as those few intimate moments we shared. Our first date pitcher. Driving out to your dads house. Cuddling on the foldout couch. You bussing all the way to my parents house to see me. Eating drunk sandwiches at the lookout. Sitting on the beach bitching about friends. Watching movies at your new house. Meeting strangers on the beach. The anticipation of our few and far between hangouts. Even that last night when you confessed your “excuse”. We held hands so tightly as we took the bus to my new apartment. We both knew it was for real that time, i could feel it in how close we held each other all night. I remember kissing you goodbye the next morning so vividly. I miss you. I have no idea why this feels so hard. Breakups happen. This one is tearing at my insides. Separately we both told people we had no future from the get go. I knew we were headed in different directions. You told me that when you found me this city felt like home, well you felt like home for me, too. I’ve never felt that before. I know you’ve moved on, I am, too. I hope that you’re happy, really. I just hope that by getting this all out I can sleep tonight without seeing your face and imagining a future that can never exist and that, honestly, I don’t want. You were my prince charming but fairytales don’t exist. You told me not to be bitter like her… I just dont know if I can keep my warmth when my beds so cold without you. Ive said some things I regret. I know you’re a good person. I wish that you would open up and let people in, so many people love you. Even though it wont be me i hope that some girl out there can thaw your ice and pull the real you out from your shell. Stop being so distant from your family, they love you and they’re trying really hard to help you. I love you. I will always love you. Take care of yourself and maybe someday you’ll think of me and realize how much of myself I gave to you. You don’t owe me anything. I just wish that I could have our friendship back.

PS I hear that you’re really happy and I’m sure you hear the same about me. I would love to say that true but i’m just a good liar. I like to pretend you’re miserable without me.