Letters I'll Never Send

“My” ******,
It’s been a long time since I have seen you, or even, pathetically, anonymously, wrote to you. Yet you linger in my mind. I tried to put up boundaries, thinking you would fade away if I put a wall between us. But I have found that pacifying my curiosity brings me more closure than avoidance does.

I’ve learned that I have created a version of you that is nonexistent. Seeing your posts confirms that you are not the you that lives in my memories. You are flawed. You are human. Just as I am. You are not bad. You are not wrong. Just. Human. Giving in to natural human temptations while remaining the hero of your own tale. Just like me. Like everyone.

Now, with your account set to private I thought I could permanently shut the door I have left ajar all these years, but my curiosity only grows. The ideological, mythical and godlike version of you permeates my thoughts, while the real you likely posts things that would make me visibly cringe and bring me a sense of complacency in my life decisions.

Still, I wish the cringey, goofy, real you the world I couldn’t give. I wish I could fix the issues that lie between us and bring true resolve, but I burned the bridges. I can’t see how I could fix them, or why you would trust their fortitude even if I rebuilt them. The same way I couldn’t trust yours. And that is where reality lies. I want the best for you, and that couldn’t possibly be me.

I hope this brings me some reprieve. Perhaps that is selfish to say, but I need to refocus my life. If not, I will show up again to write to you, not out of desire, but out of necessity.

Despite it all, I still do love you and hope you have found what makes you happiest. Until next time,

“Your” ******

My life’s muse,
Here I am at 61 still acting like a love struck little boy, what a douche I am! Well kid it’s time to bury our dead and forget, yes forget. I will never know why I loved you or desired you so much, never! It just is so damn sad I was so deluded and wasted so much of my inner thoughts on you. I made you into a soulmate and made the second worst mistake of my life, thinking you had a soul. I don’t know if your just crisp from pounds of weed being ingested, completely dispassionate to others, seeking revenge against men for past hurts, so egotistical as to bat people around like a cat with a toy, or just plain stupid. Probably a combo of all above.
Now you can always fall back on the “I saw you as an old friend” line of shit but you played the game and like an asshole I fell for it again and again. Now all your weapons are gone, your old with absolutely no sex appeal AT ALL! HOW’S THAT TASTE? I’m moving on and we have accumulated enough to not worry about where or how we will live. We ain’t perfect but we do care about each other, something I would never have had with you. I’m really not sorry for your position as I know you deserve it, your a C-nt plain and simply a C-nt! Good bye bitch, the heart is free of you!

Words cannot express

On one hand there’s the fear of who you really are, what you really meant, I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid of who you may have showed me you are and who we became, who I became

I can’t see how it could be fixed or how I’d even want to if that, that darkness is really who you are.

It’s so sad to find you are more than likely not who I thought you were. Nothing is what I thought it was then and I fear what I see it as now. So much fear. You could never have treated me like that if you cared. So long ago.

And in the passing of years you have shown nothing better than no remorse, and now I’m thinking of all that turned out to be maybe one lie after another. If I’m wrong how could you let it end without the much needed communication, the things I needed to understand.

There’s just a tiny whimper of hope left. I wish you’d do something to show me that hope is worth something, but I doubt you ever will. Its not dead but it’s dying.

I don’t think I’ll ever love again so passionately, I just wish I had have had that passion for someone else and never had met you.

Love is like a dying ember.

Dear S,

I suppose IN TIME you might hopefully realize why you have no friends. Apart from me, but only because I’m stupid enough to put up with you. Yet even I, myself am wanting to walk away from you. Your behaviour has put me off you. I know that I was a good friend to you in hospital where we first met, and we have a history of living in quite a few institutions together, but that said, there’s only so much that I’m willing to put up with. Do you honestly expect me to just put up with more of your diva crap? It affects my mental wellbeing. I always feel deflated every time I come back home from visiting your flat all day. I think you really don’t get the hint. If I stop answering your calls, it probably more than likely means that I’m more than done with you. Also, it’s very publicly humiliating when you act like such a spoilt princess. With me being quite a submissive person, I suppose you think you can dictate everything when I go anywhere with you, but I would love to know why you’re like this. You tell me how you have a neighbour who constantly harrases you, yet are you seriously not aware of how much YOU’RE harassing ME? Sorry but I can see what probably caused your late husbands heart attack while you were outside with him. Now I know why I’m your only friend. Yet why should I play the fool? It’s your own fault that people stop wanting to be around you. I see that you’re now getting one of the local taxi drivers involved to “Check that I’m alright!”. As you’re “worried” about me. No dear. You’re just worried that you’ve got no-one to be friends with now. By the way, woe is you.

My body doesn’t understand the way you love me. You call me delicate and gentle as a complement but really you take it as a challenge to see what it takes to finally break me. Your love is scorching; burning and blistering my skin. Your love is the chest pounds of an alpha gorilla; beating against my body with so much pride. And as fragile dandelions grow through concrete cracks, I look past the cracks in your soul; ignoring the darkest parts of you. My body doesn’t love you anymore; I know from the way I flinch at your touch and bile rises in my throat when you kiss my forehead. I don’t love you anymore and I wanted to tell you this morning. “Want some coffee?”, you asked as I made my way to the kitchen. “Yes, two sugars please”, my hoarse voice answered back.

I will never miss you because I have not missed your attempts to force me to apologize to you for my blood when you are the one holding the knife, you ass. I asked u for a ride, 10 minutes, not for 3 days of horseshit & attempts to drag me back into misery!

i miss feeling that you love me
and all those little gestures that
made me feel this way…

after all this time
i miss you
i miss you still

tonight i let myself feel
and try to feel you
like i used to

There’s no one else I trust with so much of my life because you don’t judge me too harshly for the bad. I miss you and I’m proud of you.