How do you know what’s real and what’s fake? What is manipulation? What’s not? Was I supposed to know the difference? Were you the real you with me or a fake you so you could bed me? Did you waste a single second thinking of me? Did you ever care if I knew or were you working double time to distort the difference? What reality were you and how could you enforce that hell on me? It’s better to have never known love than to have known a kind of love, loved and lost. That much I know. I wish I had never met you but chances are you never blinked. A blimp on your radar. I’d trade it all to forget you. Some demons are walking on Earth. I’m sad that you cared more for your needs and put mine so beneath you. A fucking mirage. Closure is a myth. I wish I knew your thinking but that’s the difference. Clarity can be a reality. You worked so hard to keep me from it. Fuck you, from the bottom of my heart. I relish the day I can tell you that.
I miss you and hope you are happy and healthy. I wish I could be there with you today and always. It kills me to not know where you are.
I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand exactly how I feel. The last few years have felt like I’ve been running a race waist deep in water while everyone else has the advantage of dry land. The truth is: I’ve always hovered over an infinite ocean. And there was always something or someone that kept me above the surface that maintained an even playing field. I was never truly out of the race.
A — You were my bridge. You kept me going; encouraged me in ways I could not find anywhere else. Hell, with you I even felt like I was winning most of the time. I was always ahead of the demons against whom I compete. I know you were bruised and broken most of the time, often quite literally. But we complemented each other so beautifully that our goals were never out of reach. You have saved my life countless times figuratively, and even once quite literally.
And then I had to fuck it all up, like I do with everything. I didn’t just burn the bridge that you were. Out of my own insecurities and twisted frames of mind, I planted explosives, detonated them, and then jumped overboard into that ocean you were protecting me from. I hurt you…. I broke you…. and then I made sure that I left no way of ever getting back to you. Even if you were able to be repaired and made whole again, which I am quite sure you were, I cannot reach you from the depths to which I descended. You are still a bridge — a beautiful, expansive bridge that can take you anywhere you want to go while I flounder here waist-deep in this ocean of despair, running a now-pointless race I have no hopes of ever finishing, let alone win.
It’s been a few years now since I destroyed the only relationship that truly kept me sane and made me feel worthwhile. I’ve fallen lower, so much lower than I’ve ever been before, even when you saved me from myself. And not a conscious hour goes by where I don’t think about you and what you meant to me. I’ve completely lost myself. The enemies in my mind are taking over and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I’ve been trying to just live life, take care of my family, and feel some semblance of importance or value, but ultimately I have none. You were the only one who understood me and how my mind worked. You were the only one from whom I had no secrets. I could speak openly with you without fear of judgment and you could provide actual emotional and mental support and stimulation. Even in my marriage — hell, especially in my marriage — I can’t even come close to the level of connection you provided.
I’m not asking for forgiveness, because I deserve none. I’m not asking for reconciliation or any sort of amends. You have your family to provide for and yourself to care for. I would only get in the way in all forms of being. But I am sorry for all I put you through. I’m sorry for shutting you out, putting you down, and essentially demolishing our entire friendship that kept us both going. I was the epitome of an asshole, and even that phrase should be awarded “Understatement of the Century”. My heart is and will continue to be heavy with regret every waking moment for the rest of my days. The only reason I am still here is because of my daughter, and I fear one day even that may not be enough.
And if that time comes, you won’t be there to save me again.
even tho I try not to
not to think at all even
I try to deny and ignore
my inner most something
I can’t help but wonder
you’ll be so close
I can’t help but wonder
do you want to ..
will you find a way
Do you think of me
I’ve been thinking …
Why couldn’t you just love me? I didn’t need a romantic relationship. After awhile I just wanted to know that those with whom I once felt close still regarded me as a person who was valuable to them.
I’ve seen you out a few times now. When I do I disappear quickly. I don’t want any more awkward conversations about nothing when I know that I don’t fit into your life anymore. But, I am happy now. These really are just the trace echoes of irresolution that no longer holds much weight for me. She shored it up when she became the only person to genuinely care how I may have felt growing up alone, without much of a family to speak of. She isn’t an only child herself; she just gets me. It feels right in a way I can’t explain.
I’m not sure why it’s important to me that you know all of this.
Perhaps to clear the confusion.
You have pressed your lips upon my soul
More than any man who has ever kissed upon my cheeks
Or felt my hips, or the curving of my spine.
I would die happily in this magnetic touch
Than in their sweet, fragile arms.
Oh how loved I am by you even from afar!
Finally left the meaningless and
In between the air hockey and loud music
I began to feel my bones shift in their sockets
And my heart thump a peculiar pattern.
Keep loving the wrong ones and you will never learn
To love the right ones, the chiming says.
Addicted to the hits, they were my crux, my vice when
Bottomless thoughts pooled together to form
Dark, heated, sensual nights.
But nothing meaningful can truly come out of nothingness
And that’s all they were.
Hearing the notes of new music
Helps batter the old ones into the mix.
I will make mountains and
Sceneries with your name, and love will become a beautiful
After all this time
After all that has happened
After all that may has changed
One thing never did
I’d still welcome you
with open arms
to where it would lead us
Knowing this journey
would fill us
through up & downs
For the rest of our lifes
Tell me there’ll be a day when I’m not suffering from anxiety.
Tell me there’ll come a time when I’m over it, like a cold or a stomach bug and I’m not throwing up feelings in my chest that don’t make sense. I want to explode, implode, burst into flame. I want to curl into a soft, space place. I want to run away. Anything that makes it stop, stop stop.
I want to see the end of this fear. Fear of nothing, fear of everything. I’m waiting for all this help to help. To step on the support of others and find myself in the rafters.
I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you, and it’s just me. All me. All present. No deep dark thoughts or anxious whispers or terrible visions. I just want to be with you, and be ok. I just need to be ok, and believe it.
Tell me until I believe it.
We were so close
on your choosing
.. while I tried so hard to hold back
you wanted to go there
pushed for it
dreamed of it
us – together
it was you who came back to me
yes, all along I’ve been missing you
no, no I wasn’t and will never run after you
..if it means enough you’d pull through
and if you don’t
it would never last
Something I won’t do for you
simply because I wouldn’t
find myself ever again if I’d lose you
Ahhh, you were so close
or just so full of shit?
I don’t know what to think anymore
.. so I just don’t try to find answers
that I can’t answer myself anywho
I am doing well
my life is really getting a push forward
it has been little by little
Steady pace and never fast enough for me
Now I am almost in my comfort zone
yet, not really
because I have never been
..so it’s a bit different
* I disliked Content because
it’s not enough, never enough but
..I take it
ahhh and not
in Moments I profoundly enjoy my
I pretty much do what I want
.. don’t have to answer to nobody
*besides work and even that is
What get’s me
what really does
..why did you disappear like you did?
.. just gone
1 second your profession of love
.. next day
I think I could get over a breakup
over a fight
over pretty much anything
but you just left me with
.. nothing but the question why
& the battle of inner feelings still alive
Did I mean so little
that I didn’t even deserve
a simple goodbye?