Letters I'll Never Send

Simon remember that time I went on a walk with you guys on the hills of Scotland, I just wanted to say thank you for being my hero that day. Stupid me I just took it we were just going for a walk but it turned out to be a hike trail and I was so out of shape I felt like I was going to burst at the seems and couldn’t go any further. I remember telling you guys you could leave me and you will find me when you came back but you insisted that you stay with me to keep me company. I remember also thinking I could just jump into the loch and claw my way back on the rocks to the hotel but I don’t remember saying that out loud. Lol. Note of attention, I can’t even swim but then I think miracles would have been possible that day if I put my mind to it. My thoughts turned to you this day and I can only say you are the only man who stuck it out with me when I was having a hard time. You were kind enough to stay with me and keep me company while heading back to the hotel, making sure I was safe. This day I dedicate to you and your act of kindness and care to me. Will forever be grateful for you and that day. I hope wherever you are you are doing fine and wish you all the happiness in the world.

All you ever think about is yourself. You’re constantly wanting attention like a spoilt child. You’re meant to be a grown adult. I’ve also noticed that you always hang out with us both, but separately. Even though you b**** to me about her. Even if she HAS said anything bad about you to me, why would I even tell you? I probably wouldn’t tell you because it could cause arguments. You expect others to put in all of the effort, but we don’t get anything back from you. You tend to just stay in the distance, without letting any of us know what’s wrong. Are we meant to guess? Not all of us are mind readers. I have often wondered why you can’t hang around with us both at the same time. That’s why I’m beginning to wonder if it’s you who is actually the divider. You’ve been to her flat many times and made video’s with her and at of other stuff that you don’t even bother doing with me, so don’t go playing the “No-one cares” game, because it’s getting old. Also, you ran off with our supposed “mutual” friends without so much as a goodbye. I felt abandoned when I came back into the room to find that you just took off. You’re not much of a friend. I will.never know why I bothered taking up your offer of hanging out with you. If it was just to impress the support staff, well there you go, job done. What more is there that you could possibly have to say to me? Thanks for the very short-lived friendship [a few weeks]. You only do this to me, but you treat the rest of your friends here differently. I don’t think you understand how much it hurts my feelings. I’m not sure what you can ever do to make it up to me. I had abandonment issues and I still have trust issues, and you made out like you will definitely “look after me”. Your words, not mine. Oh well. If you’re just some flash-in-the-pan kind of “friend”, then you’re the kind of friend I really don’t need in my life. You can’t expect others to just approach YOU if YOU never approach THEM. As for reaching out, that’s still more or less the same thing, but you don’t even reach out to me, but you expect me to reach out to you. You can’t expect effort back without putting effort in. Oh and I’m so sorry about thinking about my own life first. Actually I’m not. Until or unless you come out of your overly dramatic woe-is-me phase, then I think I can at least begin to understand, but how can I if you’re not even talking to me anymore? What am I supposed to Think?

Why does it still feel so wrong that I’m still down here on earth, while you’re up there in heaven? It just really makes no sense to me. You passing away from cancer made sense, but when I had such a strong soul connection with you, I can’t fathom why after three years of being yours, you had to depart this earth this soon. I just feel robbed of spending more time with you. I feel like we should have had a few more years left to spend together, but it’s okay, because I understand that given the amount of physical pain you were in, you just couldn’t hold on for much longer. I have to be okay with that. I know deep down that if you weren’t so riddled with cancer, you might have been given a bit longer to stay alive. I will never get over how nice you always were. You can’t possibly be regarded as an ex of mine, because we never broke up. You passed away, so I am not sure what that means I call you now. Ha ha. Hope you’re having fun up there. Don’t eat TOO many Jaffa Cakes while sat at that magical afternoon tea, up in heaven. Otherwise, I might have to kick your a***, once I meet you once again in the place we call heaven.

I’ve wasted my life caring about people to whom I’m not really that important at all. If only I could care about myself the way everyone else seems to so easily, maybe they wouldn’t be that important to me either.