Letters I'll Never Send

Our relationship ended but I never got the chance to say how much I appreciate you. I never got to thank you for every little detail you did for me and I would give everything in this world just to be able to show you how much it meant to me. Whether it was getting me gifts or walking me out to the car with an umbrella even though it was 20 feet away from your door. I insisted you didn’t but I’m so glad you did. I so glad that you showed your care and admiration better than I did. I would do anything to get the chance to care for you again, love you again, and be with you again. It’s my turn to walk you out with an umbrella.

. Been here. What can I say. Taught me so much.
Glad I came. Happy for you.
stars and winter can gather my heart into yours.
I know this has been hard to say the least. But I’m glad and I now pray I don’t return to England low spirited like before.

Really hoping. I haven’t lost you. If I have there’s a pub down the road from me from now on. 😏
I was young I must remember and say to much on that note.
For what words can’t say. I’ve ventured this time with or without you. There was only one place I couldn’t go as it would have been a waterfall upon a waterfall.

I just need to know.. do you think of me?
Send me a sign. An email. Just a work one. Anything.
I just need something that tells me you think of me.
I miss you.

Dear Anas,
I had my science exam today, and the exam paper was quite lengthy. I thought I had time to fill the answers in the sheet but turns out I was wrong, I solved the questions but I couldn’t fill the sheet completely I panicked. Got an anxiety attack, at that moment I couldn’t breathe, I thought maybe this will be the last attack I go through I would not survive this one. Unfortunately, I did. I knew that I would not score well in this exam and I tried to explain it to my parents and to be honest, I thought they’d understand. They didn’t as usual. I don’t know why I expected otherwise. And at that moment, I wanted you. I just wanted to hold your hand and just listen to your heart, beat calmly unlike me.
I wanted you so bad, I needed you and now I realise that with all the panic attacks and anxiety attacks that are yet to come I wouldn’t have you by my side, the only person in this world I ever trusted enough to open up to. I cried for hours because I am doomed without you. I miss you terribly. Please hold me. Please.
I cannot do this without you. I need you.
Yours forever
The person you once promised to love forever.

Felt the urge to remind you of some of the messed up things you’ve done to me. But why rehash what you’re just going to deny anyways. Instead I’ll say that if I’m being honest, I am definitely attracted to your brand of crazy. Probably even addicted. There’s a fire there, a passion. Add that to my own, can you even imagine? I know you’ve thought about what our sex would be like, I do too. I’m getting turned on right now just thinking about the sheer intensity, all that yearning and pent up desire.

So let’s try something new babe, why don’t you turn that fire into making this work and building something with me instead of burning everything down. We can still support each other while improving each other too.

Hey you, I was told I was special my whole life, but I’ve never felt more ordinary than I have the last couple years.

Hey you, I haven’t been touched in so long or even close I don’t even consider myself a sexual being anymore.

Hey you, I’m so scarred by rejection I don’t want to even bother putting myself anywhere outside of my family where I feel safe.

Hey you, the loneliness took a cost, a part of me I don’t think I’m ever getting back.

Or we could go more traditional.

Hey you, I’m crushing it. Things literally could not be better. I’m scoping boats and real estate. Turns out I am perfectly functional and then some without your help at all.

Hey you, you’re pretty sexy, but I have so many options. Maybe we should just fuck and I’ll change my mind and actually want you more than once.

Hey you, you’re perfect, you’ve never done anything wrong and I just want to take this moment to thank you for all the positive things you’ve added to my life.

Hey you, I need your help. Turns out I have more money than I could ever possibly spend, can you help me?

Which would you prefer?

I promised myself a while back that I would stop writing letters to those that I love, specifically you. I thought I could move on past that phase of my life, but as it turns out, I’ve never been one for change. You’re never going to read this anyway since I’m sending it to myself in a couple months, but if you were to ever read this, I think I would be completely mortified.
Disbelief passes me day by day that the boy I once loved could turn into someone so vile and crude. However, memories from this summer often eclipse over that hate so I am never truly able to say loved in the past tense as I should. My mother had gotten especially mad at me one day in July or August from how often I spoke with you, but it was also that day when we sat on facetime almost until 3 a.m. I distinctly remember feeling bare at that moment. Bare not only from loss of makeup and fashion, but bare because that was one of the first nights in months that I had truly been myself. You brought that out in me. The later it got the less we both said. But the beauty of the unspoken is precisely that. I long for the way you looked at me that night; not like I was beautiful, but that I was real. Stared, glared, and studied are all too negative a connotation for that moment. But you gazed. Like I was the every star in the universe. And to me you were the sun. Playing dumb, I asked why you had kept your eyes fixed on me. The most poetic moment we’ve ever shared was your response. A flower you said. I was a pretty flower you just couldn’t take your eyes off. And if I was made with wax rather than blood, I would have melted on the spot. But instead I smiled. Because you gave me one right back.
So no, I guess I don’t really miss you. The Cooper who creates tension, emits arrogance, and stands with the problematic. A problem causer rather than solver. A man whose ego could fill that of a thousand.
That’s not someone I ever knew.
But, once upon a time, I had met a man, who saw me bare to the bone, and still chose to try and win my hand.

Your full name is Cooper James N—–. Your father’s name is Jeff, your mother’s Chrystal, and your brother’s Josh. You used to have two cats, but now there’s only one and her name may or may not be Sassy. Either way, from all you’ve told me, describing her that way suits her as well. You live in a weird living room basement thing, but if you had the choice, you’d be at your family lake house in Washington. You think money tears people apart, especially when given the situation of winning the lottery in which you wouldn’t want your parents to deal with it all. Because that’s just the type of person you are. The type to not recognize a blessing under all its imperfections.
You like mayo with your sandwiches and would pick chocolate ice cream over vanilla. Even if strawberry was an option. Despite having proper transportation, you still probably wouldn’t get takeout that often. Not just because it’s “unhealthy” though. You barely ever eat breakfast yet tease me for not having dinner. Your mother doesn’t like naps so you try not to take them, though it’s happened accidentally a few times. Sleep? For the weak, you would say. I believe in the contrary however.
What a surprise.
You think your hair is your best feature but in reality it’s your eyes. Or maybe your nose. Or your smile. Either way, they’re all perfectly you. The skin on your hands cracks almost immediately after showers if you don’t use lotion. Mine are almost the same way.
Because of your dry skin, you don’t get acne too often, but when you do, you think it falters your appearance. It doesn’t, by the way.
It’s almost impossible for you to pick a favourite thing. No matter it be book, song, artist, etc. I should know. I’ve asked several times. However, Lord of the Rings or Back to the Future are most definitely your favourite movies. There are hundreds of better options, but supposedly a movie does not need romance to be good. (Even though it kinda does.) I think your favourite TV show is The Office from the sheer amount of times you’ve watched it. Then again, it could be an anime.
You drive a dark gray truck. Don’t ask me what type. Though, if I saw it, I’d know in an instant it was yours. The truck was from your grandmother’s. You actually have three. I’m not sure which one this is. I’ve never witnessed your driving ability, but I bet you’re careful. Because you’re not the type to get into a wreck or two. Besides having a car, your other mode of transportation is your bike. Your super expensive bike that your uncle convinced your mom to get; after all, he was the one who partly got you into the hobby.
Your childhood best friends were first Jamey A—-, then Karsten. Now you’re not as close with either of them. Supposedly I was your best friend for a period of time too. Not that I believe that now anyway.
Ok maybe just a little.
Video games are your favourite way of destressing after a long day; osu and Valorant were your favourites when we spoke last. You were so excited when I bought Minecraft that day, and it’s a shame we never played. Though, maybe I was spared a few hours of humiliation as well.
The personality test I made you take in 7th grade ruled you as an ISTJ. I was surprised you took it and even more surprised as that’s what I had gotten too. An introvert who plans too much, focuses on the little, and uses logic over their feelings. Back then, I thought that would be the reason we didn’t work. But I guess I changed. And so did you.
You’re much more of an on-the-fly person now. And you like to say you need someone to keep you organized and planned, but in truth it bothers you when there’s a little too much control. Apparently, I never knew the old you. The one who was never relaxed and always stressed about everything. When I asked why you simply said: it was before I met you.
Confidence and arrogance are one in the same for you. Whatever you’re good at also becomes your greatest weakness. I guess the better phrase would be “building up your ego”. It doesn’t help that you’re constantly reminded of how technologically skilled and smart you are; I myself have contributed to that endless barrel of praise, until now of course.
Much as we all do, you desire to have love and be loved, yet I haven’t ever been sure if you’re capable of it. Your ‘like’ has always been my ‘love’ and that’s dangerous for our time together. When we were 12, you told me that the only female you could love was your mother. Back then I didn’t-couldn’t believe it; 4 years later I’ve realized it was the most honest you’ve been.
Morally, I don’t know where I’d place you. There is the beauty of goodness inside of you; the kind that truly cares about the people you surround. Unfortunately, negativity has created a cloud of darkness over your light, and I’m not sure if it’s the type you can so easily remove. Negativity and the people you surround yourself with that is.
But lastly to be described is your heart. It spoke the same language as mine. And when they conversed, as all beautiful and loving hearts do, mine took note. Of every flow to the tips of your fingers as they dashed across the keyboard, to the mouth which curved every time we spoke, to the hair of your arms spiking at every racy word, and to the head that carried even a copy of my own. These notes, these scribbles are fragments of who I thought you to be. They are a relic of time, much like the language of our hearts was. So when someone mentions Cooper James N—–, I resist the urge to say “I know-” as it is now closer to “I knew”. I knew you.