Old Woes

It was bound to happen. I was drawn in since day one. This was so strange, as it usually manages to be. All the weird stuff. I’m still so caught up over you. But there was a package deal that caught my eye.

I liked both of them. A lot. Heard they were together. Had been for five years. Had four dogs together. I became close with both of them. Heard they broke up. Had been wanting to make something happen. With both. But with her. That would be a dream.

I got you. Where I wanted you. And I got her. Where I never wanted her. We did this. It happened. It happened in her house. It happened basically on her front lawn. I betrayed her. Knowing her heart. Knowing how she still loved him. Still coincides with him.

I just couldn’t help myself. I got caught. She knows and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that it doesn’t even matter that it breaks mine. Hers. I hurt her. I hurt her and she’s still this beautiful presence that I don’t even deserve to be around. I never deserved to know her. I never deserved to touch her.

Does she see that this is hurting me? I don’t even care about hiding it at this point, I may be good in my areas of manipulation. I may have a particular set of skills. But I am still someone who is all feelings. I am still someone with a heart. I am still someone who cares about her deeply.

I was so overwhelmed with her again tonight, I saw her and she said hello to me with her sad eyes that used to look at me with light just a week ago. I crushed it under my feet repeatedly. Crushed out the light that I enjoyed so much. That carried me through some low points. That I looked forward to.

And right after I came back inside from talking to him, after how earlier I had broke down in tears after that comment was made to me, that I know she heard, that I know she saw cut me, that I know cut her too. I didn’t even care if she knew. It wasn’t even the comment. It was all those damn overwhelming emotions, a buildup. I broke down from how I feel about this. Cried. Went to be alone. Fell sort of weak.

She helped me with a problem. She made something happen for me. Something small but she helped me. She was sweet, she was sad, and I missed her. I miss her. I was nervous and thanked her and had my hand on my neck. I kept zoning out. The girl with your name was there for a midnight shift. She kept asking me what was wrong. What was wrong I couldn’t tell her and I had to fight every urge to chase her out the door. To look her in the eyes and tell her how sorry I am. To absolve my guilt. To have her back. But I never will. I stabbed her in the back and I’m sick about it.

We were in close quarters just the two of us. We had walked into the bathroom at the same time. I heard her blow her nose and it brought me back to how she cried. I washed my hands beside her and it made me wish that I could just wash this off of me. Off of her. As much as I tried to fight it I couldn’t bring my head up and risk meeting her eyes. She took a deep breath and I felt tears well up in my eyes. She was right beside me, so close, and in a matter of no time at all she is so far from me. And it’s on me. I fucked up.

I told him that my intentions were never to hurt her. He said in the same sad tone that she’s had lately, “no one ever has bad intentions in a situation like this.” I know. I know that my intentions don’t matter. It was still a decision I made and I am no baby. I know it was wrong.

He told me that this was an explosive situation from the beginning. And I know. I’ve always known that. And even just talking about it, my mind replays what it looked like to see the pieces from that explosion hit her in the face. Seeing pieces of it cut her skin, stick out of her. It was like seeing someone brutally cut open in front of you.

But then I learned what you did to me.

But in the end, I got the upper hand.

From Your Squeaky Wheel

I miss her all the time but right now I could not miss her more

Is it everything that’s happened

Is it my loss of home

Is it the fact that that piece of my heart reached out to me

I felt cared for in a moment where the heaviness was taking me under

My phone rang and it was that Pittsburgh area code, I was prepared to hear her voice on the other end

She said that they’ll call me, that she’s out for a few days

That angel has immune system problems

If this virus touches her I will find it and end it myself

I miss sitting with her

Laughing with her

I hate that I can’t tell her about any of it, in our old time in depth ways

I miss her faces, I miss her obsession with t rexes.

How to feel…

I’ve liked you for a while now. You like me too.
After spending hours with someone daily for weeks, that’s bound to happen.
But I wonder if you realize the extent?
Like, can you tell that I’m falling head over heels for you, fast?
Do you see me staring at you? Admiring your muscles, seeing new scars here and there, noticing the paths your veins take, taking in the shape of your strong jaw line?
Do you feel the sparks that I feel when we kiss? The drunken high that leaves my head spinning almost every single time?
Do you get the same butterflies that I get when I’m on the way to see you, when you’re on the way to see me?
I’ve never had this strong urge to say I love you to anyone but you.
Because sometimes, when we are laying in bed, fully clothed, staring into each others eyes for what can feel like forever…or when we are watching a movie and sit in my dark ass living room holding hands…that’s all I want to say because in those moments, that’s the only feeling I have. Pure joy, peace…love.
You make me forget about the outside world; my job, financial issues, family stress…it’s really like nothing else matters when I’m with you.
I love that you speak your mind and that you open up to me, like a man never has.
I love that you pass the blunt slow to me because you know I can’t see shit.
I love that you don’t give a fuck but you do give a fuck, simultaneously.
I love that you don’t judge me for being the sensitive person that I’ve always hidden. I love that you actually talk to me.
You ask about my days, you tell me about yours, you ask my beliefs and my opinions like you really want to know and actually care.

I genuinely love you.
I have loved before, so I understand the risk I’m taking by saying this.
But I have never loved someone like you…as incredible as you.
I don’t know if this will ever lead to anything more than whatever we are.
I don’t know if we will ever fall deeply in love and create an empire together.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on half the time, in most situations tbh.
But I know how I feel.
I know I love you.
I know I never want to miss you.
I never want to lose you.
I never want this to end.


With the present situation
I become more aware
of my own mortality
human live
time so precious
how fast it few by

I am not really scared
if my time shall come
so be it
no regrets

In moments like this
I think of you, too
Would you even know
if I were gone?
If so, what would your thoughts be?

What if you were first to go
I’d find out by some media
wow, just now i feel this ache
and I won’t even go there

Guess it doesn’t matter
it matters what we do while
still being able to breathe

What silly thoughts I’m having..
time to divert and numb them
with some Comedy on Flix

Letter to myself

I am sorry that with every guy that you meet, that you think you both can have a chance , don’t see you worthy of patience, love, care and respect. I am sorry that they don’t want to get to know you. I am sorry that all they want is to lie and sleep with you, leaving you empty. I am sorry that every word you utter to them is a joke. They don’t see you as someone who is valid and has feelings and ideas. I am sorry that they are selfish people . They don’t deserve you. They don’t deserve your time or your friendliness. They deserve nothing from you. You deserve better and miracles of blessings find you now under grace in the most perfect miraculous ways.

Unrequited love for an old man

Dear M Sensei,

How are you? I wonder what you’re doing right now. I can imagine that you’re on your table, doing office work, being completely dull looking as usual. 

I wrote this letter to tell you that I love you. Seems a bit shocking is it not? After all, although you’re unmarried, you’re almost 60 with balding hair and a thin, frail body. Not exactly the strapping young man that I typically get into.

The truth is I don’t know how it started. It was definitely not love at first sight. When I first started working with you I only saw you as a coworker. I’m even a bit scared of you. After all, you’re the same age as my mom. That can be quite intimidating.

However, throughout our meetings I started to know you. You’re more than just some old man. I discovered the way your mind works, your sense of humor and your opinions on things. You make me laugh when I am sad. You try to tell me that I am needed, that my job is important and that I can make a difference. I know it seems a bit silly to you but those words are what kept me going when I feel like I will never be happy again.

Before I knew it I also noticed small things like the way you eat your lunch just before 4th period and how you choose to eat it in a separate table and not on your desk. I noticed that you didn’t talk to other people much. You just try to blend in the background and in company parties you go home first. 

I will never forget that time when we were having our meeting at the tea ceremony room. There was a sudden earthquake. It was so strong I felt like the windows were going to break. You hugged me so suddenly. I felt like my heart was going to burst! I didn’t know how long we stayed like that. 10 seconds? 10 hours? I honestly don’t know. When the earthquake stopped you asked “Are you okay?” and I felt my face getting hot. My head must have looked like a tomato. How embarrassing. I don’t even know how I responded. I just remembered mumbling some weird excuse about how I should go and getting out of the room with a feeling that I can’t explain. Like I’m invincible and I can do anything but also I wanted to run and hide. 

Whenever we’re having meetings I still imagine that hug from you but I try to brush it off. Let’s be realistic. There’s no way I can ever be with you, though you are single I’m not. I have a boyfriend 6 years younger than me. I can’t leave him. He does love me and I don’t want to hurt him. He’s still very important to me. How strange. I’m with a younger lover but I’m secretly in-love with an old man. Usually it’s the other way around.

I always wondered, what would people say if they found out? That I’m trying to chase an old man for his money? I have too much pride for that.

I feel like I’m trash but I can at least do what’s best for everyone. I will not ‘rock the boat’. I will not leave my boyfriend and I will never tell you how I feel.

I hope you find your happiness. I will do my best too. Someday I will forget you. I’ll focus on the person who is with me. And so by writing this letter I hope I’m also burying  my feelings for you deep inside my heart. It will be hidden forever. 

Though you will never know, I will always love you.