Broken

This isn’t for anyone in particular, this really is for me. I have no other outlet for something like this. My wife has never trusted me, we’ve been married for 2 years together for 12 and after she cheated on me when we were dating I guess she assumed I’d do it as well. The first time she went through my phone she found text messages of me venting about her, we had just moved in together and it was our first time living in the same state as each other. The months leading up up to her moving were rough…..daily fights and arguments and I kept telling myself once she’s here we’ll be ok, and we were for a time. Then I forget to bring my phone to the bathroom to play music while I’m showering and she looks through my phone and accuses me of being in love with my friend who I was venting to. I had few female friends and wanted a female perspective. Bad idea. Time moves on the trust is clearly never there. She always thought I was up to something, I usually wasn’t but I felt like I was. I started deleting all my texts to certain people and cut back my interactions with others. This is normal I told myself. Her offhanded comments she thinks I can’t here punctate most every conversation, I can’t pick up a new hobby without it being ridiculed. I know I’m painting my wife in a bad light but she’s not all bad. When she’s in a good mood she is very thoughtful and caring but it seems like those are few and far between at this point. When I was at my lowest I made a mistake, I began sexting and exchanging pictures with someone from Reddit. We never met, only chatted on Kik. My wife found out and she never forgot. After talking she forgave me, but she never took accountability for her actions that drove me to that point. The belittling comments still come, the jokes at my expense, the double standard of her bein able to call me a dumbass or swear at me when she’s mad but the second I say anything similar she loses her mind and tells me never to swear at her. This has been for the last 6 years. She is not the woman I fell in love with, but I also felt such guilt at insisting she move here where she had extended family and I have my family and friends rather than uproot my life to move somewhere where I have no support, is the reason I say nothing. I haven’t felt genuine happiness in a long time…..at least not with her. I have been happy with my friends when I am away from her or when I am talking to someone else….but I’ll get to that…

Merci

C’est rare que je t’écrive, mais je pense que je dois le faire, merci de m’avoir aidée à sortir de mon traumatisme, de m’avoir tant aimée, de m’avoir redonné mon estime de soi, et ma confiance en moi et en mon pouvoir sexuel, merci de m’avoir montré que tout le monde n’est pas si mauvais, merci d’avoir tout risqué pour moi, merci de ne pas avoir blessé mon anniversaire, quel ami gentil tu es, je vais garder ça pour toujours, je sais que tu es un bon gars, peut-être que nous n’étions pas faits pour être ensemble, je sais que tu as souffert aussi, pardonne-moi d’avoir été difficile à bien des égards, je n’étais pas au mieux de ma forme, je t’aime.

November 3

I wake up as my husband’s leaving for work at 3 a.m. and am unable to fall asleep again when he leaves, so I take a little time to turn on my current favorite show Yellowjacks and make a warm drink.
About an hour later there’s a sound at the door, the wooden pumpkins that hang at the front of the house are being moved around but there’s no wind and there’s something more, a scratching noise.
The hair stands up on my arms and my cats are reacting on aggressively high alert to the noise.
I message my husband about the noise but he suggests the wind is moving the door feature around unlike usual. However something else occurs later in the day that leaves my heart pounding even still.

There’s a knock at the door around 11. I’m disheveled in grey sweats having spent my time preparing goody bags for my child’s birthday, but I answer the door anyway after seeing a well dressed elderly couple at the door. Initially I think maybe they’re from the Baptist church we stopped by for Halloween trunk or treat but it was something more alarming than that. They are visible taken aback by my appearance but continue on respectfully enough , they ask for my husband specifically and when I verify my space as his wife the husband dives into his spiel . After asking a few questions like my Russian language fluency and where I take guidance from, he offers up a religious packet in the Russian language and starts talking about the Bible. I mention being raised in a variety of churches and being baptized . He then shows me his tablet with the English translation beside them and point out a passage specifically they had hoped to relay to him which I can’t remember because at this point I’ve deduced that they not from the church we recently visited and they should have our address. They depart saying they hope we join them soon.
I’m glad I got ole snakebones at my back, a tapestry that dominates the entire entryway. Because this interaction made me feel extremely vulnerable.
I try calling my husband right away, and when he doesn’t answer I call my mom. She’s as alarmed as I am and confirms this isn’t your average Jehovas witness stopping by.

Dear P

I should have stayed being YOUR fiancée. You always kept your hair tidy, and short. You’re very good-looking. Plus you knew not to publicly embarrass me. The one I’m with now, well he looks scruffy. Especially his overgrown hair. It’s just getting worse, and it makes me want to not hug him or kiss him. I wish B would tidy up his appearance. People should take pride in their appearance, and I’m not so sure his is decent enough. I just die of embarrassment whenever we’re in a public place together. He’s not doing himself any favours.