This is a letter that will probably never reach you. It’s been about two weeks since we last talked. But it’s been even longer since we had real conversation. I still miss you so much. I miss you because we shared such a strong, good connection. I felt as though you were my best friend, not just someone I had feelings for. That is what makes this so difficult. I didn’t just lose someone I felt strongly for but someone who was my best friend. I could tell you anything, you supported me in a way I’ve always needed to feel from someone. I hate how this all ended. I can’t believe this all ended in such a horrible way. You used to let me in, tell me anything. Something so big happened and you pushed me away. You wouldn’t let me in at all. I couldn’t support you, talk to you, listen to you, I couldn’t do anything. I just don’t understand why we couldn’t of figured it out together. There is always a way to work it out. Couples work through and make a plan together all the time. I’m sure it must of felt scary. I’m sure you wanted to just jump in and fix it. I’m sure it drove you crazy that you couldn’t fix it. The unknown is scary, I know. Apart of me wishes I could take that night back that you picked me up. I wish I hadn’t of gotten out of the truck. Instead I wish I would of made you talk to me. I’ve never had you shut me out. We’ve always been so open and honest. My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place. I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t know if I should try again, if I should leave you alone, show up at your house and tell you how much I need you. But I tried, right? You kept shutting me out. You said you wanted me but yet you abandoned me. I don’t do well with abandonment or silence. It feels like it was all mistake to you. It feels like another heartbreak I had to suffer. I spent so much time hoping my wish would come true for once. The wish that I finally found a good one, the right one. The one who wouldn’t give up on me, who wouldn’t leave me, someone who was kind, smart, funny, hardworking, etc. You were those things to me and a lot more. I loved how we would build each other up, talk to each other, let each other in, support each other. Why did that have to change? I still want to do all those things we talked about doing together. Visiting haunted places, traveling, cute dates, cooking together, building your business up and just finally being happy together. I feel so silly expressing all these things in a letter. It sounds so crazy but I feel so depressed. I don’t know why this feels worse than any other relationship I’ve had. Perhaps, I just felt something more. I hear people say after a break up, “if its meant to be, it’ll be.” but I really just don’t believe anymore. Not just in that but in love. I’m trying so hard to act like you didn’t hurt me. I’m trying to pull myself together. I feel like I fell for another guy that his words were just lies again. You were suppose to be different, you were suppose to be my button in life. You felt like my button in life. I felt so strong, together, happy, everything about me just felt better. I just feel weak, stupid, a mess, depressed, and so so not better. I thought on V-Day you would show up or send flowers. Sometimes I hope you’d show up at my door or even write a letter. But no, I’m wrong, aren’t I? I’m always wrong. I told you about that dream I had. Where we messed it up again and we ran into each other and you had your daughter and we tried again. That dreams probably wrong too, because I’malways always wrong.
I wish things were different.
Two things I’m certain of, you’ll always have a piece of my heart and I’ll always wish the best for you. Even though you have hurt me, I do know your heart. I know it’s gentle and sweet. I hope you get out your toxic situation because you deserve better. I also hope you’re little girl grows up to be healthy, strong, smart, and kind. I’m sure she will because she’ll have you!
Always and forever,
P.S. Maybe the point of it all can be for another life time….