Heyo

I’m not sure why you can’t say it.

Maybe you don’t.
Or it’s your pride.

Do you love me like I love you?

Unconditionally.

I’ve always felt there was something much larger at play here.

Maybe I’m just insane.

Love you too.

“Emotionally unavailable”

I thought no one could ever hurt me that bad again but I was wrong. I am such a fool. The writing has been on the wall for at least a month now. To think I’ve been actually trying to hold it all in, give you space. I knew exactly what you were doing the whole time, not that you’ll even tell me the truth now when the whole world knows. You couldn’t even be discreet. I had to unfollow you on socials because it was just another big fuck you to me almost every day. You chose everyone over me. Him, all of your friends, people you don’t even talk to anymore. You never missed an opportunity to remind me how unimportant I was to you. Did I freak out about you blowing up my phone for a week about your dog food, even though you weren’t actually home the entire time, because in your haste to grab your stuff the last time we were together you forgot it? And your coat…in February. I bet you couldn’t even tell me what you left here. You couldn’t last time. But you made sure to grab your lingerie and sex toys. Was it barely even 24 hours before you had brought them over the most recent time I had to save you from him? We didn’t even use any of it, and still had the best sex we’ve ever had the night before you left. No, but I can’t be upset even though this clearly affects me pretty significantly. Im just walking on eggshells with you after all the lying and betrayal and gaslighting. I never even said anything to you because you’d just throw that in my face and tell me its none of my business and I’m being creepy and thats why you don’t want to see me. Or text me in the middle of the night with crazy accusations from some random number like I should be scared of your little chihuahua of a bf. Extra points for intentionally misspelling “stalking” as “stocking” so I might actually believe it was him texting me as you from his phone because you always told me how stupid he is. Nice try, but I already have his number, remember? From work?

There’s so much more I need to say but probably will now never get the chance to. I am so in love with you J, and you ripped my heart out into shreds like your dog with the toy I got her. Twice in the last month. Despite his tremendous and never ending list of sins, you will never stop going back to him. I wish you would’ve given me even 10% what you give him. That doesn’t matter now. I guess I’ll just have to take the pain and wait until the next time you call me, terrified and beat up, to come get you.

Until then, all my love.

deja Vu

She’s alot like you. Younger than you when we met. Less mature, based on some of the sacrifices you took upon yourself that made you grow up real fast. But otherwise theres alot of similarities. She also alternates between hot and cold on a moments notice, doing her damndest to push me away the second things start getting good, or too real. She also takes out all her anger against all the shitty men in her life on me, although, with her, I deserve it even less, because I definitely was dumb and immature when you knew me. Slightly less dumb and immature now. Mostly though, when things are good, theyre really good. But thats not that often. Usually things are bad, and when they are theyre really bad. Nonetheless, even with all the red flags, I feel like this is my chance to finally get right all the things I fucked up with you. Or at least answer all the questions I’ve always had about whether we would’ve worked out if I met you earlier, before you became so JADED. My failure with you has never stopped haunting me; maybe this is how I get the closure and peace I so desperately need, since its pretty clear you’ll never actually give me that. She’s dangerous though, and while you routinely humiliated me in front of my friends and made me feel like shit for years, I’m worried she’s gonna get me arrested or killed. Maybe thats even inevitable, some kind of disastrous outcome for me. But at least I’ll know I went down fighting a good fight.

i understand now.

dear alex and jack,
i understand now why you felt the way you did before you did the irreversible thing you can never undo. i know now they emptiness and loneliness and depth of feeling hopeless. i find myself needing reminders of the good things, of how this too shall pass and this pain is only temporary. i feel my head in my hands as though i were going to pass out and i am a child and floating. i wish i could shirk all responsibilities, could leave it all behind, could float. yet i cannot do such an unchangeable thing. i know i am loved. i know there is good in people. i am good. i am people. people are good.
time will let this go, and in a few months it will be gone to the wind. things will get better. i will make it through.
hell, in a week it should be better. i know alex, i know jack. im sorry. ui understand the pain now. im sorry i could not stop it for you. i can stop it for me. i love u both immensely. this will pass.
thank you for your lessons to me.

Hum

No real purpose for posting here. Just venting. An ex sexually assaulted me years ago. Turned BDSM play into rape. And really it damaged me and my life. I loved him. And in the aftermath I was so confused and wounded, and really mentally damaged by it. Convinced it caused a mental breakdown then. I’ve never really gotten over it. And he has a good time, good life, good career. And for me, it just completely obliterated me. My life. Goals. Identity. Aspirations. Career. Relationships. All damaged. An in therapy. I figure in hindsight it was a mistake not to take him to court or hold him publicly accountable. People think the metoo movement is over, like all the goals have been kicked. They haven’t. Even that is smoke and mirrors. There are people with powerful positions and careers, and people aware of their actions that say nothing. That show them support. He has support. I’m just ranting. But feel like I had to. We were through a process of supposed reparations. Really he just used thag window to retraumatize me and gather his assurances that he could protect himself if and when. I exposed him or took him to court, something I would have never wanted to do. Now I’m not so sure. Kind of want to name him now. But then that’s all my life would become. Me taking on the guy with the profile and more tha. Likely being publicly vilified for all my reactions to the sexual assaults. It’s gross. Just sharing. Sharing because it’s better to share here than just start screaming it into the world like my body seems to want to. I don’t want anyone to have control over dictating my future, but it seems for now, no matter what I do, it’s always a consideration. Even In Intimacy with others he’s like a ghost lurking in the room, like nosferatu or something. I guess I’m just saying I know, from experience the metoo movement hardly scratched the surface on the amount of men with profiles who do what they like. I really hate him. I never knew what it was to hate someone before. Rambling. Is what it is. I just wanna overcome it. Horrible to know this is the risk we, women take when we enter relationships, amongst many risks, I could never have foreseen extreme experiences of sexual assault as being a risk I was taking. It’s fun to be playful in sex, with boundaries and limits, it’s terrifying when someone takes all those boundaries and limits away until the point where words like no and stop mean nothing. Can’t explain it better than this. No one unless they experienced anything like this could ever understand. Oh well. I won’t be posting about this again. I just needed to vent it somewhere.