I can’t help but wonder how it’s like for someone to point at you & say “this is my favorite person in the whole world”. To make you actually stand out of all their other close friends.
I never knew that feeling.
Yes I have best friends and yes I have people in my life who I know that they really care about me and want me to see me do well. But I can’t help but wonder if i will actually get to live the life i imagine in my own mind.
Like… you don’t get it I literally have a whole another “perfect” life inside my head that I want my real self to live. I’m this popular loved sweetheart that is always fun to be around and when she comes in the room , all heads turn around. She has these male friends that she’s super comfortable with (something the real me struggles with) , her & her friends always do these stupid challenges and travel around wherever they feel like going (thanks Vlog Squad for this:) )
She is a reeeeeal extrovert and she doesn’t mind letting everyone know what she wants. She’s a real flirt too.
I have this perfect scenario in my head that i do whatever i put my eye into. And when I get back to reality I’m just this insecure little nugget who doesn’t feel ready to put herself out there and whenever one of her friends show her a little bit of affection she gets weirded out by it. Because she can’t imagine for someone to actually give a f about her being. She’s so used to be there for people that when someone wants to be there for her , she pushes them away.
I can’t help but wonder if I will get to make it to be the brave independent girl in my own imaginary world.
I know i said ‘She’ a lot in this letter I’m sorry lol <3
I wasted so many poems
On him that I forgot
What is was like to write
The lines realistically.
Like how you spoon fed
While I stayed up late
Every night at our cathedral
Hoping you would
Come here my prayers
Instead of floating
Down the river
With your other lovers
And our broken promises.
Sips, tomfoolery banter
Repetition of songs
And the way you dance.
I miss floods being drained,
The full tone of the television,
The quick witticisms
Of semi drunk apostles
Arguing over trivial philosophies.
I miss the cathedral where I prayed
To be found
For awkward dancing and
Mostly I miss
People being people
A room reminding me of humanity
And the flush of love
As rivers through my arteries.
Resurging my heart with
Loving you was pure madness
And it absolutely terrified me
Even before insanity crumbled
And especially after.
I could not help to mourn the ways
Collision courses and roadmap signs
Diverted time after time.
All I wanted was you
But I was irreversibly terrified
Of the ways you reached me
And of all the ways
I took I knew
I could never reach you.
You know, they say when you’re constantly thinking of someone it’s in part bc they’re thinking of you. Not sure why? Or how you do? Given your current setup…do you think of me? If so, is it often.
I often think of you and have many dreams with you but I’m not sure what they mean.
I would love some clarity.
I hope to hear from you when I’m right and ready to do so.
It wasn’t easy giving into my feelings, I admit I fought hard with every fibre and sinew to resist the lure of your words and the allure of your charms. I fell, I fell hard because I knew I had fallen in love with you. I knew I wanted you, all of you. The perfections, the flaws I wanted it all. My dreams and longings were filled with together, forever; I fell deep into the happy ever after story. That’s why it hurt so much when after all we had been through you suddenly gave up. You found new ways to destroy all we had and you wielded them like a warrior wields his weapons, I became the victim of trust. The trust that allowed me to place my heart in your hands but you refused to see, to even care about all you were throwing away. I wish the world could see you now for who you are and the way you made me feel, me who shared just about everything with you in this one sided love affair. I wasted my time I guess they would say, strange though it doesn’t seem that way to me because I’ve seen the inside of your heart and there is still a part of me that will always yearn for what we shared.
I see only a shadow of who I once was. I see no reflection in the mirror; I can’t speak the words that betray my pain. Each day feels like an endless highway as I walk its crooked trail. Where are you when the sun goes down? Where are you when blue skies turn to autumn gray. Seems like only yesterday we were laughing like a couple of kids but just look how soon you changed.
Nothing stands still and so now I find myself with no fight left in me, it hurts still; yet I accept you are gone. The broken in me finally understands that your words were just a means. I filled some invisible void and now you no longer need me I am relegated to just someone you once knew. Time will force us further apart and on the final crossroads we will depart and never meet again. Still every once in a while my soul feels restless and my thoughts turn towards you. In solitude I spend the time missing you, remembering you, dreaming of you.
I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times from a thousand guys, but I want you to know that I think you are such a babe. I wish you were mine.
We flew to Colorado for old times’ sake
(All I ever wanted was for
Your kisses to keep me warm in those mountains)
We drove to Rosie’s under the trees
And instead of talking about her,
You told me it only took three dates
To fall in love with me
Please don’t tell me
That I’m dreaming
You have been a constant in my life from my very first breath. For reasons unknown to me, that has made me n your life, hard. And confusing. Mom says you’re jealous. You always have, been. I know your rules. You know that I know then. I also know your consequences. I am not supposed to have or be in any way better than you, when you judge it. You judge it. And I know how you judge it. Mom thinks I’m winning, in your eyes. I have what you don’t but what you want. It’s to the forefront right now. I see your codependency and to me it is a way to have control. Your rules for, me: no friends. Only you. Something to be causing me pain, such as a daughter on another coast. Your girl(s) seeing me in the way that you do. You are to be the first choice. Don’t choose Mel. One, sister is all ther is room for. Consequences: CUT OUT. Readjustment. Oh this is how it is. I am weary of this. I’ve worked hard to have a relationship with you. I need to step back right. Now. And ow. Because yes it hurts. But it was awfully nice for people to like us. Happy we were there. Not in the way. Not taking up too much air. Or space. Or love. Scarcity sucks and was what you knew because it WAS actually scarce. But 59myears is enough time to have spent apologizing for having come along and, caused, scarcity. You knew it. So instead of dealing with it you work to control it. And me. But it’s done. I’m too, tired. I love you. You are my sister. But energy needs to, flow. Other ways other directions.