Alone in pain

Alone and suffering
I don’t know what to do
The pain constantly drives me up the wall
The meds wore off a long time ago
Now I am in pain
Miserable because I am in pain
At times the pain makes me feel like ending it all
Just to make it stop
End it all
But I know I have a lot to live for
I have a lot to be grateful for
Yet my mind can’t seem to look past the pain
My mind can’t seem to look past the present, past now
The pain overshadows my joy
It overshadows my peace
Alone I go through this
Alone where I am
Far from those I love
They know of my pain but they can’t help me
Far from me
Alone
Alone in my pain

are you still there?

d,

i want to be as authentic as possible with this message and not sugar coat anything, because i think everyone deserves complete honesty. it helps us grow.

anyway, i need you to know, in case you’re wondering whether or not it had an effect on me… it did. it actually hurt worse the second time because i knew it had to be my fault. i thought i might not have been pretty enough, or interesting enough, or that i came across as annoying for typing too much sometimes – but i couldn’t help it. talking with you seemed effortless, and i thought it would have been the same in person. i don’t know if boys just have a different mindset and don’t think about things as much, so it isn’t as hurtful to them, but i know that for me – or, most girls – talking with somebody who you’ve grown to really like feels like spring. i loved finding out little parts of you and was so excited to discover more, like i’d found a new book i couldn’t put down or something. i don’t think i’ve ever had that with a person, so our brief encounters meant so much to me. i know relationships are scary. i think that you might still be scared, but you were trying to force yourself not to be and a facade can only last so long, so to an extent, i understand another disappearance. but man i wish you had have just expressed this to me, because then i could have told you i never HAD any expectations. like i said (almost) a year ago, i’d be delighted just to say i know you – to call you one of my friends. i’d love to give you advice and discuss the latest songs from artist’s we’re into. make a fool out of myself if you ever tried to teach me to ride a skateboard. binge films with you. as friends or otherwise, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. i think you’re really cool, and i’m so sorry if i gave any sort of impression that i needed something deeper from you. i hate the thought of making anybody feel pressured. i just wanted it to be easy. carefree. to go with the flow and see what happens. there shouldn’t be any requirements when it comes to dating. i’ve always thought we should learn to mimic the ocean and let the earth decide where we go, rather than forcing it to happen ourselves. that probably didn’t make a lot of sense and i’m rambling now, but i hope you know that i’ll always consider you one of a kind.

i hope we can talk again one day 🙂

ps. thank you for being the one to make me discover american pleasure club. they’re one of my favourites now.

– h

I am worried about you

Can’t really put my fingers on it
Just keep having this feeling
On and off for quite a while

Very strong the past week or so

I just wish you would let me know
that you’re OK
that it’s just my imagination

I miss you
I miss Us

Just putting it out into this void
I am here for you
No matter what
when I said always
I meant it

That’s what love is
*shrugs*
I did
I do
I always will

Shortcut

If someone doesn’t know, that’s all you need to know.
If they send mixed messages, take it as a “no” and get away asap.
Stop disrespecting yourselves! Stop letting other people do these things, and start let them live with the consequences.
You’re so much more than THAT.
Stop feeding fantasies and believing in lies.
You know deep down what’s going on the second you start to doubt it.
If the way this person treats you needs to change for you to feel at peace, that’s a sign for you to peace out.

My Breakup Letter

Dear M,
I wish I could tell you how I really feel. I would tell you that I wish we could end things after 11.5 years. I wish I could tell you that I don’t really miss you right now. I wish I could tell you about being in love with someone else but that person has a whole other life. You don’t even know that I reconnected with that person in 2014 and I have been hooked ever since. Had he not chosen the life he has now and had asked me to pick him. I would have honestly.

I want to have children and I really want to get married. I feel it in my spirit and I know that it’s for me. I can feel it heavily.

I stopped being in love with you since February 2014, after you made no effort in planning Valentine’s Day. You had the money to do something but you refused. A few months had passed and there was a total disconnect. You cheated on my in the past but I think you cheated on me again in 2014, with the girl who’s picture I found saved in your email. You swore up and down that you didn’t know her. So why would you have her photos sync to your email? Dummy. Then you would always put me down. I wore a dress one day and you said something horrific. You made me feel so ugly. The next time, we went away for the weekend of July 4th that year and I wore what I thought was a sexy lingerie. You said you didn’t like it and that I was fat. I even caught you staring at some women that day I had to purchase a TV.

That summer I disconnected. Hung out with my friends and reconnected with him. That lasted 6 months bc he chose to be with someone who is now his wife. For the next 6 years, I have tried to make things work bc I felt our relationship could’ve benefited from the time focused on us. Unfortunately, nothing has changed and things are still the same.

I can’t believe I’ve managed to deal with this. I only have myself to blame for the toxicity in this relationship. Why you ask? Let’s run down the list:

-when we first started dating, you accused me of looking at guys. I never did
-you cheated on me early on in our relationship
-you lost all respect for me and continue to talk to me the way you want
-you don’t know how to treat me
-you don’t take me out
-you always complain about finances
-you’re always broke
-you don’t try to level up or make the necessary changes
-I take on the financial stability, I’m tired – you noticed we haven’t done anything, bc I’m tired motherfucker

I could say more but I know all is this and stayed. Why? Bc a part of me thought this was better than being alone. I always wonder what life would have been like had we broke up after you cheated on me.

After this pandemic is over. I hope we can have an honest face to face and call it quits. My stupid ass enabled all the bullshit and no more.

My Thoughts/Sometimes/I’d love to hear from you

Dear you,
On days like this, I wish I could talk to you. I want to escape my current life and totally be wrapped up in great conversations; full of life, perspective, goals, future endeavors, love, etc.

You use to be someone that would pop in when I needed you too. Now that I need you more than ever. You’re nowhere to be found. I know your current life doesn’t allow you to be the person you use to be; but I miss you dearly. I always wonder how you’re doing. I hope you are happy, safe, and well. This pandemic has caused chaos and I am over it.

I hope if you ever see this that you’ll think it’s for you and send me an email. I’d love to chop it up and hear your thoughts.

Sincerely,
Love

Isn’t it time

I wonder. They say that when two souls love each other who have a spiritual connection together can communicate telepathically with their dreams. I dreamt of you. All the dreams I have of you are so vivid, so real. As if they are vision beckoning me to my future, our future. You were and are a beautiful dream but sometimes I wonder, if I go through this, do you also go through it too. Do you dream of me too? If you do, isn’t that enough of a confirmation to give this a try? Isn’t it enough confirmation that when we look at each other we remember each other? From a time long past as if we have lived past lives together. Isn’t this justice?, a much needed justice to having been so apart for so long. Will you ever reach out to and for me? Am I the only always to fight for this connection wheb you feel, see ans know it too? Isn’t it time? To give love a chance. Our love a chance.