Broad shoulders

When I look back, it’s actually pretty easy for me to say I had a easy and good childhood. Two parents who loved me and pushed me to do my best. Never really got bullied much. No health issues or serious injuries. No abuse of any kind. Up until I was, maybe 15 or 16, if you asked anyone who knew me, including myself, you would’ve been told I had a remarkably bright future ahead of me. Things went a little off the rails after that, and a lot of that was out of my control. But that’s besides the point I’m trying to make here that, while I may complain about this or that about my upbringing, comparatively, I have very little right to.

One thing I’ve found about coming to adulthood without that much baggage, is that I am far more capable of empathy for the suffering of others than I believe I would be otherwise. Not like I have some superpower where I absorb their pain, just that I think I’m more willing to try and help share the burden if it makes it a little easier for someone I care about to get by. I don’t go around asking people to unload their shit on me, but I would never turn them away if I thought I could help. And God knows, talking about it is often the only thing that does.

I’ve done nothing wrong

I liked you, we were, as according to others as well, like bff’s.
I was very nice, said you’re a blessing, like sunshine, and I really think you are great.
Made a few jokes about marriage, one you went along with.
I did say we would be better as friends and we agreed all was good.
I even asked you, have I been OK?
You said yes.
Then you went weird and ignored me.
Fine. But then, I discovered you crying to someone I wouldn’t leave you alone always watching and following. That’s a lie, a total lie. I have done the opposite of that.
I am hurt and feel terrible that you were upset.
But I literally have not done it.
Then I discovered you canvassed for if people would speak for you if you make a complaint at work.
They were honest.
Yet others clearly will despite they know nothing and claims I was looking around for you are allegedly based on my looking out a window, come on how is that fair, you weren’t even in at the time I’m told.
Now, I cannot eat, cannot sleep, I’m feeling terrified I will be sacked and unemployable elsewhere for something I haven’t done. I am close to breaking, because all I have done is be nice and if anyone has been around or looking at anyone it isn’t me.
So why am I suffering day after day after day, terrified of walking into a room you’re in in case that sets you off, if its not already too late.
I am half a mind to beg you for my job, but will I make it worse?
Why am I being punished for literally nothing I haven’t hounded or barely spoken to you. What have I done at least talk to me, don’t tell others I’m a monster stalker when I’m not.
Help me, I’m losing my head in this I am at the end of my rope dangling waiting for the support to be yanked out any second and didn’t touch you never made a sexual comment, didn’t come up to you, didn’t look at you. I’m scared and didn’t do anything please please don’t do this to me

Sr

I don’t get to see you often anymore. The truth is I always check your schedule just to see if I could drop by, but I always fail to do that.

You’re weird, you know? Because everytime I feel really upset, you appear all of a sudden. You always know when to check on me.

I hope that I make you happy with the short conversations we have.

I have a little panda cat.

Her name is Astrid. My daughter had a dream about adopting a little black and white kitty, so we took her to Petsmart and let her pick out a kitten. She saw Astrid and knew immediately.

We have a tall cat tree, and Astrid being the battle cat she is will instigate combat by swatting at my heels before pouncing onto the tree and flip flopping back and forth while she tries to catch my fingers. I like to distract her with the right hand while I give her pets with the left hand while she gives me the frustrated fangs stuck between the posts and the wall. It’s great.

A few days after

What was categorically a blizzard and most of it is already melted away. My partner was miraculously able to make it home in the thick of it in our little Hyundai, only getting stuck when pulling into the home lot. All this time living here and we still hadn’t invested in a snow shovel, I’m out there in my long coat trying to get the snow out from around the tires with a child’s shovel, which isn’t doing too bad but it’s still a relief when our neighbor shows up outside to help.
The next day the kids on the block are sledding on big hills made from the plows and we’re making small talk with the other parents. We make loose plan to have a dinner night at Black Sky Brewery sometime in the future while building a snowman together.

…..Continued

And so I go on speaking in tongues you won’t or don’t understand either by choice or by perspective of what “we” are, if there even is a “we”. The true sadness is I am slowly bleeding out accepting there was never a “we”. The inferences you made were all innocuous and held no promise or shared desire. I even took refuge in the thought that maybe, just maybe, you were tapped out of desire and it wasn’t a “me” thing, it was a “you” thing. I just didn’t want to believe it was a real thing that would be the stone marking the grave of all that passion. I know I was a f-ing coward and I do hate myself and regret, more than anything, that I didn’t do something then. I think now that would have been catastrophic as the reality sets in, I would have shown up as a guest in your eyes.
So I work at making whatever time is left as right as I can make it, not for me but for the family.

The alternative to growing old

Dear muse of my life,
50 some odd years ago fate found its way to intersect our lives and in its playfully cruel fashion only left one of us permanently tethered to the moment. I always trusted that we would somehow find each other through life’s chapters and we sorta did. After a tour in the A.F, we reconnected and it was as if no time had passed, it always was that way. We, or at least I, felt the oneness of our relationship, the friendship that I knew would ignite and seal our fates together. Fate and what I missed because of my blindness had different thoughts however. We were always attached to others, again my blindness interrupts reality. My other became intensely jealous of you because of my absolute happiness in being around you, it was the truth and my only path to peace was to not communicate with you and maybe I suspected you were happy with your blond haired, blue eyed other and I was just dreaming. I don’t know and will probably never know if you ever felt about me the way I did about you. 3o years pass and I never stopped thinking of you, internet search showed you had married as I had and yet you were still that deeply fused part of me, no time had passed in my passion.
Then my marriage started crumbling, our last child out and jobs pressures showed the weakness I always knew existed but never faced, I really never wanted this but my weakness and my pity on her situation, hero complex!, now had me feeling cornered in my own life. So I did what every cliched a-hole, self pitying wimp does, I locate what I thought was the cure,YOU!
My God you were!

To be continued….